Husband and I are high school sweethearts. We are in our late 20s. He has a friend ‘Kelly’ who has also known him since high school, they worked together for a bit in HS as well and they’re part of a larger friend group. I’m happy he has friends who he can spend time with and can do things Im not always interested in, particularly partying into the late hours of the night.
The problem for me started when after a night out with his friends, my husband shared with me that Kelly tried to drunkenly kiss him, and he rejected her. He shared that with me as soon as he got home and he seemed very upset about her trying to do that. We talked about it and he said he would have a conversation with her the next time they saw each other, to which she said that she had no memory of the event but she felt bad about it happening. Apparently she had also tried to do that with another friend in the group and was also going through a rough breakup at the time.
After that, my husband saw her less and made a point to not be alone with her. After everything cooled off he suggested that maybe it would be a good idea for me to get to know her and set up a hangout at a bar with us, Kelly and her sibling. She was nice/cordial but it was a little awkward because she kept trying to figure out a meeting with a drug dealer and kept wandering away from the group. All of the pictures she posted about the night left me out, but included my husband and her sibling. There have been a handful of times I joined the group hangouts, and they’ve gone well, but i still feel uncomfortable when people make jokes and references about things I don’t understand because they have a long history of friendship. Which is fine, I keep it to myself and try to enjoy myself, but still stings a little. Whenever I bring it up to my husband he reassures my feelings and he always makes a point to include me.
A few months ago they all went on a trip out of state and my husband was so excited, and I was excited for him. I was invited but I didn’t go because I didn’t really want to, thats HIS friend group and I had other things planned that weekend. Everything was fine until I saw Kelly posts a series of pictures from the trip, the cover photo being her and my husband. To ME, and this is definitely based on heteronormative bias, they look like a couple at first glance. Theres no physical contact but she’s in a bikini and heavily leaning towards him and is arching her back a lot. (Husband is wearing flannel and shorts—which is part of why I feel irrational, because of course she’s wearing a swimsuit if they’re swimming in a creek. She’s just very cute in the photo and she’s standing next to my man so it made me feel this weird jealousy when it popped up on my feed.)
I also brought up my feelings about this post and told my husband I can’t help but feel a little disrespected by her. She has other posts where it’s just the two of them, my husband is neutrally facing the camera and she’s leaning into him like that or theyre sitting very close. Those photos are always the first cover photo of the posts with other friends. My husband said he never thought of it like that but can understand why that bothers me. I asked him not to bring it up with her because I feel stupid for even feeling this way.
Part of me knows I’m angry because she’s just very beautiful and it makes me feel a pit in my stomach knowing my husband has such an attractive friend. He says he has no attraction to her and I believe him, he’s always been honest with me and we have always had great communication.
To be clear, I don’t feel like my relationship is being threatened. I just feel possessive. I have OCD and have been silently obsessing over this whole thing for weeks now. It’s so frustrating because I think it would be best to just let it go. But on the other hand I’m upset at my husband for still hanging out with her even if it’s with a larger group. And i’m upset at her because I feel jealous.
Am I being irrational here? Has anyone else gone through something similar? Am I being controlling? Please help. I’m trying to be mature about this and not let my emotions cause a rift in my husband’s friend group.
Comments
Is this his only female friend? If not, how do you feel about his other friendships with women?
you’re valid for feeling this way, society often pits women against each other, but it’s essential to trust your husband. maybe talk to him about boundaries, it’s okay to feel jealous sometimes, it’s just how you handle it that matters. remember, women supporting women is crucial, let’s break the cycle of insecurity and comparison.❤️
hey there, it’s understandable to feel this way. you’re not alone in experiencing these emotions. your feelings are valid. it might help to focus on open communication with your husband, setting healthy boundaries, and self-reflection on where these insecurities stem from. therapy could also be beneficial in navigating these feelings. remember, it’s important to prioritize your mental health and trust in your relationship.
