Hi everyone, I (32F) want to know what you’d all do in this situation. My friend (33F) is getting married next summer. A couple months ago, she announced in our friend group chat when her wedding date was. It had slipped my mind at some point because last week I had bought plane tickets and a hotel to Italy with my family. I didn’t realize my mistake until I received the save the date only days later and it’s in the middle of the trip.
A thing to add is I’m just a guest, I’m not in the wedding as a bridesmaid. We’ve known each other since high school, however we’ve only ever hung out within the friend group and group chats. Not to say I don’t adore her, but we’ve just never hung out the two of us or even texted each other one on one. Not to say this is to justify whether or not I should be there for her.
I told another friend that I’m closer to (33F) – a bridesmaid- about my double booking and she’s telling I need to reschedule or cancel my trip. This is the only week my family could do so it would involve me losing my flight (can’t get that refunded) and still paying my portion of the hotel that I agreed on. I’d be losing up to $1600. We talked to her maid of honor (34F) and she’s also saying I shouldn’t go on the trip.
I’d love to hear what you all have to say. Should I eat my mistake and lose that money or tell the bride I will be unable to attend the wedding?
Comments
NTA but you need to decide what this relationship means to you. Do you see it or want it to continue? Because this could kill it. But it doesn’t sound like you are invested in it. But good chance missing it will kill it.
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Sent a gift and well wishes and go on your vacation
Sounds like you aren’t that close. You’re stirring up additional drama by talking to others in the wedding party. Just say “I’m so sorry, my family planned a vacation that week so I can’t attend your wedding.”
I don’t agree that this would kill your friendship if you play it the right way. Be honest with the bride, attend the shower and other things leading up to it if you’re invited, send a wedding gift.
NTA It’s an invitation, not a summons. Send a gift.
Go to your family trip because that’s obviously what you want to do. But your mistake was easily avoidable and for that you’re not a very good friend… YTA
Another question asked daily … why
NTAH. When the formal invitations go out send a formal reply thanking her for the very kind invitation and expressing your regret that you will be unable to attend. Do not mention that you will be vacationing.
You got an invitation to a friend‘s wedding. You did not receive a summons to the Royal ball.
That’s the whole thing about an invitation, you can choose whether or not you want to or are able to go.
If you choose to go to the wedding, LMK. I’ll use your airfare and go to Italy with your family. I’ve always wanted to go.
You haven’t even gotten an invitation, just the general chat message to save the date?
Go on your trip.
When you get the invitation, decline and send a gift and a card with your regrets.
NTA
You are not in the wedding party so send fulsome apologies for your mistake and a wedding present. Go on holiday.
It’s a commitment you knew you had coming up date included. You can still go to the trip if you want but be aware of what it would mean for you and the circle around you. Your close friends know you and you should take their advice since you asked them
If you wanted to go guilt free you made the mistake of telling people so now if you don’t go to the wedding it’s going to be know why and where you actually are
Next time keep it hush and away from social media also
ESH. You need to manage your calendar better, they need to not put so much pressure on you if you are not close with the bride
Did she even mail invitations yet? If she did and you rsvp’d yes that’d be wrong, but if she hasn’t then go on the trip and mail a gift.
You were not a part of the wedding party to begin with. You already have the answer. You adore her, yet rarely see her, or when communication happens it is in group chats. She sounds like a periodic friend. People don’t cancel family trips to Italy for a once a year chatting friend. Send a wedding gift. Problem solved. The end.
YTA to pretending you’re friends with this lady. You have your answer already and your answer is that you don’t really care about her wedding anyway. Just drop the friendship and go on your trip.
I would say even if you aren’t that close , reach out and profusely apologize for not being able to attend (don’t wait for the actual invite like some are saying). You already told two other friends so good chance Bride already knows and they’re all shit talking you. If you want to stay friendly with this bride and not risk further drama with the friend group, just explain it’s a family trip your parents planned and you can’t get out of. Blah blah blah how important this trip is to your parents/family. Don’t make it seem like it’s a choice. That is, if you care about these relationships with these girls. I’d get ahead of it now.
You won’t be the first friend to miss another friends’s wedding. The two people you spoke to already are being ridiculous.
It sounds like you’ve already made the decision, you’re just feeling guilty about it.
