What are some of the big red flag signs that might be easy to miss if you’re blinded by the romance or love bombing?
Some huge red flags that I am starting to pick up on in men over the age of 30 that indicate major man child syndrome:
-Blames exes for everything (no accountability)
-Speaks poorly about exes in front of children
-Temper tantrum when told ‘no’
-Gambling problem
-Bad with finances
-Can’t entertain or take care of his own kids (expects a woman to do this for him)
-Plays the ‘poor me’ victim card
What else?
Comments
Addictions or vices. My ex husband couldn’t get through any stressful situation without running to weed, alcohol or cigarettes.
Unemployment or a patchy employment history.
I want to say living at home but I also know that some men live at home to take care of their elderly parents. But living at home and not having had regular employment is a red flag for me. Too many different jobs in short time periods and always ending up back home – even in their late 30s and 40s.
How they handle disappointment
Legal challenges – maybe a DUI or two in there. But no accountability for it.
Poor hygiene
Dislikes that are excessively general, as in “I don’t like vegetables” or “I hate all classical music.”
It tells me that they were never made to try new things, they are unwilling to leave their comfort zone, and they certainly aren’t going to tolerate any discomfort so that your needs can be met occasionally.
He’s 30 but acts like he’s 20
So fucking annoying
Refusing to go to the doctor (when they have the means/insurance to do so). It’s something I could overlook in my 20’s, but in my 30’s I found it to be extremely unattractive to have to beg, cry, and nag my ex-husband into getting a basic health check up when he had a confirmed long term disease. He never did it, and it was a contributing factor to me leaving. How can you invest your life and future in someone who refuses to take care of himself? It was so childish to me. Taking the initiative to manage your own health is a basic adult responsibility. Anyone I met from that point who made jokes about how they haven’t been to the doctor in years was an immediate red flag and unsuitable for a long term relationship.
When they are pesky about sex even when you say no. Like whining.
My experience with my ex who was a man child…
40 years old still living at home, fought with his parents in front of me, had no desire to change, no goals, worked a dead end job and complained about it but did nothing about it. Video games and computer games all the time, marvel bullshit and action figures all over his room. (Literally dated a child. This is so embarrassing typing this out) manipulated me, love bombed me 3 weeks into our relationship. Drank 6-8 miller lights every day and smoked weed, couldn’t handle looking at himself in the mirror and seeing who he really is. But would sit me down and tell me all the things wrong with me. Would just talk about things he was going to do but never did them. Couldn’t handle being by himself. For example, going out to lunch or dinner alone. I asked him why doesn’t he grab lunch with a friend sometime. His response was “that’s what gay men do.” I broke up with this loser over a year ago and he gave me hell for doing it. But I made it to the other side.
Never having been majority or solely responsible for the day to day running of a household. If he thinks that the bills get paid, the house get cleaned and groceries bought by magic, or is OK with taking no responsibility for anyof those things then he’s not going to be a partner, hes going to be a dependent.
Huge collection of toys, shoes, etc but renting an apartment.
validation, when you engage is it out of wanting to actually connect or to get validation from you
It’s always a woman’s fault: mum, manager, ex are all somehow responsible for his situation.
Refuses to get a day job while aspiring to a creative field
Rude to service staff – general need to prove superiority by putting others down. Bad loser – same mechanism “If I lose I am less-than, but I’m ok with you experiencing this”
Tit for tat mentality. Ie if they are unhappy with something you do, instead of a discussion you “owe” them.
They can’t speak properly. I don’t mean speech impediments or even being non-verbal. Just horrific lazy speech.
Example:”Then we went and grabbed some shit then you know we went down there. It was some shit acrossted there bro you know what I’m saying. Real shit.”
toddler diet, more gaming than working/taking care of family duties, drug/alcohol overuse, no interest in personal growth, expecting OTHERS to take care of EVERYTHING for them especially day to day things (cooking/cleaning/self care) wow just described my ex husband AND SIL.
The dramatics when you try to have a serious adult conversation. For example:
“I’d appreciate it if you gave me a heads up if you’re going to be unavailable so I can plan my week.”
“I’m the worst person ever. I let you down so badly. You deserve better. My behaviour is monstrous.”
Then they want you to comfort them.
His mother is always doing things for him.
The old backhanded apology. “I’m sorry I did that, but I did it because of X,Y, & Z”.
If you’re justifying your actions in this way, then you’re not actually sorry.
They think the world is unjustly unfair to them and see proof of it everywhere. They are always on the lookout for being a victim, as this is a shameful sign of weakness in their eyes.
