It seems like men understand that taking responsibility for their actions is the “mature” response these days, but it also seems like all they tend to do is just say “I take accountability.” I swear I’ve even see men use it to shut down conversations by making the woman look unreasonable if she keeps arguing after they’ve said “I take accountability.” For me, I had an ex forget both my birthday and our anniversary. For my birthday he didn’t do anything to make up for it except buy my drinks the next time we were out (which he always insisted on doing). Never even got me a gift and acted like I was strange when I brought up the fact that he needed to make it up to me somehow. I didn’t even call him out for forgetting our anniversary because I was incredibly busy and honestly didn’t want to bring it up if he didn’t. So I’m wondering what you all think men should be doing to take accountability? Is it different for small things vs. large things? Is a verbal acknowledgment enough? What else do you think you’d want from men?
Comments
Time for full on reparations. When are our government checks coming?
I watched too much Princella the Queenmaker and Sheera7 and I am convinced they dont even see me as a human being at this point.
Sex is no longer pleasurable, time spent speaking to them is exhausting (even male relatives), and I flee from them even in general public.
I honestly dont even know why Im with 1 at this point.
men need to actively change their behavior and listen. just saying “i take accountability” isn’t enough. they should be part of the solution. actions speak louder than words. gender inequality is so real, and we need a strong feminist movement to address these issues. it’s important for men to support women and work on being better allies. they should educate themselves and make genuine efforts to improve. it’s about respect and equality. real change comes from consistent effort.
Depending on the setting, like work or home, its either “you were right and I was wrong”, or “I totally fucked this up”. That covers about 90% of fuckups.
Any words said, “I’m sorry” or “I take accountability” or any of it, are cancelled out if behavior doesn’t change. Words without action are useless.
ACTION! babe, you can say sorry all fucking day, but if you keep doing the same shit, then you aren’t actually sorry.
the other thing I’ve noticed is that there is a desire to change. sometimes they’ll do something just bc I want to see it, but if they’re doing it begrudgingly and then hold resentment towards me, then it’s not true accountability, and I want none of it.
A good apology has multiple parts:
(1) I did X.
(2) That caused Y consequence/ harm.
(3) Doing X was wrong, and I regret it, I’m sorry.
(4) Discuss how to make amends or prevent this in the future.
(5) Demonstrating better behavior in the future.
I forgot your birthday and didn’t do anything to celebrate you. I can tell that really made you feel unvalued and unloved. It was selfish of me not to plan for how to celebrate you, I regret it, and I’m sorry. Can you forgive me? For our next big celebration (anniversary/Valentines/ Christmas) I have put a 1 month, 2 week, 1 week, and 2 day reminder in my calendar so I don’t forget to make a plan in advance. I’d like to make it up to you by taking you out to [thing you really like] next weekend. Is there something else you’d like me to do? How does that feel to you as a plan?
So, accountability isn’t just saying: Yah, I was wrong. Oh well. It is at least attempting to take the harm caused off of the harmed person and back onto yourself. It is being willing to pay the consequences of the bad action. In this example the “taking accountability” is acknowledging it was his fault and wrong AND making a plan to not do it again. It is also ACTUALLY doing something to try to make it better.
You change your stance in every interaction to show the presumption you will be shown accountability and treated with respect and that you will do the same.
This also means being careful not to do things that align yourself with the patriarchy or undercut yourself and other people who need accountability. Don’t weaponize vulnerability or tears, complain only after the fact when you’ve been interrupted, etc.
They need to thoroughly change so as to never continue the problematic behavior. This is the barest minimum. There needs to be empathy for the harm done. Ideally, there should be continual empathy towards whatever feeling – hurt, anger, lost trust – was caused by their behavior. Efforts should be made to make amends, without any expectations that this should make the impact of their behavior (the feelings etc) go away.
In fact, real repair requires not just lack of defensiveness, but curiosity towards the feelings their behavior caused. And tons of empathy. This means taking a lot of time to be there, be emotionally present and deeply caring and compassionate towards the hurt. And to never ever get offended that hurt or lack of trust might exist due to their behavior.
I think relationships will eventually be destroyed without a total lack of defensiveness, and the repair from continual empathy, and efforts to make amends. Personally, without this I would break up, because it is too unacceptable for me to be hurt and then someone act offended that I am experiencing the impact of their shitty behavior. The sense of entitlement that someone can hurt me, but I am required to continually hide the hurt they caused, is just deeply deeply toxic in my opinion, and I would never want to be around anyone who had that attitude.
It’s like they all become Catholic when it comes to taking accountability. They confess that they fucked up, say whatever feminist buzzword is popular enough to have reached them, and all is forgiven so they can transgress again.
Fix the hurt they’ve created.
Forgot my birthday? Apologize and plan/do something approximating and even in excess of what he should have done on my birthday. Make sure my only thoughts looking back on this event are “lord, he may have zero memory for dates, but he makes me so happy.”
Understand the hurt feelings his shitty actions and/or thoughtlessness caused, and do something specifically designed to address and heal that hurt.
Liken it to a physical injury. If he accidentally tripped you and you cut your leg pretty badly, he wouldn’t be standing there saying “I take accountability; why are you even bringing it up??” He’d be rushing around getting first aid things, staunching the bleeding, getting antibiotic ointment, getting bandages and finding Advil. Possibly even asking “do we need to go to urgent care?” if it looks bad enough.
If he wounds your heart, he needs to be doing the same level of urgent jumping into action to try to patch up that cut.
But that means he has to want to see you happy more than he values his own convenience.
I want them to advocate for abortion.
Men are the cause of pregnancy. They should share responsibility for our ability to opt out of it.