Tell those people pretending to be friends that you are ALREADY set for another trip that was planned before her date was set. NTA
No guilt Trips allowed. Besides who gets mad at someone for going to Italy? Unless the bully bridesmaid wants to reimburse you for family trip lasting a few days, she can shut it . Tell her I’m sure the picture will be Great 😃! And it’s a one day party.
Go to Italy.
What will lose the friendship is waiting until the last second and the bride needing to hound “friends” to see if they can make it after not being able to figure out travel plans. Just tell her you can’t make it, send a gift and find a way to celebrate with her afterward. And stop talking to the wedding party. That’s weird.
NTA, but you’re not a great friend either.
Of course you should go on your trip. Pick out a nice wedding gift and send your regrets.
NTA. The wedding of a casual friend vs. what sounds like a special family vacation. I’m curious how this “friend” group usually treats you?
Send a gift and go to Italy
Girl you better go on the damn trip. Get a gift and apologize for not being able to make it.
I would not say anymore about it if possible and when you get the invite just decline. Send her gift with a heartfelt congratulations sorry I couldn’t be there. I cant wait to hear all about your big day. Go on your family trip!
If you were a bridesmaid I would say reschedule. Since you’re only a guest you should go on your trip and see your family.
I’m torn between ESH and NAH. You’re not obligated to go to a friend’s wedding. Or any wedding really. Simply decline the RSVP when you get it and move on. No one should be making you feel bad. People miss weddings for all sorts of things, everyone can decide their own priorities. Which you did, even if you didn’t realize it. You just decided this wasn’t a high enough priority to write down in a calendar or remember, so you double booked. If you feel bad, that’s on you, and get a better calendar system. If you don’t feel bad, own your decision, and enjoy Italy.
Send a gift and well wishes, go on your vacation with family. Y’all aren’t that close and I doubt your absence will ruin her big day. You are not part of the wedding party so you will maybe get a couple minutes with the bride, if that. You’re fine. Your friends are being biased.
If you were close to this friend it would be one thing, but she’s more in the friendly acquaintance bin, it seems to me. Given the constraints on when your family can take this vacation and the financial hit, I’d send a gift and well wishes and go on the trip. A wedding invitation is not a summons to court.
NTA but the “friends” who are pushing you to sacrifice the money and ditch your family for this one day event are edging toward that territory..
NTA- you aren’t IN the wedding, you don’t have a part to play- you are a guest. It’s up to you if you let her know now- so she can use your spot to invite someone on the list further down or let her know when the invite comes. I’m pretty sure the wedding will still happen whether or not you are there. Life happens. The only people I’m rescheduling anything around are immediate family & even then- depends on the situation.
This isn’t going to affect just you and the bride, it’ll put you on the outside of the whole friend group.
Let the bride know as soon as possible that you already have other plans and that you are SO sorry that you will miss the wedding. Then have a great time on your trip!
Echoing others, send a gift and wish her well.
NTA I don’t know what your situation is, but in my case, a family trip to Italy would be a once in a lifetime thing and I wouldn’t miss it just to be a guest at a wedding. I would say keep the trip and miss the wedding. If the bride is mad about that she wasn’t really your friend anyway
NTAH, you are not mandated to go to the wedding. Send a card &/or gift
Nope. You’re not that close and you’re booked already. Just decline and send a gift. If she was so adamant about having you there she should have cleared the date with you.
Tell her you’ll go to her next wedding. And send a gift.
Why even tell anybody?!? And I would never have the audacity to tell someone to cancel their trip. I’ve been to Italy and it was an awesome trip. I would go again. When you get the invite send your regrets. If the bride gets mad, or any of your “friend group”, then they aren’t really your friends.
Well your first mistake was sharing your error with the wedding party. You should have just RSVP’d no and left it at that. It’s no one’s business why you can’t go. Go on your trip, send a gift and move on.
Go on your trip and send your regrets with a nice gift.
You dont owe anyone a reason why.
Send a gift with regrets as you have a family obligation OR prior commitment you must attend with your family. Family is first and that’s a fact 😊
There was no “accidentally”. You booked your family trip before you got the save-the-date message. You did not screw up. And even if you did get the bride’s message first, there is nothing wrong with vacationing with your family on the only week you can all go.
