This is a really long one, but I would really appreciate you reading through it all and giving me advice or reassurance. I’m losing my mind and am desperate for some strength.
I (25F) have been dating my boyfriend (24M) for a little over a year and a half now. We started as friends, then a situation ship, then was exclusive for months and months before we made things official. While we were exclusive, he cheated on me with one of his friends. They cuddled and kissed on a night of a party that I didn’t go to. Our whole relationship I had suspicions about this girl. She was a regular who would come over to his house to their parties and I liked her. He didn’t tell me anything about her and actively had me interact with her and he would too which is messed up. I had my suspicions about her so I asked him if he had a history with her and he said yes, they kissed once before we were exclusive and that was it. My intuition was telling me that that wasn’t the whole story, I still felt weird about her, so I decided to get coffee with her after sitting with that story for a month or so. I tell him I’m gonna get coffee with her to hear her side of the story. The day before, he sits me down, and tells me the truth that everything happened while we were exclusive. My heart shatters. I thought this would never happen to me especially because he was cheated on in the past as well. I still get coffee with the other girl the next day and she was very kind. She answered all my questions, retold her version of the story which was slightly different than his, and apologized and acknowledged how selfish she was being. The talk with her went as well as it could have, and me and the boyfriend decide to go on a break for like a month.
Obviously we got back together after the break, and I’ve been trying to work through the trauma of him cheating on me. All my friends think I should have broken up with him but they support me no matter what. My therapist thinks I should have broken up with him as well. I also saw a psychic (i know i know) and she said he is holding me back and I am going to continue to be miserable if I stay with him. I really have tried working through this betrayal, but I feel like no matter how much “progress” I feel like I’m making, I’m still having relapses because I’m trying to heal in the same environment that hurt me. I’ve felt so stuck in place since January when we decided to get back together and move past this. Throughout all the issues I had since January, we would talk about them, he would be super receptive and kind, promise to do better, and we would move on until a few weeks later when something else bothers me. He’s the best communicator I’ve dated, he’s never invalidated my feelings, and he takes responsibility for his actions and what he did to me. I love him so much, and I’ve had so much fun with him since getting back together and we have so many things we want to still do together and there’s so much fun to be had together, but our relationship is tearing me apart.
I’ve become such a mistrusting anxious person. I pester him for details, react aggressively an unnecessarily mean when he says something triggering to me. He’ll say “this girl flirted with me at a bar but I shot her down saying I have a girlfriend and she walked away” and I’ll say “are you sure you didn’t just cave in like last time?”. I’ve never been like this. I’m a loving trusting person and I haven’t been that person since everything. I’m not usually super confident but confident enough to be satisfied with myself. I’ve hated myself for most of our relationship. I find myself stalking her semi-famous tik tok account and instagram to compare myself. I see that other people love her, how skinny and tall she is, and think I will never be the kind of woman she is. No wonder he cheated on me with her.
I fear it’s this lack of confidence that is stopping me from ending my relationship. I’m scared of being alone, I feel like he’s the best I can do, no one else will get my sense of humor, have patience and kindness with me. No one will be able to communicate like he does with me, validate my feelings, and never say I’m crazy. I’m out of college so I fear I have no way of meeting new people (I hate dating apps). I’m too scared of how painful it will be to break up with him that I just can’t do it. We still have so much we want to do together. The crazy thing is too, I know that if I break up with him, my life will start moving again. I’ve had such a hard time finding a full time job, going to the gym, taking care of myself, and I think it’s all because I’m so emotionally spent. I can feel it in my bones that after I break up with him, my life is going to take off. But I just don’t have the strength to do it.
Do I try to keep working through it? Am I being silly in thinking that I won’t meet anyone again? I feel so crushed. I wish I broke up with him when I found out everything. Please help guide me towards the right thing to do and help reassure me that a breakup isn’t the end of the world.
TLDR: Been dating for two years, he cheated on me while we were exclusive, and we’ve tried working through it but this relationship has made me anxious, mistrusting, and destroyed my self confidence and image. I feel so weak and I hate myself so much that I don’t think I can do any better or am capable of meeting other people outside of college now.