Posting pictures of a night out together that only include 3 out of the 4 people is definitely not cool. I would guess she is jealous of you, so she tries to make you feel the same? Would also explain the pictures from their friends trip…
Eh, the kiss attempt would be a line for me. If I was married and a drunk male friend tried to kiss me I would be very upset with him, and out of respect for my partner would not interact with him anymore. If he was in a friend group and included in hang outs I would be cordial but I wouldn’t be trying to initiate seeing him or take pictures with him. I would expect the same from my husband. She doesn’t sound like she cares about getting to know you and including you as much as you do for her. But every couple is different and if that doesn’t bother you then you need to accept how this woman is around your husband, she won’t change and your husband won’t create more strict boundaries with her
Are there other male friends in the group? Does she post similar pictures with them, or just your husband? I’d bring that up in a conversation with him and go through her posted photos and see if she’s just posting his photos with her and have him bring it up in a conversation with her. I think you have no reason to be jealous and your husband has your back, he’s just unaware of what the implications of her posts are and he should definitively have a talk with her about boundaries and form it in a way she doesn’t respect him and his relationship with you with the way she posts her pictures.
If I were in your husband’s shoes, I’d probably break off contact with her over this as well as it seems to be deliberate and she’s looking for an “in” with him out of whatever misguided though she formed in her mind. It’s unhealthy and it won’t bring anything good in the long run.
Now if there are similar pictures with others from the group, then you need to have a conversation with yourself and how much you trust your husband and how healthy it is for you to have these thoughts as they’re in the same basked as the above case with the girl in question if she’s doing it deliberately… Hope I’m making sense 🙂
Well, she clearly wants your husband. What is your husband going to do about it?
Your feelings are valid however I’d like to say that to me it’s not about you being insecure/irrational but rather about Her behavior in this.
Girl tried to kiss your husband (And another person) and pulled the “I don’t remember” card, that’s one.
You tried to hang out with her and in all the pics she only left You out? That’s two.
Then in the trip pictures she’s just leaning/trying to be close to him no matter what, and the cover photos are of just her and him?? Yeah just no.
I’d say you really need to have a talk with your husband about her, he might have no attraction towards her but sounds like she might have for him. Need to really address it and even set boundaries because if she can’t behave and/or come clean about her intentions, then it’s going to be a matter of reducing/cutting contact with her.
She tried to kiss him so I wouldn’t consider them just friends. IMO their relationship should have ended the day she did that. Do you know why your husband is so keen to keep her in his life?
Your insecurity is not coming from nowhere, so I don’t think you’re just going to overcome it. I would ask him to end that friendship for my sake. Or maybe make a point by saying one of my male friends had kissed me drunkenly, etc. And see how husband likes it. But that’s me. Good luck though, it’s a sticky situation to be in for sure.
Yeah, you’re being irrational. To me, you have recounted specific steps your husband has taken to deal with this. He listened to your earlier concerns, and acted on them. For whatever reason, those steps are not enough for you.
You can’t control how she feels or acts, and frankly, you don’t get to. It’s up to your husband to not react or encourage her. You also can’t make her like you (re the awkward meeting). Not everyone likes everyone.
Also – as you mentioned, you need to take your own steps to deal with the feelings around her being attractive. That’s neither her fault nor your husband’s.
If it continues to be an issue, the next step is either couple therapy or individual therapy for you.
I’ve been drunk and never tried to kiss someone I didn’t have a romantic penchant for. Not buying she has zero interest, but I was also cheated on by my ex husband in a similar situation so I’m a bit more cynical. The best piece of advice I can give you is to trust your gut. It sounds corny and trite, but I never had evidence and only their words but something felt off. I was and still am a girls girl, so I chalked it up to my insecurity. Your situation may be wildly different, but I just want to offer a perspective that it happens. You can be a girls girl and question when things feel off. I would not trust someone who tried to kiss my partner.
My best friend of 25 years is a man and I would never behave this way out of respect to his wife and his marriage. Plus I have no interest in behaving this way: why would I want to arch my back in a bikini and lean in to my married male friend, or try to contact my drug dealer the first chance I get to meet his wife?
