So I (28M) live with my wife (27F) and our newborn baby. We just bought our first house last year after saving like crazy, and it’s honestly been stressful but exciting. My mom (50s) recently lost her house because she fell behind on the mortgage. She called me crying and asked if she could move in with us “just for a while until she gets back on her feet.”
The thing is… my mom has always been difficult. Growing up, she was very controlling, and when I moved out at 18, we barely talked for years because she hated that I chose my wife over her. Now suddenly she wants to come live with us, but I know exactly how that’s going to go: she’ll criticize my wife’s cooking, try to tell us how to parent our baby, and probably never leave once she’s comfortable.
I told her no, that she could stay with my brother for a while or maybe find a roommate situation. She blew up at me and said I’m abandoning her when she’s at her lowest, that I’m “choosing my wife again” like I always do, and that she raised me so I owe her. She even guilt-tripped me in front of other family members, and now they’re all calling me heartless.
From my perspective, I’m just trying to protect my wife and our baby from unnecessary stress. But part of me feels awful because she’s my mom and she doesn’t really have anywhere else to go. My wife is 100% against it, though, and I honestly don’t blame her. Still, I can’t stop wondering if I’m being too cold.
Comments
NTAH – all your mom had to do was 1) be nice to your wife or 2) pay her bills. You are not heartless. You ARE choosing your child and wife (your family) over your irresponsible yet controlling mother.
You are not being cold because you don’t want to invite your awful mother into your home. All she had to do was be nice to someone important to her son.
As you said, she does have options. If she moved in she might never want to leave and her presence would likely have an extremely negative impact on your family and your marriage. NTA.
You are right to choose your wife and child over your mum … They are your future
She is not compatible with you and your family. THEY can take her in. NTA and you don’t owe her.
Sounds like you love and respect your wife and would like to continue to stay happily married. NTA.
NTA if she checks in to your hotel, she will never leave
I think those family members just volunteered to host your mom…problem solved! Yay! 😆
You are a good husband. Stand firm.
NTA. You know what life would look like with her there and you’re not an AH for not wanting that. You’re a good man for prioritizing the comfort and welfare of your wife and child.
It doesn’t matter if you’re being “cold”. Someone moving into your home is a two yes/one no scenario. Your wife is, as you say, 100% against it so it’s literally not an option/
Tell your mom’s flying monkeys that they are welcome to take her in.
WHY did she stop making her mortgage payments? That’s the real question here.
NTA and look at all those family members who just offered to house her./s. Protect your wife and child.
NTA. Her reaction tells you everything you need to know. As a rule, if someone becomes aggressive or manipulative after hearing a no, you were right to say that no.
Letting her move in isn’t ‘temporary,’ it’s basically a season premiere of Everybody Loves Mom Except rge wife.
My honest opinion, it’s not heartless to protect your wife and baby. Your mom already had her chance to build her home. This is your home now. Your family.
Offer her some financial support.
NTAH. You don’t owe your mother anything. Live your life and enjoy your family.
NTAH. You offered your mom some good options. Based on what you said, she is very manipulative. Nobody needs that in their home.
When you marry, you leave your family and become one with your spouse. That’s the way it’s supposed to be. That’s the way God said it should be. I’m not religious, but that’s what the Bible says.
Anyhow, your manipulative and controlling mother can solve her own problem. She’s only in an early ’50s and has a lot of life to live. She better figure it out and grow up. She needs to learn to handle her finances. If she can’t pay her bills she needs to get a second job.
You are not being cold or unappreciative or anything else. You are setting a boundary and sticking to it. It’s what’s best for you, your wife, and your child.
The relatives that say you’re wrong should offer to take her in. And you should tell them that. If they continue to hound you, go low or no contact with them for a while.
And please don’t waste your time feeling guilty. Clearly your mother has been manipulating and controlling you all your life and you have set up self protective boundaries. That’s a very good thing. When she tries to guilt you, just tell her to stop being manipulative and trying to control you. You’re an adult and she’s an adult. Just tell her to go live her life and quit trying to control yours. Good luck.
NTA – You need to pick your wife/sanity. For perspective – I have 2 grown sons that I raised as a single mom. They owe me nothing other than living a happy and productive life.
Your wife and child come first. If you can help mom get a room somewhere. Like roommate not hotel that would be nice. If not oh well. Mom had an older mortgage lower interest. Idiot to lose that. Family that’s judging can open their homes
This is why you shouldn’t burn all your bridges. Never know when life will deal you a bad hand, you lose your job, can’t pay your bills, become homeless, and need help. When you can’t be a decent human being, people aren’t going to help you.
NTA. You’re not abandoning your mom, you’re protecting your wife and newborn from a known source of stress. Your mom has a history of being controlling and critical, and inviting her to live with you would likely create chaos, not help. Your mom doesn’t get veto power over your family’s sanity.
Offering alternatives shows you’re not heartless, just not willing to relive the drama of your childhood. Boundaries aren’t cold, they’re necessary.
This is in home child care and you are complaining. Sounds kinda fake story to me.
