My friend and I go a long way back. I’ve known her since we were kids, and we’ve been actively the closest of friends for about 8 years now. We’ve been through thick and thin together, family drama, school problems, big decisions. I was always somewhat of an anchor to her. We’ve always turned to each other for advice, and we spend a lot of time together.
Fast forward to this summer. We met this guy through our group of friends. He and my friend actually knew each other very briefly as kids because their dads were close, but that was it. He took an interest in me, and because we’d both had bad experiences with relationships, we agreed to take it slow, go on dates, enjoy the connection, and keep it light. At the same time, the three of us plus another friend were playing a D&D campaign together, so he naturally became part of the group.
Over time I noticed my friend acting differently with him. She’d steal glances, bring up childhood memories between their dads, exclude me and our other friend from conversations, get physically close, hold his hand, play-fight, linger touches, even cuddle him once right in front of me. I saw she liked him a lot. I decided to step back because I wasn’t looking for a relationship and didn’t want to complicate my friendship with her.
Yesterday she told me and our friend that she and the guy hung out alone and kissed, describing it as “inevitable.” When I asked “what now?” I expected her to at least check in with me, but instead she kept talking about what would happen between the two of them. She knew I had gone on dates with him, kissed him, and even made future plans together like going to a concert and starting another D&D campaign.
I don’t care about the guy. He clearly wasn’t serious with me, and I wasn’t serious with him either. What hurts is her behavior. She openly pursued him while I was still involved, sometimes literally climbing over me to sit in his lap. She also made catty comments, like exaggerating the number of boyfriends I’ve had, and then sulked when the group and I corrected her.
I wouldn’t have minded if she liked him, because attraction happens. What matters is how we choose to act on it. If she had been honest from the beginning, we would have figured it out together and I would have stepped back without hesitation. Instead, it feels like she didn’t think of me at all. That’s what hurts most.
I’m asking for advice here because I don’t want to involve our friend group and make anyone choose sides, and I’d rather try and solve this with her privately. Our mutual friend has already approached me saying “It’s crazy that she’s picking up your leftovers. I hate this.”, but I’ve refrained from commenting on it with him any further. I don’t want to gossip, I actually want to solve this.
How do I handle this? Do I confront her directly, step back from the friendship, or try to let it slide? I mean, I’m probably gonna confront her directly, but still, how do I go about it?
TL;DR
Was casually seeing a guy, my best friend swooped in, flirted with him openly in front of me, and now they’re kissing. I don’t care about the guy, I care that my closest and most trusted friend didn’t think twice about me.
Comments
Your friend literally climbed over you to sit in his lap while you were dating him, then described kissing him as “inevitable” without checking with you first. That’s someone who prioritizes what she wants over basic respect for you.
Tell her directly: “You openly pursued someone I was dating, made it awkward for everyone, and didn’t even discuss it with me first. That’s not how I expect my closest friend to treat me.” Don’t let her deflect with “but you weren’t serious”, the issue is her complete disrespect for you and the group dynamic.
Eight years of friendship doesn’t give someone a free pass to treat you poorly.
She may be your best friend, but you are not her best friend