I (19f) have been dating Leo (19m) for over a year now. We’ve known each other since we were 6 and we’ve been a part of the same friend group since we met. My parents (mom and dad) both knew him from a young age and he was really sweet when my mom died. Dad even commented back then about how kind he was to me.
My dad has been with his wife for 2 years now and they’ve been married for 6 months.
Ever since I told my dad I was dating Leo he’s been SO different about him. I got shit for bringing him to a family party in June and dad said it was inappropriate to bring just anyone to a family party. I ran it by the relative hosting and they were fine with it. My dad never complained about friends joining before.
Dad and his wife have shown up unannounced when Leo and I were hanging out and they wanted to leave him out. Dad makes it a big deal if I want to include Leo ever. It’s not even all the time.
Both of them were really off with Leo when dropped by unannounced a couple of weeks ago too and this led to a fight. Leo went on a grocery run and I confronted my dad.
I asked dad why he was being like that and how did he expect me to want him to visit if he’d be that way. His wife said they don’t like seeing me be in such a serious relationship and the fact I’m bringing him to things is strange when he’s not family and he’s just a partner and I should listen to them. I asked her who she was to say that. Dad said she’s right and she’s his wife and our family. He said it’s so totally different. I told him he would never have let me treat her that way before they were married either. He claimed it was still different and I should be willing to spend time with them without Leo.
And I have btw. I have visited on my own and met for lunch without Leo. He’s not always there. But we go to the same college and we’re living together with some friends for the summer and will be full time moving in together in a couple of weeks.
But anyway, dad said Leo isn’t family and some stuff should be just for family. So I asked why his wife was always there. I asked why I should include her if he won’t ever include Leo, she’s not MY family after all. Why it was any of his wife’s business when she’s got no say on my life. Dad said she’s family, they’re married. I asked again would I need to marry Leo for things to change again and he just said it’s different. His wife said I had no business invalidating her and she’s the future grandmother of my children. I told her good luck with that. She’s not my mother and she will never be their grandmother and since we’re excluding partners that’s all she’ll ever be, married or not, since that’s what dad’s saying he’ll do. Dad told me that was enough and he never said that. I told him he keeps saying it’s different and not that marriage would change anything so I see no reason to include his wife. I then made them leave which they did not do easily. They wanted to keep the fight going but I told them I was done.
They’re now angry I invalidated his wife by asking about including her and saying she won’t be the future grandmother. But I stand by it. My kids might not know grandpa if he’s a dick to their dad and wants to act like he doesn’t exist.
AITA?
Comments
Your step mom is a little bit of an asshole from what you wrote. Your dad is also a little bit of an asshole. While it’s true that your boyfriend wouldn’t always go to every family event, it’s also true that he should be able to come to some of them. Unless she has done something that would validate their mistreatment, you are not the asshole.
They doesnt like seeing you in a serious relationship?????
What the actual f!
Would they prefer you screwing around and changing boyfriends at the same rate as you change your undies????
NTA. If they’re going to judge and exclude your partner it seems fair you can do the same 🤷
‘Karen, you are not the futute grandmother to Leo and I’s children. We’ll be no contact long before then with the way you are behaving.’
Rock up to the court house. Take a picture outside it and get matching cheap silver rings. Announce you got married. Haha.
NTA. If you have been together for a year, and living together, he is your partner, not just a random guy you’re dating. Your father has no right to treat him that way unless there is something you are leaving out about your bf. Is he in school, employed, drug-free? Has he ever hurt you? You are both very young, so just be sure to take things slow, use protection, dont rush into marriage. I am proud of you for standing up for him and yourself. Counseling would help you learn how to set good boundaries with your father and teach you how to enforce them. You don’t need to put up with your father’s toxic behavior.
NTA. Wife of six months has no say in anything to an adult stepchild. Also, if you want to talk it out with your father do it 1:1 without his wife present. Going forward I would exclude her from everything and if your father doesn’t change his behavior go LC or NC with him too. He’s got no good reason to do this except he might be jealous.
Your father and his wife are being hypocritical and unfair. They are using their marital status as a shield to justify their own inclusion in family events while actively excluding your long-term boyfriend, Leo, who you’ve known for most of your life. The fact that your dad was previously kind to Leo and even commented on how sweet he was makes his sudden change in behavior even more confusing and hurtful.
