I have seen this pattern in relationships many times —
When we women express our love openly,
listen to them,
are available for them…
everything goes well in the beginning.
But as soon as we want a little more emotional closeness —
openness, vulnerability, depth of heart —
many men suddenly become distant.
They either become silent,
or avoid the topic jokingly,
or just start talking about practical things.
I don’t understand —
Is this just “fear of vulnerability”?
Or are men taught from childhood that emotions are a weakness?
I want to know — Have you also faced such emotionally unavailable men in dating or marriage?
And how did you handle it?
Comments
Either they don’t have the emotional intelligence to deal with the situation or they were just stringing you along and not ready to commit to anything real. I’m sorry but I don’t have any advice on how to deal with this besides looking for a man who has emotional intelligence and able to communicate clearly
yep, it’s common, sadly. society teaches men to hide emotions and be ‘strong,’ which means they often shut down when things get deep. it’s a big reason why we need more open discussions and strong feminist movements to challenge these harmful gender norms. keep pushing for emotional equality, it’s so important. ❤️
The social norm for men is to be strong, resilient, invulnerable. Consider how many influences a boy will have growing up and sort them into either vulnerability averse or vulnerability affirming. I think you will find that they are many more of the former than the latter.
It often takes a lot of living and learning for men to balance that out and discover that vulnerability does not equal weakness.
Control
Imo as an AMAB person (so take it as you will) because men aren’t taught to speak or express their emotions as such they don’t even seek to understand them often leading to shutdown or agressive projection.
It could definitely be coupled with fear of vulnerability or other insecurities.
Either they are not able to.
Or they are not that into you. I hate clichés so much, but in my very personal experience, most men do not open up emotionally unless they are really super into you. They view investment into friendships and emotional connection a waste of time unless they truly want you. Again, YMMV and there are exceptions, but in my life they have been few and far between.
When everything you’re taught about getting attention from women is from a deceptive angle, the facade collapses through proximity and time.
Who will she feel comfortable around? Someone I have to pretend to be.
What values is she looking for in a partner? Values I have to fake having in common with her.
It is easier to fake these things initially. But the more time goes by, the more of their social circle she knows, and especially once it becomes a cohabitating relationship – how to keep up the act?
They can’t. It’s why so many change drastically once they move in, a pregnancy happens, or they get that marriage license. They think her options for getting away are diminished enough to risk it.
Men are simple beings as they want attention from their loved ones but if it goes deep then it feels like what we are doing, and then the society comes in role who taught us that emotion is a weakness and expressing emotions are only for female.
Males don’t have emotions,they don’t cry,and if they cry then they are not compatible with society
They just want to have sex with you. Not an actual mutual relationship/partnership. (I’m sorry 😞)
As a “man” having to interact with other men, individuals who often have serious untreated emotional problems, it is necessary to code switch between genders. This can be exhausting, especially if you are emotionally stunted yourself. Sometimes it’s just way easier and somewhat necessary to turn off the emotions entirely rather than switch back and forth between a healthy and unhealthy level of emotional exposure. tl;dr women are safe, men are not, switching back and forth is exhausting.
I’ve seen posts like this on r/AskMen and a lot of the responses are I opened up once and it got used to hurt me the next time we had an argument so now I don’t ever open up.
They’ve been conditioned not to be emotional or vulnerable unless they’re angry.
From a mans perspective it’s simple: boys/men are taught not to show emotion. “Men don’t cry”, “men are strong”, “men don’t show fear”, “men don’t talk about emotions”. Men are told that women expect them to be a rock and to be emotionally strong and dependable. Showing or talking about true emotions goes against all of that. Then on top of that they have probably experienced too many women using whatever they share against them in the future in one way or another. Far too many women CLAIM they want an emotionally open man and then use that openness to stab them in the heart more effectively later on. And I can already hear the cries of: “I would never do that and I don’t know any women that would” to which I would say you haven’t been paying attention or you’re part of the problem.
For me as a neurodivergent Person that is very emotional being emotional close has been very difficult because I was as a child often alone since my parent’s where busy with them selves and in the children’s home is was the had no capacity for me to take care of my emotional needs.
Without therapy and then bulling things just got only worse.
The irony is that I’m a person who likes to be social and help others. Helping yourself is much harder.
The other thing is that I might not get the hint if things are said to subtle. A lot of man have that kind of issue but I also have issues with social clues.
I’m in therapy now. I hope my wife and I can work on our marriage, being apart from her feels like I nightmare I just want to wake up from.
Sounds like avoidant attachment style. A lot of avoidants are perpetually dating because they are afraid of intimacy/commitment so you’re more likely to date them, is my guess.
Yeah you kinda hit the nail on the head.
Society teaches men to push their emotions down, to be “stoic” and “tough”. Expressing complex emotions (so stuff deeper than anger or happiness or whatever) is kinda seen as weakness or whining.
Also when it comes to relationships specifically, the “traditional” male role in a relationship (which is commonly reinforced by media) is that of the provider and protector, and who wants a vulnerable protector? Who wants a provider who doesn’t have everything figured out? So a lot of men actively don’t want to be vulnerable in front of their partner out of fear that their partner will leave them for a better/stronger provider/protector.
It’s baked in there deep, unfortunately. I’d say the best way to get a man to open up to you is probably to be direct and say that you’d like them to be more open with you, and you won’t judge them or think less of them for it. That may seem like it should go without saying, but oftentimes it does need to be said. Don’t expect that to work immediately though, you will need to be patient as it can take men some time to get over their fears and really open up, especially if they’ve had bad relationships in the past who have used their vulnerabilities against them. And it probably goes without saying but you should NEVER do that. Never ever take something someone told you in confidence and weaponize it against them, even if you think it highlights some advice you’re giving them or something. That’s not just with men either, nor is it limited to romantic relationships. That’s the kind of behavior that can shatter trust.
