Honestly cannot even begin to start with all the shit we’ve put up with over the years, which got worse when I fell pregnant with my eldest 5years ago- she’s not been much of a grandmother to him to be honest.
The most recent issue for me is during Christmas last year she didn’t call to wish him merry Christmas or call on his 4th birthday a week later. Radio silence. All because she was pissed at her son and me.
I was also heavily pregnant last Christmas with baby no2 and she didn’t check in on me at all for months and only congratulated me by text in January of this year once I had baby no2. Since then she’s met my 7 month old twice and both times I was highly reluctant but I did it for the sake of trying to salvage the shit show of a relationship, purely for my DH and there had been a death in their family and felt bad for everyone …silly me.
When I actually confronted her about not seeing my eldest son for 6 months or contacting him on his birthday OR meeting her newborn grandson she came out with “the phone with both ways, you could call me.” Ok, he’s 4?! Why would he call you on his own birthday. Why would I trek across town in minus temperatures with a newborn whilst I’m still bleeding after birth just so you can meet your grandson. She’s insane.
Anyway, we all tried AGAIN for the millionth time to draw a line in the sand (yes I know im a doormat at this point). We went out for dinner, she met baby no2 and basically got her own way. She held him for all of 2 minutes before handing him back and she didn’t even hug my eldest.
Since then, her and my FIL have non stop attacked DH via text (her usual trick- see previous posts from years ago about what she’s like via text) basically saying we don’t care about them, we don’t make an effort, that they don’t feel like grandparents etc, the usual shite.
So DH has been ignoring her texts and calls- straight up ignoring her. He answered a call from his Dad last week who, lo and behold, blames ME For all of this. Says I’m poisoning him against his parents blah blah blah. They’re so far gone in their delulu ways they want to blame me (who has put up with this repeated abuse again and again.)
DH and FIL proceed to have explosive row and we’ve not heard from them since.
DH is at the point now where he doesn’t think it’s salvageable. It’s too far gone etc and it looks like NC is on the cards for him.
I’ve already told him that myself and the children will be NC with them and he’s agreed I’m within my rights and respects that decision.
I think it’s hard for him as he’s an only child and I think he’s still clinging to a shred of hope that his parents will change but it’s really clear they will not.
Is there anyone on here who have gone NC who found it extremely difficult to do so, as they were still clinging on to hope that it could change? If so, advice on how my DH can process this is very much welcome. He’s so hurt that his parents turned out this way and I know he wishes it were different but I think he now realizes it never will be any different.
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Other posts from /u/heartshapedbruises18:
God Speed to all dealing with their in laws/parents today, 2 years ago
MIL unwell- has taken upon herself to tell DH it’s cancer, 3 years ago
Awful MIL due round in 30 mins and I’m just not ready for it, 3 years ago
JNMIL is now saying I’m the reason she has anxiety, 3 years ago
Am I in the wrong for not wanting to accept MIL apology AGAIN, 4 years ago
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Oh honey, I am so sorry they’ve been so abusive to you, and ignored your children. That’s inexcusable. You tried, so so hard. They just want you to yourselves inside out for them and it still won’t be good enough for them. You will be doing all of your family a favour by cutting these people out of your lives.
Yes, it will be difficult initially. But what will you actually lose? Abuse? Your children being ignored? Horrible texts? You’re not losing much but you will all gain so much peace.
Make your own plans for Thanksgiving and Christmas now, so when they come crawling back the holidays are taken. It will be nice to create your own traditions, plus no travelling unless you want to!
Decide on your boundaries and hold them fast, OP. The payoff will be worth it.
I could have written this, MYJNMIL is the exact same! I was VVLC for years before recently going NC to JNMIL causing drama for my son’s birthday again (she also didn’t call on his birthday bc we didn’t allow her to invite people to an 8 year olds party!).
I can say for myself going totally NC came with such a relief. There is no pressure or expectation anymore. My DH slips between supporting me and that decision and thinking I’m over reacting. Maybe your DH would benefit from therapy?
I’ve dealt with my in-laws for almost 20 years, I promise they won’t change. If you’ve brought it up and they are the same, they simply don’t care. Which I know is difficult for people like us to understand.
Your MIL is obviously hurting you and has hurt/will hurt your children. I’d recommend NC. So sorry OP! This situation sucks but you’ve done what you can and you can’t change other people.
You’re not a doormat for giving them chances and wanting to make the relationship work. I spent a literal decade trying to form any kind of friendship with my MIL and I exhausted all of my options before going NC with my MIL.
My husband isn’t NC. He is VLC and it has taken me and LO being NC a year for him to begin losing hope. We did have to go to couples counseling after an incident on mothers day, but since the beginning of June, he’s been over his mom’s bs. She wants to access our child without putting any effort in for a healthier relationship with us parents… it’s so backwards to me that she damaged our relationship to the point of chasing us away and then expects us to WANT her around our child.
There are a ton of books and YouTube channels about dealing with dysfunctional families. I always recommend dr. Jerry Wise’s YouTube channel for setting boundaries and keeping non- reactive during confrontations. It might help your husband and even you.
Going NC isn’t easy, but sometimes it’s the only path to peace.
Well said, it’s like mourning a relationship that never truly existed.
Your DH is realizing the hard truth: love shouldn’t hurt this much.
The “phone goes both ways” excuse always makes me roll my eyes.
Ignoring birthdays and milestones speaks volumes.
Sounds like she wants the title of “grandmother” without the work.
FIL blaming you is just projection. They can’t face their own failures.
DH going NC isn’t weakness, it’s strength.
Grieving toxic parents is real grief. Therapy could really help him.
They see themselves as king and queen and the peasants (your family) must present yourself to them. Expecting a new mother to pack up herself, a newborn and a toddler so that the baby could be presented to the queen is ridiculous. And her two minute look over is insulting. If they want to see your family, they can make at least a minimum effort. You’re too busy raising your children.