Legal break ups and honour culture ruining my life

Hi. This will be a long dramatic story and I just really feel like I am suffocating with it on my chest. So you guys will be my audience for today, strap in <3

I (25F) feel like being born into the family that I was is ruining my chance at happiness.
So a bit of background, my family is so extreme with the “honour” talk and belief. I have been fed that shit since I was a child. I continue to hear it and eat shit thanks to it. The physical, mental, emotional, and psychological abuse has been exhausting to say the least.
Their entire mentality is disgusting and is the reason I am spiralling.

Let me tell you guys what recently happened that prompted this entire thought process though.

So I was seeing this guy (22M), he was a great guy, really. Our communication was amazing, we were able to fix any issues quickly with just a conversation, both were willing to compromise so it just worked well. It was THE healthiest relationship I had. I met his sisters and they were incredible. I spoke to him about my family being abusive in every way possible and he said we will figure it out together. I started to believe there was hope for happiness for me at last.

Let’s rewind to Saturday. I was given a plushie with his perfume sprayed on it for memories since he was travelling soon. My little brother (19M), who I normally never see by the way, happened to come into my room and look into what I brought home with me from “work”. He found the plushie, smelled the male cologne on it, and demanded answers. Long story short, he found out about the guy I was seeing and wanted to meet him. I spoke to the guy I was seeing and he agreed. I warned him about my little brother a lot but he seemed to not take it too seriously despite me having a breakdown about it. This is probably normal since he is not around psychotic people like I am.

Anyhow, my little brother takes my car and picks up the guy, then picks me up. Everything was going perfectly initially. We went to a Japanese café, then went to sit at the beach when it got dark. Once it was time to go home, I hugged my little brother and told him “thank you, I appreciate you being in my life”. And I wish I lost my arms before I ever did that. Because the events that followed destroyed everything.

My little brother looks at the guy I was seeing and says “So you’re a good guy, today was a good day, and I hope you continue to make it go well. I have one request for you to fulfil. Unlock your phone and give it to me”. Now keep in mind, something I did not mention is that he tried to go through my phone and our chat when he found out about him. I deleted everything because it would get me in a lot of trouble. I warned the guy I was seeing about this being a probable possibility but again, I guess he did not take it too seriously. So he says “I am not comfortable doing that, this is my own privacy”.

My little brother looks at him and asks “Are you going to stick with that as a final decision?”, and after a few seconds on silence, he pulls out a pocket knife. To save you from the agony of reading through this, I will summarise the whole ordeal here. Through lots of screaming from me and panic attacks, the gathering of people around us due to it, and the entire chaotic situation no one got stabbed. But the guy I was seeing ended up with a busted lip, had his phone taken by my brother, and I was forced into the car by my brother as the cops were on their way after a girl that saw the scene called them.

My little brother being the psychotic individual he is, was having a breakdown in the car because he could not believe I would threaten him by saying I would call the cops or scream loud enough to gather people. I am panicking the entire time as I already got hit once by him during the whole ordeal. We get to my other brother’s apartment, I like to call him my “older” brother for simplicity’s sake but he is still younger than me (23M). He was not home yet, but his wife was. The moment we walk in, my little brother smacks me once, hard enough to knock me out for four minutes. The story I was told is I had convulsions and woke up screaming. I also ended up with one hell of a black eye and a bruised cheek.

I will spare you the drama of it all, my parents and older brother came home. I did not get hurt any more than that. My older brother took the guy’s phone and went to drop it off to him. He also got him medication for his busted lip and took him to the station to file a report regarding his passport which he lost during the fight. The guy ended up reporting everything to the police, and nothing really came out of it. They said my little brother was “protecting” me and I was told to remember the hit I got as a “lesson for the rest of my life”. The guy and I had to signed what is basically a forced restraining order against each other, where we are legally not allowed to be in contact anymore at all. One of the things he spoke about was how despite everything being perfect between us, even if we could talk again, it would lead no where because he would not put his family in danger. Which is rightfully so, I am not arguing that.

I am just… heartbroken. This is the worst that anyone I was seeing was impacted by my family. But this is not the first time I heard that line. Everyone says the same thing. “You are emotionally mature, easy to communicate with, kind and sweet, you showed me what love truly means and I will always be grateful for you for that. But.. I can’t be with you because of the family you have”.

I am sick and tired of hearing this. I am sick and tired of only being good memory in everyone’s life. I am sick and tired of people promising they can handle this and for me to believe it only for it to be proven otherwise. I am sick and tired of being a beautiful lesson in everyone’s lives. I am tired. I am so tired. I can’t do this y’all.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I came to this realisation that I can never be happy for as long as I exist around my family. But I also can’t let go of them, I have a little sister who is special needs. I can’t just leave her. I can’t do this to her. But I can’t keep doing this to myself. I am so tired. I am so tired. I am so tired. I want to cry. I can’t do this.

I feel like I am hopeless. I have been wondering why did god choose this for me. I swear I worked so hard to become a good person because I wanted a good life. I worked through my trauma bit by bit to make sure I can be a good partner with a happy relationship some day. I did so much. It was so hard. But it’s all for nothing. Because no matter what I do, I can’t escape the fact that I have the family that I do. And there is nothing for me to do about it. Nothing at all. It feels completely dull and hopeless.

I don’t know what I am expecting by posting this, but I just genuinely want to disappear. I am not at risk of hurting myself or anything. So please don’t worry about that. I just feel so alone. I feel like no one will ever understand. I feel like I was born to be a good thing in people’s lives, but that’s the limit of it all. I was not born to be happy. I was not born to feel fulfilled. I was born to get hurt over and over and over again due to things that are out of my control. I mean what other option do I have?? Have a random arranged marriage with some fuckass person who I don’t love?? Is that the only happiness I deserve??? TRYING to love someone who I ended up yet did not choose? It’s not like I would be forced to marry anyone don’t get me wrong. But if I ask my parents to find someone for me, I can tell you with almost full certainty that I will not be able to get along with him. And I will live my life, much like I am living it right now: Controlled. I need help. I so desperately need it. But there is no one that can help me.

I am unsure how to end this because I could go on forever. But if you made it this far, thank you for listening. I appreciate you. Much love.