Last night, on a Wednesday, he (40M) came home at 3am. He was at his friend’s place having drinks. On a weekend if he goes out, he often comes home at 4am or later, and usually comes back very intoxicated.
The first 20 times it happened, I was nice about it and would have a conversation with him where he would agree it wouldn’t happen again. Now that it feels like we are at instance 100, I get super angry and lose my cool when he does eventually come home. Adding to my frustration is the fact that I am seven months pregnant with our first child, working full time and exhausted, and when he pulls these stunts I lose a lot of sleep.
He claims it won’t happen once the baby is here, but I find that hard to believe. I am looking for any advice you might have. I love him and we have a good relationship otherwise.
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Girl, you’re 7 mos pregs, workin’ full time & dealing w/ this? Hell no. You deserve better. He’s a grown man, not some uni kid on spring break. I ain’t buying that “won’t happen when the baby’s here” BS. He needs to shape up or ship out. You got this, sis. Stay strong 💪 You and the baby should be his #1 priority. No if’s, and’s, or but’s. Period.
Sit him down and have a proper conversation explaining that its not acceptable.
You either teach it or allow it. Letting something slide 20 times means this is now your fault.
He’s not going to change so you can do something about that.
Your husband is an alcoholic. Its time to giving him some ultimatums. Sitting down and having a chat is obviously not working. There need to be real consequences for his actions.
Alcoholics don’t just suddenly stop when a baby arrives. He is lying to you.
Is he also working full time? I’m 38 and thinking about being out that late makes my head hurt, even without alcohol.
He needs to go to rehab. 4 AM while working and a pregnant wife at home is ridiculous.
He’ll say he won’t do it when the baby gets here. And that might be true for a couple of weeks. But then it’ll be “just one night”. And it won’t be long before he’s right back at it.
He needs to break the habit now, whether it’s alcohol or not knowing how a watch works. He’s got two months.
If I were you and wanted to stay with him, I’d start assembling your village now. Parents, relatives, friends that can all help you with the baby. It sounds like he’s going to be unreliable, and you need consistency with a newborn.
He sounds like an alcoholic, my advice would be to leave now, it will only get worse 😢
The alternative is for him to come home earlier and sleep or be with you. Apparently that doesn’t appeal to him. He prefers what he is doing now.
OP: “The first 20 times it happened”
WHAT?!?
“I am going to leave if you keep acting like this. I am your partner, not your housemaid or your mother. And if you won’t step up and support me when I need you, by being here at a reasonable time and acting like you love me, then I do not believe you will make an adequate farther, and I no longer want you in my life. You have exactly 2 weeks to get your act together”.
You said it your self girl, you’re working hard af and pregnant and he can’t even do the bare minimum of come home sober. It may suck, but if he still can’t read the room after instance 100, you’d probably be better off without him. It’ll be hard, but it will be even harder trying to raise a drunk man child AND a newborn once the baby is here. You and that baby deserve peace, and he doesn’t seem like the type to provide that. I know myself what it was like growing up in a home with a stressed out mum and a useless alcoholic dad: neither of you deserve that. Whatever happens, you and baby come first: he’s a grown man, it’s not up to you to try and change or raise him. Good luck to you <3
Twenty times? You say you have a good relationship but he knows this bothers you and you’re pregnant… yet, he’s not changing the behavior? Does this sound like everything is okay? Is this person considerate in other ways? What are his best qualities? What does he bring to the table?
To me it seems like substance abuse
A baby is coming in two months I’m sure he is stressed as well. In his subconscious mind this is the equivalent of the last few days of summer vacation. He’s thinking “Let me get my fun in now before the baby takes my free time”. Lot of uncertainty around how life will be after the baby is born. This is you guys first child. If this is only weekend behavior and he is otherwise responsible and comes home on weeknights I wouldn’t worry too much about this. If it persists after the baby is born then there’s something else going on.
Sounds like an alcoholic
He sucks. But….
The reason for his behavior is important in context as well. Is this out of character for him? Did this start when you got pregnant? Does he even *want* this baby?
One thing that comes to mind is that he has a baby coming and he’s not feeling ready to leave the more carefree child-free life behind him.
Only you know the answer. It could be he’s just an alcoholic and has been for some time. It could be he’s that self-centered he doesn’t care and wants to do what he wants (which will carryover to when the baby comes). It could also be he is having a hard time with the transition and is finding refuge in these nights with his friends, maybe even thinking about it as a last hurrah.
I’m not excusing his behavior AT ALL and its massively unfair to have to go through this during what should be a joyous time. But the key to true change is to understand (and feel understood). If you hammer him on his behavior he may or may not stop for a while, but the impetus for his behavior will still be there and eventually win out. Being a new parent is one of the most stressful things that anyone can go through – if he has poor coping skills with stress in general, this is not a good thing for the future.
Is this new behavior since announcing your pregnancy? Congrats by the way. If in fact your happy news has brought on your husband’s late night drinking binges then obviously he’s dealing with feelings and emotions beyond losing some of his perceived freedom. Becoming a first time parent changes everything and for one who’s in their 4th decade it can truly be a shock. He’s possibly worried about the new responsibility but also how it will change his relationship with you. Perhaps in stead of getting angry with him maybe sit down and have a frank conversation about his feelings, concerns, etc. If he’s been a great husband chances are high he’ll be a loving dad too once he works through the transition.
Advice? Yes, start looking into single mom subreddits.
he’s an alcoholic, and possibly depressed as well. he needs professional help, and it sounds like with the baby on the way, it’s to the point where he needs to get help or else you need to get out of there
I’d find a friend to go and stay with when he goes out drinking. I wouldn’t be waiting on him to come home. I’d not bother coming home until I was ready to go home. You are far enough along you need someone there that you can depend on to drive you to the hospital if something should happen with the pregnancy.
You need to be prepared to single parent. He isn’t going to change and if he’s running this hard from a marriage it’s going to 10x when baby arrives. Honestly, I’d mandate counseling individual and couples asap or start the divorce process. Time alone will do nothing.
He could be having an affair as well. His behaviour will only get worse. Especially when the baby comes. Spare yourself the anguish and start making plans for yourself and your baby.
You husband needs a good talk’in to.
make him take naltrexone an hour before he goes out. Google: Sinclair method (AA doesn’t work that well)
What country are you from?
as someone who grew up with a father just like him and a mother who constantly excuses his behavior, it will keep happening when the baby comes so he either gets into rehab now and is 2 months sober when baby arrives or you need to start gathering your village and preparing to leave. do not bring a baby into that environment, you and the child deserve peace and stability. not someone who’s gonna come home drunk at 4am (hope he’s not driving) and wake you and baby and stress you out
I feel guilty staying up past 11pm on a weekday what is this man taking?
Rehab, substance abuse therapy BEFORE the baby arrives. Be prepared to walk away.