How do you manage feelings around friends who have ghosted you? And ghosted, what were your reasons for ghosting long term friendships?
My husband’s close friend of 16years ghosted us a year ago – the first message she ghosted was us announcing the birth of our son. She was due a baby at the same time so for the longest time we feared the worst and waited for her to talk to us but 10 months on I see her living her best life on Instagram with her baby. Both husband and I have then messaged her separately (nothing heavy just light updates and pleasantries) but she’s not even opened the messages.
I don’t know why the rejection cuts so deep as I wasn’t the one close to her (but we did sacrifice our honeymoon to go to her wedding in India 3 years ago and now all those memories are tainted!) is it a common occurrence to cull friendships in your 30s? Or is that something that happens with parenthood? As a lonely first time mother, I’m taking this very personally and it would be nice to hear some thoughts as I’m genuinely baffled why anyone would completely ignore an ex friend unless my partner and I are unknowingly terrible people?
Have you ever ghosted friends in your 30s/40s? What were the reasons? Ghostees- how did you cope?
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I ghosted a friend of 7 years because she was besties with a couple of girls who bullied me. I tried to be the bigger person and be okay with the fact that she was friends with them too, but I honestly resented her for it. Especially because she’d report back to me all of the shit they said about me.
It just felt gross. I didn’t feel comfortable asking her to not be friends with them lol. So I saw myself out.
Mental illness. I have had conflicts with friends or lifestyle changes, but 99% of the time for me it’s avoidance and social anxiety and wanting to just forget entire chunks of my life at a time to streamline.
It’s still not an excuse, it’s not kind. I’ve learned it’s better to not sugarcoat it and just tell them what’s going on right away, but when it’s really bad sometimes you can’t admit it to yourself.
I ghosted a bunch of people when I started dating my now husband. A lot of of them were superrr materialistic or party girls and I just didn’t want to bring them into the next phase of my life.
I’m grappling with whether or not to ghost a friend right now. She’s been giving me the cold shoulder for weeks, but hasn’t blocked or removed me from anything. I was finally blunt with her and told her I didn’t wanna be friendly with her boyfriend anymore due to his constant disrespect of her & her boundaries, and it’s been radio silent since. The person she set me up with & encouraged me to give a chance to dumped me, and I didn’t hear a thing, no “I’m sorry,” no “how are you doing,” nothing.
So I guess in this scenario, the answer is that I’m ghosting a friend (or considering it at the least) when I feel an effort isn’t being made to keep the friendship up anyway.
There is someone I’ve known for a long time that is living a very different life from me, and I just don’t feel very supported from them, as they are very busy with their own things. That’s totally fine and completely understandable, but they only invite me out when they want to do a big get together with their other friends and family, and I am not interested in joining those. It’s as if their time is so limited that they want to kill a bunch of social obligations with one stone, or worse they don’t have an interest in doing things one on one with me which is my preferred way of hanging out with a friend. Either way, the feeling is sort of mutual. I mostly fantasize about a time when we were more on the same page once upon a time, but life hasn’t worked out that way for us.
Most importantly though, I just don’t feel like I want to make it a big thing. I know they are busy and would rather not have to explain how my needs in the friendship aren’t being met because of it. It’s way more nuanced and complicated than it sounds. I also don’t think they even really notice or particularly care that much, so in the end it is what it is.
I don’t think I’m ever severing our line of communication though. One day, we might have a better friendship and I’ll always be open to it when they are.
Ghosted friend 1 because she’s a serial cheater with no remorse. She would lie to her bfs that she’d be hanging out with me when she’s with another guy. Just overall desperate for male validation.
In the process ghosting friend 2. She’s negative, proud to be known as a bitch. I tried to understand that she’s a stressed single mother of 6 kids but she really is just a bitch. A person who feels bad about herself so she makes others feel bad too.
Making friends with people as an adult is very difficult. Lots of weird ass people out there.
I had a best friend, and I was extremely close with her sister as well. We all got along so well that it felt like we were telepathic sometimes, until I asked the sister a relatively benign question that she felt was extremely inappropriate. She absolutely ripped me apart over the phone. Essentially telling me that I’m annoying, problematic, etc…just all my worst social fears being validated by someone I loved. The things she was saying barely made sense. She tried to apologize, but it was more an apology for her delivery rather than the message. There was no way I could ever trust her again. I’d always be walking on eggshells, wondering what I was doing that might be silently disgusting her. I tried remaining friends with the group, but she had a lot of influence over them, so it made it too painful and awkward for me to be around them. On top of that, I went through a long period where I questioned my perception of reality, and wondered if what she said had truth to it – that I was constantly annoying everyone around me by just existing. So I ghosted them all. Sometimes I miss them, but ultimately, I think I made the right choice. I do miss my best friend though, she wasn’t like her sister (that I know of) and I hate that I couldn’t figure out how to keep her in my life.
