AITA, I’m a 26yr old male and my gf of 6 years is 28yrs old.
In the past year and a half she’s started to not clean herself as often or as thoroughly cause some issues.
Mainly red irritated and smelly skin. For obvious reasons im uncomfortable now.
For a little backstory as a child im talking 10yrs old I was one of those people who didn’t want to wash.
However growing up I obviously changed I now cannot go more than 1 day without washing. I shower daily and being clean is the one thing I expect in a relationship.
She doesn’t work due to other issues im not bringing up here. So she has all day everyday to wash. And yet she doesn’t. I’ve brought it up kindly a few times in a effort to save our relationship, I don’t wanna end a almost 7 year relationship over this. However no matter However I approach this I get eye rolls and “ill sort it”. Im getting sick of this now i should have to teach a 28yr old how to wash. I’ve now bought her a load of fem fresh products and said if she doesnt use them and nothing changes I will leave her in a few months. AITA
Comments
Nta but she needs some mental health help
More info needed –
Where is this red and irritated skin the most? You say about femfresh products so I guess her groin area?
Is the house clean? Does she brush her hair and stuff?
Is it possible she is not mentally well and it is making her neglect herself?
She doesnt need “femfresh” and if that includes douches, it’ll make it worse.
Rather than chuck hygiene products at her, understand this is a sign of depression and encourage her to talk to someone.
You’re not unreasonable for expecting a partner to perform basic hygiene…but she’s obviously struggling with some mental health issues and the hygiene is a symptom. Support her and help her address the mental health issues, and the hygiene will fall back into line. Harping on her hygiene won’t help, and will probably just make things worse. If you care about your partner, help her sort out the bigger problems instead of making them worse…
You’re leaving out ALOT of context here.
NTA but sounds like your gf may be depressed. Also, when people don’t leave the house for work, it’s easy to fall into this pattern, or showering less often because you aren’t out in public. Anyway, hope she gets the help she needs.
Red and irritated ? Are you sure it’s not STD? What about HS? Hidradenitis suppurativa. Or BV? Can be caused by a lot of things but there’s treatment for it. Do something nice for her and have a talk. Work out a game plan on how you all can tackle the issue and what support she needs from you. If she’s unwilling to deal with it then you have no choice.
That sounds real fungal. Is she plus size? Sweat often? Poor hygiene with moisture trapped in folds of skin are a breading ground for bacteria and fungal growth. Tell her to see a Dr.
She sounds like she’s going through depression and the ultimatum you gave her isn’t going to help anything. Give her a safe space to talk and suggest trying things to help improve mental health. Working out, reading, walking. Once the depression clouds fade, things start to get better. It takes time and support. If you can’t handle it, maybe it’s best to leave the relationship for both of your sakes.
I suggest talking to her about therapy, since she seems to have some severe depression and needs help with it.
At your age, you should have the ability to look deeper. A person doesn’t just randomly stop bathing themselves. She needs counseling and if you love her, your ultimatum should be motivated by helping her.
To be blunt, however, your post didn’t convey love, let alone a commitment. If you don’t see yourself loving her for the rest of your life, do her a favor and just end it. If you actually care about her more than yourself, which would mean real “love”, then help her.
NTA – seems like she’s trying to push you away. Take the hint and move on.
Ok first thought was depression but you said this has happened a year and a half ago because of ‘some issues’. Maybe elaborate on those ‘issues’ cos that seems to be the prime reason here.
How is her mental or physical health? My hygiene went downhill big time this past year and a half due to an injury. Bathing has always been a chore for me, so I fell out of the routine because it was so exhausting to bathe, and now I’ve got to really work towards incorporating good hygiene into my routine.
NTA but this sounds seriously like she’s depressed
…’ill sort it..” sort what?🤔
NTA
If the genders were reversed I wonder if responses would differ.
Regardless of her mental health, she NEEDS to take care of her physical health. She needs to see a doctor or a gyno and get help. Poor hygiene is gross and if left untreated it could get worse, I imagine. Be form and put you foot down. This can’t continue.
She sees a medical professional.
For mental and physical health.
Without being overly graphic WHERE is the irritated “smelly” skin? Is the reason she’s not working mental health (depression) related?
Okay no fem fresh, that’ll make it worse. But other than that, NTA
You’re NTA for expecting basic hygiene and, if hers is poor enough to cause skin breakdown, she isnt meeting that reasonable expectation.
