My sister is 23, living at home, she has a boyfriend she has been with for two months. She has a part time job and no degree, her boyfriend does not either and just got a job last week. He is 20. She broke the news to me she is pregnant and I wish I would have been happy for her, but I told her she should consider her options.
I am 29, in the process of divorce, now so a single mother to a boy. It is hard, and I have a college degree and a great job, so does my soon to be ex husband. It is still financially and mentally the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I have the resources to be flexible. Would I change it, never in a million years, but she is extremely immature and has never had a real job, no life experience. I truly just don’t want to see her struggle like I am now without having the resources I have.
She was upset that I wasn’t jumping off the walls excited for her, but honestly I just don’t think it’s fair to my mom to be living in a home with my sister and a newborn baby. She has never been on her own so I don’t think she fully understands bills and how expensive kids are. I think she is just excited to have a boyfriend and an opportunity to have kids and is not thinking clearly and does not understand the reality of life on your own with a child. He is seemingly excited, but he is also 20, still living at home without a stable job.
I genuinely feel awful not being excited for her, but I think she is setting herself up for a life of suffering with this guy and her current situation.
Edit to say – I did not directly tell her she should get an abortion, but I did say she should consider her options and she does not have to have kids if she isn’t ready, but that if she wanted to we would help her when we could. She mentioned multiple times she was afraid.
ALSO edit to add – My mom has NO idea she is pregnant yet and I will not be the one to tell her. I will still always support her and if she wants me to keep this a secret I absolutely will, but I have been urging her to tell her for the last week. (She is still very early on)
Am I the asshole?
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Your sister is setting herself up for a life of failure tbh. NTA.
NTA
Ask after the baby is born, where she is going to live? Where is her bf going to live? Is Mom onboard with her freeloading?
Ask, how much in Dollar terms she intends to contribute to the increase in Moms utility bills?
Nta. Get ready to be roasted by AITAH though, a good chunk of the audience tends to be outraged whenever abortioms are mentioned in even the slightest manner to someone having children irresponsibly
NTA. What you said was a kindness to her.
You have a bit more realistic a view than sis does, so NTA but don’t be surprised if you het ignored.
NTA. You’re just being honest and genuine. You’re not excited, and you’re not faking excitement. You have a viewpoint to offer, the end. Just like mom will too. She should be more concerned what your mom’s reaction is going to be. This really is more your mom’s problem than yours, tbh.
Yta.
While you are struggling, do you regret your son? It sounds like you’re projecting your own situation but if not, imagine somebody says that to you. Would you rather not have your son?
It’s her choice, it’s her life to figure out.
YTA. Not your job to act like her mother, and if your mother is concerned about adding a newborn to the mix then you need to her address it with your sister. You’re projecting your own issues in to your sister, and until someone specifically asks you what your opinions about this and your sister you need to keep them to yourself.
Your NTA but your mom is enabling this. She’s never made her leave the nest and now she won’t. Ever. This is something I would discuss with your mom- not the pregnancy per se but what her plans are for if she plans to ask her to leave. While it’s not what you want for her, your mom may be fine with it.
Nope.
NTA. I got pregnant at 17 and married the guy at 19 because I had very catholic parents and a dying mother. Divorced at 22 because he was beating the crap out of me. Do I regret my daughter? Absolutely not. Do I regret the life she lived? Absolutely. I have a lifetime of regrets and a heart full of sorrows. We are better now but we have had many years of therapy and that POS in on his 6th marriage.
Your sister needs to grow up and be ready to be a parent. It’s not all cuddles and giggles.
Based on the fact that you didn’t literally tell her to get an abortion, I’d say NTA. Telling her to critically consider her options is different than the ragebaity title.
NTA
You’re her older sis. Straightforward no BS.
It’s called reality.
YTAH
Clearly your sister was excited to announce her pregnancy (indicating she plans to keep the baby). Although she seems to be young she’s an adult and made that choice to keep the baby. Your struggles are your own and not hers and just because she doesn’t have a college degree doesn’t mean she is any less capable of becoming a wonderful mother. It’s a bit shallow to think otherwise. It seems as though you’re projecting your own bitter feelings regarding your life struggles onto her and that is simply selfish.
