So I’m a 35m husband to my wife 35f of 12 years. She’s very attractive and I’d say I’m on par if not slightly less attractive than she is, physically speaking. Here’s the problem, my wife is extremely outgoing, she’s volunteering for everything at work and extracurricular activities. She’s part of several beer leagues for hockey and softball. She has tons of fun with both the men and women she hangs out with.
Now enter me, I’m admittedly as boring as they come. I have no hobbies or past times (that are exciting anyway). My wife says she loves me and I believe her, but how can she love someone as boring as me, she doesn’t have as much fun when she’s alone with me vs some of her beer league or even co worker friends.
We got married young and likely didn’t know much about this stuff at that age, my question is, I feel like I want my wife to spend the rest of her life with someone whose fun and matches her energy. I’m boring and feel like I’m holding her down from her true potential and living life to the fullest.
Im considering leaving my wife so she can live a better life. As much as it would hurt me to leave her, I want the best for her
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BROOO!!!!! You don’t need to leave her! You just need to find some hobbies, ya silly goose! And then the two of you need to find some hobbies together! You’re holding her down with your limiting beliefs, not because of who you are at your core!
Why not do the fun things with her? It sounds like your self esteem is in the gutter. Do you have any hobbies or passions?
Go see a therapist. You are comparing yourself to them way too much. She didn’t marry any of the friends she hangs out with, just you. She was not forced into it. If she’s as outgoing as you say she is, she could have easily gotten with someone as outgoing as her. She did not do that because it’s not what she wants. You have to be confident in yourself
Are YOU bored? If so, find one new extracurricular if you want-even a “boring”one, just to shift your own focus.
Or accept the fact that she IS happy with you. That she loves coming home to a steady, predictable, quiet, peaceful home. (And husband.) Don’t conjure a problem.
Another rage bait
Some people out there, myself included, don’t expect your romantic partner to fulfill all your needs, every minute of every day. Sounds like your wife is one of those.
She goes out for her fun activities and then she comes home to you. She’s happy. Don’t leave her because you think you know what she needs better than she knows herself.
I think you should leave her- she sounds like a pretty outgoing person and you refer to her online as “moderately attractive” so… I’m sure she’s better off with someone who appreciates her for who she is and isn’t superficial and more worried about being exciting than being a decent husband. Lol.
I feel the same way about my relationship but I’ve come to learn my interests arernt hers and I’m filling a spot she wants filled as so is she. My jobs to provide care love protect and respect. We’re free to live our lives within those means.
Therapy asap! You’re not in your right mind, and you’re not seeing yourself clearly.
Being boring (probably not true) is also an easy thing to fix, do different hobbies, read more books, go to middle of nowhere places and meet the locals.
Chin up bro, don’t let this pull your life apart.
Get off Reddit and go join her on some of these activities.
It’s pretty insulting that you’re wanting to make decisions for her instead of trusting that she’s a competent adult who knows what’s best for her life
Self sabotage.
Did you ever consider you might be a place where she feels safe to rest? If she feels like she needs to be on the go every but with you then it stands to reason she can be at ease with you. Something everyone needs.
“moderately attractive” eh? What a lucky lady she is to be with you
Boring equals stable. She probably LIKES that in you!! Just accept a good thing man. You’re already good enough!
Please don’t describe your wife to her face as moderately attractive lol.
When my late husband and I got together, he had pretty low self esteem when it came to women. I, however, thought he was cute, sexy and very attractive. The words moderately attractive never entered my mind. What I did do though, is let him know constantly, how wonderful, amazing and attractive he was to me. When we first got together, we didn’t have many of the same hobbies, but what we really liked, was doing things, and trying new things together. I’m pretty sure if you start letting your wife know how attractive she is to you, and if you start trying new experiences together, you’ll find that you’ll be spending some amazing times together. You don’t have to do everything together, for instance, he was a hunter and I’m a lifelong vegetarian, so hunting was a big nope for me, but we found lots of things we loved doing together. He loved to play golf, and even though I sucked at it, I still walked the course with him, and made sure he always had a cold beer when he wanted it. The same thing with bowling, I was great at cheering him on, and keeping score, but due to an arm injury, I couldn’t play. Once again though, I always made sure he had cold beer and snacks while he played. I was always his biggest cheerleader, and he was always mine, we just made sure to devote plenty of time together, because that’s what a true marriage is all about.
