As title says,
For context my MIL has been coming to our house a few times a week while I’m at work to be with my 1 year old.
Twice already I’ll get home and hold my daughter and then shortly after she will either try to take her to play or hold her. Today I got home and 15 mins later she was asking me if she could hold her. My daughter would cry anytime she’d try to come near her and it got to the point where I said “I think she missed me and wants to spend this time together” and then she asked me AGAIN a few minutes later and I reiterated that I’d prefer to spend some time with her since I worked all day.
I’m just so annoyed lol is there a better way to convey my boundary?
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Don’t open the door. Don’t let her in the house. You’re tired from work and don’t have the energy to put up with MIL.
Code word for your husband so he’ll tell her to go away kindly. Go in the bedroom with your baby and relax after work.
Imagine, being a Grandma getting to spend ALL day with their grandbaby, and then asking for even more after the mother returns home as if the mother and baby do not need time together in the few hours before bedtime. How wildly selfish. She needs to gtfo immediately when you get home. Goodbye Felicia.
Hold your ground babe. I’m not a mum but I’m somehow feeling “mum mode” over this audacity.
Take LO into a different room and close and lock the door. If your husband let’s your MIL there, she is his guest. If you cut her off from intruding on the precious time you have with your own baby, she’ll hopefully get the message and stop coming.
A better boundary is not letting her be there when you are getting off from work. Tell husband he needs to have her gone before you get home or stop inviting her until it’s a good time for a visit. Why is she even there so much?
You need to start setting boundaries on when she can be at the house and she needs to ask if the time works for you BEFORE she comes over.
Obviously you want to spend quality time with your daughter when you get home from work so tell her she no longer comes over after whatever time you normally get home. And if she shows up, DO NOT open the door!
It’s time for her to go home when you arrive home from work. It’s also ok for you to take your LO and go into your room, lock door and have one on one time with baby. Clearly MIL’s grabbiness is stressing baby as well as you and her lack of impulse control is not for baby to tolerate or ‘understand’ when LO just wants Mommy!
“Hey, you’ve had plenty of time to play or hold her today and you’ll have time the next time you come over as well. Please give me time with my own child and give us space.”
It feels like she’s more concerned about how she feels and what she wants rather than recognizing this is time the actual parent is spending with their child.
If she keeps doing it then it’s probably time to stop the visits for awhile.
“MIL, you had her all afternoon and she obviously wants me right now and frankly I’d like some time with her, too.” And I mean, you’re home, she can leave now! Maybe start getting in the habit of shooing her out the door like, okay thanks for hanging out with her, see you Tuesday!
Your MIL needs to understand that just because she visits, it doesn’t mean she gets to interact one-on-one with your daughter.
How is your partner responding to this? I’m assuming they’re watching your child when your MIL visits. If that’s the case, you might ask them to intercede. They might prompt your MIL to leave or they could say something like this:
Mom, let baby and OP have their time together. They’ve been apart for a long while and it’s important that LO gets time with her parent.
If your partner isn’t willing to step up, you might consider saying this the next time your MIL asks:
MIL, I understand that you want time with LO but that’s not a priority for us. You don’t have to leave but please don’t ask again.
If this doesn’t work, you might try something much blunter like this:
MIL, I know it’s hard for you to visit and not hold LO so perhaps it’s time to head home. I’ll be holding and playing with her as much as I can tonight.
Your kid is crying for you. Your only job is to protect that bond, not MIL’s feelings.
“Thanks for your help today, I really appreciate it (if you do like this arrangement)…. I’m home now and I missed my baby so much, I’m going to hold her and play with her as much as I can while I have time. Thanks again, it looks like she had fun, mama’s gonna take over now so we don’t confuse this sweet kid”.
Say no
Tell her in the future that she’s welcome to visit while you’re at work. But that when you get home that’s your time so she needs to go.
Thanks MIL, but once I get home from work this is my time with MY child.