I think she has terrible boundaries and knows exactly what she’s doing in a hot mess kinda way. Your husband sounds wonderful (so does your marriage), I would recommend he be EXTRA careful to not be alone with her ever, only drink moderately at most around her, not DM her, etc. Firm firm friend zone.
Girl. This woman has the hots for your husband. Both you and him are playing dumb and trying to be nice to a woman inserting herself into your marriage. Fuck that woman, all bets were off with the kiss.
Do not blow your instincts off. There needs to be a talk with your husband and some boundaries established real quick.
That woman has drug problems, needs therapy and your husband should NOT be the white knight that is going to fix her.
If things don’t stop, and immediately, you have a husband problem that needs to be fixed.
This is your marriage, not some random fling that you’re going to get over.
So if she was just a friend and acted like it, things would be fine.
However, she very clearly has a long and continued history of trying to get with him, which is disrespectful. Frankly, he should have backed off much more after she tried to kiss him. It’s better than nothing that he tried to distance himself somewhat, but given how clearly sketchy her motives are, it’s not enough.
I would bring up to your husband how she purposely left you out of the group pictures, and how between this and her attempting to kiss your husband, you feel disrespected by her.
Trust your gut. It’s never wrong.
(Dude here)
There’s a lot you can just dismiss as “irrational jealousy”, but the fact that she tried to kiss him makes this fall in the ” VERY RATIONAL jealousy” category.
I always use this case as an example:
There is this girl I was CRAZY about when we were sixteen. We were friends and dated for a few weeks. Didn’t work out.
At twenty-one she got married to a guy who didn’t accept that I could be in her life, just as a friend, and I didn’t talk to her for TWELVE YEARS because her husband didn’t “allow”.
She got divorced, we regained contact and she remarried. The new husband understands that we’re friends and whatever happened twenty years ago is in the past. We share a few beers ans laughs. He’s a good guy, and he considers me, also, a good guy (even though we don’t have much in common).
All that is to say: I would very much be wary of just saying “He should cut all contact with her”, because relationships are complicated and she might as well be a very good friend to him.
But you have EVERY right to feel insecure and she deserves a very stern talking to by him. He can have a relationship and a friendship with her, as long as she understands that trying something with him is not only disrespecting you, BUT ALSO HIM.
irrational? you feel what you feel. feelings arent always rational, quite the opposite.
i think the question you are having is if it is ok for you to feel that way and the answer is always yes. every feeling is ok to have and should not be suppressed.
what really matters is how you handle it and how you move on from it.
the good thing is that it seems that your husband isnt a bad player in this scenario at all, but the woman is (from your POV – im not saying she is, but that doesnt matter, what matters is how you feel about it).
what can you do?
you can talk to her. tell her how you feel about it, in whatever words you feel appropiate. you feel your boundaries overstepped / jealous / threatened / disrespected. yes you make yourself vulnerable by doing so, but by doing that, one demands empathy from the other person (knowingly or not).
her response (not just words, but following actions aswell) should give you clearance on her intentions with your husband aswell as her respect for you and your relationship with your husband.
after that, you and your husband can draw conclusions from that.
If my male friend tried to kiss me that would be the end of that friendship.
Whoo, boy. As a fellow Kelli, this Kelly is giving us all a bad name. At least she and I don’t share the same spelling!
So, Kelly has done the following things:
*likes to party late into the night. what’s that saying about nothing good happening after midnight?Especially w substances involved.
*tried to kiss your husband while intoxicated but claims to have no memory of it. I think it’s more likely she’s embarrassed the kiss wasn’t reciprocated and that’s why she claims she doesn’t remember kissing him. I think if he’d kissed her back, she’d have been working on stealing him out from under you.
*Excludes you from pictures from a 4-person hangout, and then posts them on social media for shared friends to see, with the album cover picture being just her and your husband. That’s cold and intentional. Her audacity blows me away.