What your sister needs right now is love and support, although you may not agree with her choices.
NTA but the baby already exists. You don’t have the right to decide if you think someone should live or dies as if you were God just because you think the circumstances aren’t preferable(even if they aren’t preferable).
NTA
A lot of people refuse to look at the realistic side of having a child and pregnancy. I swear it makes people go nuts. Your sister rather stay in her delusion of being a good parent like you than become her own person.
No.
NTA you’re actually being real with her and most people wouldn’t be. She’s lucky to have you as a sister.
YTA big time. You gave unsolicited advice, you gave bad advice, and on top of that you ruined what was supposed to be an exciting moment for her. People procreate in all sorts of situations and it’s literally none of your business whether the situation is ideal or not – unless you are offering help to make her situation more ideal. She is having a baby and has a right to be excited.
It sounds like you are bitter about your situation, and rightly so, because you have been through a lot – but do not project your trauma on her.
I was once in your sister’s shoes. Had been with my boyfriend (now husband!) for literally 6 weeks before finding out I was pregnant. I was 19, and actually had dropped out of college already due to needing intensive mental health rehab. I had just finished rehab and was living with my parents and could not support myself when I met my husband. My older sister knew how imperfect my situation was, but she was excited for me. She cried from excitement. It gave me hope and strength for the future (I was scared!)
My son’s father and I got married when our son was 2; we have been married for 6 years now. My husband, despite filing for bankruptcy when I was pregnant, got the first job he could find and worked his ass off to take care of us. I finished my bachelor’s degree before our second child was born. We are homeowners now and I get to be a SAHM. We had to grow up fast, work hard, and work together. That unplanned pregnancy is the best thing that ever happened to us.
I had a baby at 21 with a man who had left me at 2 months pregnant. All of my family were telling me to get an abortion and that I would never manage, never cope etc.
That baby is 15 now and we worked out fine. We’ve had a bit less money that I’d have liked for most of it, but I went back to adult education and now have two degrees and well above average earnings for my age bracket.
I have struggled with fertility issues ever since and went through several cycles of IVF to try to have another child, and at 37 have accepted that my 15yo will be my only kid. If I hadn’t had him, I would likely be completely childless. I know this isn’t the case for everyone and is probably quite rare, but my issues stemmed from a forced teenage abortion (result of sexual assault, no regrets about that one) and doctors told me I was incredibly lucky to have carried my son to term. There were serious complications with the pregnancy and his birth at the time but he is healthy and doing well now.
I can only speak from my own experience, and although it wasn’t plain sailing and there were definitely things I would have done differently, I don’t regret having my child. But I was motivated to provide a home and stability for him, without a network of family support for the first few years as we were estranged, and that was incredibly difficult.
Maybe her partner isn’t the right person for this situation. Maybe her loving circumstances aren’t ideal. But neither of these are set in stone. Whatever your sister decides, don’t alienate your relationship because you don’t agree with her choice. Having a close support network is crucial for the rollercoaster of child rearing; and having an absence of that is something that took years and a lot of effort on my part (despite not being my fault) to repair.
Wishing you all, all the best with this.
You’re NTA just because she didn’t like your input. It sounds like she wants you to tell her what she wants to hear, which is very toxic and enabling imo.
Yes
Nah bro you’re not an asshole for encouraging your sister to kill her child 🤦🏽
NTA. Also make it clear that you will NOT be option B for mama if she wants to bail on the kid…
Kinda? Your sister is 23, an adult. She knows what she’s getting into and if not she will find out when it happens. Best you can do is pray that things work out for her.