You talk like this is newer, though, and say she doesnt work due to ‘other issues.’ Is it a mobility or mental health thing maybe? I know when my depression is worse I have trouble making myself shower and brush my teeth and I also know that long covid made showering normally very difficult and exhausting for a few years. I had to use a shower chair and other adaptive devices for 4 years and it was DIFFICULT and fed into my depression to admit that I couldn’t just stand there and wash my hair.
Maybe try talking to her about what’s going on?
THIS IS CLASSIC DEPRESSION.
Get her some help, dude.
YTA. Not for worrying about her hygiene, but for the way you address it with her.
Has she seen a doctor for the red and irritated skin? Because many skin conditions can cause a smell, but for some of those it’s advised NOT to wash too frequently as frequent washing can actually worsen the condition.
YTA. Your awareness of what her needs are emotionally makes me wonder why she even stays with you. All I read was “me me me”. Maybe try to have a conversation with her about what is happening. If she is struggling. The fact you gave her FemFresh let’s me know even more about how clueless and selfish you are.
Depression is serious
NTA. Hygiene is important. Laziness isn’t
NTA based off of this post… but you have to be honest with yourself about how you’re treating her. Clearly there is more to the story, maybe you should rethink why youre in the relationship. Do you love her, or do you love not being alone? Its easy to stay in long term relationships just because you’re scared of what life might be like without a relationship at all even if it means forcing yourself to stay when you dont really want to
I get the distinct impression that the reason you’re “not bringing up here” is that she’s disabled or sick.
Lack of hygiene is a major symptom of mental illness. Your gf is unwell and it doesn’t sound like she is interested in getting better.
YTA because you’ve been together 7 years, have noticed a huge change in her behavior, and are obviously not seeing the signs of a mental health crisis. In fact, you only seem to be bothered because it’s effecting intimacy (as implied by the products you bought her). If you actually care about her, have a specific conversation about her mental health and see that she gets help.
You’re with a woman who doesn’t work and doesn’t wash yourself. Why in the world are you with her??
Nah a smelly bitch is a single bitch is what I say
YTA because you mention that there are some issues going on and you don’t look deeper to help ur gf and make her seek the help she needs, whether it is medical or mental.
U blame it all on her when in reality she needs help and definitely needs you as her strength , more than ever maybe. That’s why you are partners. Yes , not being hygienic is awful but she wasn’t always like that , u mention it yourself too. If u have no will or desire to help her, then reconsider why exactly you are together. Being in a relationship in your late 20s , let along for a lot of years… i suppose it should be deeper and you definitely should look deeper if you really care about this person. If you don’t (which is what i get from this post) then evaluate your options and maybe leave.
Also “if she doesn’t use these products , i’m gonna leave her” .. this is so mean. I hope you don’t threaten her like that in any way and make her issues worse. Overall you could try more in a deeper level to help her regain her old , clean self back
NTA. I think it’s time to end it. I understand not wanting to give up on 7 years, for for the last year and a half, in addition to this, she’s not working. Those aren’t problems you can solve by giving her products she won’t use.
If she’s unwilling or unable to accept help or get help, you have to prioritize your mental and physical well being.
Sounds like she’s depressed. Instead of trying to force her to bathe, suggest a counselor or therapist.
She sounds like shes depressed maybe try talking to her about if anything is going on and what you can do to help. The red irritated skin sounds like a fungal infection, I’m large chested and get it under my bra line, for it I use a medicated prescription cream when it flairs up bad. Deodorant can help on areas that are tight and prone to sweating also. The femfresh products are terrible and will make it worse, shes got an imbalance of something and needs medical attention. I hope she gets the help she needs and that you are able to help support that.
You’re NTA. Personal hygiene is a basic expectation in a relationship, especially after 6 years together. You’ve tried addressing it kindly and even offered help, but if she’s unwilling to make an effort, it’s reasonable to set boundaries. You shouldn’t feel like you have to teach an adult how to take care of themselves.
What are the other issues? Is she physically able to wash herself? She’s either depressed or dealing with some sort of skin allergy.
Sometimes you can’t make someone get help or help themselves, then all you can really do is leave.
Take intimate showers together. Lather her up and clean her yourself. Once a week or more. If also serves as a bonding experience. If she won’t do even this then imagine how much worse this will be when she’s 40 60 or unable to even wipe her own butt.