NTA but stop talking to the friends about it. It’s just creating drama. There is nothing wrong with RSVP-ing your ‘no’ to the couple and sending a gift. You can let the bride know how much you are happy for her. The older you get the more you all will discover that life happens and it’s nothing personal.
Send a nice gift and a card.
Stop talking to the wedding party about it.
Of course THEY are invested, literally probably hundreds of dollars.
There advice is biased.
Have fun in Italy!
Stop stirring the pot. You’re not part of the bridal party. Unfortunately you shouldnt have said anything and when you get the invite formally, decline the rsvp and send a gift. You telling people in the bridal party was your mistake. Go on that trip to Italy and whatever fallout happens, life moves on. Next time silence is your best option
NTA
Apologize for the oversight.
Enjoy your trip.
NTA. A save the date is not and should not be treated as the invitation. It’s kinda if a new thing, to tell people the date before the invitation it’s a year away, so when the official invitation comes
RSVP that you are not coming. When the wedding is closer, get a gift send it over with a beautiful wedding card and note. (Traditionally it’s send to the brides parents house, but that’s when women use to stay home until marriage, if there is an address to mail it to follow that, otherwise just send it to her normal address) It’s an invitation, not a summons. 🙂
This wedding won’t collapse because you didn’t show up. Honestly had you said nothing would she have noticed with her being so busy on her wedding day?
Apologize, send a nice gift and enjoy your family. If she doesn’t understand are you really loosing a close friend?
You don’t hang out. You don’t share life stuff, etc. But you’re being told to show up? Nta. Send a gift and go on the trip with your family.
1600 or a friend? You choose. Sounds like you have.
VACATION girl!! You are not so close a friend as to have been in the inner circle of bridesmaids, so that means you are just a guest. Who happens to have a fantastic opportunity awaiting that conflicts with your friend’s wedding. Send her a nice gift and enjoy Italy!!
YTA for not putting the date on your calendar, so you could take it into account when you were planning. It clearly sends a message that you don’t think your friend and her life-event are important enough to bookmark the date.
But now that the family vacation has been booked, you would also be TA for cancelling that too.
Subject to distance, it may be worth to look into cheaps tickets for a daytrip back home to attend the wedding during your vacation.
NTA. You had this trip booked long before she announced the date. You don’t really have a role in the wedding. I say go on the trip with your family and enjoy the time! Send her a gift and congratulate her. You’ve done nothing wrong. But I think you should be honest with her.
Telling those friends was not to move. Etiquette is to rsvp no and still send a gift.
You are justified in going. A verbal on a wedding date is not binding, and not always easy to remember. However, expect that you will probably drift away from that friend group if you don’t go to the wedding.
You are sort of the AH but it was an honest mistake. You just need to send a nice gift and a card and an apology but still go on your trip. If she isn’t insane, she will be disappointed but she will understand. No matter what or who, your family comes first.
ESH. Just RSVP that you cannot attend and send a gift. Something “accidently slipping your mind” doesn’t mean you aren’t an asshole. Just do better when scheduling next time.
I mean, you’re at fault for not putting the wedding on your calendar and then double booking, but this isn’t the wedding of someone you’re especially close to, so I don’t think your actions make you an AH. It was not a good idea to ask her bridesmaids, AKA people who are actively working to make this woman’s wedding dreams come true, but just RSVP no, send a nice gift, and enjoy your vacation. This is a good reminder that brains can only hold so much information and calendars exist for a reason.
NTA- Your family can only go at that time. Of course your other friend is more invested in this wedding, she’s a bridesmaid. I don’t see why you should miss out on the trip of a lifetime to attend the wedding of a friend who isn’t super-close. Send her a nice gift with your well wishes and go on your trip.
It would be different if you already RSVP’d. But since you hadn’t and you’re not part of the wedding party, I think it’s fine to send your condolences and keep your trip as-is. If you tell the bride personally she can tell you if she has a problem with it and you can make decision (but you’ve got to make it soon)
Go to Italy and eat alllll the carbs 🤩Send a lovely gift with a heartfelt message on a nice card, boom.
Putting the date in a group chat isn’t exactly a set in stone date like an actual invite would be. Go on the trip with your family and don’t look back
Your trip to Italy with your family is paid for. It was an honest mistake. You aren’t in the bridal party and you haven’t sent a response yet. Send apologies and maybe bring them back a nice wedding gift from Italy.
