I don’t even know where to start with this. I feel like l’m losing control of my own brain and I’m genuinely afraid of the person I might become.
I’m a guy who, on the surface, is pretty normal. I have friends, study, l’m polite to people. But underneath that, there’s a constant war going on in my head. My sex drive is through the roof. I’m masturbating 7, sometimes 8 times a day. It’s not even a choice anymore; it’s a compulsion.
Also, for your information, I do not have a girlfriend or any sex, I used to be addicted to hookers, but I don’t go anymore. It’s just masturbating 7-8 times a day without any porn, I’m only using my imagination.
The biggest problem is the trigger. It’s everything. I can’t walk down the street without my brain latching onto any woman I see, any semi-revealing clothing, any normal interaction. It all gets downloaded into my head against my will and twisted into these intense. graphic, and frankly disturbing fantasies. I don’t want these thoughts, but they flood in and the only way to get a moment of peace is to… you know, masturbating. But the peace only lasts an hour before it starts again.
This is where it gets really bad, and it’s hard to even type this out. The fantasies aren’t loving or even just “kinky.” They’re filled with animosity, hate, and a need for total domination. I don’t just think about sex; I think about using women as objects, about “conquering” them. I have fantasies about impregnating a lot of women, like some kind of trophy collection.
The most disturbing one, and the one that makes me feel the most sick, is a recurring fantasy about being with a married woman. But it’s not about her. It’s about the hate I feel for her hypothetical husband. The thrill and the “adventure” comes from the idea of hurting him, of taking what’s “his” to feel superior. It’s like I have this massive, raging superiority complex that only comes out in these sexual contexts.
I’m horrified by this. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t want to see women as objects. I want a normal, healthy relationship one day, but how can I, when my brain is like this? I’m terrified that if I ever get a girlfriend, I’ll end up hurting her, either emotionally or physically, because these urges are so strong. I’m scared I’ll never have a loving, intimate connection because this need for aggressive, hateful “enemy sex” is so overwhelming.
I feel like two different people. The normal guy my friends know, and this monster inside my head. The constant masturbation is just a symptom of this mental chaos.
Has anyone else ever dealt with anything like this? What is wrong with me? Is this a mental health thing, a hormonal thing? I know I need to see a therapist, and I’m working up the courage to make that call, but I guess I’m just looking to see if I’m completely alone in this. Any advice on how to start getting this under control would be appreciated.
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Well, definitely sounds a lot more aggressive than probably the average person, but that’s why porn is so bad as it’s addictive and it just seems to snowball from my experience.
It’s something you definitely need to get addressed and talk to a therapist about, because if it keeps snowballing, you will end up, hurting somebody whether you mean to or not.
I’d also be curious what your day today looks like if you’re able to do it seven or eight times a day? What hobbies do you have, are you working out, etc. You need to fill your day in with other stuff so that you don’t have that as an outlet as easily.
When do you think you can make an appointment with your therapist?
I would definitely categorize this as a mental health thing but I’m not a doctor. You definitely need to talk to one and get in therapy.
We usually have this domination fantasies if we have been made felt that we are unworthy of domination in life, usually by parents, or like didn’t let us have control. If that‘s the case, I believe you should seek professional help.
The amount of people that say therapy as if it can fix everything have never actually been in therapy and realized what a fucking joke it is
Hey- I think while it’s great you’re reaching out for help, I think you’ll get a better response from a therapist versus some of the responses that can come with insensitive Reddit commenters. I think it’s amazing you’re seeking help because it sounds like you’re in a great deal of distress. Just know that the right therapist can help you process what you wrote, release shame, and manage the distress. I wish you the best of luck and if you’re in the US you can message me to help find a clinician in your area!
Find a therapist
“I used to be addicted to hookers”
“I’m terrified that if I ever get a girlfriend, I’ll end up hurting her, either emotionally or physically, because these urges are so strong.”
Did you mistreat the hookers?
Obviously as you’ve said as well as many here, therapy is definitely a need.
