After a long failed relationship and then two short term situationships…i made a promise to myself to stop overlooking red flags in the beginning and to start walking away as soon as I see them because as men get more comfortable with you they only get worse.
I met a guy about a month ago…he seemed very into me. We had crazy chemistry and it got physical fast. He was very consistent with communication at first, always responsive and always wanting to make plans to see me. Then after about 2 and a half weeks i started noticing a change in his behavior…taking longer to respond, falling asleep mid convo, not inviting me out…just overall more distant and colder and it seemed like it was almost overnight. As soon as he started making excuses and I started feeling anxious I told him I didnt want to continue talking anymore. He’s reached out a few times since and I haven’t responded.
I’ll admit it was a lot easier when he was reaching out and trying…but now that he stopped Im sad and questioning if I did the right thing. I know I did…he exhibited a lot of behaviors from my exes who cheated and werent good partners…but nobody talks about how difficult and lonely it is cutting somebody off that you really like because you know they will eventually hurt you.
Sigh…just looking for some support or similar situations.
Comments
You did the right thing 10000000%. Sounds like the man was love-bombing you
What i learned from my abusive relationship is that toxic and malicious people take our best traits and weaponize them against us. It is human nature to want to see the best in another human being, want to give them a second chance, to want to remember the good and to lead with kindness and reciprocity. That kind of attitude being reserved for your loved ones or even being applied to people to make a mistake or two usually ensures that you do not end up cutting everyone out in your life for just being human, and that you’re not miserable and alone when other people make temporary lapses or have miscommunications.
But people who are toxic take advantage of our better impulses. I was a very loving, caring, attentive partner, and with my ex that became forgiving and loving someone who was constantly hurting me, trying to control me, and eventually became violent against me.
You did good. It’s hard because it’s human.
Oh I thought this was gonna be a sad post, and I know you feel sad, but DAMN am I proud of you!! I haven’t mastered this yet. I always give another chance. My hope is next time I won’t because you and I both know that it never leads to what you really deserve.
You did fucking amazing. You saw him show his true colors. They weren’t aligned with how you expect to be treated. You removed access to yourself. Fucking boss ass bitch. Bravo.
It is hard and I feel the same way as you. When I am feeling lonely I think maybe one of my exes would be better than feeling alone :’(
Don’t have wisdom or advice for you other than I have felt that way as well and it is a tough feeling.
Sounds like you’ve actually done a great job of enforcing boundaries here. Unfortunately, doing the thing that’s healthiest for you in the long run doesn’t always feel the most instantly gratifying, and in fact in the short term often it’ll feel worse.
But you’re saving yourself a lot of needless stress and heartache in the long run. The fact that he eventually pulled back when you went cold is a good thing and means he’s unlikely to become a safety hazard in your life.
I’m horrible at setting boundaries and cutting people off, so I’m proud of you for doing so! My biggest problem is that I’ll see red flags and choose to ignore them because I like the person. I know that the person isn’t ideal or going to be anything serious long term yet I’ll find myself wanting to see them even more. I think in the long run, you’ll feel much better by making this decision now vs waiting until you’re more involved.
It sounds like you trusted yourself, and that’s huge.
When I’m feeling this way, I play out this thought exercise: pretend you didn’t cut him off. Imagine you got serious and dated. Imagine dealing with those behaviors from your committed partner- being flaky, not feeling like they were that into you. Always feeling anxious about how they felt about you.
Don’t you think you’d look back at this moment right now and think “damn, I should have left then”
Good job. You did the thing!
You did great! Well done. And yes—it is a huge dang bummer.
One thing I noticed: you said that “you know [he] will eventually hurt you,” but… he already did hurt you. His behavior and excuses made you anxious! Emotional pain is still hurt.
If possible, I recommend that you block their number to avoid the looking-back-and-ruminating habit that is very hard to avoid and supremely unhelpful.
Best of luck and many hugs.