She sounds more like an acquaintance than a friend. RSVP ‘no’ but send a gift. Go on your vacation. I’m sorry but attending a not so close friend’s wedding is not worth losing $1600.
You clearly don’t value that friendship. Just know you won’t be friends anymore after the trip. It’s a choice!
Go on the trip! I don’t know why you chose to even share the double booking with anyone outside your family because it only opens up more chatter but whatev. Go on the trip with your family. No question.
You’re not even close. Your absence will not be noticed.
You’ve got some big Main Character Energy for thinking this might be a big deal and blabbing about it like anyone cares if you don’t come.
Send a gift. Shut your talker.
Bring the bride back a nice blouse from Italy.
Or scarf if you live in a colder place.
Unless you’re in the wedding who cares. Live your life.
NAH.
I understand feeling bad about not going to a friend’s wedding, but it happens.
Doesn’t mean they won’t be upset, but it is what it is. I have a friend who got married out of town on a Sunday. I was new at a job, and the only people I really knew were in the wedding. So I opted not to go. I felt a bit bad, but not terrible. That said, my buddy didn’t really care, but his wife seems to have not really let it go. She’ll still make comments here and there. But it was the best thing for me.
NTA. Skip the wedding and send a gift. You’re not close with the bride, the people you are asking are. Of course they’re saying you need to skip the trip, that is what they’d do. Family comes first and you’ve made nonrefundable payments.
NTA. Just send a nice gift a cash gift. She would appreciate it. and rsvp early that youre not going
Your friend is jealous and want to put u in bad sheets wirh the bride. Send a gift before wed and one when u are back from
Europe. Send a video on her wedding morning and call it a day.
Do NOT cancel your trip. Send regrets and enjoy your vacation with your family.
You’re not the a** But you’re not not the a**. I’m not going to agree with everybody else. Wedding’s are stressful The amount of money that goes into it at the time. Of course it feels like straight disrespect. You don’t owe her anything, but don’t expect a friendship after either. On top of that, she must think you’re better friends than you think you are because I wouldn’t send anybody other than my close friends the date before my save the day were sent out.
Buy her a gift from her registry and go on your trip.
NTAH. I know everyone is different, but I’m currently planning my wedding, and am fully aware that people might not be able to make it. I started sending Save the Dates out as soon as we booked our venue, because I’m fully aware that people have lives, and that, while they would happily pencil us into their schedules and attend our wedding if possible, those lives don’t revolve around me.
There were a few weddings that I couldn’t attend when I was younger, because I was too broke to travel across the country. No one (as far as I know?) held that against me, and all of them have expressed excitement upon receiving my save the dates. However, I’m now getting married in my late 30s. People have jobs, and kids, and older parents, and etc. Life is life, and so it goes.
In terms of when to let the bride know, I think you should do it sooner rather than later, especially if you’ve already told friends – more so since those friends are closer to the bride, and have expressed disappointment, because they might relay the news with additional emotional connotations that are inaccurate with the actual situation.
Plus, knowing that someone definitely can’t make it lets the bride plan more accurately.
I’ve been frequenting the wedding subreddits recently, and know that I’m not the only one who keeps getting sucker punched by the “wedding tax”. This shit is expensive. People seem to get the most upset when people either cancel the day before, or RSVP “yes,” and then don’t show and don’t ever let anyone know.
I have a lot of people that I know through work that I love, and would love to invite, but we’ve been getting quoted prices of $50-$75 per plate, $5-$8 per beer, and anywhere between $12-24 per mixed drink (our venue requires alcohol be served by a company with a liquor license who provides the alcohol), plus hourly wages for the bartender. THAT’S INSANE. On the low end, assuming two drinks a piece for 150 people, we’re looking at around $68/person, or $10,000 just for food and Bev.
Knowing certain people definitely cannot make it, would mean that I can invite other people that I just couldn’t financially justify otherwise (which is killing me to have to think about. Lame.).
So, yeah. Take your trip! Have fun! Tell her you’re honored to be invited, and thank you so much, and ask for the link to her registry (and/or ask her if there’s anything she’d like from Italy!), and don’t sweat it.