Look up attachment theory, specifically avoidant or disorganized attachment behaviors.
Some men are alright to express their emotions and can do it; but many are taught – by the example of the emotionally unavailable men around them, by bro culture and by marketing – that they always have to be tough and stoic and that yes; emotions are weakness. Just get on with it; toughen up: don’t cry; etc. it’s insidious; and both genders suffer for it.
However; there are a few men who escape it. I hope you find them.
Normally I hate leaving top-level comments here because I’m a middle-aged straight cis white man, but you should be asking men this question. There’s a lot of truth in the more cynical answers here, but as a man with a lot of feelings that are often seen as feminine, I have personal experience with being shamed when I dare to express them. And surprisingly, it’s mostly from femme acquaintances, friends, family, and partners, although I curate my male friends very closely and don’t really associate with guys after they show even a hint of toxic masculinity.
Almost all women want us to open up, but often get uncomfortable when we express feelings that don’t conform to expectations. This even happens when my partners have been incredibly vulnerable with me, and I try to reciprocate. I’ve been called “dramatic” when I ask for help, “weak” when I express despair, “a hothead” when I stick up for myself or other people who are being mistreated, and all kinds of slurs normally reserved for gay people when I show sensitivity to art or an overabundance of nurturing energy.
Toxic masculinity can be effectively fought with call-outs and ridicule, but what’s really going to bury it is if we all become masters at interrogating and addressing the ways that we personally contribute to it.
Women do this too. I just had to leave my partner because her constant withdrawal when any kind of conflict or emotion came up was intensely traumatic for me, my final straw was her blowing up at me instead of talking to me like a rational human being.
Please let me know once you figure it out. I’m about to 🤞🏼end an 8-year partnership because every time I had a conversation asking for more closeness it became one week of fighting or more.
Probably the same reasons women do. The vulnerability gets weaponized by bad players in future disputes.
I have only had this happen once. He was not comfortable being in his emotions because he was taught from a young age that he shouldn’t have/show emotions.
I was a somewhat emotionally unavailable woman for a long time for the same reason. Therapy and self compassion helped.
How are people not seeing this is an ai bot account….
Men are supposed to be strong. Provide, always have an answer, and never show weakness. Women tell us that we don’t need to be like that and to open up. Then, when we do, they use it against you the next time you have a disagreement.
This is just a sign of avoidance – while anyone can be avoidant, I think statistically the rates are higher in men.
Why do so many woman shut down emotionally when a men tries to get closer?
Because we don’t want to be shamed
A lot of men who do open up to their partners, get that same vulnearability used against them.
This is one of the reasons why.
You don’t have to look very far at all to find stories from men who’ve opened up to their girlfriends and even wives when they’re depressed, sad, whatever – to be met with derision, contempt, to be told to “man up”, and so on.
Society absolutely trains men to be afraid of showing vulnerability, of being emotionally open – and unfortunately it trains (some) women to absorb the same awful toxic masculinity bullshit.
Hard to tell. It’s likely person specific, but surely something is threatening….
https://www.amazon.com/Existential-Importance-Penis-Daniel-Watter/dp/0367651114
They don’t know how to handle emotions because they were raised to believe men don’t show emotions and therefore were never taught how to experience and act on them in a healthy manner. Its really sad and does a huge disservice to them. My ex BIL would tell my sister to let their 6 month old son cry in bed to teach him to be a man and stop crying. A 6 month old baby. He didn’t say that about his daughter.
To answer your question accurately I think it depends a lot on what you mean by openness, vulnerability, depth of heart and emotional closeness.
Are you wanting him to discuss his childhood traumas, emotional points of vulnerability with you?
Or are you wanting him to be more sensitive to yours?
I think that these two distinctions get mixed up a lot when people discuss this question. And it’s and important distinction. Reading through the comments in this thread its clear there’s a mismatch between what people interpret around this discussion.
It’s really interesting reading this question from the men’s perspectives, vs the women’s.. and its also very telling that to get to the heart of what you are looking for, and to get it, you first need to answer the initial questions I proposed above.
There’s really no wrong answer to those questions, even “both” is fine, but by putting a finger on that you can then figure out how to proceed in your specific situation. And honestly? Once you get that nailed down, if the relationship is relatively new in its habits, its not rocket science to figure out how to get what you want and keep your man happy.
Well I my view as someone that was AMAB before transitioning is that it is largely cultural and potentially with some biology sprinkled in. To start with men at a young age are taught to not lean into emotions. They are expected to be strong and dependable at all times and some men believe they just can’t do that if they give into emotions, basically to maintain a clear head and decision making process. Largely though it just due to being told that tough men don’t show emotions, or that emotions are for girls. I heard that second bit quite a bit growing up. So, it really comes down to years of social programing to not show emotions. Additionally more in younger men there is a stigma going on that if they share emotions their partner will use them against them. I have heard this from quite a few guys when they have been complaining about the dating scene. The biology side of things is a hypothesis of mine thats only really based on my personal experiences, I have noticed going from testosterone to estrogen I have been both calmer but also more in touch with my feelings. I actually feel my emotions instead of burying them down and honestly they feel stronger. Interestingly my feelings of frustration and anger are wayyy down but this is potentially due to the positive mental effects of hrt.
TLDR: it’s due to social conditioning that boys go through at a young age, there may potentially be a link with testosterone having weaker emotions than estrogen.