NTA at all. Try to give her the reality check and tell her about how hard can it be, but if she keeps going no much that you can do aside from try to support in your way but still considering what’s right from everyone and see how does it go. Good Luck 👍💖
ESH, Your sister is not emotionally or financially stable enough to have a baby. She shouldn’t be bringing a child into the world knowing she’ll need government assistance to support it. Let’s not pretend she won’t be on Medicaid, foodstamps and WIC in the coming months if she hasn’t already applied. However, she came to you clearly excited about the pregnancy. She didn’t ask for advice or a reality check. She asked her sister to share in her excitement. If you had nothing nice to say, you could have stayed silent.
NTA
YTA. You aren’t wrong to bring it up but she’s not wrong to want to have children either. You already made your mistakes and you said you’d never change it in a million years. Because you have a college degree do you think you’re better than her? You still ended up in the situation you don’t want her in (even though you have a college degree) but you don’t even know they could end up living their whole lives together happily.
Now I feel like it is bordering on yta cause you’re projecting your shitty life onto hers.
Edit, changed vote because of the way OP is responding.
It is a big mistake to tell someone your opinion if they didn’t ask you for it. Even if the opinion is right, people in general don’t like being told what to do. It’s just how it is.
It has gotten me in trouble with people before because I didn’t keep my mouth shut about things.
Yes.
Are you the asshole for telling your sister to kill her baby? Yes.
NAH but your mom has the ability to also control her circumstances and tell sis she needs to move out and take care of herself. And sis is an adult and capable of making her own decisions whether they be what you agree with or not. I would just stay out of it and try to be happy for your sister.
Telling her to consider the options is fine. But now you must stay out of it and let her make the choice.
As an adult, you make choices and you must live with the results of those choices, good or bad. It is you responsibility and no one elses.
I’m glad you are going to support her, but I would limit exactly how much. For example, are you going to let her move in with you and leach off of you?
YTA. The correct response to a pregnancy announcement is always “congratulations!”
The only time options, like abortion or adoption, should be brought up is if the person that is pregnant brings it up first or seems very distraught over the pregnancy but this should be prefaced with expressing support no matter what choice is made
NTA. People should consider abortion or adoption when the alternative is bringing kids into the world that they have no means or maturity to support.
What a horrible thing to say to your sister.
YTA for not telling your mom. By the sounds of it your sister is financially dependent on your mom. She has a right to know.
NTA, you were kind and didn’t blurt out to have an abortion. Considering her options is what anybody should do in life anyway, with any life altering decision! But, if she’s happy about it, she probably won’t listen to anybody. Your mom needs to weigh in on this STAT. Don’t pay attention to the comments directed at you on here. Nobody loves abortions, it’s just a terrible necessity and reality because your sister and/or the bf wasn’t responsible enough to use protection. Ask your mom if she’s ready to raise another child, AND pay for it, too.
Yes, it is always a horrible idea to tell a pregnant person that they should not be pregnant, unless they ask you to help them get an abortion, then you can support them. You can gently offer them support and help them think through the realistic awfulness that being a parent is, if they are open to it. But you absolutely can never tell anyone that you think they should not be a mom.
YTA and this will taint your relationship with your soon to be niece or nephew, when you hold them for the first time you will look back on this and realize you are the asshole
Just gotta let people make their own mistakes because of you try to throw your 2 cents in… doesn’t matter how right you may in fact be… you’ll be viewed as the villain in their story
YTA, her body her choice.
Considering her options should be what can she start now to improve her situation before the baby comes. All babies are blessings and it’s horrific to consider ending life. If you were given the choice to have a hard life with your daughter or an easy life without her – which one would you choose? For some having someone to take care of is the motivation they need. Congratulations to your sister!!! It is hard for any parent, but also the absolute best. My sibling had a child at 19 and didn’t finish school. My nephew graduated high school last year with top honors and will be entering university with scholarships this Fall. I wasn’t thrilled at the news at first, but can’t imagine not having him in our family.
NTA. I’ll address this from an angle I’m not seeing much of here. Your suggestion would save that child from a lifetime of suffering and eventual death. Being born would not do it any favors. At least in an abortion it’s “death” would be entirely painless and it would never have to suffer. It would never know terror or sorrow. Nor would it have to face a doomed future.