I’d also consider stopping her turning up a few times a week to once a week because it is coming off to me that she is trying to form a bond with your child right which is turning into a bit of a powerplay when you get home.
Thanks for your help MIL, I’ve got it from here and you may leave for the day.
Why is she there?
I’d
preferintend to spend some time with her since I worked all day.Say goodbye to MIL then just walk away with the baby and ignore her.
>MIL has been coming to our house a few times a week while I’m at work to be with my 1 year old.
Just for clarity, is she babysitting her while you’re at work all day or visiting your nanny while they’re watching her?
Your time with your baby is yours whenever you want. Especially when you’ve been away from her all day at work. Be so firm with your MIL tho and don’t let her take baby time away from you.
How about NO. It’s a complete sentence after all. You don’t have to explain to her that you literally just worked all day and want to spend some time with YOUR baby
This is your husband’s mother so he needs to deal with her. You should come home, get your baby, and go to your bedroom to change, whatever you want to do. Your husband can entertain, send her home, whatever. You shouldn’t put up with this for one second. It’s very rude. You’ve worked all day, you’re tired and clearly your baby wants you. Not your mother, not your problem. I’m so thankful all our family is in another state. Good luck and be strong!
Boundaries are what you will do when a limit is reached, not a request for her to change her behaviour.
If words aren’t working, it’s time for action.
Put baby in the pram and go for a walk. Literally leave. You’re then acting based on a limit being reached.
But it shouldn’t have to get to the point where you leave your own home. I get it.
Perhaps the reason words aren’t working is because you’re scared to hurt her feelings or of the resulting drama? Once you completely resolve to prioritise you and your baby, even if it disappoints others, the rest kind of just flows.
If your child gets upset when MIL approaches, what is she doing when you are not there? I would be worried about her being around your baby at all.
Don’t let her in the house to begin with. It’s your husband’s job to deal with her, not yours.
Is she breaking in?
Tell whoever lets her in, not to.
Learn to say no, sorry babe..
when you come home you relieve her of her duties, there’s no reason for her to be sticking around “thank you so much for your help big hug see you next time, let us know when you get home safe”
Thanks so much for your help today! I missed her so much, now it’s time for me and Lo to spend time together 🙂 she will see you ‘next day’ and walk away.
That’s not an unreasonable boundary at all. You’re the parent, she’s the grandparent.
You worded it perfectly. “She missed me and I want some time with her.” Clear and kind.
It sounds like she’s trying to treat visits like a handoff. That’s not how it works.
The fact that your baby cries when she reaches for her should’ve been a signal already.
Repeat after me “BITCH! Step off, or get stepped on. I’m so embarrassed for you right now! You had your turn, I get mine!” Then start throwing faeces to show dominance. You’re Mum and you run this shit round here! People only do to you what you allow.
You got this girl. I believe in you.
Now go show her what a bad day looks like. Game face ON! (Pats butt as you go out on the field. American coaches and their butt pats, I ask you!)
You don’t owe her “better wording.” Your boundary is valid.
Maybe shorten it to: “Not right now, she needs mom.” Repeat as needed.
“MIL I’m here now and eager to spend time with baby. Thank you for your visit. We will see you <next day she is welcome to come>”
If that does not work “MIL I have not seen baby all day. Please quit interfering with my time with her.”
“MIL if you can’t let me play with my baby after I have been away all day, perhaps you dont need to visit so much.”
Better yet, get yiur husband to tell his mother to go home and back off
She sees your daughter during the day, you see her after work. That balance matters.
Honestly, it feels a little possessive that she’s so quick to take the baby from you.
I’d start spacing out her visits if she can’t respect your time.
You’re doing great, trust your instincts. Boundaries now make things easier long-term.
Take your daughter and leave whatever room your MIL is in.
“Hey MIL, I love that you want to bond with the baby, but I’ve been gone all day. Can you give me some time with her first? Maybe we can schedule specific times for you to hang out with her?” Straightforward, no drama.
