My bff [30] has been in a relationship with her bf for over 6 years now. Three years ago (Dec. 2022) she told me and some other friends that they had picked out a ring and he was going to propose soon. Well, that never happened and now it’s gotten to the point where it’s beyond obvious he doesn’t want to marry her. She constantly vents to me that she’s “wearing him down the best she can” but he still hasn’t 1) bought a ring or 2) popped the question. She’s become so desperate for him to propose that today she told me she went to his 95 y/o grandpa to ask him if he’ll pressure his grandson into proposing. The situation has gotten so bad & I feel terrible for her, but IMO the writing is on the wall in capital letters. You shouldn’t have to beg someone to marry you, & if you do, GOODBYE. Though she’s never explicitly said it, I know she’s afraid of starting over and having to date again at 30. I believe that’s the only reason she’s staying with him and holding out hope that he will eventually propose, even if she’s not genuinely happy with him. I want to be a good, supportive friend to her, but it’s getting harder and harder to bite my tongue. I want so badly to tell her it’s time to walk away & find someone who actually wants to start a life with her. What would you do in my shoes?
EDIT: I forgot to mention, bf also just bought his mom a house without consulting my bff 💀 they currently rent a 1bd 1bath too. If that wasn’t a huge slap in the face, idk what is.
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I guarantee you she is much more aware of the situation than you think and if she isn’t asking your opinion or advice, I wouldnt share it. Just check out r/waiting_to_wed. some women run around the same mountain for over a decade
I would however, ask her “what if” questions to see how in denial she is
”would you be willing to stay in this relationship if you knew you’d never get married?”
Are you friends with her bf ? Do you think he wants to get married to her ?
Id say to your friend I think this is the last year you wait to get engaged. Otherwise he is wasting your precious life. She might hate you or end the friendship. No one appreciates the messenger. Shit im such an anti people pleaser id go to the boyfriend, say its been 6 years, either shit or get off the pot you are wasting my friends life and giving her false hopes which is massively fucked up.
Keep in mind your friend will probably want to marry this man bc of her long term time investment at this point. She will blame you or herself or anyone, never him. So be prepared if you try to wake her up to the reality of the situation or wake him up to his selfishness, you might lose her friendship.
Id go into it saying I am prepared to lose you as a friend to help you save your own future from this loser who doesnt want to marry you and is wasting your precious time and life
There are things to point out to her.
Like how would you feel if in 3 years you are in the same spot.
And the h
Japanese proverb about the longer you’re on the wrong train, the more expensive the ticket back is etc.
You don’t. It’s not your job to intervene in their relationship. This never ends well, she’ll just hate you. Just be there, be supportive, establish good boundaries for your own mental health, etc
You don’t really have to handle it. She’ll get up when she’s ready. You can tell her she’s doing too much but people gotta realize it for themselves
She knows this is sad. She knows that she’s sad. Support her emotionally, but there’s not really anything you can tell her that she doesn’t already know.
Unfortunately this is one of those situations where she just won’t listen to reason. I’m sure that she knows it’s sad, but the sunk cost fallacy is strong. It’s hard to let go of what you expect your life to be.
To give you a positive spin on this situation, one of my friends had a similar relationship. She sent him ring details a few years before he proposed. They had been together for at least 5-6 years at that point. Several of our other friends were engaged before she was, and they were with their SOs for a shorter period of time. We all thought “he’s either really afraid of marriage (what she claimed due to his parents’ nasty divorce when he was a kid) or he just doesn’t want to marry her”. Honestly we all leaned more to the latter. Jokes on us, because he did end up proposing. They’ve been married for over 7 years, have kids, and own a house together. Sometimes we can’t really predict.
You feel terrible for her?? She is a grown woman who is trying to get his family involved to pressure him into marriage. Great marriages don’t come from one partner wearing down the other one until they give up and say yes, and they don’t come from desperation. “Wearing him down the best she can”…he hasn’t proposed because he doesn’t want to!
She wants to get married. He doesn’t want to get married. That’s a pretty serious fundamental mismatch. She should find someone who wants to get married.
Is it just me who thinks it is nobody’s obligation to marry you? no matter how long they have been with you? I just think that if you really want to get married and the other person doesn’t, then that’s a huge incompatibility that either someone compromises or it is better to split and look for your happiness somewhere else. But honestly, men don’t really owe marriage to anybody, neither do women. In this case, I am not sure you can get your friend out of there, she probably knows already that the chances of him proposing are not so high… and in any case it is their own thing to discuss it showing all their cards, not with hints or pressure. As a friend, just offer a safe space and sympathy, let her know you care about her and perhaps say it’s time she considers if she is willing to compromise and accept he doesnt want to get married or if it might be better to get real unhappy for a shorter time with a breakup but then have the chance of finding something that can give her lifelong happiness or just forever be dissatisfied with her situation.
