Hi, I’ve never posted on reddit before but I definitely need some advice so yea
So there’s a lot of complicated backstory stuff but I’ll try to be as concise as possible. My Dad died when I was 19 (I am currently 23F) and ever since then my Mom (54F) has made TERRIBLE life and financial choices, most of them I did not know about until now.
It started with small stuff, first it was “can you pull some money out of your savings so I can help pay off your student loans?” sure, totally fair my family helped pay the majority of my college tuition with some help from my scholarship. Then it was to help with car payments/insurance, totally get it, that’s a huge monthly expense. Then it was “I just really need some help right now”, huh weird but alright and she told me she has a deposit coming in soon and she’ll pay me back whatever. I found out later that all these reasons were lies to cover up her mistake.
After my Dad died she’s been obsessed with being taken care of financially by a man. I can’t remember the last time she’s talked to me that wasn’t about her needing a ride to go out drinking to “find a rich boyfriend” every weekend or to asking for money. It’s like living with a teenager and I’m the parent that she doesn’t talk to unless she needs something.
Some family members sat me down last week and told me the truth, how she’s been borrowing money from a bunch of different people too and that I need to get out now because she probably doesn’t have next months rent. I found out that she drained every single bank account she had and GAVE all her money away to some dude she was dating online for “investing”. And trust me it was a lot of money, enough money to be set for life until social security checks started coming in if rationed even semi-correctly.
I’ve loaned her 27K in the last year WHILE paying monthly rent to live at home and I feel like an idiot. I’ve been home for just 1 year after college sometimes working 6-7 day work weeks to save money to move out and I have less cash than what I started with.
In that week, I started packing immediately, Speed-ran looking at apartments I can afford and luckily found the perfect one I can move into literally 3 days from now as of posting this! Super lucky and grateful for that!
But last night my Mom finally told me herself she can’t afford rent, asked me for money again, I said no, then jokingly she said she may have to move in with me in the new apartment for a while. I was just silent and I know if she asks me officially the answer is 100% no but I feel so guilty about it. She’s my Mom, I love her but I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I’ve lost both of my parents at 23 years old. AITA?
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Hi, I’ve never posted on reddit before but I definitely need some advice so yea
So there’s a lot of complicated backstory stuff but I’ll try to be as concise as possible. My Dad died when I was 19 (I am currently 23F) and ever since then my Mom (54F) has made TERRIBLE life and financial choices, most of them I did not know about until now.
It started with small stuff, first it was “can you pull some money out of your savings so I can help pay off your student loans?” sure, totally fair my family helped pay the majority of my college tuition with some help from my scholarship. Then it was to help with car payments/insurance, totally get it, that’s a huge monthly expense. Then it was “I just really need some help right now”, huh weird but alright and she told me she has a deposit coming in soon and she’ll pay me back whatever. I found out later that all these reasons were lies to cover up her mistake.
After my Dad died she’s been obsessed with being taken care of financially by a man. I can’t remember the last time she’s talked to me that wasn’t about her needing a ride to go out drinking to “find a rich boyfriend” every weekend or to asking for money. It’s like living with a teenager and I’m the parent that she doesn’t talk to unless she needs something.
Some family members sat me down last week and told me the truth, how she’s been borrowing money from a bunch of different people too and that I need to get out now because she probably doesn’t have next months rent. I found out that she drained every single bank account she had and GAVE all her money away to some dude she was dating online for “investing”. And trust me it was a lot of money, enough money to be set for life until social security checks started coming in if rationed even semi-correctly.
I’ve loaned her 27K in the last year WHILE paying monthly rent to live at home and I feel like an idiot. I’ve been home for just 1 year after college sometimes working 6-7 day work weeks to save money to move out and I have less cash than what I started with.
In that week, I started packing immediately, Speed-ran looking at apartments I can afford and luckily found the perfect one I can move into literally 3 days from now as of posting this! Super lucky and grateful for that!
But last night my Mom finally told me herself she can’t afford rent, asked me for money again, I said no, then jokingly she said she may have to move in with me in the new apartment for a while. I was just silent and I know if she asks me officially the answer is 100% no but I feel so guilty about it. She’s my Mom, I love her but I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I’ve lost both of my parents at 23 years old. AITA?
