I’ve(28F) been talking to a guy(31M) through an arranged setup for about 15 days now. We’ve had long calls almost every day (2–3 hours) and met 3 times. He’s very caring, respectful, and genuinely seems to like me a lot — he even says he’s already quite attached and strongly cares for me. But I’ve noticed some things that make me unsure. He feels a bit childish/immature for his age, and he tends to think with his heart rather than logically. For example, when I was leaving, he insisted multiple times (“please please please”) that we go for a walk and that he’d drop me off, even though he lives on the opposite side — it came across as clingy instead of thoughtful.
Another example: I asked him a hypothetical — what if I had a conflict with his parents? At first he brushed it off saying it’s “impossible” to have a conflict with them, and when I pressed, his answers didn’t feel mature or convincing, though eventually he gave a decent response. But throughout he started to use like “tera, tereko” which felt odd, usually he uses tum or aap.
For context: I had a toxic family environment growing up, which has made me more logical than emotional. I rarely get carried away by emotions (except maybe around PMS, which is normal), and I don’t act childish myself. In fact, because I’ve had to be strong and in control most of my life, I secretly hope that in a relationship I could relax and maybe even let myself be “childlike” sometimes, rather than taking on the parent/leader role again. That’s why I’m worried that his immaturity could put me in a “mother” position instead of an equal partnership.
He does have a good heart and no obvious red flags otherwise, but my fear is that this emotional intensity and immaturity might make him clingy in the future, unable to handle conflict well, or leave me exhausted. In the arranged marriage context, should this be considered a dealbreaker, or is this the kind of thing that evens out with time?
Our parents are already talking abt engagement and all.We are indians.
Comments
Sometimes even if a person seems nice and like they’re decent it’s not a good personality fit. And that’s ok. you may not be the people for each other. And it’s completely valid to decide against a match if you aren’t a good fit. The wrong fit could mean bringing out the worst in each other for the rest of your lives. Whenever you commit to should be a good match between energies. It should be someone who brings the best out in you and vice versa. Don’t let any external pressures make you rush that that decision. Finding someone compatible can take time and it should take time. Relationships are messy and complex and you need the right person to navigate the ups and downs with. If he’s childish, you will certainly be taking the more mature and responsible roll. Give yourself permission to not put yourself in that position. Don’t worry! You’ll find someone! And you’ll be so happy you waited until it was right 🙂
I think you should ask him about his past relationships and see how he feels about his ex. That can tell you a lot about whether he’s respectful or if he just pretends to be. Also, pay attention to how he treats people in everyday life—like auto drivers, restaurant staff, etc.—because that really shows a person’s true character.
Since it’s only been 15 days, it’s normal to still be figuring him out. You mentioned he seems to think more emotionally than logically—try putting him in some hypothetical situations (not related to you) and see his perspective. That way, you’ll know if he’s just being emotional with you, or if that’s how he generally processes things. Then, have an open talk with him and decide from there.
The purpose of these calls is determine whether you’re a good fit with each other, correct? It sounds like they’ve achieved that purpose by showing that you’re not.
Tell your parents that you don’t feel quite right about this man and ask to meet someone else. You deserve a spouse who gets along well with you — and so does he.