They refuse to engage in any conversation to better your relationship. Their tactics to avoid engaging include stonewalling, defensiveness, passive aggressiveness, and the silent treatment.
Being weird about periods and bodyhair.
Can’t cook.
Expects to be asked to participate in housework or a relationship or parenting instead of getting on with it. Uses the words “help out” instead of seeing these things as a joint responsibility.
Calls parenting babysitting. And then complains about how hard it is.
Behaves like the fun uncle with his own children and tells the children their mum is the problem when she says no to anything.
Still drops his washing at his mum’s and/or relies on her for things he should he doing.
Don’t know anyone’s birthdays, including his own children’s.
Claims to be rubbish with dates and details but knows who played in the FA cup in 1983 and all matches since, as well as all the details of his chosen team including wins, losses, kit colours, coach, players, etc.
Refuses to make decisions regarding dates or life but will often reject his partner’s ideas just to be obtuse.
Pouts and sulks when he doesn’t get his own way. Gives the silent treatment after conflict.
Eats other people’s food/snacks after being told not to and/or not asking before helping himself, then claiming to be the victim as he didn’t know not to have it.
DARVO behaviour.
“Doesn’t know what he wants” from dating over the age of 40.
Unhealthy addiction of some variety – whether it’s alcohol, drugs, gambling, gaming, or even an unhealthy relationship with the gym. Other people will comment on it – it won’t be some secret or one-time thing you have to dig up – but they may function around it pretty well.
I’ve dated guys who could hide a LOT of their man-child tendencies. On their own they would present as relatively clean and neat, would seem to be doing okay “adulting” but there was that little addiction there. They probably function well around said addiction – but it’s there and pretty obvious.
It is WAY more than just the addiction, you just aren’t seeing it yet because they are pulling themselves together during the dating phases and when they are wanting to get what they want.
Doesn’t pick up after himself. Says he “doesn’t see or notice” uncleanliness. He always had a woman do that for him.
Adamant about standing peeing being the only manly way. Never cleans the bathroom. Gets angry over being told to close the lid. Will pick a fight saying women should leave the seat up for men. Doesn’t understand piss and shit fly around when flushing with the lid up. His bathroom smells like piss and shit. He “doesn’t notice”.
He also “doesn’t notice” when someone else has cleaned, but magically will use every clean surface area immediately.
Viewing your response to them hurting/betraying you as “punishment”
This was a red flag that my sister missed but that she sometimes brings up when she mentions her ex-husband.
He had never given Christmas presents to his family before she married him. Not his siblings. Not his parents. This wouldn’t have been a big deal if he was estranged from them, but it was a very close-knit, non-dysfunctional family. He just hadn’t been brought up to think of others besides himself at Christmas. So my sister had to do all the shopping for her family and his. (Of course she didn’t have to. But she knew she would be judged harshly if she didn’t step up in this way.)
Refusing to let shit go. I have this ex friend who would get offended at everything, including when discussion was in no way related to him. After he got offended by any one person enough times, he would target that person for endless passive aggressive insults and/or direct attacks, and would call at all hours of the wee night and morning leaving super unhinged drunk messages.
Huge victim mentality. Huge narcissist.
I think narcissistic tendencies overall may be the most succinct red flag for man children.
doesn’t want responsibilities
Blames his parents for everything. Can’t stick up for himself.
Defensiveness. Not able to hold a conversation. Poor hygiene. Unable to manage their own emotions. Unable to take responsibility for their mistakes. Unwilling to change or come together to compromise. Blaming others. Looking down on feminine things like sparkles or perfume. Inability to apologize. Putting others down. Treating people who are “below” them as less than. Dont have basic life skills. Can’t manage their own life.
Porn use is also a big one for me. If he’s using porn he’s probably not good at intimate relationships and views women for his entertainment not as people. And yes I know that’s a huge amount of men but I stand by it. Also porn users are terrible in the sack and often focused only on their pleasure and have no idea how to listen or please an actual real life woman. Many of them also have unrealistic body standards for women and are very judgemental of both sex acts and the female form.
Doesn’t know how or won’t do housework or cooking. Basically no idea how to care for self.
Wraps up his entire identity, masculinity, and sense of self-worth, and makes it all contingent upon whether or not his partner is in the mood to sleep with him. Ignores all the myriad factors that contribute to women’s libido (either nothing to do with him – health, hormones, stress – or to do with him but not in a way he’s willing to acknowledge – hygiene, behavior, inequality) and reduces it all down to his fundamental worthiness of love and desire.
“I can’t cook”
No initiative, even down to friendships. Their friends plan for them, and they just show up.
