Hi everyone,
I (18F) just started seeing a guy (22M) less than two weeks ago. On the very first time we met, he made comments that really bothered me:
• He told me to stop wearing makeup and self-tanner because I’m “prettier without it.”
• He said I don’t actually have depression, I’m just “lazy.”
• He claimed my childhood “wasn’t bad or traumatic,” even though I was physically abused by my father growing up.
Those comments hit me hard, especially because they sound like the exact things my father used to say.
Then today, we had our first fight. I had only sent him 4 messages this week, but he accused me of “nagging” and made me feel like I was doing something wrong. This is confusing, because last week he was the one texting me nonstop.
I know it’s early, but I already feel like I’m being criticized and dismissed in the same way I was as a child. I’m scared this is a huge red flag and that if I stay, I’ll end up years from now realizing I tied myself to someone toxic.
Should I walk away now before it goes further?
Comments
end it
yea you don’t need that. boy bye!
End it. He’s putting you down and honestly given the age gap it’s not particularly surprising. It’s always good to ask yourself why this older person isn’t dating someone their age. 4 years might not seem like much but the difference between a 22 year old and an 18 year old is staggering
You don‘t need someone who refuses to realize that depression is a real thing. There are other people out there who are kind and understanding. If I were you, I would‘ve walked away already.
I should mention but there is a huge language barrier. he is russian and doesn’t really speak English or my first language.
Walk away from him and don’t look back. Asap
Walk away. He shouldn’t have even made it past the first meeting.
End it
Yes, end it. That’s mental and emotional abuse so don’t put up with it.
Block that boy, wave him off, oh hell no
End this shit dude.
Please end it
Yes
I think your gut is correct. End this NOW
End it, as quickly as possible. You can end it because you really haven’t started it, and you’re already under attack. Mental health is paramount!
Have some dignity
I wouldn’t only end it, I’d block him on everything.
It isn’t a question. You deserve better.
Belittling you to feed his ego. Believe it or not people such as this are highly insecure.. it’s their ego that isn’t. They’ve built up a defence mechanism so that they can put others down whilst boosting themselves up. It is false. The ego/character they have built is a lie and a fraud. If they could just see by this nonsense they would be better people majority of time. You see the ego doesn’t want you to change and yet change is inevitable.
You should focus on you and get rid of him quite simply. You’ve been seeing him less than two weeks and he is already testing the waters seeing what he can get away with and utilising narcissistic behaviour.Get out of there before you get attached.
As for the traumas that you have went through in your childhood look up ways to self reflect and to face your trauma from your past maybe also into counselling and I do not say that to be rude but to help you beat it and grow into the person you aspire to be.
Know your worth don’t let people like that belittle you and tell you the experiences you went through or how trauma works. I’m sure there’s things within he has been afraid to face and has led him into that little egotistical shell and corrupted way of thinking which he perceives as manly and is in fact child like behaviour.
Cut him loose – you can do better – he is just a blip in your dating road
End it, right now
The comments he made about your appearance and your mental health are two of the red flags that I identify in the post below:
https://www.reddit.com/r/analyzeme/comments/1m3sqgc/red_flags_to_watch_out_for_when_dating/
But what I find more interesting is something else you write:
“Those comments hit me hard, especially because they sound like the exact things my father used to say.”
That ^ observation is critically important.
If you don’t mind me asking, before this person said anything to you about your looks or your make up or your mental health, did he exhibit any sort of behaviors whatsoever that reminded you of your father when you were a small child?
Specifically, this boyfriend’s appearance, the way he talks about things in general, the way he presents himself, the way he shares his opinion and ideas, the way he carries himself, perhaps the way he drives his car even… the way he relates to other people, and so on.
Please try hard to remember, and please mention anything that comes to your mind, no matter how seemingly unimportant.
Please let me know, and I can share some interesting insights with you. Thank you.
>Should I end it?
1000000000% YES
Yesssssssd
Run even
Immediately nope out.
Do not let 2 weeks become 2 months.
Also: DO NOT EVER tell men your traumas or wounds until you are DAMN sure they will not use it against you – case in point: The asshat you are just about to stop dating.
girl, if he’s comfortable behaving like this THIS soon, imagine how much worse it’ll be when he’s comfortable in six months. run!
Usually I don’t offer this advice – but break it off. If he leads off with stuff like like this… this is the kinda stuff that sounds like a bitter relationship of many years.
You deserve better.
