There are a lot of complicated feelings, but I will try my best to explain.
Myself (F30) and a new but very close girl friend of mine also (F30 turning 31 soon) have been through the trenches with dating over this last year since knowing each other. I consider her one of my best friends and she is great. We are both pretty tall girls (I am 6’2, she is 5’11) and naturally we both prefer men who are very tall and also know that there are not always a ton of available tall options in dating.
I met this guy a few months ago through another mutual friend of ours (let’s call her Meg) who invited me to a hangout (my friend I’m mentioning that is also tall was not at this hangout), and I remember being shocked that he was 6’5 and really attractive and also has a very good job and was single. It was very friendly, and we all spent quite a few hours together. I left that hangout wondering about this guy. I wanted to tell Meg that I thought he was cute and to see if there might be interest but I was also scared and didn’t want to make it weird if I hung out with them again. And also, as a girl I do prefer to be pursued, so in my head I figured, if I am thinking he is cute, that maybe if he felt the same he would ask my mutual friend about me.
Fast forward to this month now, mutual friend Meg apparently set up tall guy with my 5’11 friend and she was dodging him a bit at first and wasn’t sure, but they finally met in person a couple of weeks ago and have now really hit it off. I was initially internally upset that she didn’t try to ask me first if I was interested (granted I have started newly seeing someone but we are not official, so I GET why, but I still felt a way: and yes I am going to work on this feeling in therapy)
Long story short, things are going extremely well with him, he makes insane money, is super fit / tall / hot / great in bed, is relationship oriented one-woman type of guy, and basically checks all the boxes I have been searching for (I know all of these things because my friend is constantly talking about him to me), and I am privately so upset that I never got the chance to see if there was something there between us. And now all I hear about when talking to my friend or spending time with her the last few weeks is how amazing he is and how hot and how rich etc etc etc. he really is a nice guy, and I feel so hurt that I didn’t get a chance to date him when I initially met him first.
I know I’m going to get dragged but I needed a space to vent on why I’m feeling this way. The guy I’m currently dating is fun, and things are heading towards something more serious, but he is a bit shorter and much different than my normal type (esp body type), whereas the tall guy is very much my type.
I am really struggling with having to hear about it but I really enjoy my friend and don’t know what to do and how to stop feeling this way. It just hurts so much that I have been single for years and looking for a guy that fits those “physical attributes” and checks boxes and haven’t found it, and now it’s in my face all the time…..this is really hard.
I know I need to let it go, and most days I am fine and not thinking of it. But I was with the friend today and it’s all we talked about. It’s getting tough for me to hear even though I am very happy for her and she deserves a great guy like this.. 🙁
How do I move on?
TLDR: Friend newly dating a guy I met first and was attracted to, and I am struggling with complicated emotions when hearing about it.
Comments
“I met this guy a few months ago through another mutual friend of ours “
“as a girl I do prefer to be pursued,”
You snooze you lose. If you like someone, tell them, don’t wait months to – checks notes:
do nothing.
I’m sorry this is tough, especially when you feel that you laid on eyes them first. I think it’s best to be supportive and happy for them to maintain that friendship. But knowing that everything happens for a reason and that there will be the right guy for you and maybe in ways that you actually never expected! The good karma will follow! I think maybe branching back out and looking again might be fair to you and your current dating situation. What do you think?
I truly feel so sorry for your current bf.
He doesn’t have a clue that he has already lost a race he didn’t even know he was in.
I’m sure this is tough!
If they have hit it off, they might just be meant to be (at least for now) and even if you had gotten a chance, you and him may have never been compatible. This is how things worked out and this is how it is meant to be. So it might be easy to think that you could be in her place right now, but in reality that may have never been the case to begin with because you and her are different people.
I can sympathize with you because I can imagine what this feels like! But just remind yourself that your friend may have met a good guy for her and you will meet yours whether it’s a new guy or the current guy you are seeing.
I feel like if the guy was interested in you, he would have made a comment to the friend you both hung out with. Or maybe that was your friend trying to test the waters and the interest wasn’t there? Who knows, but anytime a guy has been interested in me after meeting in a group hang out, they’ve always nudged the common friend who would let me know. Sorry.
Get over it and maybe grow up.
I hate to say this, but it sounds like you have a whole story in your head that may not be the actual story and have perhaps projected some kind of ownership on him and perhaps your own dissatisfaction, fears, fantasies, scarcity, hopes, dreams, regrets etc all onto this guy and scenario that have nothing to do with him or reality. So it makes sense that it’s become a little obsessive, because it’s a much bigger thing about *you* and your fears and desires and internal unconscious, stuff. I also wonder, and this might not feel great to hear, but if part of this struggle is the very superficial check-list you named…bc of course, if you see relationships and dating and partners in that more transactional way, then these things will feel like a transaction and then unfair and like you should have gotten it and then scarcity comes up too etc etc. Good relationships are not based on checklists like that (I am a couple’s therapist and the research is very clear about that!). So it might be worth digging in deeper about yourself and your orientation towards love and relationships.
And so back to the reality of the situation, the harder reality is, you met this guy, he didn’t pursue you. You met this guy, his friend wanted to set him with another girl – and he could have said very well at that moment that he actually wanted to be set up with you. He didn’t. Maybe friend also knew he would like your friend for 100 reasons and not you. And yeah, if you were dating someone else, that could be a small factor in it, but perhaps not the whole story behind it.
If it were me, I’d get to know the part of you that is not letting it go. What is it wanting to say, do, what does it believe? What is it scared of? Does it want to throw a temper tantrum, is it scared you are never going to find the right man? What is the fantasy it has vs the reality that is? Why are these “checklist” things so important and really pinging you? It sounds like a young part of you perhaps, that could use some care and attention and ultimately compassion. You can’t force it or shame it away, but you can get to know it/yourself with compassion. Good luck!