TLDR: My wife and I have been married over a decade, have kids and a house, etc., a solid, stable marriage in general, and yet I can still feel very low when it seems she puts little to no effort into our relationship—for example, on an anniversary night out.
I’ve been married to my wife for some time now. We’re fully settled down in life with a house, two kids, pets, and careers in full swing. We’re middle-aged and I guess we’re past the point that either of us feels we have to prove anything to anyone.
Sometimes, I feel very taken for granted to the point that I’ve wondered if she still has any of the old affection for me. I’ve gone through bouts of worrying that she just lost all feelings for me, but there’s enough of a spark and plenty of kind gestures in the mix that I let those specific worries pass.
Then I have nights like last night, our anniversary. Not a “big” anniversary, kind of an odd year. But an anniversary nonetheless. I dressed up in the best outfit I could put together, clothes I believe she likes on me, a nice shirt she got me as a present. And she threw on jeans and a t-shirt. Not even particularly nice ones.
And that night I tried to talk about things I love about us, positive things about our life together. She listed her anxieties and problems she sees in our family. (Not “cause for divorce” type stuff, more like garden variety development concerns about our kids, their attention spans, academics, social skills, etc.)
By mid-way through the date night, I just felt spent. I wanted the night to be over. I didn’t have any cause to be upset with her. It just felt like I’d put in the effort to make the night special and she hadn’t. And I don’t know if there’s anything more to it than fatigue on her part, or if I have any real cause to complain.
I wasn’t going to pick a fight with her over it. I just don’t know how—amidst all the other family, job, and life stuff we have going on—to say “am I not worth trying to impress or woo anymore? Is that time just over for us, or did I do something to cool your jets?”
Comments
Is it possible she’s lost herself a bit in “being a mom?” How does she feel about her body and appearance? How much free time does she get per week to spend on herself? How would you describe her baseline stress/anxiety level?
I get you. I am in a similar situation myself. You have to have a proper, open conversation with her. You may need to go back to it, if she first reacts defensively. I don’t blame you for feeling low over it. A lot of long-term married couples end up feeling like best friends/roommates with kids.
Instead of a date night, you two need to have a “state of the union” conversation. If your wife is depleted by everyday life, she’s not going to be excited for a date night – it’s just going to be one more thing that she “has to” do. This doesn’t need to be a “fight” — if y’all have fights when you have “check-ins”, then there might be some deeper marital issues to be addressed. Probably you can say to her, I was really disappointed by the way our anniversary one – I really wanted the night to be special, but the energy just wasn’t there. And I’ve been feeling that way sometimes in our marriage as a whole, that we could use some new energy. What do you think?”
The stability of a shared life can sometimes become its own quiet cage. The deepest loneliness is not being alone, but feeling unnoticed by the person who shares your home.