We’ve been together for five years, and for the last 3.5 of those years, we’ve been long distance because she moved away to pursue her PhD. The plan has always been for her to move back once she’s done, so there’s an end in sight.
In the meantime, she’s built a life where she is. She’s made close friends and started a small band. At first, I was genuinely happy for her. I know how much she loves music, and for the first couple of years, it was just a fun, low key thing they did every Friday. I supported it. She always said she didn’t enjoy performing, she just liked playing casually.
But over time, things have shifted. One of her bandmates booked a show at a bar, and I flew out to be there, thinking it was a one time thing. It wasn’t. After that first gig, they booked three more shows, made flyers, started a YouTube channel, an Instagram account, t-shirts…it’s growing into something much bigger.
That’s when I started feeling uncomfortable and where our fights started happening. A lot of it comes from the change I see in her. She once said she didn’t like performing, but now she seems completely immersed in it. And it’s hard for me to relate. I come from a STEM background. I’ve always thought of music as a fun hobby, not something I ever envisioned being such a big part of my partner’s life. The gigs, the late nights, the drinking, the loud social scene, it’s just not me.
More than that, I feel like she becomes someone else around her bandmates. She’s the only woman in a group of guys, and when she’s with them, she gets louder, more crass, and kind of turns into one of the dudes. I’m more quiet and reserved, and when I’ve been around them, I’ve often felt ignored or sidelined. There have been moments where I’m standing next to her, and she’ll suddenly walk off without saying anything, leaving me alone, unsure whether I should follow or just awkwardly stand around. It’s a small thing, but it happens enough that it leaves me feeling disconnected and out of place.
I also don’t like several of her bandmates. They feel and act like children to me. I don’t like the version of her that shows up in that environment when she’s surrounded by them. It’s getting harder and harder to hide how I feel. Every time a new show is announced, I get passive aggressive. I make comments I’m not proud of. And I know that comes from a mix of fear, insecurity, and maybe even a lack of respect.
I never thought of myself as someone who would be with a gigging musician. Her PhD, which isn’t even in music, is supposed to be the priority. This band is just for fun. But it’s become such a source of tension between us. We fight nearly every time she plays a show now. Part of it is because we’re long distance, and I can’t be there for most of them. And I feel like creating shared experiences, core memories, is important. I don’t feel like she’s making space for me in any of it. I know that somewhat conflicts with what I said earlier about not liking that environment, but I still want to feel like I matter in her life. Like I’m included, even if I’m not physically present. But also, even if I was there I would still be annoyed because I don’t like those late nights and that environment and the type of person she becomes in this crowd.
Since this band isn’t her main focus in the long run, is it unreasonable to ask her to slow things down a bit? It’s become a monthly thing now, and I just want it to ease up. Not stop, just slow down. Because right now, it’s causing so much friction between us that I worry it’s going to do lasting damage.
TL;DR We’ve been together for 5 years, long-distance for 3.5 due to her PhD. She started a band as a fun hobby, but it’s become bigger than expected, more gigs, social media, and merchandise. I’m uncomfortable with the shift, especially since she once said she didn’t like performing. I’m also not into the whole gigging lifestyle, late nights, the drinking, and the ego boost she gets from being praised. I feel sidelined when I’m around her bandmates, and we’ve started fighting every time she does a show. Since her PhD is the main priority and the band is just for fun, is it unreasonable to ask her to slow things down? I want to feel included and not have these constant tensions.
Comments
You can ask her to slow down, but you’re not fighting about the number of gigs that she does. You’re fighting because she’s built a life that she prefers, that you don’t like, and that doesn’t include you? What you really want to ask her is, “Are you changing your mind about the life we planned?” And what you have to ask yourself is, “Do I want this version of her?”
Sounds like your problem is more that you feel she isn’t making you a priority.
Basically, yes, it’s wrong for you to demand she cut back, and also wrong for you to project your need to be “more normal and mature” to her.
What you CAN do is ask that she also makes time for you, dates and other things go in the calendar and are treated as important as the gigs — practice and preparation included.
How can she include you if you’re acting miserable the whole time? You spent several paragraphs discussing how much you dislike that she’s in a band, that she enjoys performing and how much you dislike everyone else in the band and at the show. Your bad attitude will wreck it for others.
You can only control you. If you making crappy passive aggressive remarks is causing fights, stop making them.
If you want her to share and include you, be supportive instead of sulky. If you punish her for sharing by being passive aggressive, you’ll extinguish thar behavior.
Getting upset she’s getting praise and deciding you need to tear her down in retaliation is a significant red flag. If she were posting, she’d be told to dump you.