For me it was my kids laying out their grievances and me finally connecting the behavior dots. Three years in therapy, still going and I feel like a different person. And my kids like me better now
Former toxic people, what was your wake up call that you needed to change, and how did you do it?
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Mine was a breakup. Partner straight up listed every way I was exhausting to be around. Hurt like hell but it stuck
I was always the fun drunk until I was not. One night I scared my little brother so badly he cried when I picked up a bottle. Have not touched alcohol in 5 years.
I realized every argument with my ex sounded the same, like we were just looping scripts. I was addicted to being right, not happy. Therapy + communication skills class fixed a lot.
Reading my old texts after a breakup. The manipulation, guilt-tripping, passive aggression…I could not believe that was me. Changed everything after that.
My wake up call was when my younger sister told me she hated being around me. I thought I was the protective brother…turns out I was just controlling and mean.
I always thought I was the funny drunk until one night my partner said they were embarrassed to go out with me. That crushed me. Have not touched alcohol since.
my friend was trying to make me hate him & push me away by listing out all the ways I sucked, who I hurt, etc.
It didn’t even hurt my feelings, I was appalled, had no idea I was acting this way and I worked to change my patterns immediately. He helped me recognize my problem areas so I had a foundation to work from. We stayed friends after all.
I treat it like addiction tho, I’m always working on pinpointing areas I slip and adjusting my approach.
Reading books. Learning to read novels and sitting inside someone else’s perspective through whole books changed me completely.
At 8 years old I remember being such a selfish jerk. Always wanting to win, be right, have everything, and never thinking about anyone else’s perspective. The older I got and the more I read something clicked where I was able to see things from others’ perspectives and be more considerate.
Looking back at high school friends and their bullying behavior is wild. At that point I knew it was wrong and refused to participate but I stayed friends with people in a way I would never tolerate now. It was a process where I learned how to act better myself and then slowly learned what not to tolerate from other people.
My wake up call was my divorce. I realized I was a toxic person and all the “stuff” I had didn’t matter. What did matter to me was the well being of my kids. I tried my best to be a good dad to them. That was some 35 years ago and fortunately they turned out ok.
I was still hurt by a previous comment my boyfriend at the time made about a woman he was obviously attracted to. I was curious why it bothered me so much and for so long. I came to the realization that I had an issue with the truth and needed to find peace with it. In my relationship, I caught myself behaving in a way that avoids disillusionment. I required my partners to behave this way as well in order to protect my feelings and maintain the illusion. I needed to accept people for who they truly are rather than how I thought they should perform.
My bf made me notice things i did more or less consciously, that were all forms of emotional manipulation.. of course i said he was wrong at first, but the comment stuck and i then analyzed over time my behaviours in other relationships, romantic and not, and eventually saw the pattern. It’s still something i do sometimes, but i try to recognize It and avoid It as much as possible.
My dad, who’s had various addiction issues, told me I was definitely an alcoholic. Asking myself “how much do you really want to stay like dad?” sobered me up. Been sober since 2017
MSNBC
After my divorce I met a guy and just talking to him and having him tell me he wouldn’t deal with “crazy behavior”, opened my eyes to how some women are. Sending crazy long texts just to get a reaction….because any reaction is better than none. Definitely makes me think about when I would do that. We had a lot of deep conversations about stuff like that. He’s a super loving guy and we’re still friends.
damn I wish my parents could have done that.
Idk if I was all the way toxic, but after being r*ped and in the aftermath of that, I sort of realised a lot of my behaviour wasn’t good. I felt like some of it, was the reason I landed myself into these situations maybe
I still cringe the fuck out, looking back at my past behaviour, so I’d like to think I’m still on track. I’ve said sorry to a lot of people. I try to be open when someone has upset me to resolve it, instead of hiding it and then bitching about it. I’ve learnt that not everyone has to know your business and past, you don’t have to tell everyone the truth if they don’t need to know it. Being fully single isn’t a bad thing, you don’t have to constantly keep dating people you don’t care about for company.
huda
I realized I was doing what my mom does to me to my brothers & sisters & kids. I thought it was normal… one day I decided to sit down and listen to my values and what I thought was the most important thing in my life .. what do I want to put my energy into? I realized it was the closest people I love… what did I want…? To feel close & loved. So If I want love I have to give it unconditionally. If I want respect, trust and understanding I must give it… etc. so far it’s changed my relationships with all my loved ones…
Thats weird thing, noone called me out. I was playing a game with 3 friends and lost my mind over losing and had been doing that for my whole life. No idea why, but I realised finally that it was a super crappy way to act and I apologised pver and over again. I didn’t so much as fix it, as everytime I realise I am getting to worked up I step back and cool ofd
For me it was just experience. When being toxic is the norm you become toxic to survive, and when you realize there is another way and that many thinga you’ve normalized is mean and deeply effed up.
Being gaslit for yeaars and yeaars really messes you up tbh.