It’s an invitation not a summons. Go to Italy and send a gift from their registry. The bride won’t even notice a missing guest in a sea of people
The girls offering advice have a greater investment (emotionally, financially,etc) in this wedding than you do, so their opinions aren’t the least bit objective. You, on the other hand, are not in this wedding party or a ‘core’ friend who has a significant relationship with the bride. Set yourself free from all this angst. Life is short and you have family memories to make. Take the trip!
Based on your relationship description I probably wouldn’t go to her wedding anyway. Go to Italy.
Considering its not a close friend and your not in the wedding party, I would be sending a gift and going on said trip to Italy. Don’t let anyone talk you into canceling, go on that trip girl.
It’s really a matter of how close you are?
TBH, if you are ok with losing the friendship, I don’t think you’d be i the wrong. You can “color it up” and say you forgot to tell her in advance that you wouldn’t be able to make it.
If on the other hand, you really care about her.. I’d send my family to have fun without me or catch an earlier flight and lose less money.
In any case, NTA
Many people can’t make it to weddings, unless you are extremely close she should be ok with it even if she won’t be happy about it.
Send a very nice gift with a thoughtful note and go on the trip. Perhaps one of your closer friends could video chat with you so you can actually view the wedding a little so you can comment on how nice she looked.
Go on your family trip. You didn’t even have the invite yet when you booked. Send your regret and a gift and enjoy Italy!
If you’ve never even hung out with her 1 on 1 why is this even a question lol
That’s what an rsvp is for. You already booked the holiday, so you rsvp that you can’t attend. I dont understand why people are so scared of upsetting other people when they already have plans. Cancelling or rescheduling a booked holiday for someone else’s party? Not happening.
And stop saying you accidentally booked the holiday. It was a deliberate act. It’s unfortunate for the bride, but that’s life.
It’s like u said, u ain’t apart of the wedding party, ur a guest, and unfortunately you have plans and won’t be able to attend the wedding. I wouldn’t cancel anything.
I’d say that’s just bad luck and not your problem. Are you going to the hen-do?
She doesn’t sound anywhere NEARLY course enough to schedule plans around even if you had remembered. And CERTAINLY not enough to CHANGE plans for.
Enjoy your trip.
NTA.
NTA
Go on the trip.
“I am sorry, I did not notice that your save the date collides with a holiday that is already booked with my family. There is a cancellation fee of $1600 and on top, my family cannot shift their vacation. So I am sorry, that I will miss your wedding because of this.”
NTA but be upfront with the bride, not the bridal party.
You haven’t even gotten an invitation yet just rsvp no and send a small gift
Better for the bride to know now so she can invite someone who would not have made the list if you were going
I would normally say just tell the bride you didn’t realize the conflict when they first shared their date….but now since you told the mutual friend you have to be upfront and honest….because them finding out from someone else will cause more harm to the friendship than simply not going
A potentially once-in-a-lifetime trip to Italy WITH YOUR FAMILY!! vs. going to a wedding as a guest where the bride is a FB friend who your don’t have a real relationship with. I can’t believe you are actually asking the question. On her special day, the bride will be flitting from person to person with such speed that she can hardly remember the people who are there, never mind the people who aren’t. Does she even know what you look like? Trust me, she won’t miss you. You are NTAH. But you WOULD be if you cancelled your trip to Italy with your family. They would miss you if you weren’t there, and would also be very hurt and maybe angry if you chose the wedding over the family trip, no matter what they might say to you.
It’s an invitation not a summons. You are not in the wedding party. Regrettably you are unable to attend. NTA
Is phrase it as it’s the only week for the family to vacation not that you forgot, but you already told bridesmaids so it’ll probably get out and they will think you’re an asshole, but I don’t think you are, if that makes you feel better 🤷🏻♀️
So a friend of a friend is having a wedding.
Send a lovely gift along with your regrets.
You’re not an asshole, but you’re also not bright. Learn to keep your mouth shut. Unless you were hoping to get some drama started, you should have shut up, sent a gift and card with your regrets, and enjoyed your trip. Now it just seems like you’re trying to stir up some drama for some reason. No matter your intention or whether you actually forgot it’s going to look like you did this on purpose.
Nta
Our lives run concurrent to others, not consecutively. Life happens!