And I am certainly no psychologist and have extremely limited information, only what’s given in this post. But I would try to maybe seek out a therapist that is familiar with anxiety disorders. Not saying you have one, but unwanted intrusive thoughts that you ruminate on and that interfere with your daily life is certainly something that could point toward that.
In fixing any big problem, you need to slice it down to smaller issues you can solve one at a time. I would start with trying to get your libido to normal levels, as that would probably be the biggest quality of life improvement if you don’t have to spend so much time on masturbating. Having dark fantasies in general is fine, but it sounds like your dark fantasies are more compulsive than fantasies are supposed to be, which then could suggest that it is a mental health thing. I would recommend looking into Pedophilia OCD. Not because I think you have it, but because there are some shared symptoms of having compulsive dark fantasies that you find distressing. When it comes to these types of compulsive thoughts the most helpful thing is to try and accept them. It sounds very counter productive I know, but the origin of these fantasies is often the fear of them, so if you accept them and stop fearing them, it will reduce the frequency and intensity of the fantasies. Also fantasies isn’t the right word, they would be called compulsions, as fantasies are supposed to be pleasant mentally. You aren’t a monster, and if my suspicion is right and this is something similar to Pedophilia OCD, you will get over these through treatment, and that these thoughts you have don’t actually define you at all. If you do talk to a therapist, I would recommend you talk to someone who specializes in OCD or something obsession related in general. Not all therapists know how to treat obsessions properly.
Everyone has kinks as long as you don’t enact them in real life you’re fine.
Aslong as you aren’t hurting anybody and It’s not affecting your behavior or life negatively then you’re probably fine. If it still bothers you despite that then therapy.
If you feel like you might be at risk of doing these things IRL then definitely therapy is a good choice.
That said
People literally pay to play out scenarios like that to get their fix if needed.
Also and this is probably a hot take with AI you can use one of those AI girlfriend apps and play out your fantasies there and get it out of your system.
My man you are Gengis Khan reincarnated
Please speak with a therapist. There is a lot to unpack here. Reddit or ChatGPT is not going to have the solution.
Just because you feel like a monster doesnt mean you are one. People express pain and trauma in different ways.
If you are scaring yourself then you know there is a serious problem. Porn addiction by itself is enough to wreck someone’s life.
You need to quit gooning, shit rewires your brain and is as harmful as any other addiction as you can see.
Talk to a therapist and maybe try a SSRI to suppress your libido for a bit.
You gotta take control bro. Would this post be any different if you were talking about your compulsion to smoke crack? Because the behavior the triggers etc….are very similar. You cannot stop. You have experienced what is called loss of control. You want to punish women because they don’t see how “special” you are. Year after year after year. It’s like your invisible. Everyone else has a girl and is getting laid. At one point maybe you decided fuck it I’ll just screw whores that will show them . Then when the money for that dried up you just decided you will have sex with yourself . Behaviors that still make you feel like you have choices .
Fuck . I usually always have advice and or a theory . I’m baffled here. Not sure if you once had a girl and she shit all over you or what but you seem to be determined to get your satisfaction any way you can besides the normal ways. It’s too much effort. Rejection makes you wanna hurt people. Even worse. You wanna see people suffer at your hand. You wanna actually watch them watch you seeing them suffer. Look deep into their eyes type shit .
Nobody is gonna come save ya bro. Nobody is gonna give you an explanation that makes it all stop.
This is a careful what you wish for thing …at first it was all fun and games. You felt like you found a life hack and you’d show them bitches you don’t need anything from them . Now your buried underneath it.
You are 24. You are owning it. Still young and hopefully still able to get this sickness under control and squash it.
It really is your entire life riding on it. If you were say 40-60 years of age I’d say you are a threat and you are dangerous. Your age hasn’t gotten to a point yes where you panic and lose total control of yourself and do something heinous. But that will come.
Get something you can lock your junk up and can’t get at it. I dunno.
You need therapy guaranteed. This sounds stupid as hell but go to chatgpt and have the talk . Them fuckers got some real shit to say.
Then start to focus on fixing your life. I can’t believe everything is perfect except this small problem.