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> Am I the Asshole for not letting my Mom move in with me? Should I keep supporting her financially?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA it’s time for your mom to learn some hard truths about where she is in life.
Living on your couch is not the way.
I am sorry your mom is broken. She could seek help for her emotional problems, she could take steps to improve her prospects, and she could attempt to take responsibility for her life instead of using other. But: she hasn’t, she doesn’t, and she might not.
It’s neither your fault that she is in this situation nor is it your responsibility to prop her up any further. If you “help” her in the way she wants nothing will change – except your life will get shittier. NTA
NTA… You’re the kid, she’s the parent. Get out of that toxic environment, spread your wings, and live your own life! Good luck!
NTA
DO NOT enable your mom’s poor life choices. If you bail her out, she will never learn and it will never stop.
On top of that, the $27K you will never see again more than absolves you from any guilt.
NTA. Letting her move in means never escaping this cycle. You gave everything already. It’s okay to stop before you lose yourself completely
NTA. If your mom moves in with you, it won’t be for “a while”.
I just want to hug you. I had to take care of my parents. My father is an addict and my mother went numb with psych meds because she couldn’t handle him so she’s checked out almost 24/7. At 23 I became pregnant tho and I couldn’t provide financially for their home and mine, when I told them that they just stopped talking to me. It broke me. Be prepared that if you tell her no, she will use silence as a way to punish you. She is probably spiraling between your father’s passing and her losing all of that money. Please know it is NOT your job to parent her. It is ok to set boundaries. It will be hard at first but it gets easier. You are enabling her if you keep doing this or allowing her to move in. Once she moves in getting her out will be a billion times harder. Unfortunately she needs to hit bottom before she can stop spiraling. Therapy was my saving grace. Please reach out to talk to someone. It might take time to find the right person but it is important to have someone who is unbiased to talk to right now. Big hugs. And you are definitely NTAH
Do not let her move in with you and lock down your credit because she absolutely will destroy your credit borrowing money she cannot repay
Not the asshole
NTA. Girl, you already been her bank, her Uber, and her emotional crutch, you do NOT need to let her come wreck your fresh start too. She burned through 27k, lied, drained accounts, and is basically actin’ like a reckless teenager. You’re finally getting your own spot, don’t let her move in and turn it into round 2 of the same chaos. It’s sad, but you gotta protect your peace and your future. Love her from a distance, set boundaries, and don’t fold just ‘cause she’s your mom.
NTA – You shouldn’t have to pay for your mom’s life choices, but at 54 she’s nearly unemployable unless she has a stellar work history and a degree otherwise her options are retail or hospitality which are both low paying. If you take her in she won’t be motivated to help herself and you’ll be stuck taking care of her the rest of her life. At the very least she could go to social services and see if they can help her. I’m sure she’d be eligible for low income housing. Surely she can apply for her dead husband’s social security benefits?
“jokingly she said she may have to move in with me in the new apartment for a while.”
—She wasn’t joking and “for a while” is until you move out or she is evicted. She will drag you down. Don’t let her in. She will never launch until she has to. You have become the de facto parent to your parent. You have to live your life though because you are not her parent.
NTA. I have been in a very similar situation to you. You cannot help your parents unless they want to help themselves, and your mother does not sound like she genuinely wants to be ‘helped.’ You’ve been giving her money and she’s just been coasting by while digging herself into a deeper hole, to the detriment of not only herself but to you as well. Allowing her to move in with you in your new apartment will only perpetuate the cycle.
She needs to be held accountable for her actions, which should include getting a job (which you haven’t mentioned her having) and finding her own place to live–which might need to be a homeless shelter for the time being. She was in a good situation financially, and her own poor choices have led her to where she is today.
It can be hard turning away your parents in their time of need, but it sounds like her ‘time of need’ has been going on for years, and you are not her parent. Trying to take care of her when she is capable of taking care of herself, but won’t, will only lead to undue stress on your shoulders.
NTAH!
Your mom is messed up. Don’t allow her to take you down with her. And don’t expect to get your money back.