NTA just RSVP no, you aren’t free then. send a present if she isn’t an AH about you not making it.
Yes
Sent her a nice gift with the most sincerest letter of well wishes. Don’t apologize or create an excuse, just say you are sad you were unable to attend (maybe express FOMO)
NTA. Send her a text explaining you have a trip booked and it’s non-refundable but you wish you could attend. Tell her you can’t wait to see pictures and that you’d still like to attend any other wedding celebrations if invited (shower, bachelorette). Send a nice gift for the wedding and go on your trip.
Bro I’d cancel my own wedding to go to Italy, especially if family was footing part of a shared accommodation…. NTA.
I see a lot of people saying “go on the family vacation” but if you are in a group chat where the date was announced months ago and you booked this trip after, like the OP says, that’s different than “you got the invitation after the trip was already booked”. If you said anything in the group chat to confirm your attendance etc, I think you should keep your word – unless you’re comfortable losing your friends.
If you did already commit but just didn’t literally RSVP, that still counts, and might be why people are saying the wedding is more important. Even if you didn’t confirm knowing about the wedding date, now you’ve told two people who are close to the bride that you booked this trip after she announced her dates. The bride probably already knows about this issue.
NTA. You are a guest, not a member of the wedding party.
What would YOU rather do, to to Italy with your family or attend this wedding? What do you think you will regret more looking back, not being part of this trip or not going to this wedding?
I would not skip a family trip for someone I’ve never spent time with or even texted one on one. I would send my condolences, a gift and enjoy the family holiday.
If you aren’t part of the wedding party you have no true obligation especially if you were already booked. Give a gift, wish them well and apologize that you can’t make it. Nta
If it’s a cousin getting married, it’s fun because you know everybody, it’s a memorable moment. You can catch up with the family you have not seen for a while, sometimes since childhood. You can gather gossip for years to come.
If it’s just a friend getting married, a wedding is just a party where you only know a handful of people and you have to wait a lot: wait for the bride to show up at the altair, wait for the happy couple to get married by the officiant, wait for the cocktail to start (may take an hour or two while pictures are being taken), wait for the dinner to be served, wait between each dish. Wait for the dance party to start, wait for the right music to be played. All this time waiting is not that fun unless you are surrounded with tons of people you actually know and value you.
Don’t settle for somebody else’s idea of fun. Go on your trip. You don’t need to give a formal explanation of why. Was your invitation custom, with 3 paragraphs about why you should come? No. Your RSVP should not be custom and 3 paragraphs long either. “Thank you for the invitation but I won’t be able to attend”. And besides, the groom is gay, this marriage won’t last. NTA
Quit talking to your friends! Apologize to bride and send a nice gift. She will understand.
TBD if YTA or not.
Which are you more comfortable losing? $1600 or, at minimum, one friendship?
Go to Italy. It’s an amazing country. You will remember the trip for your lifetime ( a kind distant friend’s wedding -not so much)
Politely decline the invitation ( as opposed to summons) and send a gift.
Nonrefundable purchased directly from an airline usually does not mean not rebook-able.
You will be charged a fee for each passenger to rebook the flights to other dates. If the flights are more expensive on the new dates you will also pay that amount.
Bon voyage! Send a gift and enjoy the family.
Decline the invitation. It wasn’t received until after the plans were already in place.
Why on earth are you even giving these people the opportunity to offer an opinion?
You don’t need their permission or their input.
Go to Italy.
On the one hand, it’s an invitation and not a summons. You’re a guest and not part of the bridal party.
On the other hand, you’re actively stirring up drama by talking to one of the bridesmaids as well as the MoH. What did you expect them to tell you? I’m serious, what good did you think that would do? You’re doing your best to make a mountain out of a molehill.
Stop discussing it with people actively in the wedding. RSVP no, you can’t make it due to a prior family commitment. (The bride will definitely know that this is a lie, due entirely to your own foolish behaviour.)
I’d highly recommend sending a nice gift as well as an apology note, assuming you want to still be on speaking terms with the bride after this.
YTA
Not because you forgot the date and double booked, but because you couldn’t have stirred up.more drama if you’d actively tried.
In short,
Intentions good
Actions bad
YTA – Not for booking the trip, but for doing stirring up drama before the wedding by not simply just RSVP’ing “no” and going on with your life. You aren’t the main character in the bride’s story. Nobody cared until you decided put yourself center-stage, so you’re trying to make them care by stirring up drama.
