Hi all, something I’ve realised is how men of different ages treats me, a young woman (18F) in public. I’ve found older men to be much more of a “gentleman”, where out of the total, non romantic positive interactions I have had with men (e.g holding the door, allowing me to go first on the escalator), a large percentage have been men over the age of 30.
Now to be clear, I’m not trying to make a blanket statement and say younger men are rude in public, I’ve had very few negative experiences with 18-30 year old men and the vast majority of the time, everyone respects each other’s space and also I’m not demanding every person to be extra nice to me since that would be crazy lol.
But I do find it interesting that older men are much more likely to be a little nicer, so is it just maturity or more old fashioned values?
Comments
Here’s an original copy of /u/strawberry-tartpie’s post (if available):
Hi all, something I’ve realised is how men of different ages treats me, a young woman (18F) in public. I’ve found older men to be much more of a “gentleman”, where out of the total, non romantic positive interactions I have had with men (e.g holding the door, allowing me to go first on the escalator), a large percentage have been men over the age of 30.
Now to be clear, I’m not trying to make a blanket statement and say younger men are rude in public, I’ve had very few negative experiences with 18-30 year old men and the vast majority of the time, everyone respects each other’s space and also I’m not demanding every person to be extra nice to me since that would be crazy lol.
But I do find it interesting that older men are much more likely to be a little nicer, so is it just maturity or more old fashioned values?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
TIL 30 is older. I’m in my 50s 😭
As I’ve aged I’ve come to realise that, in many ways, life is what you make it. Why not be nice to the girl behind the counter for no other reason than you want to spread some good cheer?
I’ve just learned over the years it’s a nicer way to interact with people. Selfless acts of kindness are done not to impress or get something from others, but simply because it feels right to do (I’m 44)
I think it’s because society is changing. Before you had to be a “gentleman” and there were very specific social roles men and women were supposed to play. Things are more open now in both sides, for example, some women don’t like for anyone to open the door for them cause they can do it themselves.
This is also a personal preference, you think it’s “being nice,” some people think it’s “good manners,” others don’t like it at all, it depends.
Sometimes older men are actually being ‘creeps’ and trying to get you to fall for their very fake gentlemanly ways.
> (e.g holding the door, allowing me to go first on the escalator)
They’re more old-fashioned. Younger men are more likely to treat you equally. Not doing the things in your example isn’t rude, it’s just treating you like anyone else.
I’m retirement age. I’m also on the tall and large size (194 cm, 100 kg). My parents explicitly taught me a code of conduct based on the idea of “might for right”, the idea that since I had been blessed with size and strength I had an obligation to help others not as physically capable. This includes anyone smaller or weaker than me regardless of gender, which for most of my life has been most other people.
So (within reason) I often hold doors for people, help people struggling to reach or lift things, give way when exiting spaces and give up my seat on public transport as needed.
This is just my experience so I can’t speak for everyone of course but many of my childhood friends were raised the same way.
Young men are constantly told “you aren’t entitled to XYZ”, while still to some extent being expected to uphold traditional roles and responsibilities. A lot are actually just implementing actual egalitarianism and/or checking out, which is totally valid.
It’s much easier to be nice than to be a jerk. There’s no reason not to start off an interaction pleasantly. Men, generally, mellow with time
Being gentlemanly used to be one of the highest valued, almost essential, traits a man could possess. As for why it’s less common among younger folk, I guess that comes down to perhaps different upbringings, but also the fact that these days if you hold a door open for certain groups of people, you might get your head bitten off.
It’s likely because a certain degree of politeness and courtesy is actually rewarded in society. Especially if you work in any job with other people. So even if someone isn’t predisposed to be courteous life would teach them to be that way anyway. People over the age of 30 have presumably learnt at least that unless they’re just super disagreeable and stubborn people (which there also are).
The young men are probably worried you’re going to call the cops on them they even look in your direction
A friend of mine in his 50s explains it that he was always aware women saw men as a threat, or kindness as a come on. Now he’s older that’s all gone away, so he’s more relaxed, and as he puts it ‘gets to be all twinkly’.
As a younger man:
I extend the same general courtesies to anyone, regardless of gender.
Honestly, with everything that’s been said in the past decade or so about how men act towards women in public, my default position is to just leave women who I don’t know alone to go about their day.
So you’re wondering why older men are more old-fashioned?
I don’t think this is a male issue. I find all older people more patient and smile a lot more.
When they’re ladies, they’re “sweet old women” being “kind”, when it’s blokes their actions manifest themselves as “gentlemanly”. Same thing really. I always remember this being the case for the last 50 years, nothing to do with people changing ideals in my opinion.
I think that people tend to mellow out and get a bit out of their own heads with age (at least, if you’re lucky) – and that translates to a bit more room for kindness
Demands to be treated equally. Gets treated equally.
surprisedpikachu.jpg/nonotlikethat.jpg
At 56 I have no inkling that anyone thinks I am making a pass at them. I’ve reached kindly father/grandfather status. I also simply don’t care if anyone does mistake a courtesy as an attempt to pick them up as I’ve been happily married for 21 years. I also treat everyone the same and so will hold the door for a guy as well.
All of that being said, a guy will always say thanks when I do it. On the other hand about 1/4 of the women simply walk on by without any acknowledgement whatsoever like the world owes it to them, especially younger women. That privileged attitude could be part of the problem as well.