Oh my god I’m going through a very similar situation. I also just ended a situationship that was about a month long because I was seeing red flags in his behaviour and then he told me a story that I really didn’t find cool / funny and my gut reaction was yeah no. I don’t want to move forward.
So I was honest with him and he took it well. Maybe a little defensive. But anyways I felt SO uncomfortable speaking my mind / not making excuses to not listen to my gut feeling only because he was so good looking and charming. Boundaries are also new for me lol
I was SO uncomfortable that I apologized to him….. asked if he wanted to talk on the phone. He never answered. Embarrassing af.. I regret apologizing. I had a moment of weakness. But I blocked him and I’m choosing to move on. I’m grateful it was only a month and not years, you know?
And I have moments where I get sad and think dammit, I’ll never find someone. I hate situationships and I keep finding myself in them. Especially lately. Although they keep getting shorter and shorter because I’m trying to live more honestly and be confident in what I want and not just get obsessed with a guy because he likes me and is hot and we have a nice time lol
Sounds like you’ve also been in too many toxic situations to ignore red flags early on. It’s tough. I also love giving people the benefit of the doubt. And I fall for people’s potential (not good, I need to work on that). So I often excuse behaviour. I also crush on people very hard. I’m a romantic but I have to be smart too (is what I’m learning).
So anyways, you did the right thing even though it was uncomfortable. Learn from my mistake and DONT message him or go back. Can I tell you how amazing blocking felt 😅 I felt like I was just waiting and waiting and ruminating. So just keep pushing forward. I guess if it’s meant to be it will? But trust your gut. I often question my gut feelings but I’m just doing something different and listening to it. Holy shit it’s difficult. Sorry for the long comment!!!
Because when you enforce them people disappear and it shows you what was more important to people. And when you’re not what’s important it hurts.
You did great! I’m so proud of you. Every time a woman chooses herself and her future self, it’s a win.
I feel you, OP. Just sent a text to someone I had great vibes and dates with for a month until he dropped off the face of the earth for a camping trip because “he doesn’t look at his phone” while doing that and acted as if I was insane for wanting a message during his week away. As soon as he came back into town, he was texting a ton again, asking me to hang out but again only around his schedule.
The problem is that men often know what to do and say. At this point, I consider it a bit of gaslighting to ask women to choose better because these men know what they’re doing. They give you green flags for a month and then boom, go totally off the rails.
But that’s where your new boundaries come in! You are actively changing your behavior and it SUCKS but you’re doing it!!!
Future you is so thankful. ❤️ you deserve consistency.
I think it’s only hard to have boundaries until you experience how much better your life is with them, and then you wonder why you didn’t reinforce them sooner. Change is hard. There’s a lot of uncertainty, especially asking if it’s going to be worth it, and not everyone will understand. You might even have to leave some relationships behind or significantly limit contact because they are actively obstructing your growth.
But, little by little, you start to feel at peace and clarity comes more easily, and it starts to feel VERY worth it.
He sounds avoidant. Avoidant people often love bomb and rush into things because they are insecure and need validation. Once they get it as in once you fell for him, he no longer felt the need to pursue you or continue because he got the validation he wanted.
That and/or he was onto another girl, hence not responding for long periods of times, “falling to sleep” etc. As a woman who has also dealt with guys like this before (cheaters) I later found out all these times they disappeared or fell asleep for a day, they were actually with another girl, who was now a higher priority and trying to push me or the side. You say you’ve attracted cheaters so likely the case here as well.
Be proud of yourself for recognizing the signs and cutting it off. That shows you learned from the past and are doing better now. The fact that only after you left and cut things off, also shows he’s avoidant because he only wants you once you’re gone and unavailable to him. He misses the validation you gave him. If you let him back in he will eventually get comfortable and do the same exact thing. Stick to your boundaries and do not contact him. You walking way makes room for a better guy to come in and love you how you deserve to be loved.