NTA. Hygiene issues aside, are you willing to support this woman indefinitely? She needs therapy and to start working.
It’s called depression. She probably needs to go see a therapist.
Is she… depressed? Like clinically? She sounds like she’s going through some mental health issues. It’s not your responsibility, of course, and you’d be justified in ending the relationship. It sounds like there’s a LOT of information and context we’re missing though.
So you wanna leave your girlfriend of seven years for being… depressed??
I’m not a doctor, but “red, irritated, smelly skin” sounds like a fungal infection that requires treatment, regular hygiene products won’t fix it.
But the real underlying problem here is her mental health. She needs help.
She does not have hygiene issues. If it came on randomly a year and a half ago, she has mental health issues. Maybe stop thinking about yourself and help her. Like? I wish I could help, this is sad.
NTA – she may be depressed given her situation. She needs to seek help. However I wouldn’t wait months for a change since you’ve brought this up multiple times already.
She sounds depressed. Buying all the prettiest toiletries in the world won’t motivate her nor will ultimatums. She needs to speak with a therapist. Being unemployed and whatever is going on that caused it need to be addressed and worked out.
How OP tell it – It comes across as she isn’t showering because she is lazy or doesn’t care… but I have a feeling that isn’t the full story (and if it’s not then YTAH)
Her not being able to work.. meaning mental health problems or illness or because she doesn’t want to?
Mental health and chronic illnesses are not to be disregarded when it comes to hygiene. With those it’s not just as simple as taking a shower (which you should know if you have been with her for 6 years) and if that is what is going on YTAH leaving out crucial information and huge contributing factors to get people to validate your feelings.
> I’ve now bought her a load of fem fresh products and said if she doesnt use them and nothing changes I will leave her in a few months
your girlfriend could be depressed and you’re threatening to leave her? wow, good job.
if she has red irritated skin ,she needs to see doctor first of all ,she maybe need medicated shower gel and topical creams, possibly steroid cream, or fungal cream, doctor should be first stop,why don’t you go with her for support , maybe she might open up about feeling low ,no energy, signs of depression/ low mood
She sounds gross. Home all day and still cant be bothered to wash. Gross man. If she won’t put energy into herself dont expect her to put energy into a relationship/household/family.
NTA. That’s a real turn off, and clearly she doesn’t care to do anything about it.
NTA – BUT Maybe try being compassionate a little. Don’t dump all those cleaning supplies and then say u r gonna leave. Its just the skin and not her. You love her right?
I’ve read in the comments that she could struggle maybe. And I wonder why u didn’t ask her about it. Maybe she can tell you? Didn’t she explain that to you? Idk where the irritation is but if it smells it could mean a infection bc of bacteria perhaps?
U need the right stuff for that. It has to be treated.
Did that bother you in the bedroom? Then I would understand the frustration. And I would also think it’s not rlly considerate of her to make you put up with it. So idk.
NTA.
Regardless of her mental health issues (most likely depression), basic hygiene is a must for anyone no matter their relationship status for health reasons alone.
The fact that she is well aware of your concerns and chooses not to address them is simply disturbing and disrespectful towards you. If she really doesn’t work and has all the time in the world – there is absolutely NO excuse not to take at least a daily 15-30 minute shower!
Try to get her some mental health help and don’t offer any ultimatums; if she’s not willing to address any of her issues in the near future despite your help, it would be best for you to reconsider the relationship.
NTA
But it sounds like she needs help
If there’s no progress made within a certain (variable) time frame, then feel free to break up with her and not feel bad about it.
Your girlfriend has serious mental health issues… Get her some baby wipes, talcum powder and dry shampoo for the hygiene shit, savlon if she needs it but focus on her mental health… Mate she needs professional help and medication and this isn’t a simple hygiene issue nor should that be your priority here.
This sounds like depression. She needs help.
Wash together. Make it fun not a chore. Hug, tickle, whisper sweet nothings into her ear.
Impossible to know what’s going on without you explaining the “issues”. Have you been abusive or treated her badly sexually? She might be using this as a defense mechanism. We don’t know without context.
Other issues you won’t bring up…. Like her mental health?
You’re 28, now is absolutely the right time to split up over this or you’ll be stuck with the problem for the rest of your life.