Please start talking with your wife more, do you even know her likes and dislikes? I’d be willing to bet she knows more about yours than you do about hers. Marriage takes time and commitment to a partnership, and like I said previously, the words moderately attractive should never ever enter your mind.
Don’t leave her—just let her have friends and maybe hookup with other people
Opposites attract. It works for both of you. Why try to fix something that ain’t broken.
I think you need to work on your confidence. Your wife picked you for a reason, so you must have some good qualities. You don’t need to always match her social energy, most couples that I know the partners are different levels of outgoing, and that’s okay. Trust your wife that she loves you and wants to be with you. If you want to be more outgoing or want to have more hobbies, you certainly can work on that. But, I think you should see a therapist about self-confidence and trust issues.
Do some psychedelics and find yourself
Ugh when I read books or watch movies where the love interest makes decisions for the person they love thereby taking away their agency, I hate it and think that they are the worst!!!!! Don’t be that character op.
Has she said she finds you boring? Maybe you’re the quiet peace at the end of an action packed day? Extroverts need quiet, intimate time too.
It seems like you feel bad about yourself and you’re projecting all that mental confusion on to her. Also divorcing her is an extremely complicated solution to a problem that could be resolved with a simple conversation.
Comparison is the thief of joy. Humans have many different needs. She may be an extrovert, but that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t value having her introverted rock to come home to. Talk to her and tell her what you need from your relationship. I’ll bet anything she’d like to give that to you.
“I’m considering leaving my wife so she can live a better life”
Am I missing something? Or has OP left a large European country worth of context out of this post?
OP are you scared that your wife will eventually cheat, so you want to run away before this happens? Or
Do you think she’s already cheated and you don’t want to confront it?
Whatever the case is, it’s clear you guys don’t talk as you have absolutely no idea why your wife is with you.
I can recommend you guys play some games when you’re together…..for example
Sit on the floor (or bed) facing each other (very close, almost touching)
You then stare at each other in the eyes and take turns tracing the outline of your partner’s body as close as you can without touching. I always sucked at this and always lost (iykyk)
You can also add into this telling your partner what you like about them.
An alternative is you are free to touch your partner in any way you desire. The goal is that they can’t not acknowledge or react to your touch. Works really well if you’re naked or in loose clothing.
The goal here is for you and the wife to build intimacy, communication and trust. Without which your marriage will eventually implode.
You are going to divorce your wife for a problem that’s literally one you just made up in your own head?
Unless your wife has actually said she finds you boring, then don’t decide for her that she does. You have no evidence for that at all.
Not everyone who is outgoing wants to have a partner who has the same energy. Two people like that could easily just exhaust each other, it’s not all about energy!
You need some help for yourself. Your confidence and self-esteem must be rock bottom to think like this, you should definitely work on it.
Are you kind? Faithful? Loving? Letting her know you care for her with all your heart and soul?
That’s about as “ unboring” as anyone can be, and it sounds as though you’re an introvert. Which is a normal perspective, not an affliction!
How about asking your wife what new activities she’d like to try, that the two of you can enjoy together. Would she perhaps like to take a dance class with you? Play mini golf? Go bowling? Travel somewhere she’s never been? Go on a picnic, walk on the beach, attend a community festival, maybe volunteer together to assist at an event both of you really enjoy? (We have a 5K run in our area that always struck me as a fun volunteer opportunity but this is up to you!)
There are all kinds of ways to have fun, and she chose you to share her life.
Are you content with your life, is she content with you.
If there are no complaints why try to find non-existent ones.
Why not just ask her if she is happy? Not with you, but just happy?
If she is, and you are, job done. We don’t all have to be out there windsurfing every weekend and scaling a rock wall.
I’m entering a phase of, I can’t be arsed with stuff, love being home and chilling out. I do like to do things, but not gonna just do things for the sake of doing them.
I mean…What things do you actually do? Are you just sitting around on the sofa all weekend?
If you feel boring, then change it. Simple. Don’t moan about stuff if your not willing to change it.
That escalated quickly
Definitely get some hobbies and work on your confidence. Don’t be a self fulfilling prophecy
You are sabotising yourself.
Look man I’ve been like you before, ready to self sabotage relationships, but the truth is whatever bothers you about her (her lifestyle, hobbies, social circle) you can build yourself that too so that you don’t feel insecure. Think of it as like “ok she has this, this and this in her life, that I wish I had”, “so let’s go and get it for myself, instead of breaking up” you’ll feel much better. Maybe your SO is not into a person who is similar to her.