You are not the asshole at all. You are being realistic, and do not have unicorns and rainbows flying out of your ass. Life is hard, and it’s easy for young adults who have done nothing meaningful or every had responsibilities to oversee that. The odds are already against them. If they had to be on their own, they would be homeless.
20 is a kid. Kids shouldn’t have kids, period. You are doing the job of an older sister, so nta.
NTA, you’re just providing insight on the reality of parenthood.
Not your business to even suggest. You should probably work on your own life and see how that goes for a while.
NTA Maybe also sit down with her and work on a budget. Perhaps seeing how expensive it is to have a child will be eye-opening. I mean, how will she be able to take care of this child with a part time job? Who will take care of the baby while she works? Does she have a clue how challenging this will be?
Yes she is very young, her child man is not mature!
Mild YTA because ultimately it’s not your decision or your business beyond whether or not you help her (and you’re completely within your rights to wash your hands of the whole thing!) It’s not that I disagree with you, I just disagree with the idea that it’s something people should give input on unless directly asked.
Sit down with your sister and watch the first couple of seasons of Teen Mom. This is what her life is going to be like, without the money from MTV.
NTA. Seriously, what’s up with people excited about having kids that young with a person they just met and without any financial stability ? Kids are hella expensive. Parents should really consider if they could manage totally on their own before having children.
She’s practically the poster child for why abortion should be legal. NTA and good for you. You could even be more encouraging, really.
NTA. Your sister and her boyfriend aren’t financially stable enough to support a child. Unless they can get stable jobs, their own place to live, along with enough to support themselves and a newborn, all within 9 months, I agree. Your sister is not going to be able to provide for this child.
How would you have reacted if you announced your pregnancy, and someone told you to get an abortion?
There are myriad reasons why it is unwise to have children out of wedlock, with a new bf, while living at home. You have perfectly valid reasons to be concerned.
In general, telling someone to consider getting an abortion when they announce a wanted pregnancy is a major faux pas.
A better way to address this than immediately bringing up abortion in any form of euphemism, is to have a talk with her on her plans for the future. Tell her that since this is a new relationship, she should plan to be as independent as possible. Direct her to the local benefits office to see what she qualifies for. Encourage her to research all benefits she can qualify for, and not to assume mom will pay for it, as that’s not fair to her. Tell her she’ll need to figure out daycare or childcare in general, prenatal vitamins, and find a good doctor. Say that you are forwarding her from your position as newly single mom. You face many overwhelming expenses now, but at least you have the added help of alimony and child support. Since she is not married and he barely works, she will have neither. Child support would be negligible until he really starts working. Say that this is not to discourage her, but rather to gird her loins so she is fully prepared before the baby comes. She also needs to tell mom as soon as possible, to see if mom will allow them all to live with her, or if they need to get their own place. Time is of the essence.
This way, she is encouraged to get all the information while making decisions about her future.
Being a mom is the easiest job to get and the hardest one to have. Your sister knows she’s doing something wrong if she does not want to tell your mom. You need to ask her why not. She is definitely going to find out eventually and the sooner the better.
NTA. She doesn’t sound ready for the responsibility. I was 17 when I got pregnant. I kept the baby. I had no degree and a part time job. I was kicked out. I had to work so hard for years to dig myself out of the hole. My husband and I were the minority. We stayed together. Most don’t. I’m only now going back to college 20 years later. Looking back, I don’t regret having a child, but I wish I could have given her more. It was so hard and I missed out on a lot because many times I was working overtime or 2 jobs.
As your sister sits, I hope she is prepared to work harder than she ever has in her life. One part time job is not going to cut it.
In college one of my best friends, who had really pulled herself out of abuse, neglect, and poverty, got pregnant by an unemployed loser. She never got attention from boys so I know it felt good to have a reason to be getting ALL the attention from this fat, dirty, video games all day lowlife. Well, almost all his attention, he did have another girl pregnant at the same time.
