I met my girlfriend back in senior high school. She confessed that she liked me, and we started talking online. Eventually, I fell for her too and courted her for almost a year before asking her to be my girlfriend. I’m kind of old-school, so I wanted to show her I was serious by doing it the traditional way.
But when I finally asked her to be my girlfriend, she told me she needed to consult her pastor first before giving me an answer. At the time, I didn’t really think too much about it. She eventually said yes, and we’ve now been together for five years.
When COVID hit, our relationship turned long-distance because of the lockdown so everyone can’t go to school to study. I live about three hours away, and since her family won’t allow her to stay at my place (even for one night according to her), I’m always the one traveling to see her. If I stay at her house, I sleep on the couch. We’ve also practiced abstinence the entire relationship because she wants to remain a virgin until marriage, and I’ve respected that.
Fast forward to her college graduation: I stayed at her house for a few days, attended the ceremony, and joined in the big celebration. Her mom insisted on my family joining the celebration to they did and eventually her mon even told me (in front of my parents) that she was giving us her blessing to get married after we both graduate. I wasn’t planning on proposing immediately, but hearing that from my girlfriends mom made me really happy.
Then, out of nowhere, her pastor interrupted and said: “Oh, so you’re giving them your blessing already? Not me though I’m not giving my blessing yet.” Everyone were shocked at first yet laughed it off anyway, but I honestly found it weird. Why would I even need this pastor’s blessing? She’s not family. My parents later brought it up too and said they were concerned.
When I asked my girlfriend about it, she brushed it off as a joke. I asked her straight up: if the pastor hadn’t approved of me back then, would she still have said yes? She told me she would, which reassured me at the time.
Now here’s the current issue: my graduation is in a few weeks. It’ll end late at night, so I suggested my girlfriend stay at my mom’s house afterward (it’s literally right next door to mine). That way, she wouldn’t have to travel home alone at night without a car. But she flat-out refused. She said she’d rather have her uncle pick her up—even though it’s a 3-hour drive for him—than stay the night at my mom’s.
I reminded her that we’ve been celibate for five years, and I’ve never once broken that promise or pressured her. Staying at my mom’s house wouldn’t violate her beliefs, I even asked her where in the bible specifically does it not allow my suggestion to her. Still, she refused, and now she doesn’t even want to talk about it.
At this point, I’m frustrated. I love her, but I feel like I’m the only one compromising and sacrificing. And honestly, I can’t shake the feeling that her pastor still has influence over her decisions, even if she won’t admit it.
So, Reddit—after five years together, is this relationship still worth it?
TL;DR: Been with my girlfriend for 5 years, long-distance, practicing abstinence. When I first asked her out, she had to consult her pastor before saying yes. Recently, her mom gave us her blessing to marry, but the pastor interrupted and said she wasn’t giving hers. Now my girlfriend won’t even stay at my mom’s house for my graduation (3-hour drive away) because of “religious reasons.” I feel like the pastor still controls her decisions. Not sure if I should keep this going. The pastor is a woman btw.
Comments
No, it’s not worth it.
Unless you’re willing to join that cult.
And have your kids grow up in a cult.
5 years? 5 whole years, and you’re still not even sure? You haven’t talked to this pastor person yourself? Why?
5 fuckin years wasted on a red flag you got on day one?
>but I feel like I’m the only one compromising and sacrificing. And honestly, I can’t shake the feeling that her pastor still has influence over her decisions, even if she won’t admit it.
You seem to have a pretty solid grasp on the situation.
You’re five years into this thing which is long enough to start asking the big life questions. What would married life look like with someone this dependent on their pastor’s approval?
It sounds like this is less a partnership of two people than three. If it were me, I’d probably balk at it simply from the kid perspective. There’s no way on earth I’d allow my kids to grow up with the requirement that their every major life decision had to meet direct pastor approval first.
It’s also not great that five years in your girlfriend is such an enigma when it comes to the level that this pastor influences her life. Even if you don’t break up with her on this, there is no way you should get engaged to someone whose decision-making processes you do not even sort of understand.
You are the only one compromising and sacrificing. I cannot even imagine choosing a life partner who is happy without sex for that long. Yes I understand religion etc but still. It’s such an important part of a relationship for most people. I’ve found that anyone who has been celibate for any length of time is not very sexual and you are signing yourself up for very uninspired sex for the rest of your life.
Do your values align? Would she raise children to be intensely religious? Would she let them have boyfriends/girlfriends? What if they are gay?
She doesn’t sound interested in your wants or needs at all. Is this ok for you for the rest of your life? You’re so young, why are you tying yourself down to someone so restrictive and who you can’t even have a fun night together?
Nope. You already have a third party in your relationship, it won’t change over finances. Kids. Marriage. It comes down to whether or not you are okay with there always being a third voice in the decision-making in your life. One with a say that you don’t even get to talk to.