Friends since day one of college in the 80’s. She had BPD, alcoholism, and was a sex/love addict. I was available to her 24/7 and she scared me silly sometimes – lots of dangerous sex with randos and several abusive relationships – only to minimize her behavior the next few days.
I got into a great relationship after my divorce and it sent her reeling. She sent a text when she knew I was away with my bf, telling me what a horrible friend I was, all our college friends had hated me, and she and her mother and sister discussed what a terrible mother I was to have a bf so soon after my divorce, how I was messing up my daughter for life.
That was it. Calling me a bad mother when she knew how worried I was about the divorce badly affecting my child (my ex was cheating).
I quietly showed myself the door and any time I started to miss her, I reread that nasty text. She reached out maybe 10 times over the last six years to apologize, and I never responded. Blocked her on all socials. She tried to befriend my family with alt accounts.
She needed help that was way above my pay grade. Life has been so peaceful without her. Sad, because when she was sober and together, she was the best person ever.
I had the same conversations with her over and over again about how awful her boyfriend was. She had valid complaints (he was awful) but she never wanted to take any advice about leaving. It was exhausting and I dreaded picking up the phone to find out what had happened. I spent the last year of a friendship wanting to cut ties but feeling like I owed her bc she had helped me through a hard time years before…. Then one day she called and somewhere in the conversation she started dropping MAGA conspiracy theories and I said f it- I’m done here. Haven’t spoken to her since. It’s a bummer bc we’d been friends forever but I couldn’t take anymore…
A friend from childhood who told me I was their “best friend” dropped me for a bf she had for like a year and a half. I gave her a second chance. She didn’t text me back for over 6-months and during that time I realized she only really used me. I realized she was rather self-centred, always competing with me when I was just there as a friend, and didn’t want people like that close by anymore. She did try to reach out and kept tagging me into tiktok videos over a matter of months after presumably seeing I was doing something exciting on my socials. Just another confirmation for me so then I blocked her on everything to finalize things. I always treated her way better than she treated me. It was time to put myself first.
I ghosted her after she agreed to see a married professor she had slept with and whom she claimed ruined her life again, nearly two years after they had parted. I wasn’t doing that again and that point, she knew better.
I’ve ghosted a few friends for pursuing men that they knew I was romantic with. One even pursued someone after she set me up with him
I was the caregiver for my dad with dementia for 5 years – we had a weird relationship before he got sick but i am an only child and my mom is out of the picture. I had no family support and no real help. I started to lean on my friends hard. Which like wasn’t super fair of me but what else was i going to do. basically all of my close friendships ended in ghosting. Going through trauma alone is just awful.
I ghosted someone. Well, I intentionally picked an argument about something stupid with her – knowing that it would result in her not speaking to me. It was immature but I didn’t really see any other way; she was the kind of person who could never admit to being wrong. I’m sure she would say that about me, but anyone who really knows me will agree that I own up to my mistakes. We were friends for 10 years and had a previous falling out where we didn’t speak for a year. She expected me to drop everything for her, she was very selfish. Eventually I decided that I was happier when she wasn’t around and ended things. We haven’t spoken in 5 years and I don’t miss her at all.
She was a complete pick-me. She got her first serious boyfriend in university, and of course that relationship ran its course and they broke up. You’d think her world had ended (this meant with genuine sympathy). As her close friends we rallied around her—invited her to our weekend usual sleepover, would she like to come to yoga in the mornings with us, etc. You know, take her out of herself.
This went on for the better part of a YEAR. and it escalated. “Would you like to come for movie night” turned into having a full on BUBBLE BATH in my house, pint of ice cream and all, for like two hours while other bestie and I are just awkwardly listening to her sob. She went around acting like a waif who needs a Victorian seaside treatment. “Come to yoga with us” turned into staying over the night before, since yoga was mornings. “Well you two are hanging out already” yes, but two of us WERE ROOMMATES and she wasn’t. So why tf is she now in our house multiple days a week. Drinking our wine, asking for cocktails to be brought to her, requesting cake baked, and then the final straw was one morning before yoga when she was actually helping herself to leftovers and snacks, making a lunch for herself for class that day.
So we drew back. Said we weren’t doing yoga any more. Made up excuses about movie night. But since she was part of the larger group we saw her pretty much every day that year anyway. And any conversation, no matter the topic, MONTHS AFTER, would elicit a sad sigh from her and a comment like “oh. I remember when ex and I—-“ and her staring dramatically off into the distance.
Got to the point we actually sat her down, multiple times, and told her the behaviour was a problem. That we couldn’t support her any more—if she was genuinely suffering this much she needed a therapist. But she didn’t change. So as mean as it felt, we had to cold-ghost her.
The timing was right—the friend group was naturally splintering as we all finished our degrees and moved away for first jobs etc. But I do wonder, years later, if she ever got better.