Honestly, you don’t need a “better way.” You already said no politely twice. If she keeps pushing, that’s on her, not you. Boundaries don’t have to come with a sugar-coating.
Cries when she comes near? Something wrong there
>I’m just so annoyed lol is there a better way to convey my boundary?
You’ve conveyed your preference, which she is ignoring. The wider boundary is that she should not try to overrule you as the parent.
> I reiterated that I’d prefer to spend some time with her since I worked all day.
By explaining your reasoning to your MIL, you are letting it be a conversation: you really want to convey that pestering you to give up your time with your child is not appropriate.
Keep it short and to the point: “MIL, I know you love being with my child, but this is my time now.”
If she can’t handle the transition from looking after your child all day to handing over the reins when you get home, what are you going to do about it?
I had to put a full ban on weekday visits with my inlaws for this very reason. That along with after a long day at work, trying get ready for the next day at work, the last thing I want to deal with is my fucking inlaws talking non stop jibberish and asking a million questions and winding my kids up. F that.
I remember coming home from work to my baby I’d not see all day, mil giving me 5 mins with baby then taking him off me and telling me to go make everyone dinner. She did this multiple times. Like do they really think this is going to fly with us? Spoiler – they’ve not visited our house on a work day in 4 years ♀️
Talk to your husband, have him tell her that once you are home from work it is now your alone time with your baby and she needs to be packed up and heading out within 10-15 minutes to let you bond with your daughter in private. This lingering and hogging LO after you’ve been away from your baby all day needs to stop.
tbh if she keeps pushing the boundaries youve already made clear to her more than once, she needs consequences for not respecting you.
sorry MIL, but since you can’t listen to what I say the first time I say it, you can’t visit until x amount of time after I’ve been home
and if it was me and she kept on after that? then it’d be no visits period for x amount of time
bc you’ve already been nice AND it’s a reasonable request! so if she keeps pushing(bc I feel she will continue to push if she thinks it has no consequences/gets her to have her way) then put her in time out! If toddlers and dogs can understand the word NO, then why can’t she?
‘I just got home from a long day at work and would like to spend time with my child. You have been here all day and have had ample opportunity to hold her. I should not need to explain my reasoning for wanting to spend time with my own child and this is the last time I will do so. When I come home, it is my time to bond with my child. That is not up for debate and I need you to respect that.’
I think shes at your home on weekdays because your husband likes the conveniance.
The new boundrie is MIL can only visit on weekend/,two weekends a month etc
Be prepared your husband wont like it and stand your ground
No is a sentence. Stop trying to justify yourself to her.
Tell her days when you work are not suitable for visits full stop.
A quick do you want to say goodbye to grandma as I’m home now and want to spend as much quality time with LO as possible, and start shuffling her towards the door. Or go upstairs and get toys or change her or even bathe with Lo!! Just start your routine as soon as you walk through the door!
“No, now I’m back at work I don’t get much time with her, so I will be holding on for the rest of the evening.”
“GET OUT” !!!!
“NO!” is perfectly fine.
“I’m the mother, leave me alone with my baby.”
Remember, the only power your useless MIL has over you is what you allow her to have. Put that monster back in its place.
Your MIL is watching your child and now you want a boundary? Hire a sitter.
When she asks, just cheerfully say, ‘Sorry, but nope! I have missed her so much all day and I am not letting go for a good long while. Time for Mommy snuggles!’
“You’ve had the baby all day, and now you want me to give her up to you? Isn’t that a little selfish? Didn’t they teach you how to take turns in school? Right now, it’s my turn.”
Boundaries are what you set in place for YOURSELF. Not other people.
Ask her to leave shortly after you returned from work. There’s no need she’s hanging out at your place once you’re back.
I personally would not feel comfortable letting my JN watch my children all day. Daycare it is. This costs a fortune but reduces my MILs prrcence drastically.
My MIL does this also, drives me nuts. They just need to assert some control and they’ll do it anyway they can.
Is MIL babysitting her?
Sounds like you need tog eat another babysitter