I wouldn’t cancel my trip. I would explain the family vacation and it was the only time it worked for everyone. If I was the bride and it was a friend I liked but wasn’t super close with, I’d understand completely.
You don’t have to go to the wedding. It doesn’t sound like you’re interested in a deeper relationship. Send a gift and enjoy your vacation.
It’s a wedding invitation, not a court summons, even with a save the date text in advance. Send your regrets and a lovely gift and stop making it an issue when it doesn’t need to be.
If OP was not expected to be in the wedding party of a friend it’s perfectly to miss the wedding. My SIL missed my wedding because she was too close to her due date to travel. Life happens. If it’s the wedding of a sibling or close cousin then I would change my plans to be there for the wedding. That might not be true for someone with 10 siblings and 60 cousins.
NAH
An invite is not an obligation to go. People miss weddings for a variety of reasons.
You’re NTA. you’re a guest, not family or in the bridal party. No sane person would expect you to lose out on $1600 for a wedding you’re not deeply involved in. Tell her you can’t make it, send a thoughtful gift, and enjoy Italy.
The fact that it is a year out and you told members of the bridal party that you have a trip might stir up drama within the group but other than that NTA.
You probably won’t even get an invitation since you ran your mouth after receiving a save the date.
Family trip trumps acquaintance wedding. I didn’t go to my best friend (since we were 2) wedding because they did Jamaica at 5k per person, and it was 1 month after my first child was born. Guess what? Still best friends.
The bridesmaid who is telling you to cancel your vacation and lose more than $1000 is wrong. So wrong. Why would anyone who’s not in the wedding party, not related to either half of the happy couple, and not even that close of a friend sacrifice their vacation to go to a wedding where they likely won’t even be missed? Bridesmaid’s trippin’. Ignore her. Or tell her she can reimburse you for the money you’d be out if it’s so important to her that you be at someone else’s wedding.
Go to Italy.
Also be prepared to be demoted or exiled from group chat. It’s how such people roll.
If the bride has an ounce of class, she will call you and assure you not to worry about it. If she turns in to Bridezilla, you also have your answer.
Send a nice gift, wish them well, but do not go overboard with an apology or explanation. A simple “Best wishes and I’ll be thinking of you on your wedding day!” type of message.
Agree with others that it’s an invitation not a grand jury summons or an IRS audit appointment.
NTA. A wedding invitation is not a summons. Send your regrets. She’s an acquaintance level friend in a group chat. Do not rearrange your plans.
Bride isn’t your close friend, sounds more like an acquaintance. Go on the trip with your family.
Edit to add, brides close friends and people in the wedding are obviously going to side with the bride. So don’t pay what they have to say much attention.
If this is the only week your family can go then RSVP the bride that you’re not coming, send a gift (if you want) and don’t give it another thought. Don’t let other people guilt you into changing your plans. They wish they were going to Italy too 😉
I think you need to do what’s best for you.
It’s not the end of the world, and, if you really valued this friendship, you’d probably be talking to the actual bride instead of everyone else.
You are important enough to the couple to be willing to pay the “per head” price for you (and maybe a plus one?) to attend, but it’s an invitation, not a summons. They’d like you there but sometimes things just don’t work out and that’s ok. They haven’t spent the money on you yet.
Put on your big girl panties and do what YOU think you should do.
Send her a gift with a nice note in a card and enjoy your trip.
Send her a massage and let her know that your family booked a trip to Italy and her wedding is in the middle so unfortunately you won’t be able to make it but you’d love to get together to celebrate her over a lunch after you both get back (from your trip and her assumed honeymoon).
YTA, and your family, too, if they’d seriously try to force you to pay for travel accommodations you won’t be using (if you cancel). That’s the worst behavior here, forcing family to pay for a vacation they don’t even get to enjoy. It’s entirely your fault you double booked. It sounds like you might have done so even if you’d actually put the date down on your calendar. I don’t think there’s anything actually awful about that, but it isn’t prioritizing the friend.
NTA
I would spend a week with a family. She is not a close friend, and your family can’t do it at a different time.
In this situation, I would help my mom financially. But given the tension, I would not allow her to move in.