Start to work on everything. Your residence. Your health. Your diet. Your physical fitness. Walk . Run. Bike. And stop looking for the triggers. You can control it. When you are out just jam music and stare at the phone. Read. Change your focus . Get a pet. But don’t think this is gonna fix itself. If you are at this frame of mind now. In 20 years you will be Ted Bundy John Wayne Gacey and Dahmer. I feel for you dude that’s why I tried to at least give ya something . I wish you luck man because we get one life bro and If we fuck it up real bad well you know fucking better than to do that . Let go man. Your like a crackhead for dope. Think about it . You are much more than that aren’t you .
It’s not your libido, you have a pituitary cancer. Go get checked.
try reading the Bible to get your mind off it
This could lead to downvotes for people with closed off minds or engaging with it and believing the teachings but you’re better off understanding.
Stop channeling lust by watching p***ography or avoiding things that genuinely make you triggered. You are oppressed by lustful thoughts I’ve been fighting this battle for years and only now understand the enemy has been oppressing me for years without any knowledge of it so take this as a learning opportunity rather than me having a go because lust is personally my biggest enemy also.
There’s a thing called spiritual warfare, I’m sorry if you aren’t a believer but this is the only truthful way of me putting it to you. There are things not so complex going on in this world and higher places and many a man refuses to acknowledge it down to the fact that they are in fact confused by it, don’t want to acknowledge it and think it will go away if they don’t think about it or if they say it doesn’t exist they have a get out of jail free card. The only true way of defeating this is by turning to God and self reflection, monitoring the things that trigger you and if you become triggered then try not to engage and distract yourself.
I had been oppressed for years had a full blown “awakening” as these head the balls would call it now I was lost on a bad path and was going anywhere for change and I went this route and what a load of nonsense it has been it’s malpractice through Eastern mysticism practicing divination which is channeling things we should not and another way for me to come off the path of God and be deceived by the enemy. Laws of attraction/chakras all this hocus pocus nonsense.
I would suggest looking into spiritual warfare and engaging in it but doing so by calling on God ie the Holy Trinity and asking Jesus to wash you with his blood and to cleanse you from these sins and grow in faith.
Deliverance is a process that takes time and I mean it can truly take time I still have a surge up my back once you let the enemy in it is a serious problem getting rid of them and in today’s world it can be even more difficult to avoid triggers but we’ve got to fight against it and lucky enough you haven’t opened them doors but you are understanding now that more is at play and trying to defeat it.
Now other religions have been known to be able to cast out things ie exorcism etc. they are in fact casting the enemy out with the enemy their so called “Gods” it is quite profound how intelligent these things can be. The serpent is deceitful.
^ this statement can be backed up upon the Catholicism exorcism site and the specific prayer is a full renouncement of freemasonry in fact I will set it just below feel free to copy and paste it if you wish to learn more.
https://www.catholicexorcism.org/deacon-prayers-1/breaking-the-freemasonic-curse-prayer#:~:text=I%20renounce%20every%20evil%20spirit,to%20me%20or%20my%20family.
Understand Jesus’ blood is more than enough to cleanse you with faith, prayer, scripture and building a relationship with him, I truly believe you will get through this and defeat the enemies of your soul.
If you recognise the enemy it is harder for him to get in it doesn’t mean he doesn’t from time to time but this is our doing and our faults this is not on Gods behalf it’s rather us showing weakness, slipping up in our ways really doing something we should not ie sin.
Look up the 7 deadly sin.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seven_deadly_sins
^ see how the above is affecting your life in any form ask Jesus to cleanse you from such things with his blood and fight against it.
Now a lot of people will try to tell you this is nonsense but it’s not. Even the aspect of meditation chasing after a “higher state of consciousness” is a practice of divination. I explained to someone about this and smoking weed and how Shiva is worshipped one day a year by the Hindu people whilst smoking weed and that’s the very thing that got me into the mess I got into.
