Husband (26M) told me (26F) that he has been depressed for years last night

Last night, I confronted my husband that he is not interested in sex like he used to be, and since we’ve been having this conversation for over a year, I expressed my pain that I knew he was hiding something because his excuses were not adding up. All of a sudden, he broke down and sobbed – I’ve never seen him shed a tear before – and told me he has felt depressed cyclically since beginning college (8 years). We’ve been together for 4 of those years, and married for only a few months now. He also told me he’s never told anyone this before, even his therapist. I knew he struggles with a lack of self confidence, social anxiety, and OCD-like tendencies, but I had no idea it went this deep. I don’t know that he is clinically depressed based on the symptoms, but I know he was trying to express hopelessness and pain.

I am left with so many thoughts:

1. Hurt. He said he hated himself, which broke my heart, because he is incredibly lovable and I don’t think anyone else on earth hates him. He said he never felt like he fit in, but he can’t open up, so how can anyone accept him? I am the only person on earth that he can be a fraction of himself with. Even his family and close friends think he is shy and closed off.

2. Anger. How could he have hid this from me? We JUST got married. It feels really messed up that he would stand up on the alter with me knowing he was keeping this big, pertinent secret from me. Additionally, I have been begging for him to do therapy, come out of his shell, try new things for our entire relationship. It never made sense to me why he wouldn’t try. Now I see why, and his problems are so much bigger than I thought. When I ask him about what he is feeling, it is clear he has done no mental processing whatsoever in 8 years, and has just hid these feelings deep inside himself. That isn’t shocking knowing him, but as someone who is very in touch with my emotions and likes to attack things head on, it is maddening.

3. Fear. My father struggles with depression, and I’ve watched my mother deal with the repercussions of that my entire life. For a lot of my childhood, my father was miserable to be around and completely checked out. If I am honest, I might not have dated or married my husband knowing he could be anything like my father. Now I feel like I am stuck. I still love my husband just as much as before, but this is a new potential burden for my anxiety to latch onto. I had always thought a little bit of therapy and self love would solve his problems, and then he could be a confident, happy person. Now I am scared he will never be able to achieve that.

4. Shame. This is the biggest one. How could I happily go about my day for FOUR years, and marry the man, without noticing something deeper was off? He has no hobbies, no close friends. He fights me every time we have to spend money, go on a trip, do something social, etc. He has expressed feeling like a failure at work although his performance reports show he is the highest achiever at his job. And I thought that was just ok? Even worse, I have been so hard on him lately, for very trivial and stupid things. I know I contributed to his current state, and that kills me.

THANKFULLY, he has assured me he has never thought seriously about suicide. He doesn’t want me to tell anyone we know, which is nearly impossible since I am an external processor. I have already signed myself up for a short course of talk therapy offered through my work so I can have professional guidance. In the meantime, can anyone offer words of wisdom or support?

TLDR: I am struggling with all the emotions after my new husband confided in me that he has been struggling with feeling not good enough and hopeless for the last near-decade.