Your father’s argument that Leo “isn’t family” is weak, especially when he expects you to include his wife, who has only been in his life for a short time and is not your mother. His claim that “marriage would change things” is a way of moving the goalposts and controlling your relationship. The real issue seems to be a power struggle where your dad is trying to dictate who you can and cannot include in your life. His wife’s comment that they don’t want to see you “in a serious relationship” is a major red flag and shows their disrespect for your choices. You are right to stand your ground; your feelings are valid, and you have every right to want your partner to be included in your life, especially when he is a kind and supportive person.The next time your dad or his wife tries to exclude Leo, state your position calmly but firmly. For example, “Dad, I understand you feel that way, but Leo is an important part of my life. If he isn’t welcome at a family event, then I won’t be able to attend either.” This makes it clear that their exclusion of Leo directly impacts your participation, forcing them to consider the consequences of their actions.When your father insists his wife is “family,” you can gently point out the double standard. You’ve already started doing this, which is great. You could say, “I’m confused. You didn’t consider your wife ‘family’ before you married her, yet you expect me to accept her now. Leo has been in my life for years. Why is your marriage the only thing that validates a person’s place in the family?” This challenges his logic directly and might make him realize how unreasonable he’s being. If the fighting continues and becomes too stressful, you might consider taking a short break from regularly seeing your dad and his wife. You don’t have to announce it as a formal break, but you can simply be less available for visits. You can say something like, “Things have been really tense lately, and I need some space. I’ll reach out when I feel ready to talk again.” This gives you time to decompress and shows them that their behavior has consequences beyond just an argument. NTA
Your father is enabling your stepmother in this. They are both aholes.
Question: do you rely on your dad for financial support? If the answer to that is no, go not contact with him and his stupid irritating wife for a year. See how things go with your boyfriend.
NTA stick to your guns. Act cold told your dad and his wife watch how things will change.
Your dad is being a weirdo about this, I don’t see him behaving differently even if it were someone other than Leo.
You need to take a hard stand on this, not for Leo but for yourself. NTA
Your dad is right that his relationship and yours are different. You have known Leo a hell of a lot longer (basically your whole life), than he has know his wife. So I would say your relationship is more valid, more serious than his. 🤷♀️ Maybe tell your father and his busybody b of a wife that the next time you see him if you even want to see him at all after how he treats both Leo and you and how infantilizing and disrespectful he is to you.
NTA. Your father is having an extremely difficult time accepting that his little girl and her playmate are growing up and engaging in adult activities.
You’ve told your father that his visits must be by appointment only, which is great.
If you can’t bring your partner to your father’s home, don’t go. Why should you spend time with your father’s partner when you aren’t permitted to bring your partner? Arrange father/daughter outings in which his wife is not allowed to participate either.
NTA-When they got married did they exchange sexual organs instead of vows? It seems as though she’s got the balls and your dad has none.
You are in a serious relationship and moving in together soon. Your dad and his wife are being disrespectful to you and your partner. I would now tell your dad that if he wants a relationship with you at all at this point you and him can do lunch alone. Your bf and his spouse can be excluded together. They brought this on themselves. You now also know that eloping when the time comes would be better than having a wedding gift with this added drama. Save the money and hassle and do a honeymoon instead. Good luck
NTA. Something else is going on that they’re not telling you.
I’m getting the feeling that Leo was fine as a friend, but your dad has someone else in mind for you when it comes to dating long term. If Leo treats you well, then there should be no problem. If your father could give you an honest answer, that would solve a lot of this, but if he’s not, there’s nothing you can do.
What a pair of hypocrites. They’ve given a piss poor excuse for why it’s different for Leo or even why they don’t want him around. Your stepmom is waaaaay out of line and has ZERO say in any of this. This leaves your dad, who is acting like a petulant child, which is pretty pathetic. NTA, it’s your life – live it how you want and with who you want.
Maybe it’s time you are having a talk about being an adult. That he is part of your chosen family for over a year now.
Your dad still seems to think you are his little girl and that he gets any say in your decisions. Maybe also talk about defining family here. Not what his definition is, but your definition.
Parents need to learn that when their kids grow up they are not enabled to stay in their life. Either you work for it and be a reasonable human being or you be an AH and get cut off.
I would tell them if they continue to act like Leo is nothing they will not be welcome in your life
I definitely watch too much TV, but any chance your dad is worried you and your boyfriend are related?
Go to the courthouse and marry Leo. Insist that he be included in everything from now on. Also, start addressing your stepmother as “dad’s latest wife,” as in, “can you please pass the salt, dad’s latest wife?”
NTA but man your Dad and his Wife are. I would text them together and say “I wanted to be perfectly clear about the fight we had. Dad I am an ADULT. If I want to bring my partner around, there is nothing wrong with that. If you are not going to respect me and my Partner, especially when you know he was there for me when Mom died, I may have to rethink our relationship and go NC. Just like you wouldn’t accept me disrespecting your Partner, I will no longer accept you dissing mine. If you want a relationship with me we are a package deal. Dad’s Wife, If you have any prayer of being the “grandmother of my future children” do NOT involve yourself in discussion between my Father and I again. That is not your place. Speaking of not your place, you do not tell me who you are going to be to MY future children. I am not a child. Neither of you will tell me how my life is going to go and what my boundaries will be. I decide that. So when you are both ready to apologize and accept my terms, I look forward to talking to you. Until then, I have nothing else to say. Any further escalation of this problem will result in immediate NC. I hate to be harsh, but if I don’t correct your behavior now, you will forever think it’s okay to treat me as a child.”