I hope you can get out of this rot and fight against the enemy and pray in the name of Jesus you are set free from any chains or bondage that are holding you down in life. Amen.🙏
Definitely not an expert so i think going to see a therapist would be good. I think the most dangerous thing is to drown in shame and isolate yourself. You could probably find some girl who is into similar things as you, and as long as it’s consensual and mostly just happens in the bedroom there doesn’t have to anything wrong with it although i wonder if these fantasies could have something to do with some childhood trauma or something idk. But your sex drive seems to be an issue and the way your sexual fantasies make you objectify women, and I think that it’s probably not only because of your libido, it seems like a porn addiction just that you’re addicted to the fantasies instead.
Either way i think it’s good that you’re not with hookers or watching porn anymore partially for yourself but also bc of how awful that industry is and how many people gets traumatised etc
Well done on taking this first step of recognising the issue and trying to do something about it, it’s a huge step so be proud of yourself.
While I can appreciate opening up and asking for help, no one here is remotely qualified to give you advice (yeh ok everyone, there might be a couple of therapists here but generally speaking we are not qualified)
Definitely seek out professional help from a qualified therapist
Control it thru working out, reading(mental, spiritual books) do some thing difficult that gives u strong sense of control over your mind/body. Buddhism/Hinduism helps, you don’t need to be a convert per say. Read up? Not a reader, listen to lectures, no time? Fall asleep to spiritual/mental lectures. Listen to intellectual and/or spiritual. The fact that you have observed/aware of this is great step in changing yourself for the better but don’t use your energy to hate/fight ur darkness. Change it, use it.
P.s. u could say fuck it and find you in a woman/ women that also has those tendencies and go freak wild, making a beautiful relationship that doesn’t make you feel like you’re a freak for such a strong libido.
There’s a big difference between reality and fantasy. Interesting fact, a study was conducted regarding sex offenders and their fantasies. Turns out they are generally boring and simple. If you keep it in your head I don’t really see a problem. Your sex drive is high though. You might have a hormone imbalance or something. Might be worth doing some research as to how you can deal with it.
There are medications that can help. If you can afford a hooker you can afford a therapist and meds. Go get them. Stop making excuses.
Op look up ocd.
You know, it might be surprising but the way the thoughts appear might be a symptom of OCD! Speak with your psychiatrist about it, they actually have medications that can help along with different types of therapy to help re-wire the brain! The thing that stood out was how it’s not really something you can necessarily fight, and how it’s like a compulsion.
So, I would say go get checked for OCD, and see what you and the doctors can do to assist it! It doesn’t sound like it’s making life easy to live at all, and the point that it’s affecting life is oftentimes when people end up finding out they have it.
Idk bro I would go on some kink sites or something and find a woman that is more horny than you… trust me, they’re out here.
She will make you look like a Boy Scout when she’s finished with you.
Let’s start with the physical and be honest with your physician. If there’s nothing going on hormonally, then honestly I would see a psychiatrist, because this is something that can be easily treated through therapy or maybe some medication. It’s clearly having a very powerful and detrimental effect on you.So I think I wouldn’t wait.
I think you’re being really hard on yourself. You’ve never acted out harming anyone, right? You’re not a monster. You’re someone who is doing their best and clearly struggling. A therapist is a great idea. A progressive sex positive therapist is best. There are sex therapists that can help. Did you experience trauma in your life? Sexual trauma? Abuse? Those things can create these issues. Do you feel like you’re a sex addict?
I’m a female. I had a psychologically abusive Dad, a sexually/ emotionally abusive first bf from 16-18, and another psychically/ mentally abusive bf in my 20’s. I have been celibate for 14 years now but I have a very high sex drive. I used to “self pleasure” a lot and it felt out of control. And unfortunately like you my fantasies get dark. I’m just the opposite and want to be dominated. I hate that I can’t fantasize about being treated well or about being with someone healthy. I know it can be a mind fuck and it can be so exhausting. I have an addictive personality in general.
I get why I’m like this but it doesn’t make it easier. I’m in therapy with a great therapist but she’s a bit conservative so I’m on the look out for a sex therapist.
I really think that as hard as it is you have to try to relax a bit and not beat yourself about it. That only fuels it more. It’s a kind of sexual ocd, stress doesn’t help. I think therapy, sex therapy, addiction therapy, etc can be really helpful. It can get better.
You’re a sadist