I (M32) went to a friend’s house today, and took a bus. After couple of stops pair of teenagers take places in front of me. They were loud, that had empty bottle, which they threw at each other. Their actions irritate me, but I tried to mind my own business an do not give af. Some time later one of them opened window, and threw that bottle right in a middle of traffic (which irritated me once more).
Eventually, one of them spat out the window and it hit me a bit. I didn’t even acknowledge as I lean forward, took him by the shoulder and asked him to not do that anymore. He said “ok” and turned back.
After a couple of minutes he turned back at me, and stared me in the eyes. And I felt like I lost. I couldn’t maintain eye contact with him, and didn’t know what to do. It happened right before my stop, so I left the bus. I heard them laughing about something behind my back, and felt very anxious – my hands and legs were shaking, and heart was beating hard.
I’ve always tried to avoid conflicts (even though, I think, that I need to learn how to behave in a conflict, from time to time), and this were a teenagers. If I felt like that with teenagers, what would have happened of it was an adult? Am I a coward, and if so, how could I overcome that?
Ps: English is not my native, hope I made myself clear
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Here’s an original copy of /u/NightCrawler29’s post (if available):
I (M32) went to a friend’s house today, and took a bus. After couple of stops pair of teenagers take places in front of me. They were loud, that had empty bottle, which they threw at each other. Their actions irritate me, but I tried to mind my own business an do not give af. Some time later one of them opened window, and threw that bottle right in a middle of traffic (which irritated me once more).
Eventually, one of them spat out the window and it hit me a bit. I didn’t even acknowledge as I lean forward, took him by the shoulder and asked him to not do that anymore. He said “ok” and turned back.
After a couple of minutes he turned back at me, and stared me in the eyes. And I felt like I lost. I couldn’t maintain eye contact with him, and didn’t know what to do. It happened right before my stop, so I left the bus. I heard them laughing about something behind my back, and felt very anxious – my hands and legs were shaking, and heart was beating hard.
I’ve always tried to avoid conflicts (even though, I think, that I need to learn how to behave in a conflict, from time to time), and this were a teenagers. If I felt like that with teenagers, what would have happened of it was an adult? Am I a coward, and if so, how could I overcome that?
Ps: English is not my native, hope I made myself clear
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Some people, both men and women, go through this world just looking for a fight. Don’t make their problems, your problem.
I wouldn’t feel too bad, most people are cowards. Only way to stop fearing conflict is to be in a lot of them.
Doesn’t mean you have to fight people or anything, but like anything else in life you just need experience.
They’re the one with the problem, not you. If you dwell on this interaction, you’ve lost. Those people have forgotten about you and you should return the favour 👍🏻
Most people would not want a confrontation. There’s no way of telling what reaction you’ll get from someone behaving irrationally. I’ve been in a similar situation where three people were acting out, one of whom decided to sit next to me and repeatedly punch the seat in front. I was pretty sure he wanted a reaction from me, so I didn’t react. It was scary, but it was the right decision because he went to sit somewhere else.
Also, remember that you’re allowed to move seats, talk to the driver at the next stop, or just get off the bus and catch the next one. You could also look to see if your area has a text service for transit police. In my area, I can text a number to report antisocial behaviour on public transport (which is safer than calling it in). If the police are available, they’ll meet the bus at a following stop, or they’ll notify security officers to meet the bus at the terminus, or at a minimum they’ll ask the bus company to check the onboard CCTV and send it in if relevant.
The victory you want is over yourself, not over these children acting as if they’re worthless. They’re self-defeating and miserable or they wouldn’t behave this way, and behaving that way just means more unhappiness for them. They lose when you don’t engage.
Sometimes confrontation must happen. But we live in well-regulated and mostly nonviolent societies, so confrontation does not usually involve the possibility of violence; if there is anything but imminent assault you can’t escape, walk away. So accept that you did the right thing with these silly kids.
But what you’re talking about needing is assertiveness that you can modulate. That just takes practice so, go ahead and practice. Remember this world is very safe. Most of the time.
The truth is man this isn’t a fear worth overcoming. Sounds like you stood your ground without being goaded into more serious situation. The fact is a physical assault can change your life or even end it. For what? Some prison bound moron won a staring contest? My advice is to focus on processing the feelings resulting from this in a healthy way but continuing to live your life in a non confrontational way.
Attend self-defence classes. This will give you more physical self-confidence. This doesn’t mean you have to get into a fight. It just means you will have a feeling of self-assurance that if attacked, you could defend yourself.
I trained in Ju-Jitsu for years and found that once i knew i COULD fight on a situation, I wasn’t really worrying about it getting to that point. I would either ignore the situation, or if it escalated, wasn’t too concerned.