Everyone in her family was thrilled for her, and as one of her oldest friends I was very clear about what I hoped for her. I made it clear I think she should get an abortion and be done with this loser, not tied to him forever.
She decided the person she didn’t want to be tied to was in fact, ME! Hahaha! I was cruel, heartless, and told her to “kill her baby”
No idea how any of them are 15 years later…hopefully well. I have no idea, she ended the friendship and I was fine with that because even knowing how it all went, I stand by my advice all those years ago.
Some absolutely VILE comments in this thread…. The options in this situation are not binary…. It’s not raise a baby that you don’t have the resources to support or abort it… there is always the option to give the baby to a family who will cherish them…
I don’t care if you are pro choice or not… the REAL psychological impact to many women who choose to have an abortion can be extremely devastating…..
I get why you told her that. She’s in a very adult situation rn with no experience and you were being honest. But keeping the baby is also an option. She does need to look into all options, pros and cons, before deciding anything.
If she does want to keep the baby, force you best smile and be happy for you. She may surprise you.
My sister was working ft in fast food at 16, dropped out of school (Baltimore schools weren’t safe 30 years ago), but otherwise very immature. My parents were in the process of moving us 2 hours away, across state lines to a safer place, hoping she’d go back. But then she got pregnant before the move, believing bf would step up, move out of his parents house, get a job, all of that. He ran off.
None of us were thrilled. But we helped her. I’m the younger. I was just starting high school.
She worked 2 jobs, got her GED, started figuring out more of a career thing and looking into trade schools. She grew up very quick. She felt guilty I was up all night walking my nephew (he’d bang on my wall instead of crying when he got a little older) while she was catching a few hours of sleep in between jobs. The time she wasn’t working was spent studying when he was napping or taking care of him.
Wouldn’t give my nephew up for anything.
Realistically, it’s a 50/50 if someone will surprise you and grow up. I hope if she keeps the baby, she’s one that does.
But NTA for telling her to look at her situation realistically.
NTA protect that potential child from a lifetime of suffering.
Neither OP nor sis know all the options yet, because their mother doesn’t know yet and the father-to-be is a wild card. Sis needs to think about as many of those options as she can and be ready to adapt when things change. What happens if Sis’s boyfriend dumps her? What happens if their mother throws her out?
And remember that adoption is an option too. Definitely NTA.
NTA. She needs to be able to take care of herself before trying to take care of a child
I’m wondering why you’re posting asking if you’re TA for telling your sis to get an abortion when you didn’t actually tell her to do that. Clickbait? Going off your post no, you are NTA for trying to open her eyes to the major change her life is about to take. I’d just make sure to approach it in a way that’s helpful such as alerting her that she needs to be making long term plans for employment, housing, making sure the bf pays his fair share, etc, and not coming across as vague doom and gloom.
NTA. You’re right. She has nothing to offer that kid, no prospects, and it absolutely isn’t fair to your mum, who is inevitably going to be the one dealing with the baby.
NTA. You told the truth, people often don’t want to hear the truth when it conflicts with their fantasies.
I had my son when I was 17. I received a full ride scholarship the same day I told my father I was pregnant, and though he hid his disappointment that flashed across his face, this is what he said,
“The greatest gift of education is you can pick it up at any stage of your life, but you might only get one chance to raise a soul. Choose wisely.”
Was I immature, yes. Financially equipped to take care of a child at 17, no. But no level of maturity or amount of money prepares you for being a parent for the first time and I’ve been a mother for 33 years, and we’re all one decision away from being single parents no matter our ages.
Are YTA? Your sister requires your support on whatever decision she makes, and that’s all that matters.
You are not the asshole, you just want to protect your sister. You do seem to have a proper grasp on what parenthood is like.
On the other hand I also understand your sister. If she just wants to enjoy her baby (however unprepared/delulu she may be) you projecting your life experience on her is quite the killjoy. That might be causing some strain on her side.
Anyhow: I hope she informs mom soon, so you guys can have a meaningful conversation about this as a family. holy shit this is going to be quite the ride. Best of luck to you all.