I haven’t ghosted anyone. I did tell one friend that I couldn’t be friends with her anymore because of her political views but I told her, didn’t just disappear.
I have been ghosted. It’s awful. You are left with so much uncertainty about what you did wrong and why it happened. And, if you don’t realize it’s happening and keep reaching out occasionally, you feel like such a fool when you finally realize what’s happening. I could never subject someone to that embarrassment and anxiety. Even if it’s hard, I will tell someone if I no longer want to know them.
I have put distance in relationships that were making me unhappy or bringing out my insecurities by making things very surface and superficial. But, I didn’t ghost. And, if they had wanted to discuss the shift, I would have had that conversation with them.
I’ve been ghosted and it’s one of the worst feelings ever, especially as an empathetic type A overthinker. It took me a long time to accept that I wasn’t the reason why she ghosted me, and that it was her own personal problem. After a while it hurt a little less, but it always stung to a degree.
Ghosting someone that you were once very close with is never ok IMO, unless there happened to be a major incident that explains why a person would permanently go MIA. Otherwise it’s cruel.
I didn’t exactly ghost a friend but ended up having to just stop responding after saying multiple times that I needed space. I was having a health crisis and she was really judgy about it and the fact that being immunocompromised meant I had to continue masking when everyone stopped. It was exhausting to feel like I had to keep defending myself when I was struggling to keep my job and basically living in a dark room for over a year.
In adulthood, I expect that my friends can talk to me if they are upset with me to problem solve and move forward. I cultivate an atmosphere where I welcome that and will listen and respond as best I can if it happens. So on the other side of that token: if someone cannot or will not be a mature adult enough to communicate with me about their feelings and let me fix it, that’s on them. I will let them go and it would be on them to ever reach out and reconnect if they wanted to. I haven’t ever ghosted anyone but when I let friendships drift away it’s because friends are not honest/vulnerable with me and the friendship starts to feel false because I no longer feel safe sharing about my own life with them in turn. Or because they demonstrated in words or action that they had no interest in empathizing with my life and experiences and instead were judgmental.
I mostly ghost people because I’m tired.
I’m not a social person. It takes so much out of me. And sometimes I just don’t have it in me to respond. For years. Or maybe ever. Fwiw I completely understand if someone doesn’t want to be friends with me. That’s totally fair. I still love them and care about them and hope for the best for them. But I accept that I may just never see them again. It’s sad really.
So I’m going through something similar; however I did not ghost her. I told her I needed space and I was going through a lot. And she has been respecting that. We haven’t spoken in a few weeks, but this friendship is 17yrs. Reason I asked her to give me space, was because our last phone convo, she projected on me, used some things I was insecure about and was critisizing me when I was asking for a shoulder to lean on. It left me in shock, and since then have been grieving what used to be a supportive friend. And yes, I told her what she said was hurtful; she dismissed it and said it wasn’t her intention.
I think friendships can ebb and flow. Its ok to put some friends in arms reach instead of having them close. And when they are ready, you and the friend can reconnect and maybe discuss it, laugh and learn from it. I don’t think you have to rule them out completely, but it is painful. I am going through it. Its okay to let them go for a while, and prioritize others who are there and support you, and you vis versa. I’m sure there were people in the past you were close to, then your lives changed and someone else became close to you. Ghosting is pretty cruel; but I do give grace with new mothers, as it is tough. Maybe it looks perfect online but behind closed doors, theres a different picture. I hope this helps give you some perspective, and its okay to allow yourself to feel how you do. Its understandable.
She revealed she was a Trump supporter.
I ghosted a friend for a multitude of reasons, including
I don’t feel bad about ghosting. I probably should because I’m sure she was confused and wanted closure, but there were too many serious violations and I can’t forgive her for her comments about my dog, let alone everything else. There was no way I would be able to talk her into understanding and I don’t want to be friends with someone who cares so little about the rights and well-being of others.
I have ghosted and been ghosted:
I dropped an old high school friend after 20 years because he sent a generic letter every year at Christmas when I would write an actual personal one. There was just no attempt at being an actual friend; I felt like I was getting the annual card from my real estate agent. I wrote that year to him to explain, and I said I was sorry but didn’t think either of us were getting much out of it. No hard feelings. He didn’t reply. So I guess we kind of mutually ghosted there.
A friend of mine, a fellow mother (our kids used to be friends) was keen to be my friend, but then when some rocky times came up for her – and I was trying to be there to be supportive – she sent me a message that said she didn’t have time for me in her life, sorry. And that was that. I was a little hurt at the time – but since then have worked out that clearly what I saw in the friendship was not what she saw. I hope she’s okay now.
They say you are friends for a season or a reason. Some of these friends were clearly seasons; important at the time, but not necessarily lasting beyond that.