Claiming to struggle with things they see as feminine tasks. Guy I dated briefly last year told me on our first date he struggled to dress himself and figure out what to wear “because blokes don’t think about things like that”. This was after he complained about being cold and I asked why he didn’t wear a coat when it was almost freezing temperatures in January. Few dates later he told me his mum unpacked and organised when he moved into his place and came over once a month to clean his place because “it’s not something blokes are good at”. By this point he’d also complained about all his exes. Noped out this situation so fast!
Just focusing on visual warnings of a potential manchild. Items that should be special are reduced to visual clutter. 50–75% of their hobby collection is displayed properly and protected from damage, but the remainder of their collection is left exposed on TV stands, entertainment centers, and side tables, where they gather dust, cooking grease, and eventually get lost among household clutter. So, they have the means, knowledge, and foresight to be fully responsible, but choose not to, either putting money and effort elsewhere, or even into collecting more items.
Another visual red flag: they have the means to own a pet or pursue a messy indoor hobby, like model building or 3D printing, and have carpeted floors or upholstered couches, yet don’t own a carpet cleaner (not even a small portable Bissell Little Green machine for upholstery stains). They obviously know they will need to clean afterward, but don’t even prioritize finding out how to do it properly. Chances are, they’ve never washed their carpet, let alone their couch upholstery. If some water gets on the upholstery, a visible stain will appear because it brings years of sweat and grime to the surface.
Also, at this point, I’d bet their pillow is old and has never been washed. They might still be using the same pillows they had as teenagers, the ones their mother originally purchased.
Hobosexual
Some other personal red flags:
– Earliest sign is usually a show of entitlement, whether it is for sex or you to help them with errands, or for you to cook or do other tasks for them. Personally, this is why I look for men who can actually plan and successfully execute an actual first date. Like do they try to get your input, so they can collaborate and suggest something you would like to do? Do they think about how busy it might be, and get a reservation if necessary? Do they consider your safety and comfort? Or do they act passive and try to wait until you organize everything?
– Generally doesn’t accept accountability for his life. Says things like he “has terrible luck” and has long explanations about why nothing is his fault. Pay attention how he talks about any conflict with another person, not just exes. Emotionally mature people can acknowledge their role in how things went wrong.
– Eating habits. There is some nuance to this, especially if they have allergies or something else. But man-children often are picky eaters. Many of them do not know how to cook, which I view as a red flag.
– The first time you are invited to their home, pay attention to their hosting skills and their set-up. Is their home messy? Does their bathroom and kitchen appear to be regularly cleaned? Does it look like they haven’t cleaned the floor in over a year? Do they have clean dishes? Do they have a bed frame or is their mattress on the floor? Do they do even the minimal hosting, like offer you a drink (not just water from the faucet) and food that is appropriate for your visit? Man children will often just direct you to order take-out, rather than having basic stuff to offer guests. Also, do they have clean towels and sheets on the bed?
– Bad hygiene. Not just those who avoid showering, but bad won’t floss, skip brushing their teeth, clothes are dirty, underwear has skid marks.
– If you host them, they act like you need to wait on them. Won’t clean up after themselves, won’t offer to help with dishes after you cooked, and so on.
– Do they seem to call their parents all the time for advice, even for basic stuff? Observe their relationship with their parents, especially if their mom is constantly doing things for them. Many of them are still dependent.
– Heavy video gaming. Some hide it at first, but notice if they spend hours and hours gaming and have difficulty maintaining their responsibilities. I believe this can be similar to gambling addiction.
– Heavy porn use. Personally, I prefer partners who do not use porn at all while we are together, as I find it diminishes our connection and their performance. While some use might be acceptable to you, watch out for the men who appear porn obsessed. Some of this might only show up when you have sex, and they cannot perform well and ask you to basically start recreating their porn. Some of them will follow a bunch of “soft core” models on IG or drop other hints.
– Seems to lack hobbies or other soul-enriching activities. They might be hiding heavy gaming or porn use, when they initially seem to have no hobbies. They are doing something with their time, especially if they do not have jobs.
– Cannot seem to hold a job for a reasonable period of time. Often talks big about what he wants to do, but has no execution. I also learned to be weary of men who seem to admire “influencer” type jobs, even if they acknowledge it is unrealistic.
– Heavy drinking or drug use. Some of them will show you their drinking habits right away. But I have seen that some will avoid drinking altogether in front of you at first, because they know they have a hard time stopping and want to suck you in at first. So watch out for either extremes, and any dishonesty. For example, one man-child ex downplayed his smoking.