NTA, 16 and pregnant made it look cool to have a kid, well done MTV! I think you should absolutely tell her directly! BECAUSE she’s going to screw up her life AND your parents. They’ll be the ones left holding it all up.
You didn’t shame her or demand anything, you encouraged her to think through her options, which is what any loving sibling would do when they see someone they care about stepping into a life-altering situation. You’ve lived the reality she’s romanticizing, and you’re trying to protect her from hardship, not rob her of joy.
I mean, I got pregnant at a super young age. I had never had a good job and lived with my mother. My family supported me. My big wake up moment was when my mom told me “your daughter will look to you as an example of how to be as a woman. You want to set her up for success.” I applied to nursing school after that and finally left her dad, who was horrible to me. If she wants to keep her baby then the best thing to do for her is encourage her to be the best parent and person she can be to set a positive example for her child. Sounds like she had already considered the options when she told you and is already set to keep her baby. She needs positive encouragement now to be a good mom and a positive example
NTA she sounds too young and immature to have a child. Someone really needs to get into her head how difficult and expensive children are. If you read through the regretful parents sub there are a lot of people who were too naive about it and to find they regret having their children.
NAH, but if you haven’t POed your sister to the point where she’s not talking to you, you should sit her down (soon) and go through, step by step, what it would take to bear this child and take care of it. Walk through the expenses, the time spent, where your mom fits into this (and if this obligates your mom to go on baby duty, she should be told ASAP). If you’re not willing to babysit, make sure that’s also crystal clear to your sister.
BF of 2 months is an unknown, and therefore no assumptions should be made about his being involved at all. All plans should assume he won’t be in the picture or even be able to pay child support.
If you go through these things to plan what a baby would mean, she might come to the conclusion herself that she would want to terminate. Her body her choice, and all that. But she should also understand that she shouldn’t assume her BF, her mom, or you would be able to fill the money and time gaps.
She should not have a baby with a guy she just met especially a 20 y/o. This kid is not ready to be a dad.
No. But if she chooses to keep a baby, love it like any family member would. Be the best auntie you can be without sacrificing your sanity. Never mention abortion and never consider reminding her of that option again.
You gave her options. She may choose abortion or adoption. Support any decision she makes
Never apologize for giving her the option, though. You are a good sister.
It really isn’t something to celebrate under the circumstances. NTA
NTA. There is no reason to be excited for the situation your sister has gotten herself into. You were much more diplomatic with your sister than I would have been.
You could also remind her that her current situation isn’t ideal to bring up a child in. Especially if you want to try and give that child a better life than you had.
NTA. Someone needed to say it to her. It would be selfish to bring a child into those circumstances.
I remember when I was 7 when my mom had my younger sister and sometimes I wish she never did. I know that sounds really fucked up, but I knew at a young age that my mother wasn’t in any condition to raise another kid, especially with as a DV survivor in the midst of a heroin addiction. Sure, a piece of me was sulking for not being the baby anymore as well, but I understood at that age that things were going to get even tighter. I was right. Eventually we were taken from and given to a terrible family member that went on to split us up. My sister ended up experiencing a lot of trauma. She’s very smart and gifted, but unfortunately she fell into the wrong crowd and started to get into drugs herself. She’s been in and out of prison and caught up in the system because of it. The last time I saw her was 9 years ago at my mother’s funeral. She was incarcerated but they allowed her to attend with a chaperone who was always within 5 feet of her. The shit was sad.
I know that is an extreme example, but decisions like that can set the course of people’s live. God forbid something happens to your parents and then what? She needs to learn how to take care of herself first before she can take care of a kid.
YTA. The whole of it being a choice, is it being the individuals (the pregnant woman’s) choice. If they aren’t asking for advice, keep it to yourself. You don’t have to agree with it, but its her life and she gets to do with it as she wants.