Friend of 20 years simply stopped responding to my messages or comments seemingly out of the blue. I don’t think I changed much over the years other than I got married and started calling it a night a bit earlier than I used to.
I noticed a pattern of them ignoring me (without deleting me) so I tried asking what I did wrong and how I could fix it, but they never responded. So after like a year of being ignored I finally gave up any hope of them wanting to be my friend still.
It’s been like 3 years now and it still hurts. I don’t make friends easily and I can count my entire support system on one hand. So losing someone who was such a big part of my life was devastating. I’ll never get closure on why I don’t fit in their life anymore or what I did wrong. But thankfully I don’t think about it quite as much anymore at least. Life carries on and people grow apart I guess.
I’m trying to slow fade from someone’s life for a lot of reasons. Everytime they call it’s all about them, any effort I make to discuss my life is met with interruptions. They are a pot addict and their partner is an alcoholic. Their partner is also a terrible mismatchb to them in other ways and they complain incessantly about it but will never leave them. Every time I talk to them they are having a ‘really bad day’. And it’s just a lot of negativity.
To a lesser extent they also had a pretty privileged upbringing but they are TERRIBLE with money, and they judge the shit out of people who don’t make the best financial decisions. And it feels like they financially take advantage of me.
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By the time I hit 30, I realized I didn’t really have many good friends, and my priorities had shifted a lot.
One friend I ended up ghosting was someone I knew since our childhood. After she got married, she completely changed. She went from being independent and fun to acting like the female version of Maga—the total opposite of how she used to be. I tried to be understanding, but it was hard. It wasn’t just her political views clashing with me being a minority; it was also unsettling to watch her reshape her whole personality just to please a man. On top of that, she couldn’t go anywhere without him. I had nothing against the guy, but couldn’t she just exist without him for a moment? And the biggest shift: she went from having a very colorful, adventurous sex life to suddenly acting prudish and holier-than-thou., which would be okay if she didn’t start to lecture other women who were even less active than her. I ghosted her because I realized I was starting to resent her, which wasn’t healthy for me nor fair to her. When she got pregnant with the second child she invited me to a birthday filmed with religious Magas so the ghosting was final because she would make everything about religion and her child, which is ok but I didn’t have energy for that, seeing our story. I got a bitter taste because she used to spend summers in my house and I wonder if she was an user.
Another was a high school friend. She had been nice, but later she started making these subtle, shady comments about my body, me being single at the time, and other women’s too. That kind of childish behavior I might’ve tolerated as a teenager, but as an adult it became exhausting. Things that used to bond us, like stanning a music group (which I mainly kept up out of nostalgia) suddenly felt immature and annoying. She also kept hanging around with shallow people, including two friends who had made racist jokes in the past, which she just brushed off. That’s when I realized I had outgrown the friendship. It wasn’t my role to lecture her on basic decency, like not commenting on bodies while calling herself a feminist.
Now, looking back, I honestly wonder why I was even friends with them in the first place. But OP, the ghosting doesn’t come suddenly, it’s a mix of things that build resentment when the friendship is that long. Maybe she resents your political views? Or something like that.
I ghosted a bestie of 25 years because she said disgusting things about my daughter (12) and our friends daughters (12 & 16). First I tried to talk to her about her comments but she tried to pretend she didn’t remember the conversation. So I just left it at that and ghosted her.
I ghosted a friend of 12+ years last year because the last time we got together after 3 or so months of not seeing each other, she never bothered to ask anything about me. Within those 4 hours, she told me all about what was going on with her, her kid, her husband, partents, in-laws, mutual friends, her separate friends, coworkers, literally everyone in her life, she even asked how my ex was doing, but not one question about my life, not even a ‘and how are you?’. I only realized this after I got home. She has always been the more talkative one which I don’t mind as long as ‘catching up’ isn’t a one-sided thing, but lately it has felt that I was just used as an ear to listen to her vent, with no reciprocity. Even when she texted, it felt like the only reason for her to do so was that she could tell me about whatever was going on in her life and not because of any kind of interest in me.
Yes .I don’t really know how to describe it but she had other friends who she would complain about to me but on their birthdays or whenever they are celebrating..she would post them and write the lengthiest captions talking about how great they are and how much she loves them. But come to me whenever she needed support..the straw that broke the camels back for me was when she posted a very old unflattering picture of me on my birthday with a dry caption.
I ghosted a close friend of five or so years because she was racist.
She started saying a lot of racist things. Subtle at first, then more direct. Not at me, but about multiple racial groups. She said rape-apologist stuff too. And i would say something – i would always speak up – but it never got through to her in the slightest, andddd eventually i couldn’t handle it anymore. I removed her as a follower on my private instagram, she texted me asking why, i might’ve said “i don’t want to be friends anymore” (so maybe not technically a ghosting, but it wasn’t a proper conversation) and blocked her number.