It’s okay for a partner to hold opinions different from your own, but if a partner insists that you thinking/feeling “x” is wrong, and that it is “y” instead, that is showing lack of respect for your own autonomy, which is not a good sign. You’d want a partner that gives you space to have your own views, make your own choices, and be yourself. If he’s telling you what to do, or how you should feel, instead of asking or suggesting, that controlling tendency does not bode well.
Say bye and go. That’s ridiculous
Walk away he’s a jerk
Yes, you should walk away, this is gross behaviour no matter when it comes up. Your lucky he showed you who he really was so nice and early in the relationship so you could get out without too many feelings.
No, you shouldn’t walk away. You should run. At least he showed you who he really is right away. The beginning of a relationship should be the easiest part. If you don’t feel your best with someone, no matter how long you’ve been with them you should end it
You have to ask? I hope after you typed all of that out you realized you were overdue to walk and did it.
F that noise. You don’t need that in your life. End it. You deserve so much better. ❤️ Be safe. Keep us updated.
Why did you ever begin dating this jerk? Give him a KMA and run, don’t walk, away.
He hates you leave
He hates women. Most straight men do. They’re just sexually attracted to them. Don’t waste your time. Focus on yourself and your future.
Follow your gut – walk away. No sane person would tell you to stay.
Fuck that noise. Why stay with someone like that? If anything he has mental issues.
Unfortunately we often attract the same kind of people we were raised by. Abusers have a nose for people they can abuse. 1. No one should control your physical appearance and the choices you make regarding makeup hair etc. 2. He does not get to tell you your state of mind and emotions. See a therapist regarding all of this. You’re dating your father. I would not be surprised if he is at some point becomes physically abusive. He’s definitely establishing control. Your inner voice is telling you this: hence the fear and feeling of red flags. You should definitely walk away from this relationship already showing signs of toxicity. And, you should seek therapy as soon as your situation allows, so you can break the bonds of your past and not have the same trauma become your future. Mentally unpacking the baggage of abuse takes work. Getting out of the situation was only your first step. Believe me, he picked you because he senses you’re vulnerable to the control he needs to have. Therapy can help you establish boundaries, recognize when something is breaking a boundary and help you have a healthy sense of self. Sorry this is so long.
I haven’t the slightest idea why you saw this guy after the first encounter, when he insulted you. Move on.
Do you see a future with this guy? If not, then end it.
I’d end it and tell him exactly why. Most people hate confrontation and avoid it at all costs. He needs to hear that he’s rude and immature so hopefully he can learn and change. He is not boyfriend material.
This guy is just three red flags in a trench coats. DEFINITELY end it, and no matter what he says, never EVER get back together.
Bye, boy!
Yep, that’s a lot of different abusive behaviors in a very short period of time.
Break up with that man, he’s no good, he’s another abuser.
>Should I end it?
DUH*
^(*[with all due respect])
Girl it’s been less than a fortnight… drop that mf.
Not sure why you stayed past the original comments
Two weeks and he’s already making you feel awful? Nope. Run. I had similar experiences as a young woman, and now I’m 32 and celebrating my 10th anniversary with a great man who would never. He’s human and I’m sensitive, so he does occasionally say something that hurts my feelings, but is immediately apologetic when I communicate that, and doesn’t ever do it again. He’s said stuff like “I like your natural hair color” and “you’re beautiful when you wake up,” but still compliments my new hair color and my makeup. I have never felt so loved and adored, and even when he’s being a pain in the ass, he’s my favorite person to be around.
He also thinks my dad is pathetic, which is incredibly validating.
Read the book, “Stop Caretaking the Narcissist and Borderline.” And move on. He is a horr*r show.
You’re as much of a problem and I’m curious of his side of the story based on how you’re telling it bc it’s very obvious what you should do based on your telling of it. It’s likely that you picked a bad partner but what would be the reason for wavering this early on whether you should?
Yes , end it , run don’t walk and don’t look back
Good luck
I’m trying to figure out how you ended up dating him in the first place considering he was already acting up the first time you met up….
Yeah shut him down. And possibly thank him for revealing himself to be an asshole so quickly. Solves a lot of time for you.
Yup. Don’t even look back. Someone like that isn’t worth your time.
Please leave him in your dust, asap. It will not get better, I assure you.
Ruuuuuun away
YES!
End it. This guy is not boyfriend material. Your bf/partner is supposed to build you up and support you. This guy is trying to build himself up by tearing you down. Just … no.
Don’t think people should be in long term commited relationships until mid twenties or later. The human brain doesn’t mature until mid twenties or later. This 22 year old sounds like the south end of a north bound donkey. Don’t waste your time, move on quickly.
