That’s about it, now when I get stuff I clutch it to my chest like gollum. I had to share everything even my birthday. My sister had to get gifts on my birthday or she’d cry nonstop. My dad would go into our shared room and take my books and plushies and give them to my brothers to draw on and destroy. I was also forced to parent them too as a fun bonus as the oldest daughter.
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wow, that sounds really tough. growing up with boundaries constantly crossed can definitely impact how you view ownership. it’s totally okay to set boundaries now and reclaim your space. sometimes, learning about personal boundaries and self-care can help undo some of those patterns. it’s perfectly fine to want things for yourself and not feel guilty about it. therapy or self-reflection might help in understanding and unpacking those feelings too. wishing you healing and peace.
it’s tough, being the default caregiver, no space for personal boundaries. reclaim your space, it’s okay to prioritize your needs now. healing takes time, but it’s worth it.
I can understand oldest daughter of 6. One severely handicapped. I was not always a good parent to my youngest sibs. I feel awful about that. My brothers got to ruin, steal, and wreck my stuff.
This, but food.
I am not able to gobble down food like a feral dog and I don’t want to. But I grew up where the good food would be taken quickly and I would get very little or none.
I hate going to dinner and sharing food with people who eat too fast and will eat until it’s gone (as opposed to eating “their half”).
No good fix. Now I hoarde food. Or hide it.
this is why I left my entire extended family at 17 and never looked back, I am 49 now. I still enjoy coming home to a dark and empty house. My stuff still in place, not suddenly gone or suddenly broken. I guard my peace, privacy and quiet like a gremlin and turn into total psychopath to protect it (and I am not even joking)
And then people say being an only child is sad and having sibling is a blessing lol
I’m sorry you had to go though this OP. I read in another comment of yours that you feel guilty when you have trouble sharing with your husband but this is only trauma response. You’re allowed to have your own things too.
You get to set your own boundaries now. It is okay that some things are just yours.
You don’t need to be greedy
You are not greedy. You are an adult who works hard for what she has and is protective of all she’s earned.
My mom used to go through my things. She would “clean” my room and throw out things she decided were garbage. I had my friend’s birthday present go missing one year, I had hidden it in a trunk in my room, wrapped up in a plastic grocery bag. It disappeared. She threw it out, and would never admit it since we were never able to find it. My whole family would make fun of things I had up on my walls.
Was with my ex for 13 years, and he would regularly give s*** of mine away. I would come home to find plants dug up, to find board games I had bought missing, to find him making fun of the video games that I used to play.
I currently live alone. I still really struggle to have things up on the walls. I really want to have a vision board up, but I’m really scared of anybody seeing it, even though I don’t have company over anyway. My brother comes over Sundays for a few hours and that’s it. I struggled to get back into things I enjoyed doing after I left my ex, a friend of mine bought me a switch so I kind of eased into it that way, I’ve since expanded out to a Playstation 5. I’ve always wanted to keep a journal again, but I still can’t shake the fact that my mom used to go through mine and read it. I’ve tried online ones, it’s not the same, there’s just something better about actually physically writing something down.
What does long winded answer is trying to say is I completely understand. And I think it’s a normal reaction, and I think you’ll work through it after a few years of realizing that your things are secure now.
God I hate parents forcing their kids to share things like that.
There were 5 girls in our family, and we had to share socks and underwear. It was rough changing for gym when you were too slow in the morning and ended up with the pair with a hole on the butt.
My adult years were spent on an obsession with having my own socks and underwear. At one point, I had over 100 pairs of each. I’m getting better, though, as I haven’t had the compulsion to buy them in mass quantities over the last few years.
Shitty parents create messed up adults. It’s a story as old as time, and as those messed up adults , we now have to work through it and find our own ways to cope and also hopefully learn how to give our own kids better.
My ex grew up with food insecurity because she had a dad who ate for two and three other siblings. It messed her up.
I am suuuuper possessive of my stuff, too. There also was no “mine” for me as a child.
Which leads to me hoarding stuff and having trouble throwing things away. But I’m working on that part
This is why I get stabby when people eat off my plate uninvited.
Enjoying the things that are just yours isn’t a bad thing. Sometimes it gives you more appreciation for what you have now.
It’s only a problem if your “greed” is causing undue issues or conflict or it’s escalating in other unhealthy ways.
Not to prescribe catastrophe, but trauma like this is sometimes how things like hoarding start. I would seek therapy if you start having problems letting go of things or it’s having negative effects on your life.
I’m not greedy but, some intense trauma in that area from my teen years definitely makes me nuttier than your average bear about people taking my stuff or even just moving it. I’ll gladly share anything with anyone if it’ll help them. I can’t handle it when people touch my stuff without asking first, though.
It’s a running joke with my friends that I hate sharing (because I do). Grew up with 5 siblings. I keep it in check enough to be respectful of others, but the way I see it, I have done more than enough sharing for one lifetime. It’s someone else’s turn.
I come from a family that is very big on the whole ‘family helps family’ thing. The problem with this is that it often feels like I’m the one helping and when I need help it’s either crickets or their ‘help’ makes everything harder and it comes with huge strings attached. I stopped asking for help a long time ago because it’s easier on my own.
I was the middle kid expected to act like the oldest and care for my insane abusive sister because my Mom didn’t want to deal with her.
To this day I fucking hate the family