There’s really nothing you can do here. Unfortunately, some people need to learn their lessons on their own.
>She constantly vents to me that she’s “wearing him down the best she can”
Oh, that’s painful.
>I want so badly to tell her it’s time to walk away & find someone who actually wants to start a life with her.
If you don’t want to tell her this in so many words, wait until the next time she brings up how tired she is of waiting and start asking leading questions. What does she think the reason for the delay is? Does she feel like he wants to marry her? What if they never marry? Could she remain in the relationship just as it is now and still be happy? For how long? Does she actually want to be married to him specifically? Or just in general by X age?
you don’t. you mind your business unless she explicitly asks you for your opinion.
Omg. This is so real, such a hard thing to witness happening to your best friend. Unfortunately, she’s firmly planted in delulu land and I really don’t think there is much you can do. Just be supportive, try your best to speak positively about other people you know who are single and dating, and resist the impulse to grab her, shake her and scream ‘SNAP THE FUCK OUT OF IT ALREADY’.
Also, screw this guy who’s stringing her along. Such a coward, can’t use his big boy words and communicate honestly with her about how he’s really feeling! Guys like this will gradually become shittier and shittier partners over time so that their gf has no other choice but to end the relationship. I hate to say it, but if he hasn’t already cheated he probably will soon.
These guys will sit on their ‘good enough’ gf, reaping all the benefits of having a partner, all the while knowing he has zero intention of proposing. Ultimate time wasters.
I hope your friend finds the love she desires, and I hope she doesn’t make the mistake of marrying this guy.
Next time she’s venting, ask open-ended questions. Tone is key here, you want your tone to sound gentle, and curious—there’s no right answer, you’re just wondering how she feels.
“You’re trying pretty hard to get him to marry you. Does that change the way you feel about him?” “What if he never married you? Would you still want to be in this relationship?”
The goal is to get her thinking, not to convince her of something.
BRO i am in a very very very similar situation even the 6 years together part. i found that i basically have to take a step back and not bring it up with her. it’s not my decision, all i can do is be there to support her (in whatever capacity i can) and not bring it up unless she does. it’s really hard watching someone you love be in this situation. ive asked her several times why doesn’t she leave, ive also asked her all of the q’s everyone here is suggesting (great q’s), but if she doesn’t want to – she won’t.
Look, I get it, I absolutely do, however you just don’t know the reason for him not having proposed YET.
Has she had an honest and clear conversation with him to understand what both their views are on marriage? Has he ACTUALLY been stringing her along, or have they just not outright discussed it? Does she have a timeline in mind? Given she’s “wearing him down” has he explicitly said he doesn’t want to get married?
There’s a big difference between a man who agrees he wants to marry and just keeps saying “soon” vs one who just hasn’t cottoned onto hints/doesn’t think it’s considered that big a deal and carries on because he thinks they’re both happy with the status quo. If he has said outright he doesn’t want to get married, then that’s it. Just as women shouldn’t get married if they don’t want to, neither should men.
She needs to determine how important marriage is for herself. Because it could be that they’re incompatible.
Also… They’re both kind of young. They started dating in early/mid twenties. A lot of life and upheaval happens then and you’re still figuring out what you want, so YES 6 years is a while but also not in the context of where they were in life when they met, and what has happened since.
Just wanted to play devil’s advocate because I was with (my now) husband for 13 years before we got married. We met when we were late teens. And then we had university, terrible first jobs, back to school for masters degrees, unstable jobs, the pandemic and lockdowns and saving for a house and, and, and…
My point is, we lived through a lot of instability in those years, growing as people and as a couple.
We also hadn’t really discussed marriage and what it meant to us until about year 10/11. I was surprised that it was non-negotiable for him because it just wasn’t something I had strong feelings about one way or another, and assumed he was the same. But he wasn’t. He was extremely conscious of rings and settings and logistics, which is why he hadn’t done it sooner.
I was just completely unaware that this was something he had been factoring in during our tumultuous 20s. Which wasn’t entirely necessary but he didn’t know I felt otherwise.