Kelly isn’t interested in connecting with her “best friend’s” spouse on your group hangout (you, your husband, her, and her sister). If she considered your husband her best friend with honorable, purely platonic best friend only intentions, she would be excited to know you as another way to know him*. Kelly would be saying to you things like: “OP, tell me what your husband was like on your wedding day, was he nervous?” “OP, what’s your favorite memory of you and your husband’s time together so far? Tell me something I don’t know about my best friend!” See the difference between something friends could be saying vs what she does/says?
*Inexplicably, Kelly spends time during your group hangout to contact her drug dealer — in front of her sister, her best friend, her best friend’s wife — whom she is supposedly there to get to know better; this was no better than a “fuck you” to your face.
The fact that Kelly did this in front of the 3 of you tells me several things:
she doesn’t care to get to know you better;
she doesn’t respect any of the three of you;
she doesn’t respect herself; and
she’s likely deeper into addiction than anyone realizes.
*Kelly goes on this overnight trip with your husband and posts provocative photos which to anyone who doesn’t know the three of you, would indicate that they are a couple. The fact that your husband is wearing a flannel and she’s in a swimsuit is odd. Makes me think she was swimming and called him over simply to take a picture — like the whole thing was planned and staged. Not an action shot or “in the moment” pic at all. That doesn’t sit right with me.
OP, I worked with addicts in a professional capacity for years. Kelly is exhibiting behaviors of someone in active addiction, likely in escalating addiction. I don’t know you and your husband’s thoughts on substances since you mentioned he likes to party as well. But at the end of the day, as you approach your 30’s you need to ask yourselves what adds to your lives in a positive manner and what doesn’t. That’s all (an unfun) part of adulthood.
I am 45, divorced three years ago at 42. I started dating my exhusband at 20, and we married when I was 24. We were married 17 years and together for 22 years total. We coparent a 14 year old daughter.
If I were still married, or in a relationship at this time, I would have a major problem with Kelly if she were to exhibit any one of the behaviors I listed above. She’s throwing multiple red flags and your husband is just looking right past them to remain in this relationship with her. You may want to discern why keeping Kelly in his life, even though the things she does hurt you, is so important to him. My guess would be he likes the attention and validation, even if that’s on a subconscious level and he can’t articulate it.
I don’t agree with the other comments you’ve received as to this being your issue or your fault or that you need to align yourself with Kelly because women need to support other women. You and your husband made vows to each other and that is the important relationship here. Couples counseling could definitely be helpful. I wish you both all the best.
Hello OCD sis 🙂
When I have met my (current) husband we have live in a different cities. And when we have moved in together, I was travelling back and forth as I still studied in my native city.
He had a lot of friends, both males and females.
One time he told me that a friend (female) is coming to his place while I was away. So I am coming back seeing that blown mattress is still in the box (guest option). There was no way, they have blown up the mattress, she used it, than they deflated it and put it into a box!!!! No such tidiness!
So I gently inquire, where did she sleep? (as the was almost 100km between them I expected her to spent the night).
He puffed out proudly and said they both got too drunk to blow the mattress. So she sleeped in our bed, but knowing my OCD (no public clothes on the bed!!! Thank you!), he let her sleep on his side, and he slept on my part! I was endeared! I know it is weird, but I did not suspect him of any wrongdoing, and it was sweet that he took my OCD in to consideration. She is still his pal, 20 years now.
Next instance, few years later. His ex is coming to London where we lived. She is single. I have my trepidations, but due to former obligations, I am not able to join them in pub jumping.
Next morning he is coming back, shaken. She had tried to kiss him and convinced him to go back to her hotel for sex. He refused, came home and told me.
I cook the bitch dinner! She is on my black list now!
But he was up front (kind of, he was willing but scared as to how I react).
It was 15 years ago. We are good.
We had our problems. But not with other people. He was honest. I know that even if the supermodel would hit him, he would refuse. I might be naive. But I am not.
And I know I am lucky!
But the question is, if your guy is upfront? It is not about the horde of women who might flirt, or try to kiss, or take him to bed. It is about him.
Your husband isn’t reading the room. After the drunken kiss attempt, he should have stopped acting like this was “just a friend,” or things could continue in the same way as before, and curtailed their interactions accordingly, not tried to pretend things hadn’t decisively changed in a suspect direction. You aren’t being irrational, you simply picked up on her obvious motive and he hasn’t thrown up much of a barrier to her continued attempts.