Or she could give it up
NTA. Also in regards to not telling your mom, if it looks like she’s gonna keep the baby or she says she will and still doesn’t tell your mother then you need to. If you are living with someone and you’re about to have a kid you need to tell them. I know if I was the mother and my 23 year old kid who was still living with me decided to bring a baby in the house without saying anything I’d kick them out no hesitation.
NTA I think you also need to be careful about saying “you’ll help” she sounds delusional and completely unaware for what her life will be. When reality hits she may see your words as you being another parent.
She’s just so ignorant and unfortunately by the time she figures it out and her boyfriend dips out, your poor mom is going to be holding the bag/baby.
If she thinks this is smart then she needs to be enough of an adult to tell your Mom and move out.
NTA
We sane people have really let the anti-choicers run the show. The actual reality is that moms and their families are better off when they get to choose the timing.
Tell anyone who goes all gooey about this particular collection of cells to go to Antarctica and rescue an orphaned emporer penguin chick.
Did she ask for your opinion or did you just volunteeer it ?! You’re projecting your fears and anxiety onto her moment of joy and happiness. This has more to do with who you are than the situation she finds herself…. You’re selfish.
NTA but I can also see why your sister would be upset by your reaction. I’m 15 years older than my sister and she got pregnant at 19 with the guy that is now her husband. I was concerned but my sister is pretty disciplined when it comes to money (even more than I am) and they were living with my mom who was also happy for them so I was happy too. Unfortunately my sister developed severe and sudden preeclampsia at 33 weeks and her son was stillborn. That was 6 years ago and my sister and BIL are married and have an almost 3 year old son and they just bought a house with my mom (which is actually a slow moving train wreck but that’s another story). I certainly understand your concerns but I don’t really think that was the time for anything but being happy for your sister. It’s hard to not always be the big sister, I literally helped raise my sister, and my sister has made a few decisions I don’t agree with but unless she’s expecting you to help raise this baby the appropriate response would have been to share her excitement with her.
YTA. Telling her to “consider her options” is absolutely a thinly veiled tip of the hat to her that you think she should get an abortion.
Poor, unprepared, and uneducated people have kids all the time. Some of them suck at being parents and some of them rise to the occasion. Just like people “with means”.
She might be your little sister and she might make poor choices (in your opinion) but she’s an adult woman with her own bodily autonomy and deserves to be treated as such. This isn’t a judgement you have any right to make. If you aren’t happy for her, whatever, but don’t bring her down, too.
With respect, is it possible that your own situation right now is maybe clouding your feelings towards her?
Yes
My brother in law suggested that to my wife after we were newly married and having issues. I hate his guts just as much today 23 years later (still married)
If I was a baby doomed for a life of pain and toil, I would happily opt out and give my younger sibling the chance to be born instead. Who wouldn’t give up their crappy life with a young single mum, to give their baby sister the chance to exist instead and be born into a stable loving family.
NTA. Sister needs a lot of help, because she’s not going to get by on her own.
NTA. I told mine to have one in our 30s… love my nephew, but years later the same red flags in the relationship with baby daddy are still there, if not worse. My nephew deserves better than to spend his brain development years listening to all the yelling.
NTA- no i don’t jump for joy when someone who can’t even support themself decides to have a baby. Babies aren’t dolls FFS!
YTA.
Your sister is foolish. NTA. Ask for her budget. Tell her you won’t be helping her. If she’s planning to ask your mom for help raising the child, then your mom deserves to know immediately before it’s too late to have an abortion.
NTA
Yes You are. Not surprised you are about to be divorced.
NTA. Gotta keep it real with the ones we love. You didn’t shame her or guilt her. You told her she had options, and that she should consider them.
NTA
Your sister will have a welfare baby. Perhaps she is on your mother’s health insurance? I hope so. She will be a STAH mother and your mother will do the hard stuff. Please tell your mother. Better your sister be angry than your poor mother.
YTA
SHE is excited to be pregnant, have a baby, and be a mom…and YOU tell her to have an abortion and how much you hate your life and being a mom
What an absolute piece of shit
YTA, my mom had me at 17 and I appreciate her not aborting me.