I’m very well aware that we fall into the “exception not the rule” bucket with this kind of thing, but it absolutely DOES happen that the guy wants to marry her, but is holding back for some reason. Or he just doesn’t know how important it is to her. (People can be dense sometimes, myself included).
There’s not much you can do, you can’t make that decision for her. But you can encourage her to have an open conversation with him, about what marriage means to them both, if they even want to get married, and if so, timelines.
It seems as though she’s been straightforward about wanting to get married, but maybe not about what marriage means to her or her expectations or if she’s given him a chance to do express what he wants/thinks/feels.
Marriage should be a 2 yes, 1 no situation and badgering him into it without discussing what he wants and agreeing a way forward is a recipe for disaster.
I hope all works out well for her.
I would stay out of it. You can’t force logic onto someone. She’ll learn her lesson eventually, likely when he leaves her for a woman he actually wants to marry (he will do this in <1-2 years after the breakup).
My sister’s boyfriend didn’t want to marry her. He said to her he didn’t see her as the one he would marry. He applied for a job overseas without consulting her first (and when she said she didn’t know if she’d want to move, he said, oh well). Then after a few more years he married her. I don’t think it’s a great marriage – there is no way I would marry a man like that! – but it’s possible that your friend’s boyfriend will do the same. That’s her call to make, not yours.
You can set up boundaries about discussing it, though. Like when she mentions it again, you say, ‘Tell me when you are engaged, and we’ll celebrate so hard! But until then, what’s something good that’s happened for you lately?’
has she done it the adult non-proposal Way? the way is this
her: hi honey, we need to talk. do you want to get married? yes or no?
him; yes
her: great. cos me too. if you want to get married too and we agree on it. let’s discuss a date. what do you think about marrying in 6 months?
him; that’s fast
her: well you said you wanted to get married to so why wait? we’ve been together for a long time already. are we on the same page about marriage or not?
him; yes
her: great. let’s set a date and we can go ring shopping together in the lead up.
PROBLEM SOLVED!
IT’S CALLED A DISCUSSION! why the hell are women wasting their damn time for a proposal.
If your friend doesn’t have enough sense and self respect to leave this man (especially considering what you added at the bottom of this post) then there is nothing you can do. She’s a grown up making her own choices and she’s allowed to make stupid choices if she wants.
We’ve all been there with friends.
If my friend is in a delulu relationship, I’ll say something once. After that, I respect the fact that it’s their relationship and I have no place within it. I won’t say another word unless new information comes along OR I’m asked.
It’s her choice. You should not get involved. If she breaks up with him and regrets it, she’ll blame you. It’s between them. It’s her life, her relationship and her risk to take.
I would gently tell her that consent should be enthusiastically given, whether for sex, marriage, or kids, not “obtained” through pressure and wearing down. It is not normal, healthy, or fair to herself, him, or the rest of the people she’s dragging into this to try to “wear him down” and to try to convince other family member to pressure him.
I would not say it out loud in those words if I were her friend but honestly, what she’s doing is kinda gross. Or at the very least creepy and inappropriate. She has crossed an (ethical) line. I would encourage him to get out if I were his friend.
What I would focus with her is what she wants and where she’s coming from. I would tell her honestly and clearly: it is highly unlikely to result in a happy, lasting marriage. The odds are much higher that: he just keeps “dragging his feet” (and she eventually gets tired and leave), he gets tired of her attitude and leave, he gives in reluctantly but they end up divorced in the future. In these circumstances, if he doesn’t event want to say the vows when it’s easy, he’s not going to want to honor them. He’s not going to feel bound by a commitment that’s dubiously extracted from him. That’s not a solid basis for a marriage.
So I would invite your friend to think about what she wants and where she’s coming from. Does she want to stay with him for for however long it last as serious boyfriend-girlfriend but nothing more? Or does she want to find more? Don’t let your boyfriend stop you from meeting your husband. If she were single, she could meet someone new. If she’s sticking with him out of fear of being single, I would try to boost her self-confidence.
> If that wasn’t a huge slap in the face, idk what is.
I don’t really think it is. If they were married, in a marriage-like relationship, engaged, or even moving towards that, it would be. But they are just dating and it seems clear he isn’t interested in more. His actions are coherent with the level of their relationship: they are serious-but-not-that-serious boyfriend-girlfriend and that means he gets to do what he wants with his money. Why should he consult her before buying a house for his mom?
That’s a clear, non-mixed message. It only feels like a slap in the face for her because she’s trying to force him into the opposite direction.