End it. Like please do 🥲 he ain’t worth ur time
From here on until the end of time don’t even bother conversing with people like this let alone dating them.
People gravitate toward the familiar. This is a trauma bond. You’re acting out your relationship
With your dad. In order to heal that you need to become aware of it. You also need trauma therapy to help process it. Somatic experiencing is very effective for this. So is emdr. You will probably continue to get into relationships with men like this unless you heal. It’s just the way the nervous system works, it’s always looking to finish what didn’t get to happen in traumatic events.
The man you are dating is as traumatized as you, your dad, his parents. But that’s his issue and his to solve. He’s just a signal that your body is stuck in trauma. Don’t waste time, get the correct help to heal.
Also, stop over sharing. You know this guy two weeks, he shouldn’t have this much information about you already.
Good luck
Yeah you got a winner there
Get him outa your life
Run don’t walk as far away as you possibly can!
Uh seriously? Yes end it
He is setting you up to be abused and then gaslight you into thinking it’s not that bad
Run like your hair is on fire 🔥
Life is too short to spend time with anyone who treats you poorly
Absolutely. He’s not worth the hassle — wasn’t even on the first date.
OP, your gut is bothering you so bad, you’re asking Reddit after just a handful of dates. You need to end it — and don’t let him guilt you or threaten you or even threaten to hurt himself. End it and move on.
Walk away 100%
Either he’s utterly clueless or an asshole, and I don’t recommend women date either.
FINISH HIM! (as in Mortal Combat… don’t make it weird).
Yup, this guy would never understand who you are outside of your relationship with him. He’s not interested in knowing you, he’s interested in making you into who he wants you to be… for him. He must either be a beginning controller or very good looking that he’s so confident to spew this crap so early. Thank him for showing you what he is and tell him adios!
End it. He’s shown you what he is, don’t wait for him to show you something different. You have so much life ahead of you. Don’t waste a moment on this scumbag!
He’s a loser. Find someone who won’t put you down. I’m an old man. As a kid I went through similar stuff.
I have three kids. Had none of that, chose carefully.I have two daughter’s. I taught them to feel good about themselves. Be discerning in who you date. There are bad people. Avoid them. Don’t be afraid to say no.
Get some good role models . And use their model. Follow smart people. Don’t diminish yourself. You have value. If someone doesn’t see it. Move on.
Good Luck.
Why is this even a question? Have more self-respect, because you deserve better treatment than this.
Good god, he is a total head case. Opinionated, domineering, insensitive, dismissive, controlling, casually cruel, etc. People tend to be the best version of themselves early in a relationship, just imagine how much worse he will become once he gets comfortable. In other words, run.
Definitely end it. And going forward, maybe keep first date conversation lighter. There’s no shame in having been abused or having a medical condition, but it’s quite personal and a pretty heavy topic for date #1.
Looks like he found an inexperienced person to abuse, find someone else ASAP
Run, don’t walk
Yeah big red flags
Holy shit RUN! Two weeks in and it’s already like this…
Do not bother continuing the relationship with him. If something bothers you at the very start of a relationship, that’s a red flag.
Even if you hadn’t been physically abused, depression can be physiological. It happens to people will all sorts of backgrounds, even some with lovely childhoods. Good people do NOT question or undermine those who have shared that they have depression.
Walk away now. The beginning of a relationship should be rainbows and fairy dust. That he’s criticized you at the start is concerning because once he is really comfortable, the comments and jabs will really come out.
Remember that we are never obligated to date people. Dating is about finding connection. Even when the other person has done nothing wrong, that connection might not be meant for a romantic relationship. If the other person doesn’t bring you joy and have that spark, you should be kind but end it. We don’t need to burn bridges to end a relationship. It is simply a matter of this relationship not being the right one for you. Please walk away and don’t look back.
Absolutely walk away, you already see it’s reminding you of your father and it seem it wasn’t all good memories so why recreate that with someone who reminds you of something you want to forget.
Everybody I know that has been in a long-term bad relationship wished that they would have bailed out at the first red flag… Here is your first red flag. Bail.
Yes.
End it. Especially if you just started.
Don’t walk. Run! 🚩🚩🚩
Get a ring on that finger girl but let a gem like this pos get away. He sucks in so many ways
The great thing about relationships, is there’s no required amount of time to spend in them. When you know, you know. He doesn’t sound good for you: I think you should end it.
Hit the eject button on this abuser immediately!!
