hi everyone, my partner proposed a year ago and we had a small, intimate ceremony a little over a month ago. we even filled out the marriage license, but haven’t turned it in yet because he’s hesitant about “involving the government.”
for me, i felt that part of what makes marriage meaningful is the legal side — the idea of intertwining lives officially. he feels differently and doesn’t see the need for the government to be involved. when we were walking out with the marriage license from the court, he jokingly said, “wow, this changes so much,” which made me pause and realize we view this step differently. after that, i suggested holding off on turning it in, because i wanted it to feel like a mutual decision. he thought it was a good idea. last week he suggested i could turn it in myself, maybe to make me happy, but i don’t feel like doing that anymore since it doesn’t hold the same meaning for me anymore.
we also had a prenup set that removes most marriage benefits, which works for us, but it’s been interesting seeing how differently we approach this. he calls me his wife and everything, which i appreciate.
has anyone else been in a situation where a partner wanted the proposal but not the legal marriage?
Comments
Honestly, man, marriage ain’t just abt love & comittment, it’s a binding contract in the eyes of the law. You gotta think – if he’s shying away from makin’ it official, there’s prolly somethin’ deeper going on here. IMHO, it’s a red flag. You deserve a partner who’s all in, not just half way. All the best to ya!
This is still just a small window on your life but yeah there’s a flag.
I mean, given he proposed and did all the marriage (and married, calling you wife) things, I don’t really see a strong reason to doubt what he explicitly told you: he is hesitant about involving the government. Which may or may not be actually conditional on y’all turning in the marriage license application. Depending on the state, y’all may be fully and completely legally married right now.
So what is it about involving the government he is worried about? Ask him to tell you ,plainly and completely.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I’m sorry to tell you, you’re probably going to need to break up. He doesn’t actually want a full lifetime commitment and you do.
Meanwhile check out the “waiting to wed” subreddit and ask those folks, some of whom have grappled with this kind of problem for years.
And mainly check out Zawn Villines about topics like domestic labor inequality, marriage, the hanger of SAHM choices, and more. She’s on FB and Substack; well worth the small fee.
And ask yourself why anyone would willingly remove the fairness protections in a prenup. What exactly does this man want: the benefits of marriage without any of the responsibilities? What legalities exactly is he afraid of?
Shouldn’t that make you afraid as well? Because why would you enter something that makes you vulnerable and puts you at risk?