Husband 34M just left me 33F
Where to begin… my husband (34M) and I (33F) had what felt a make-or-break period over the last few weeks. We’ve been together for about 2 years. Married just over 1.
We finally had what seemed like a breakthrough conversation and we seemed to be doing ok.
There was still not as much tenderness or warmth or empathy as I’d have liked… but it was going ok.
Today, I had a doctor appointment and my husband wanted to know ‘why’ I got a diagnosis rather than showing me the empathy I really needed… it’s like I can never take up space or something with him.
I shut down a bit and went inwards, he’s making it harder for him to get through to me.
We ended up almost making plans to see friends… but he decided to leave and isolate himself (his words)… he’s gone to his parents house.
I have no one else here. No family. No friends. I changed my life to be with him. I have no job at the moment and a few invoice payments coming my way over the next few weeks… but I’m scared. I wish he could have been kinder to me… I have no car now, because he took the one we were sharing. I think I’m in shock and I had a panic attack as he was leaving.
Part of me has fully decided I’m not going to chase someone who can walk out on me… part of me is numb… part of me is heartbroken…
Please, can I have some advice how to get through this?
Extra info: I moved from Europe to be with him in the US. All my friends and family are in Europe. My mother passed away in January, and he has not been supportive or kind with me. Today he made it seem like I’d beaten him down for needing more from him. He thinks I’m putting pressure on him, but he doesn’t see how much I’ve done and lost for him. I’m in shock that he can just leave me when I’m going through all of this. He will do anything but be tender and flexible with me…
UPDATE: he texted me a bunch of reasons why it’s too hard for him to continue right now – that I’ve not been listening to him, that I’m better off without him, that he can’t fulfill what I need. We had deep conversations about all of this recently. It’s ironic he thinks I’m not listening to him, all I’ve done is listen to him. He is a taker and he never fills my cup up. I just don’t have it any more. He left, I can’t chase him. He could have stepped out for an hour and come back, but he completely left. I really needed him. He has never been able to come through for me in such a long time now. I really just needed some support.
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I’m very sorry this is happening to you. When your life has mainly been focused on a relationship, its end makes it feel like an even larger loss as there is no support system or anything else to make you feel “afloat”. I’ve been there and it does get better over time. What I learned in my situation is never make your happiness dependent on other people, never accept any less than what you believe you deserve (if you aren’t happy most of the time in the relationship, something is wrong), and now is the perfect time to tick things off your list of “I’ve always wanted to do xyz…” e.g. I learned French and lived in France for 6 months, best experience of my life.
OP, I’ve been in your situation. I will start with saying- everything will be ok. You need to focus on your health first. Then, assuming it’s in check- look for a job, get a car, get friends.
You will be ok tat way no matter the outcome of your relationship.
[deleted]
Maybe he just needs some space doesn’t sound like he’s gone for good
May seem cheesy and random but I felt really called to share this with you: The woman who rebuilds herself
I’ve been where you are 100%.
It is going to be okay, and it may seem scary now but take it as a moment to feel the pain and self reflect and re align yourself and life to working on yourself and holding yourself through this the best you can.
I’m sorry this is all happening like this and this has happened. Sending you strength. 🌹
I went through this and kept trying and choosing a relationship like this over and over until I finally I realized I love myself and value myself way too much to invest into a life partner who LEANS OUT when you need them the most. Who leans out when life is hard or challenge comes out.
(The constant pain of that taught me for years in past relationships that deep down I wasn’t worthy of having a love that felt right for me and that it was normal for my partner to abandon, leave, lean out, or get further away when life got challenging until I decided that I didn’t want a life like that and that i am actually worthy of having a partner who sits in the fire when the intensity of life’s struggles is highly uncomfortable).
Yes we all need space and alone time in moments but I think this is creating space for you to reflect… and for you to get to decide if this behavior feels healthy FOR YOU and if you want to constantly live a life in relationship with someone who doesn’t know how to hold you or be with you when you need them the most.
… Or someone who constantly triggers the feeling that you are asking for too much to be supported through the extremely real challenges that happens in life… like death. Especially death of your mother.
The right partner will LEAN IN when life gets hard not away. They will lean in when you need them the most, and will sit through the discomfort of the struggles that life will inevitably bring. It is possible. I’m rooting for you.
And also PS- asking for kindness in times of extreme grief and change is bare minimum and not something you should be needing to ask for IMO.
Again – I’m really sorry this is all happening while your in such an intense time of change and have put so much sacrifice into this.
I want to understand what is the problem in him want to know what is the doctor’s appointment was for?
Edit after OP’s reply
I am sorry you are going through this. It’s horrible what he did. I think you should make an exit plan. He is not reliable. And this attitude will not lead to a healthy relationship.