Leave him. He’s going to get worse and worse.
Don’t allow yourself to be conditioned this is okay.
You’ll find someone else who deserves you and treats you better.
He can fuck right off and fall off fuck off cliff
Yup
Just bounce , your post songs like you are trying to justify yourself..
Not needed
Dump him. The beginning of a relationship is usually the “Honeymoon phase” when you are learning about each other and have your best foot forward. If this is his best behavior, how will he be treating you six months from now? Don’t waste time finding out, there are better than him everywhere.
Run 🏃 run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run
Dump him. He sounds yucky.
well of course if you don’t he is right you are nut case
YES, end it, no question
At least he showed his true controlling, judgmental, and ignorant right away. No need to waster any more time on this loser, he will only get worse.
Exit stage left.
Jeseu christ fuck him!
End it. I see 4 red flags from your post. Don’t look back, don’t try to please him. End it and walk away.
I hope you can remove yourself from this situation and know that this can be a real learning experience for you in walking away from people & situations that are actively harmful.
I’m sorry this is happening to you and you’re not alone. I’m sure most of the others like me here advising you to leave, are not saying so because we haven’t also made these decisions or worse ourselves.
I know that I am saying this to you as a 53 year old woman who DID NOT always make the right decision in similar situations. I am thankful I was able to learn and grow before they became decisions I couldn’t reverse out of.
Good luck & be safe! If you feel like you might be in physical danger, there are resources to help
In the US https://www.thehotline.org/?utm_source=youtube&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=domestic_violence
if i were you I’d drop him.
Being alone is always better than this . Honestly you are asking the wrong question here though. The question you should be asking is why do you think so little of yourself that you would have even gone on a second date with this guy ? Never be this desperate in life, you are two weeks in , cut your losses.
He said these things to you on a first date and you went on a second date
You need to break up then get into therapy and stay single for at least a year.
Dump him
Yes
Please end this as soon as possible.
Are you seriously asking? Yes you should end it. This should be an absolute no brainer
There’s lots of other guys. Get rid of this duche
Sounds like he is just looking out for you & trying to toughen you up so you don’t keep that victim mentality.
I might be an older guy without the most experience, but I can tell you right now. Don’t settle for that. Establish yourself a standard and check yourself to see if you’re attracted to nice guys or not. I don’t wanna get too nosy, but I’m also curious what your father‘s like and what your relationship with him is been I think that’s an important consideration when examining the type ofrelationship relationships we get into
Yeah no
OP, please end this. This is NOT healthy, and the verbal abuse will only increase. He is scum bag, and you deserve better than this clown.
You really need advice when its this cut and dry?
What benefit do you possibly see in sticking around?
Walk away from this guy. Block him and disappear from his life.
This is only the beginning. Literally. This is what hes comfortable showing you 2 weeks in. Imagine what will come when hes more comfortable.
After those comments he made the first time you met,why on Earth or any other planet did you decide to start dating h?
You seriously can’t figure this out on your own? If not, I suggest counseling.
Yea, dump that dude right away
I ran into an old date like that 20 years later, and his life was full of ‘crazy bitches that wouldn’t let him see his child’ and more crazy bitches. And he threw in a last insult (‘o yeah, I remember you, blah blah insult’).
I was so happy that he was still not in a lasting relationship and that the mother of his child keeps the child away from him!
You don’t need this asshole in your life. Focus on setting up a career and make sure you are very careful with your birth control. You do not need to get trapped into a horrible situation.
You deserve to have a loving and supportive partner. The person you described is not that.
Yes
IMO yes you should end it. This guy does not like you. Never stay with someone that diminishes your experiences and tries to change you on your first date. You are right, this is a big red flag, like so red its glowing brightly.
There are much better guys out there. Pick somebody that makes you happy and that believes the things you say. Someone that doesnt want to immediately change who you are.
SIS LEAVE HIM WHERE HE AT!! Thats The Start Of A Disaster Waiting To Happen!
Girl, end it now or else you’re about to get yourself into a traumatic experience. Please trust me. Don’t make the same mistake I did
If you’re asking yourself these questions then just end it. He’s still fairly young and most likely someone has hurt him too.. hurt people, hurt people unfortunately.
Walk away, he’s a narcissist, or at least shows some signs and tactics of one.
100% yes end that relationship asap
Yes end it. Narcissist boyfriend I suspect. I feel that often the children of an abuser often ends up in abusive relationships because they have not learned yet to value themselves..or have not had good examples of healthy relationships and too much patience for bad behaviour. Look after yourself girl.
