Howdy!
I(26f) recently left an 8 year relationship and entered the dating scene this summer, I’ve had numerous dates with some hits and some misses but overall have not seriously entered a relationship with these men.
I’ve been having discussions with coworkers and friends about these dates and their main complaint is that I pay for my half on the first date.
I’ve had some men who flat out refuse on me paying for my portion and it is nice, but I always felt awkward because I feel like I owe them. (It’s a weird thought process I have since I grew up in a household where if I do a favor you owe me—which I don’t condone)
Also I hate to be assuming that this guy will pay so I always have my wallet ready just in case.
Thoughts?
Comments
It is so tough. Seems many man take paying your own share as a sign you aren’t interested in seeing them again (no matter if you are or aren’t). Yet if you don’t then some might see you as a gold digger. Others seem to want to pay to have something on you (like it’s a debt you need to pay back).
I would prefer to pay for myself honestly. I guess doing what’s most comfortable for me will give a better chance of clicking with a potential partner who’s compatible in the long run.
I think a man paying on a first date is a weird and antiquated tradition tbh. I earn more than most men I date, sometimes double.
I feel strongly that one should always offer to split no matter the gender of the parties.
I always do as a woman who dates men.
I’m cool either way if they accept my offer or say please don’t worry about it. If it’s the latter, I will make sure to pick up the tab the next date if I want to see them again.
The only red flag is when a man makes a big show of his insistence and acts like the fact I’m offering to split is preposterous in and of itself or takes it as some sort of affront.
hey, it’s totally okay to pay for your portion if that’s what you’re comfortable with. it promotes equality and sets a precedent for mutual respect. gender norms are shifting, and more people are embracing shared financial responsibilities. it’s important to find a balance that feels right for both parties. if a partner insists on paying, a simple thank you and offering to cover the next outing can be a nice way to show appreciation without feeling indebted.
I strongly feel whoever invites you out on the date should pay, especially for a first date. And, it’s often the men that initiate this. Not to mention that women have so many extra costs in life in general and the gender wage gap is still a thing.
I always offer to spilt the bill and if I know I’m not gonna see him again, I will just ask the wait staff to give two separate checks, to avoid him refusing. If it’s at a coffee place or something, I will be there early to get my own drink.
There’s a lot of nuance and expectations around this. However:
My view, as a guy, is that if I asked someone out, I’ll treat them. If it’s a mutual agreement to go out, I’ll probably go with “you get the next one”
But I try to never make it awkward, regardless. (If a woman asked me out and wanted to pay, I’d do the “get the next one” the other way.)
In my country it’s pretty normal to pay for your stuff on dates. And I like it. Makes dating and relationships less transactional.
I always tried to pay for my half when I was dating (granted almost 20 years ago now) for the same reason of not wanting to owe them.
The last man I let pay for me was a second date where he insisted, then when I turned him down for a nightcap, he slammed his hands on the roof of my car and said “Come on, (name)!”
Anyway, if I’d had cash on me, I’d likely have thrown it at him, but I never returned any further calls.
And now all the money is mine because my husband can’t remember the bank or investment passwords. 😉
It’s been nearly 2 decades since I was single – I’m 48 – but I felt the exact same way about paying for myself as you do. I wanted zero misunderstandings or feelings that I owed anyone anything, EVER.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with insisting on paying for yourself. It’s not like you are going on a date for a free meal – er, unless you are… – you are there to see if this is someone you could potentially be compatible with. And for me that compatibility included establishing myself as independent and equal (and financially stable) from the get-go.
I always do personally. It’s my own choice, I just don’t like a stranger paying for me. If it’s our first date, I’m assuming he’s still in “stranger” category.
I pay at least for half at the first date. Mostly, I pay for all and then tell them that they can pay for the next time. This gives me space to think the date over and decide in peace if I truly want another date.
When I tell them that I want another date, the equality of alternating between paying is established.
When I tell them no, then no man can ever use the leverage of manipulation of “You owe me because I paid” ever again.
Alternating who pays doesn’t do shit with the rest of the sexist disrespect. But at least this part is out of the equation.
Theres a few ways to go about it.
Dont like him – split.
Like him – let him pay and you pay for the next one.
Offer to split – and let him decide how he wants to play it. (You can also use this interaction as an indicator on his style.
Personally, if I like you, there’s no way you’re paying for the date – but if you offer to pay for dessert or offer some sort of gesture afterwards, I’d know youre being genuine / might actually like me. I think of it like a dance.
I am married now but I never let a guy pay on the first date (or even subsequent ones) if I had doubts about him or if I was interested in him. Honestly I think it’s a weird concept to let an almost stranger pay for you. Because my “first dates” were people I were meeting for the first time form a dating site. I actually made sure I paid for myself – even if it meant asking for my individual check while he was in the bathroom or asking at the bar to pay my check while I got up to go to the bathroom.