YTA. People need to mind their own fing business. Who put you in charge of her life? Maybe you can take it upon yourself to plan her diet and control her finances next.
Do you always encourage people to murder their children? Or just when it’s your niece or nephew?
NTA,
YOU were offering options after she got pregnant with I am guessing a chronically unemployed idiot who likely has a string of other pregnant girls in his history.
Not at all.
NTA
NTA. People shouldn’t have kids when they aren’t even able to support themselves independently.
Sit your sister down and have an honest conversation with her about expenses. Tell her how much it costs you for your child on a monthly basis, health care, food, clothes, etc. and that’s on top of her own expenses. Ask her how much she is currently earning, how much she can save in the next 7 months, talk about start up costs for a baby, list things she will need and costs. Work out how long her savings will get her off work. Talk about childcare costs when she returns to work.
Tell her you want to support her in whatever decision she makes but if she chooses to be a mother she needs to step up and take on adult responsibilities and planning. That while everyone will help ultimately it’s all going to be on her.
No you did the right thing, she needed to hear the truth. She can’t have a child at this stage of life.
so you think the only “options” for her is abortion? why not show her ways to get help, why jump straight to abortion?
Yes. Adopt out the baby. Please. Your sister could come live with me. Please don’t kill the baby.
Telling someone they should kill their kid because your life is hard by definition makes you the asshole.
Yes you are one. You got in the middle of a couple plus if your son ever learns of it he will feel unwanted.
YTA: it’s a baby, not an “option”.
Abortion is probably the best course for 90% of people, but ignorance will win 99% of the time.
Religion/any delusional belief usually accounts for the difference 100% of the time.
It’s a lose lose unfortunately.
And the reality is it will force you to go on defense because being this close of a family member you would still be hit by the AoE as you’re already aware of.
Best to say what you have to say and distance yourself from the attack 🤷♂️
I don’t think killing her unborn child is the best advice, speaking as someone who was urged to get an abortion when I was 22 unwed woman facing the same circumstances.
My son is now 24 and such an amazing human. I am so thankful that I had him.
You low key the A. Your train of thought is very materialistic. Not everyone’s life goes the same way. You don’t know how your mom will react, it’s also her grandson/daughter as much as it’s your niece you low key suggested to get aborted. Your sister will remember that. Some people mature when they feel the crushing obligations and they have some very amazing changes. Hope this happens with your sister. You are older but how would you have felt if your sister low key told you to abort when you got pregnant? Yeah you got your things in more order but is that to mean that a person who doesn’t have a degree or life figured out doesn’t deserve to have kids?
Some kids born in wealth got no love, some kids that grow loved by their parents have no wealth. Is any of them worth less than the other?
As long as you sister gets her act together just be supportive.
NTA
You aren’t excited for her.
You are anxious for her to live this reality.
You aren’t telling her that. You aren’t harping on her. You aren’t pressuring her. You aren’t overstepping with orders. You didn’t yell at her or anything crazy.
You simply let her know she had options, she should consider them all. It’s a big thing.
You let her know you are there. In saying it you were letting her see you’d be supportive if she looked at those options.
Then you took a step back, knowing she heard you, and left her to it.
The way you approached it was
very reasonable, Responsible, Respectful…. within a very hard conversation.
I’ve seen horror stories of people on here approaching it like an AH. From what you say, you were far from it.
Single parenting is incredibly hard. NTA.
I just wanted to add that countless women have regretted getting an abortion—there are numerous support groups out there if you doubt this.
That said, I’ve never met or heard of a single woman who chose to have her baby and give it up for adoption, only to later regret that path and wish she’d aborted instead. Any regret in those cases typically stems from the choice to place the baby for adoption rather than keeping and raising it themselves.
Time to get out the calculator and add up a year of diapers and formula and doctor visits etc. she has no idea
Absolutely NTA. All of the things that you are concerned about are harsh realities that you’re trying to get her to see before she makes a life altering decision that she isn’t even almost ready for.
No.