Break up now
” He said I don’t actually have depression, I’m just “lazy.” . He claimed my childhood “wasn’t bad or traumatic,’” even though I was physically abused by my father growing up.”
This guy doesn’t understand mental health or really life as a human. Move on. It will only get worse from here.
Early is the best time to get out. He is showing you who he is right out of the gate. The love bombing phase is over and he is establishment control though gaslighting and manipulation.
Two weeks in, and he’s already criticising you. Run.
Kick him to the curb! He is already gaslighting you and putting you down and hasn’t even gotten to know you! WTF?! RUN from this man!
End it ! Those are all red flags ..and that feeling you’re getting is your gut telling you this is wrong ..it was wrong when you were a kid it’s wrong now …
You are young and have your life ahead of you. There are better men out there … 4 texts is not nagging
Why are you asking this? Respect yourself.
Geez. Sarcasm coming-no, this guy’s a keeper! Guaranteed to beat you into jelly.
I don’t even need to read past the subject line to be sure you should absolutely drop kick this guy.
Oh yeah outright those are turbo scumbag things to say to people and this is him after peeling back that first layer of comfortability he has with you.
Also note: no one else has the right or the ability to diagnose you with anything. Dudes a dumbass whose probably listened to too many self help brain rot shit about cleaning your room wlli fix your problems or something stupid.
My advice. Waste absolutely no fucking time with anyone who criticizes your appearance without your request.
He sounds like a narcissistic person.
People like this are not good for you.
You just met and he is critizing you?
Walk away and dont look back. (41m here)
Dump this loser. He is setting you up for abuse. Think about it: if someone is dating you, they should be on their best behavior, be fun to spend time with and make you feel happy. You are getting none of that. All this creep is doing is knocking you down so he can feel superior. He is also controlling and an ass. You can do better. You will do better. This a lesson for the future – Never Let Anyone Pull You Down!!!
I’ll chime in with everyone else. This guy is waaayy out in left field waving a ton of red flags. Yes, end it NOW … but you already knew that answer. Good for you for recognizing a jerk.
If that’s the begging of the relationship imagine how it will be later… end that shit
You need to run far, far away! RED FLAGS! He is definitely not someone to be in a relationship with. When a man starts telling you what you should or shouldn’t wear, talks about your looks etc, those are enormous red flags. That is a man that is controlling and manipulative! There are many other young men that will treat you better and appreciate you for who you are!!
I feel like this can’t be real, why the fuck did this relationship continue past the first date? Is this just karma farm?
On the off chance you’re a real person, end it what the hell
I really think it might be best to move on from this situation. It sounds like his behavior isn’t healthy, and it’s important to prioritize how you truly feel. You’re a strong and capable person, and you deserve someone who respects you and your feelings. There are definitely better options out there for you!
End it
Nuke it from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.
Yes. He sounds like a nob
Leave
It’s not too early to dump him. He’s being controlling and unsupportive. Plus he thinks he’s your psychiatrist! It will only get worse from here. Get rid of him!
RUN baby girl Run…
the only reason this is your first fight is because you never stand up for yourself before
Oh yea, throw this turd to the curb fast.
Just end it. That “relationship” won’t survive. You dont deserve any of that.
You were abused by your father growing up so don’t let that happen to you again. This guy sounds like a total loser. Please end it. Honestly you’re so young. Focus on yourself and finding out who you are. You don’t need some guy to make you feel like shit.
If he’s behaving like this at the start of the relationship, how is he going to be when he shows you what he’s really like?
I say get out now while you can.
I think you know the answer. And, you are right.
yes end it you already know your answer. sounds very narcissistic and toxic run 🥴🥴
He’s negging you and trying to tear down your self esteem so it’s easier to control you. You don’t have to put up with someone trying to make you feel bad. Walk away.
Girl run away- that early signs that he evil
He never should’ve made it past the first date.
End it. There’s no shortage of guys who will treat you better.
I think this guy saw you coming, asked personal question that you answered, knew he could get over on you with negging and proceeded to do just that. Newsflash: you don’t have to take it! It’s been two weeks and the guy didn’t even bother to fake it. Get out while the getting is good. BTW, are you in therapy?
You probably shouldn’t be dating yet if you are seeing red flags literally being placed right in front of your face and still questioning if you want that in your life. Sorry to sound harsh, but if this is your amount of self-awareness and safety then you need to grow up some more first. Don’t start a pattern of abuse so early; it’s not fun.