I finally actually let my now husband pay on the first date – because he offered (basically insisted – said I could buy the next one if I wanted but it wasn’t expected). I let him pay because I was into him and didn’t want to send any signals that would say otherwise.
I ended up buying him a couple of drinks at the next place we went that night. It worked out and we moved in together about a year into the relationship and got married after 4 years (it was supposed to be 3 – but pandemic).
In the USA it’s a damned if you damned if you don’t. I like going Dutch, specially in the beginning.
When I was dating, I preferred a shorter, low stakes first meeting. For instance, meeting up for coffee and/or a walk.
After that, advance to dinners and discuss what works for both of you. Some people like splitting 50/50 or based on what they order. I personally like alternating who treats the other.
Would you feel embarrassed if he asked you for permission to pay? Like it came to the end and he said “I’d like to pay for this but I don’t want you to feel like you owe me or anything. I prefer to pay as it feels right to me.”
Would that feel wrong or awkward to you?
I think that should honestly be something discussed while planning first dates. “Should we each pay for our own food or go a perfect 50/50, or did you want to do something else?”
Or otherwise, I think the standard for dates before exclusivity should be whoever initiates the date pays.
for me first dates are about ritual. if you are interested in them romantically do not offer to pay, graciously accept their generosity. you are flattered, they feel complimented. this to me is not sexist, it is a social signal that you are interested. As long as it is honest you do not owe them anymore than follow through. In my experience the hard $$$ numbers even our as time goes on.
I wouldn’t let a stranger pay more than like $5 for me. It’s gross and perpetuates negative stereotypes about women
I’ll pay for it but that would be the last date lol
I too was raised feminist and think in an ideal world it should be 50/50. But here’s the thing: Men chase what they want and paying on the first date is one form of chasing. Suggesting the date and texting first are also chasing. So if you offer to pay, you’re sending him a signal not to chase you. I know this seems crazy but I have found that in the first few months, you gotta let them chase you if you want something serious or lasting. Once you’re in a relationship, go Dutch. Until then, let him buy dinner and you offer to buy dessert or the tip. After about date 3, offer to split it.
In my dating days I always tried to pay my portion on the first date. If there was resistance I offered to play Rock Paper Scissors for it. It made it seem more lighthearted but also made it clear I was fine paying.
I’ve been married 26 years so out of date, but as a dude I would just say “you ok if I get this?” Simple, and non aggressive. Probably 70/30 in favor of yes but gave an out.
I always offer to pay for myself and am more than happy to, but if they really want to, I will not insist.
Honestly my preference would be something like one of us buys movie tickets and the other one buys movie snacks (like popcorn and drinks). Or similarly someone buys the first round of drinks and someone buys the second. Approximately the same price but feels a bit more comfortable, and doesn’t sweat the small details.
I’m also happy to let them get it and “I’ll get the next one” but that obviously assumes that you actually want to go on a second date.
This is largely about personal preference, and compatibility.
I like first dates to be chill, low expectations “vibe checks”. Lots of women hate “low effort dates” but I like them a lot. If I don’t want to see you a second time after a chill chat, that’s the perfect waste of our time. If I do, let’s get gussied up and do something a bit more special.
I always tell people beforehand I like to pay for myself on first dates and get them to agree to this plan. I do NOT appreciate it when men don’t respect this. That’s the first and usually last red flag. Can’t keep agreements? Then we’re probably done here. For exactly the reason you got too: I don’t know them well enough yet to know they understand they are ONLY purchasing coffee or dinner and not something else. I don’t let men pay until I trust them a fair bit.
I never go on a date where I’m not prepared to pay for myself, if they suggested the location, and for us both if I did. The men I want to date, the ones that I’d be compatible with, are gonna be cool with that.
You can offer to pay the next time if you want to see each other again. I think a man offering to pay can mean care and good intentions, and that they aren’t emotionally stingy or scorekeeping, but it’s also nice to make it reciprocal. Also, if a woman asks the man out, she should pay.
I always pay for myself
I prefer that whoever does the asking expects to pay and is prepared for it. Usually on a first date I was asked out and my date paid, though I offered. Then, provided I wanted to see the person again, I would suggest the second date location and make it clear that would be my treat.
I like to start with something simple, like a coffee shop and maybe a half-hour, to see if we vibe with each other without having either a bunch of money or it’s going to be four hours for the evening and we don’t like each other. I get my own coffee and he gets his.
