Using a throwaway since this post contains a lot of specific information.
My husband (33M) and I (41F) have been together for 7 years, married for 4. We have a 2-year old. Up until recently we were both working full-time – he made $140k a year, I made $90k. Our toddler was in daycare for 6.5 hours a day and outside of that I was the primary caregiver (although he was also a fairly involved parent). I also did more housework, but I guess I tried to justify it by saying that he made more money than I did and I had a flexible schedule. Also he has very severe ADHD (even with medication) so he’s not the most productive person on a day-to-day basis.
Then in April, two things happened – I got pregnant, and he got laid off. My pregnancy is very high-risk – before we had our toddler we actually lost a pregnancy in the third trimester and I almost died because I developed severe preeclampsia and it didn’t get caught in time. So now there are lots of tests + doctor’s appointments (none of which he goes with me to, BTW). Plus I have a lot of pregnancy symptoms – for example I am still puking, midway through the second trimester.
So things are tough, but my main beef with my husband is that he’s not trying very hard to look for jobs, and also doesn’t want to do all of the childcare. Some weeks he applies to 1-2 jobs, some weeks he doesn’t apply to any at all. I know the job market is tough, but he has an advanced degree and was making six-figures before the layoff. He calls himself a stay-at-home dad, but our toddler is still in daycare for most of the day while I continue to work full-time (and pay all of our bills). He does now do the majority of the housework and the babycare in our household, but I still do some of it. Plus he is always complaining about how “tired” and “sick” and “burnt out” he is, and I feel like he keeps trying to pass our toddler off to me during evenings and weekends, when I really need a break after working all week.
It finally got to the point where I said I thought our toddler should stay in daycare full-time (which would be 8+ hours instead of the 6.5 hours a day she is in daycare now), and of course he agreed. I just feel like I can’t risk my job or my health to care for her as much as my husband wants me to, so I’ve got to put her in daycare for as long as possible. But it makes me sad and resentful that she has a parent who’s not working and we are increasing her hours in daycare.
I know everyone is going to say “just kick him out and divorce him” but I don’t have a lot of support – friends and family are unavailable and / or live far away. So I do depend on him to do chores and childcare for our household. Having him here is cheaper than hiring an evening and weekend nanny. I guess I’m just wondering if there is anything I can do short of divorce? Is there anything I haven’t thought of that would get him to either 1) Work harder at looking for jobs or 2) Stop trying to pass our toddler off to me so much when she’s at home?
Edited to add: Our childcare is subsidized through my work, and is only about 1k per month. It is also really competitive, so if we pull her out and he does get a job we won’t be able to put her back in. Plus my fear is that he will take care of her during the day and then pass her off to me as soon as I get home (right now he does do the majority of the evening childcare since she is in daycare during the day).
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Tell him its ok to be a SAHH and End the daycare TODAY. He will get a job faster you can unload your dishwasher.
If he is staying at home all day then there is no need for daycare.
Cancel the daycare and save that money for something else. Housework and childcare will be his job at home unless and until he gets a job.
Why is he staying at home while the child is in daycare? Is he not a functioning adult?
Yea tell him if he isn’t getting a job then there’s no need for daycare.
He can do the SAHD dance them. Keep the childcare spot as back up lol
Okay there’s two sides to this.
First, I’d bet money he’s depressed. The symptoms match. Always feels tired, sick, burnt out, but no amount of rest fixes it. That’s depression.
I’d suggest encourage him to get into counseling. Best course of action is tell him the money would help, but you just want him to be doing something that moves the family forward. That could be applying to jobs, or it could be working on himself like therapy, because if he’s not doing well then he can’t help the family and you want him to be healthy. So you’re okay with him staying at home, as long as he attends therapy sessions at least once a week.
Second, all your feelings are 100% valid. He’s dumping the entire financial load on you, which isn’t cool. It’s good though that he’s doing housework- that actually lends some validity to the ‘SAHD’ bit. Most people in this place claim themself as a stay at home parent, but then don’t lift a finger to do stuff.
That said, if he’s passing off the toddler, that punctures the SAHD bit.
So maybe the play is set a boundary with him- if he’s a SAHD then he has to lean into it- that means he is primary responsible for the toddler ESPECIALLY when you are at home, because you are tired after a long work day. If he’s going to be a SAHD then his task is to keep the house clean and be first in line for ALL child related tasks- you will take the kid for some of the time but that will be your choice to take the kid not his to dump the kid on you. His ‘break time’ is during the day when kid is at day care.
If he found another higher earning job, would you want to be a stay at home mom instead? Maybe tell him he needs to get a job now so you can stay home with your child if that’s what you want to do. If you threaten to quit your job, that might light a fire under him to step up more.
Does your husband not understand that you are in the midst of a high-risk pregnancy, and that you are quite ill, and it is very difficult for you to work full-time? And that it’s not possible for you to work full-time and also have so many responsibilities at home? If he doesn’t, you and your doctors need to tell him. Take him to your next couple of appointments, and let your doctors tell him about your physical state and limitations.
My husband was depressed like this and off work (I was also high risk pregnant with second on bedrest). In the end, I got his parents to frog-march him to the doctor to start antidepressants (he refused my help). It’s now 4 years down the line and life is still tough, but that was definitely the turning point.
You’re paying for daycare and he’s home? Thats ridiculous
Have him meet with headhunters they will look for jobs at that level for him and push him
It’s like hiring a real estate agent to seek your house