Hope your chat wit him about this goes well. He needs to clue up. He’s allowing something totally inappropriate to keep repeating itself in various ways.
You’re not insecure you’re realistic. Hub needs to set her down permanently. She’s toxic, and a threat to him, you, and your marriage. If he values those things, he will permanently shut down any ‘friendship ‘with this drug-seeking ho.
First of all – this girl sounds like a hot mess. The drug deals, the drunkin attempted kisses, the weird way she acts around your husband and you – all points to her own issues. I hope your husband knows and agrees that even without the attempted come-ons to him – he needs to watch himself and limit himself with friends this messy.
Second – I am going to caution you against actually doing anything more to step in between them or discouraging the friendship. I would advise you vent to a good friend about her. The kind of friend that’s going to keep it between the two of you and knows you actually trust your husband – just that this girl is a bit much. Not that you have to keep any of your feelings from your husband – just don’t have him be the one you initially vent or complain to.
The reason I caution you against feeling too territorial and doing anything to get in between it is I made a mistake and contributed to the loss of one of my husband’s female friends. It wasn’t all me – there were issues between rhe two of them as well – but it triggered something in her as well that probably started the end of their friendship. Long story short she wasn’t interested in him but she did some things that triggered my territorial instincts (I had been cheated on in the relationship before that and was sensitive to basically anything). Something happened that felt disrespectful of our relationship – and I had my now husband kick her and her boyfriend out of our house prematurely when they were staying with us (it was only having them leave a little bit earlier than they had planned – not that they didn’t have anywhere to stay when they needed it or anything). I also sent her a message. I thought the incident was over and done with and we were all okay – but she brought it up when there was an issue between him and her years later and she ended the friendship. My husband isn’t good at making or keeping friends – so it wasn’t fair to him ultimately and honestly the thing I had an issue with didn’t end up mattering or affecting anything in or relationship or otherwise.
Remember, no matter how much Kelly wants your husband, she can’t have him unless he agrees to it. So do you trust your husband? If yes, then you can trust that nothing’s going to happen. If no, then that’s the actual problem you should focus on.
Hopefully that framing will help you. That’s how I look at it, and my own boyfriend gets pursued a ridiculous amount.
My best friend is a married man and I love his wife more than him. I would do anything for her. And would never in a million years act as selfishly and thoughtlessly as this woman you are describing.
It sounds like she might be an addict and if that’s the case, it’s not so much about your husband but the fact that your husband chooses to hang around someone with such problematic behavior. Untreated addicts are inherently terrible people who can’t think beyond themselves (former addict here, I know all about it). This woman’s life seems like a complete mess.
There’s a lot of issues here but the most concerning one is brushing off how you feel. Posting in a bikini with your husband was completely inappropriate, especially given the past circumstances, and you’re acting like you’re being delusional by being hurt by it.
Our emotions tell us a lot. Listen to them!
>she kept trying to figure out a meeting with a drug dealer
if for this reason alone, Kelly needs to be out of his life.
But I’m of the opinion that the way a marriage is presented in the world is part of the marriage itself, and your husband needs to do more to protect his. He needs to simply not be around Kelly anymore.
You’re not making this up; you’re having a normal reaction.
This women is a massive red flag, toxic and attention seeking. You asking your husband to set boundaries and reconsider what situations he puts himself with with that women is not controlling but more than reasonable.
She was blackout and tried to make out with him once. Clearly she likes to drink and party and your husband should have common sense to not continue putting himself in that situation
I don’t have any advice or perspective to add to all that you’ve received here. But I just want to commend you and your husband for your kind hearts and your desire to do what’s best for everyone. You clearly care about this person’s wellbeing despite how uncomfortable she’s making you, and that’s the sign of a mature and open heart.
I had a man like this. Ultimately I couldn’t put up with a person who couldn’t set boundaries for my sake. I was kind of angry for you reading this, it brought me back. Eww… I’m sorry