NTA
Time to put them in time out for being such assholes. Don’t let them bully you.
Sounds like stepmom thinks she can control who you’re in a relationship with and just doesn’t want you to be in a relationship which is basically none of her fucking concern.
And your father, is going along with it.
NTA, your dad is being so weird. Just because you’re in a serious relationship with Leo doesn’t mean you’re getting married tomorrow, and you seem happy so I don’t understand why he isn’t supportive. You also said you hang out with your dad by yourself too without Leo there so this isn’t a case of “girl who always has to bring her boyfriend.” I also don’t appreciate the double standard he has with Leo vs. his wife, because you’re right OP, there is no difference.
“I asked dad why he was being like that and how did he expect me to want him to visit if he’d be that way. His wife said they don’t like seeing me be in such a serious relationship and the fact I’m bringing him to things is strange when he’s not family and he’s just a partner and I should listen to them. I asked her who she was to say that.”
Based on what you said in your post, since your dad’s wife brought it up first, my theory is SHE doesn’t like Leo, or feels like Leo is getting in the way of her trying to establish a relationship with you, so she wants to exclude him and got your dad on her side. Do you ever get to hang out with your dad one-on-one anymore, or is stepmom always there? Because if she’s always there, then this double standard is even bigger. Not only is your dad doing what he is accusing you of doing, but you are always expected to include your stepmom while they can go ahead and ignore Leo all they like?! I think you did the right thing by putting forth these boundaries.
I also think your stepmom is way out of line when she’s talking about being your potential future kids’ grandma. It’s up to YOU to define your relationship with HER, not up to her and your dad. I hate when stepmoms marry someone’s dad and think they suddenly have a “raised you from birth” relationship with the kid. Thank god my stepmom and stepdad aren’t like that.
NTA. You’re an adult and your dad has no say in who you date and what you two do together. Also you asked family that was hosting the event if it was ok to bring Leo along, your dad can’t tell you that he shouldn’t be there. That’s his problem. His wife needs to stay out of your business. He needs to get over whatever he has going on or he’s going to lose you forever. Updateme
why do people get soooo buthurt when you hold up a mirror?
NTA. Dad’s a dumbass who likes to dish it out but can’t take it. Not a good spot to be when he doesn’t seem to be too quick on the uptake. lol That wife of his isn’t your family if you don’t want her to be, and just some bimbo your dad’s fucking. Your call.
Every time you dad says, “It’s different,” you say “Nope, you’re a moron.” lol
NTA at all, your dad and his wife are being completely unreasonable, she is clearly pulling the string, and it feel more like a power play than genuine concern. You ve been with Leo for over a year, know him your whole life, and he ‘s been nothnig but kind, they sudden shift in attitude is hypocriticral and unfair, if they want to exclude your partner, then they should’nt expect you to embrace his.
You’r standing your ground and that’s exactly what you should do, their demands are ridiculous plain and simple
NTA, he is.
… So, exactly how certain is Leo, that Leo’s dad is his biological dad?
Does Leo at all resemble your dad, by any chance?
You will always have the upper leg on your dad and his new side piece. You’ve known Leo for longer than they’ve known each other have even existed.
NTA. First, you’re an adult, and your dad doesn’t get a say about who you choose as a partner. Second, if he doesn’t want you to bring Leo to a lunch, he doesn’t get to bring his wife. Fair is fair. You can’t be expected to have a wonderful relationship with a stranger who’s DEMANDING one. That’s not how relationships work.
NTA. Yikes. Your stepmom is bizarre. She’s been in your life for 2 years and thinks she can parent an adult who doesn’t live at home? Bananas. Your Dad is also ridiculous and his arguments defy logic. I’d take a time out from them. When you’re ready I’d establish some basic boundaries around unannounced visits, offering unsolicited advice and the expectation of basic respect for you and Leo.
Wow. Dad has known Leo, for much longer than his wife. Give them a time out for a few months. If nothing changes, make it permanent
NTA. Is Leo a different race?
Extreme control, is what this is about.
The unmitigated GALL of them to show up unannounced, then demand your BF leave the premises! Where are my smelling salts?!?! They are behaving like people who are just begging you to go NC with them soon as you’re financially able. Of course this will mean zero access to any children you may have eventually, as well.
And that whole “my house, my rules” thing will apply when they try coming around the place you’ll be renting with Leo. His house, too! Keep having his back, and don’t cede your dad and his hugely-overstepping wife any ground.
FWIW, I’m pushing sixty, have five kids, and I’d never DREAM of treating any of them and their partners like this.