I’m not saying train, and go all Batman, but i think if you did, you’d just start seeing things differently
Avoid teenagers period. More or so of they are in a pack.
There’s a left, mid and right curve to this scenario
The left curve is you don’t know what to do so you sit there and try to ignore them, despite their attempts to annoy and intimidate you
The mid curve version is you game-theorise what you would do next time, and come up with different approaches: should I confront them, should I try to intimidate them back, do I attend self defence classes, or carry something to defend myself with, or find some clever way to somehow disarm or disempower them so they’ll stop
The right curve version is you know how to handle yourself it really came to it and you could cause these kids actual harm or worse, so you just sit there and ignore them, despite their attempts to annoy and intimidate you
The best way to fight is to avoid a fight.
Weirdly, you’ve probably got the least to fear out of fights compared to overconfident people that seek them out.
When it comes to people in public. You do have to be careful with getting involved.
However, if the kid spit and it splashed on me, yeah I’d def say something. If he looked me in the eye, he would know better.
That shaking you felt is fight or flight. Everyone gets it.
Bro, 1rst – you are all right. You are an adult, you wanna live, you don’t need stupid stuff like “become an alfa of this tribe”. Your body rushes adrenaline in a stressful situation – because it expects a fight. It was not a fear it was a battle readiness.
2nd – teens sometimes are chaotic, uncontrollable, radical. They however still have “soft bodies” and untrained adult men are actually stronger in general. Teens are still a bit afraid to go into the direct conflict, but you never know. There are lost kids who want that.
Again – you did right when you avoided a conflict. I’d also change a sit, you don’t wanna be too close to trouble makers.
3rd – I really really recommend you to go to box classes. I tried it when I was already an adult and it changed me completely. When I understood that it is not so scary to be hit in the face. I felt like I had control over my life. I always was a nerd and in classes I fought with young and big dudes, and even managed to hit an opponent several times in a face too. It was pretty fun.
But what I’m saying is – you are scared about “something in the future which could happen” but you don’t really know. When you feel it – you know what to expect. And you will gain this right look. When guys on the steer will not touch you because you have different sight. Your eyes will say: “c’mon, man, say something to me. So I can smash your face” (and maybe even a little maniac smile). I think I have it. And sometimes I look like I want to fight, or if someone jumps on me (with words) I smile and wait (“c’mon, say something so I can finally hit you”) – and they always step back because of this look and this smile. But you have to be ready to go further. If you get scared on the middle of your way to actual fight – they will feel it. (Your eyes will be different, you will avoid eye contact, your voise will change)
PS – I have to say it – even if you are a good fighter it is smarter to go (or run) away. Especially on the street, especially if they have more people. Stay smart. It is only about gaining some confidence, not actual fights. Stay safe, bro.
Teenagers are probably one of them most dangerous kinds of people you come across on the street. They’re short sighted af and live in another world than us trying to fit in and cultivate an image of themselves towards their friends. Big egos with little real life experiences to humble them. They don’t think about how they will fuck their lives up before they do something.
You as an adult know better, know you have a lot to lose, and know the consequences of your actions (ideally). With that in mind, just walk away or call the cops and let them handle it. It’s really not worth it, you gain nothing and stand to lose a lot in return.
Regarding making eye contact, I don’t play that stupid game anymore with people. It’s a childish dick measuring contest and ironically it’s posturing because nobody actually wants to fight. Someone that does want to fight is not going to stare you down, they’re going to punch you in the face.
I promise you that if kid was alone and not surrounded by his friends, he’d be a lot less confrontational. Especially since he already didn’t do anything the first time you told him to stop.
Lastly, people that aren’t scared are stupid or crazy. Everyone gets scared, especially in situations like this with a group of punks acting like idiots. You’re not less of a man for being scared.
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Well of course you felt this way, you were challenged and lost to a bunch of teenagers. They saw you as an easy target and they brought you down to their level as if you were back in middle school because you couldn’t defend yourself.
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Are you just now realizing that teenagers are generally annoying?
I carry an equalizer because I am too old to physically fight any more. Surgery, injuries, age, arthritis all take their toll and leaves you as an easy mark. I am not afraid because I live in a concealed carry state and I do not hesitate to remind people that we live in a concealed carry state. This makes people think twice and they mind their own business but if you have to pull it out be prepared to use it. Younger years I found that brass knuckles worked very well. Left quite a few with souvenirs.
Your reaction was very human. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re not a coward by any means.
He literally split on you, looked you in the eye and you felt like you lost.
Are you ok living like that?
Never had that happen to me, and I know for sure that it won’t either.
Join a BJJ or boxing gym. 2 things will happen. First your whole posture and vibe will change, and second you won’t be looking for fights anymore.
Kids, especially teenagers need to be put in their place. Either verbally or physically. It takes a village…