Partner suffers with ED. 6 year relationship – huge struggle for me mentally/emotionally, not to mention the impact it has had on him.
My problem however is he has constantly initiated sex with me when I have been in somewhat debatably vulnerable situations.
I have consistently woken up to him touching/having sex with me whilst I am asleep – I spoke to him about this and said I wasn’t really happy with it because we would never have sex when I am awake. I had no say or control over what was happening because I was un/semi-conscious. I didn’t even know what was going on to know if I even liked what was happening. Many times I have woken up sore down there. It got to me a lot and I worried that he wasn’t attracted to me unless I was essentially lay there unconsciously/asleep.
When I told him again I wasn’t happy about it, it would stop briefly and then continue happening. This is over the course of a few years.
A few years back I was spiked on a night out. Luckily I was out with work friends and they managed to call my partner to come and pick me up. He got me and drove me safely home (I don’t recall any of this whatsoever). All I remember is waking up around 4am completely naked, face down on the bed whilst he was having anal sex with me. I was completely unconscious up until this point. He was supposed to keep me safe? But I feel like he just did to me what the person who spiked me might have done to me had they managed to get me home that night anyway?
Just last weekend, we went out with some colleagues and both got drunk in the pub. We got home after a great night, I was pretty drunk. I woke up on the bathroom floor completely naked, to him fingering both holes interchangeably and trying to have sex with me. Only this time I couldn’t move, it’s like I was frozen in time and couldn’t physically move my body to stop him. I couldn’t even open my eyes. He carried on thinking I was asleep.
After a good while I quite openly said to him “you do know I’m awake”.. and he immediately stopped and shortly after denied touching me at all. He said I’d made it all up. I still remember it all clearly – but what’s worse is he tried to change reality. I feel like he tried to make me feel crazy. He took away my phone and I remember crying/screaming from the bottom of my lungs just feeling completely powerless.
Shitty situation cos I can’t just leave. We live and work away together 8 hrs from home. Can’t quit the job (we are both heavily relied upon). And so we are still living, travelling and working together. Thankfully the house has 2 bedrooms and so we haven’t been sleeping together ever since last weekend. I just don’t know what to do. It’s taken me this long to come around to the idea that actually, you can still be sexually abused, in some cases repeatedly by somebody who claims to love you. Who you also love.
I haven’t told anybody this and I’m wary of the repercussions if I do.
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You need to start making a plan to leave him.
He knew what he was doing, and he is disgusting
FFS, can you go home to your family? Maybe they can help you get back on your feet and find another job and another home. Reach out to someone. Go to a woman’s shelter if you have to. You are being sexually abused and now gaslighted.
Your partner raped you. Get out, you’re not safe.
Tell your work you need different accommodations, stay with another coworker, get a hotel room.
You can absolutely quit that job and leave. Go home to your family. If you are close to them, tell them everything. Do not be embarrassed, you have done NOTHING to be embarrassed of. This man has been raping you for years. Not “having sex with” you, raping you. And there is nothing “debatable” about your vulnerability. You were unconscious and/or intoxicated to the point of having no control over your own body.
This man belongs in prison. He may have told you that he loves you, and I understand how much worse that makes this feel. I have PTSD from being taken advantage of in similar ways, so I really, really get it. But he doesn’t love you and he never did. He isn’t your boyfriend, he’s your rapist.
>Shitty situation cos I can’t just leave. We live and work away together 8 hrs from home. Can’t quit the job (we are both heavily relied upon).
Yes you can. You can quit and you can leave. That you are heavily relied upon is the company’s problem, not yours. And in fact, if you are both working for the same company and isolated away from home, you may want to let your supervisors or HR know exactly why you’re leaving. But that’s up to you.
Either way, this is not your responsibility. Companies get put in awkward positions all the time, and they deal. Your only responsibility is your safety and well-being. And just sleeping in another room is not safe. This man has been raping you for years while you were unconscious. A closed or locked door isn’t going to stop him if he doesn’t want it to.
You need to leave. I know it feels impossible, but I promise you can do this. Call your family, call a friend, tell them your BF has been hurting you, and you need help to get out. I promise you, they will want to help you, and NO ONE is going to blame or shame you for this. They’re going to be really proud of you for leaving.
Well, do you want to keep dating a rapist?
What the fuck. I am so horrified to tell you but this man has been r*ping you and no relationship is worth the genuine fear you feel waking up to being touched without knowledge or consent
That’s rape.