If we both are interested in another date, or extending this one, I have the money discussion then: “The way I learned it, the old rule is that the person who invites is the person who pays. The modern rule seems to be going Dutch, so nobody is on the hook for the expenses. Either one is fine with me, but we should get it clear so there are no misunderstandings.”
Some guys seem to feel insulted, some guys appreciate that I’m talking normally about a normal thing.
If the guy says he wants the “person who invites pays” rule, then I make sure that sometimes I’m the one who invites, so it’s not always him paying for everything.
I started doing this because of something my Dad used to tell me, that oftentimes something is only a big deal if you make it a big deal. If you treat it like a small normal thing that needs sorting out, and then move on, it’ll seem like a small normal thing.
Take this with a grain of salt, as I am a fairly gay woman and have kind of bitchy standards when it comes to hetero affairs (terrible standards for lesbians but that’s a tale for another day), but I have dated men in the past: I don’t pay on dates with men. Caveat being if I were the one to ask out/set up the date, but since that has never happened, I’ve never paid. If someone wants to take up several hours of my time, especially in this modern dating climate where they are talking to 9 other women and expecting sex from most of them, why should I pay for the privilege of being on his roster? I can go out to dinner with friends, or by myself. I take time getting ready, I wear expensive clothing, makeup and jewelry cost money, I’m pretty af, and until that gender wage gap closes and until I stop seeing disgusting displays of outright misogyny, why would I pay to make small talk with a man? I’m not talking Michelin-Star dinners, either, but if you can’t invest in my burger and fries, you certainly aren’t a contender for romance.
I always offer to split, and am more than happy to do so, but if my date says they want to pay I’m not going to argue with them. I’m poor as fuck.
I am in my thirties and have been single for a while. I always prefer to pay for myself on the first date. If I go on multiple dates with someone, we can trade off or decide from there.
I think a man’s reaction to you wanting to pay tells a lot. I want a partner and someone who sees me as equal. If they get too insistent on paying, I feel like we aren’t a good match. It is fine if someone offers, but I want them to be okay with me paying for stuff. Men who want to pay all the time, even if I make more money than them, seem to desire some sort of power imbalance.
If you want to avoid the whole conversation on the first date you can do something free like go for a walk. You can also meet for coffee and order/pay before they get there.
This needs to be a mandatory question on dating apps.
Personally, I wouldnt be interested in a guy that makes a big deal out of me paying my half. WANTING to treat me, sure that’s nice, but a man who throws a fit or gets angry? There’s literally no good reason for that. So if I want to or do pay for myself and a guy reacts poorly? Even if thats the single thing that makes him “dump” me then imo thats a win and a look at his morals/values/the way he views relationships, and probably not someone id want to continue seeing anyways l
I prefer to pay for myself on the first date. That way no one feels owed or cheated (which they shouldn’t, but it is what it is)
I used to do one of two things: say ahead of time, even before date, that you always prefer to split the bill on the first date. That way it isn’t a surprise and they won’t draw any conclusions or take it personally. If they absolutely freak out or make fun of your request, then that’s a red flag and you cancel it entirely.
Or make your first date something very casual and cheap like coffee. That way you have an easy opportunity to pay, or if he prefers to pay, worst case he’s only out $6-$10 and gets to feel good about paying for you. I like this option because if you guys hit it off you can always do something more afterward and work the rest of it out from there 🙂
First dates, it’s always better to come carrying enough cash that you can drop your share and dash.
If your coworkers don’t get that, they’ve forgotten.
If I invite someone to dinner, I’m planning on picking up the tab.
Having said that, I think communication and respect are the foundation of any healthy relationship so maybe try communicating your concerns about obligation and see what they say.
Planning on paying your half is good thinking.
For first dates I always go simple and cheap and pay for my part–so grabbing a coffee or an ice cream, for example, rather than getting dinner. If it goes further than 2-3 dates it will vary between splitting, or the person doing the inviting paying. Every so often I might pay for those first coffees, or my date might insist, but I generally prefer to split.
I also often straight up state that that is my view, either when planning a date or when in line to get coffee. Just a simple and straighforward. For example I went berry picking earlier this year as a first date–I suggested it, and just mentioned “XYZ farms charges $20 to pick as much as you want–if that works for you, why don’t we each buy our own berries this time? I like going halfsies first few dates as we get to know eachother!” It might not be the most romantic of lines, but it avoids confusion.
I think you should still offer. If they insist on paying it’s nice but you don’t owe them anything because you’ve offered to pay too. They chose to pay. It doesn’t buy any access to you outside of what you were already willing to give.
Offering to pay is nice, accepting if he offers to pay is fine as long as it’s just a nice gesture and not making you feel obligated to do something you don’t want to do.
I don’t enjoy gender politics in my relationship so when a first date is comfortable with me paying for my share I take that as a green flag.