I (30F) am literally in shock and heartbroken. I don’t know where to turn or who to talk to. I fear getting my family/friends involved could cause more issues. My fiancé (30M) and I have been together since 2018 (engaged for 2 years). We have a home and 2 beautiful children together. In 2023, I found out that I had HSV-2. This was a completely random outbreak, that turned my world upside down. I of course NEVER thought that would happen to me, especially so many years into a totally faithful relationship. I cried for days and felt completely disgusted with myself. My fiancé was very supportive and assured me that everything would be okay. He said he had never had any symptoms of it but obviously by now, I would have infected him. I apologized to him profusely and sobbed as I told him I was so sorry, that I had no idea I had it. He said he loved me, it will all be okay and didn’t make a big deal of it at all. Fast forward to a few nights ago…I noticed a lesion on him. I froze and felt terrible and asked him why he hadn’t told me and/or made an appointment with his doctor. He went completely silent and started acting weird. I didn’t understand and asked if he has had this before. He sat down next to me and quietly said yes. At this point I knew something was very wrong. I asked him how long and again he was silent. I told him he needed to answer me right fucking now. He admitted to me that he was diagnosed with HSV-2 before we had even gotten together. He confessed he was too embarrassed to tell me. So, basically he made the decision to knowingly infect me and keep it from me the entire time we’ve been together. We have a wedding planned for this September. I am at a loss. I want more than ANYTHING for my children to have a happy healthy home with their parents. I’m willing to put in the work to have a healthy relationship. However, I’m not sure how I can move on from this. Would it be worth it for me to put in the work with someone that could do that to me? Who was going to marry me without ever telling me this awful secret. He is a very selfish person by nature but I loved that I felt I could trust him and he was loyal. My trust feels completely shattered. Has anyone had an experience like this? Or made it work after such a big betrayal?
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It would be over instantly for me. I would never trust him again with anything. He didn’t even love you enough to protect you from this!
Somethings you just don’t ever get over. This is such an outstanding betrayal I’m not sure I could ever trust him again.
Take legal action if you can, honestly. This is evil. Thankfully you seem responsible enough to manage it and make sure this doesn’t happen to your other partners. Herpes is not a death sentence.
I’m sorry if this seems insensitive but were you not tested for HSV-2 when pregnant both times? I’m not sure if routines are different at different doctors or states but when I had my child they did a full screening which included HSV-2. And also sorry for this but having been together so long and you’re just now getting it, how did you not get it years ago and develop more and harder symptoms? Is it possible he didn’t have it before getting together? I feel terrible for your situation and truthfully would leave if I was in that situation. The decision to not tell you and for so long alone would show me enough of what kind of choices and thinking process’s they make and I don’t want to be apart of it. There’s no right or wrong way to handle this situation cause you’re uniquely yourself but know that there will be people to support you. You’re amazing and stronger than this situation ❤️
There’s no coming back from this. He CHOSE to do this to you. He’s a shitty, shitty human being.
I am so sorry – this was disgustingly selfish of him.
How could he even make this right?
He comfortably & intentionally jeopardized your health.
Is it not true that mothers can also pass this onto their unborn children if infected – so he risked your children’s health too?
What would you tell your children if they came running to you to tell you their partner did the same to them?
Look, it sucks telling people about it, it really does, but lying to them is vile. And it’s even more vile that he watched you spin out and get upset and didn’t tell you that you got it from him. He doesn’t take your health seriously, he didn’t give you the information to make an informed decision. And as someone else mentioned, you may even be able to sue him.
What a weak man. A weak, pathetic man that should not have access to your presence and love because he was too scared to be accountable for his sexual health. If you stay I bet he would not create space for your anger and betrayal because poor bubba is so distraught he knowingly gave someone an incurable STI SO YOU WOULD NOT LEAVE HIM. He denied you informed consent. He cares more about protecting himself from his big emotions than respecting you.
First, I don’t believe him. It’s more likely that he cheated. Second, he was allowing you to take the blame that he did! Third, knowingly giving an STD to someone without their consent is a crime in many areas.
But if you want to even attempt to stay together then you need therapy stat. Personally I think you probably should do more digging and have him show you proof from his medical records where he actually got his diagnosis.
This almost or is worst or is on par with cheating. I would leave. He just sacrificed your entire health all to save his self esteem.
Knowingly infecting someone with a virus is considered assault in some states. You may be able to press charges and I would honestly consider it.
This is an immediate breakup and possibly even charges or a suit brought. Do not stay with this guy.
What he did was unconscionable and a crime where I am! There is NO WAY that I would ever marry this man bc I could never trust him again and every time I had an outbreak I’d get angry at him all over again!
Ps: if you’re not on a medication like valaciclovir, start it now. It can greatly decrease the number of outbreaks you have and lower your risk of spreading the infection to other intimate partners.
He should have told you for sure…dick move there. That said, It is herpes, not cancer.
I wouldn’t be able to forgive him or trust him, so idk how you marry someone like that. I’m so sorry.
Definitely consult a doctor, let the doctor know he withheld the information from you and knowingly, purposefully infected you without your consent. Then, talk to a lawyer and possibly the police. Ask the doctor what the protocol is for someone who does it on purpose ( does the board of health need to know, etc..). The doctor should be able to give you advice depending on where you live.
People are saying it lies dormant but if tested it’ll come back positive. It takes 4 months for it to come up on a test. I know this bc I had a friend who got it from the girl he lost his virginity to (bad luck, I know). He went to get tested and they said come back in 4 months. He did and it was positive. He never had an actual outbreak until 2 years later. So I’m willing to bet he cheated on her if she had these tests done when pregnant and was clear both times. If he’ll lie about something as serious as herpes, I wouldn’t be surprised he’d keep his cheating a secret to.
That would be a dealbreaker for me. He lied and made you feel responsible. He let his embarrassment put your health at risk with an incurable infection.
I’d rather be alone than with someone so pathetic.
He didn’t just risk your health, HSV can be fatal to infants.
Oh honey I’m so sorry. I think there’s no coming back from this. That’s not just a lie, it’s malicious and dangerous. If he’s selfish now, it’s only going to get worse.
Stay strong xx
So sorry this happened to you. Please speak to a relationship counselor, do not let the strangers of reddit plant the seed in your head.