NTA, she raised you so you “owe” her but you moved out at 18? Nope, you owe her nothing. If she doesn’t shut up, go No Contact, this woman is a narcissist. And an adult. She can figure out her own problems. Keep choosing your wife, and now your child.
Do not do it because you were right when she gets comfortable she’s not leaving. And your wife will be handing you divorce papers. Your life will never be the same choose wisely.
NTA- your mother proved your suspicions of how things would go if she moved in. Your wife should come first when it comes to the home you share with her.
Nope. Nope. Nope. Keep supporting your wife and baby. You don’t owe your mom anything and tell those family members that you’ll tell your mom that they’re offering their places for her to stay. Not your job.
She’ll destroy the peace and happiness of your home. Don’t do it. She’s still ranting that you chose your wife over her…this will be her intention, to try to force you to choose her over your wife finally. Do not do it.
You have a brother that can take her? Then that’s exactly the road to take, hopefully brother is willing. She can cook for him and do his laundry. NTA.
Kids don’t owe their parents for raising them. It was their choice to have a kid and the responsibilities that go along with it.
NTA!!! Stick to your guns and your principles!!!
Nta just know she cares more about hating your wife than staying with you.
You’re not heartless protecting your family’s peace comes first. You can still support your mom in other ways without moving her in.
NTA. She chose to have you and was legally obligated to raise you. You owe her NOTHING for that. Stick to your guns and don’t do it. Let her throw her little temper tantrum. Keep the peace in your home.
NTA:
I don’t know how it happened but despite your mom’s best efforts you turned into a strong, confident man who has his wife’s back and loves his family!
That old saying “blood is thicker than water”…… NO! NO IT’S NOT! I’m closer to a the most wonderful lady in my town who’s more a mom to me then my own mother. You don’t owe her ANYTHING. If the roles were reversed what would she do/say about your family living with her? What strings are attached?
Keep your family & mental health safe and keep your boundaries with your birth giver.
If protecting your sanity is heartless, then continue to be heartless. Don’t do it. You’re already regretting it. She’s not even living with you. And for those who give you crap over it, let them take her in.
Your mother is manipulating this. First a wife and now a newborn replacing her. She is very jealous of your family. Tell her your family is just trying to get on your feet with having a new baby your hands are full. She will find something else.
You already know the answer. A hard no yo living with you
Nta. Your wife and child need to come first. Let those complaining about you take her in .
Financially support her if you have to, but don’t let her stay with you. Let her live with your brother.
Your wife and child come first now. You are simply protecting them, as is your right. Even if it’s from toxic family members.
There was a Reddit post about a weak willed man who refused to stop his mother being horrible to his wife. Then, when his mother poked his wife in her post partum belly after having berated his wife, his wife punched his mother.
He threw everyone out, INCLUDING HIS WIFE AND NEWBORN CHILD. He just wanted space from all of it. He hadn’t wanted to take sides, so he threw them all out. He threw his wife and baby out of their own home.
He’s now divorced and sees his child sometimes.
NTA. Parents are supposed to help their kids, not vice versa.
NTA, given this “… that I’m “choosing my wife again” like I always do …” she obviously hasnt changed and you need to protect your wife and child.
You are protecting your family and your peace. Nothing wrong with that. You weren’t being disrespectful, you’re being honest. So continue to protect your family and your peace. Especially since she has other options.
Not your fault the options don’t make her feel good. At the end of the day, it’s her lack of making good decisions that led to this. Getting behind on your mortgage to the point you lose your house is a series of events not a “I didn’t know this was happening” type of deal.
She had time to make different decisions
DO NOT DO IT. I’M LITERALLY PRACTICALLY GOING THROUGH THIS WITH AN ALCOHOLIC MOTHER WHO IS LITERALLY THE MOST RIDICULOUS BOOMER EVER.
The unnecessary comments, the critique of literally everything. The need to literally control every goddamn thing. To the point where you could be washing your hands for 45 seconds and she’s wondering why the water is running. Like why the fuck do you think?
Don’t let your old family ruin your new family. Your new family should always come first. The amount of stress in arguing inviting that comes with it is not worth it. And the children should absolutely not see it. The only thing they should see when it comes to arguing is you and your wife having a disagreement and making up afterwards.. a disagreement. Not a fight. Just throw that out there lol
Nta tell her and others that you don’t have the space to house her and that you suggested to her some reasonable options and that they can house her instead
And this is Mr Smith the head of the homeless shelter where you will be staying.
Mom here, just not your mom. You don’t owe her anything. She made the decision to bring you into this world, and she knew the commitment that came with her decision. Guilt tripping you is abhorrent, and the family members who are calling you heartless can take her in. Protect your peace.
Why didn’t she rent out rooms of her house so she could pay the mortgage?
Why not sell and downsize to something she could afford?
If she moves in she’s never leaving – but your wife will leave you if she does.
If things are too stressed nkw with the new baby, it makes perfect sense for her to get help first from the rest of the family. You are not the AH. Offer to give some money for the support of your mom to whichever relative chooses to temporarily take her in. Tell them the monetary assistance will only be for a short period, say 6 months, because again, you are a new parent, and babies are not cheap. Knowing the money will stop after a while will prompt the relative to make it clear to mom that she has to find an apartment of her own asap.