– Impulsive behavior. This can show up as them being “spontaneous” like maybe they cannot properly plan dates and they flake out on plans. It can also show up in their spending habits and how they make major life decisions. Sometimes, they cannot explain how they came to big decisions and will over-emphasize their “gut.” This also shows up as thrill-seeking.
– Seem to require an inordinate amount of effort or time for basic tasks. I had a man-child once tell me he needed an entire weekend to work on his resume to apply for a job. Now maybe he was lying and was doing something else, but he did have other man-child tendencies. I am in the 40ish range, so I felt it was too much, especially considering he had a helper.
– Unstable and short-lived relationships. Learn about his relationship history when you first start dating. Some of them have great difficulty maintaining a relationship for longer than 6 months-a year.
– Any weaponized incompetence. If he doesn’t know how to do something, and you offer him directions, does he actually show effort and improvement? Or does he keep acting helpless?
– Weaponizing mental illnesses, especially if they are not actively seeking diagnosis AND treatment.
You look for evidence of maturity and if you don’t find any – its likely this is not a mature person.
And a note: just because someone is mature does not mean they are a good person or a good candidate to date. Mature people can still lack morally and ethically.
Thinking the bar fights he gets into (could stop right there) are funny or admirable
Can’t handle any feedback that isn’t 100% positive.
Examples:
“I don’t like it when you don’t return my call the same day” — they freak out and play victim without acknowledging your feelings.
“Please don’t do X thing in bed” — they freak out and say you’re not meeting THEIR needs or being mean/critical.
“I don’t like zucchini” — they get mad at you because zucchini is their favorite.
Men (or anyone) who can’t deal with negative feedback without lashing out are HUGE red flags. You will never know a moment of peace unless you’re doing what they want 100% of the time.
Saying “I APOLOGIZED” when you’re still a bit miffed by their behavior because it hasn’t changed. 🫠
/gestures broadly everywhere
Oversimplifies tasks… I am attempting to co parent with a 7mo old baby… he says ya just drop off our son for 6 hours…
No discussion or regard of the childs actual needs….
Alcohol dependency. Daily drinking.
Immaturity and closed-mindedness
Likes anime, but somehow only ones from either category: 1) average Dudeman becomes super OP and pwns everyone with his raw intellect and basic-ass strategies or 2) thinly veiled fan service that deliver a panty shot/chest focus/thigh gap POV every eight and a half minutes to keep watchers titillated long enough to get through a barely there plot
Divorced with kid/s, but has less than 50/50 custody. For partners of any gender, really.
Easy. Tell them no.
No plan for his life. When you ask him what he sees in the future he can’t say anything.
Doesn’t have a savings account, a retirement plan or a solid job.
Doesn’t want to own any property as he gets older and doesn’t plan for the future. Those are massive red flags and just avoid men like this. It’s not worth the drama!
– Has a really messy room / apartment, and then blames it on some extenuating circumstance.
– Talks about himself like he’s some sort of misunderstood genius that nobody gets (but maybe YOU “get” him and he makes you feel special in that way).
– Has a general attitude that he’s owed something just for trying or having good intentions, even when he falls short.
– Gets a kick out of being contrarian and inflammatory. Loves to feel like he’s “right.” Maybe he likes to instigate arguments about culture or politics.
– He may actually have moments of maturity, which makes you feel like he’s “not that bad” or has potential to grow. But unfortunately this just makes you stay in the relationship longer than you should.
Shutting down during any conflict.
Not being able to talk about some basic miscommunication issues or minor conflict, including being worried about being objectified or used.
Consent and/or boundary issues.
A clear lack of understanding how and why women are cautious about men’s intentions (which feels fake to me, like you should know by now why women are skeptical of men).
Things that SOUND like empathy and compassion but are vague and cookie cutter enough it doesn’t require much processing or care, and is just really him saying the right things to make you feel safe.
Needless to say, ghosting or the silent treatment.
Only or mostly talking about himself.
Consistently joking about things that don’t require jokes or LOLs after every line, or joking about things that involve your feelings or something that make you vulnerable. Or just non-stop joking around…I say this as a woman who cracks jokes nonstop, too.
Excessive emphasis on his working out or looks or other worldly thing that doesn’t speak to his emotional and social intelligence.
Listening to lots of Drake and Ye, or any other artist known for player or narcissistic anthems.
(Am I talking about particular experiences I’ve had, oh yes I am lol.)
This goes for any immature partner of any gender:
When instead of talking about relationship problems with you they run to his mama
Messy/dirty place
Always late
Won’t hold down a job for long. Drops in and out of college. Mama’s boy.
Or the opposite, he under tips and then doesn’t understand why he gets less enthusiastic service
Refuses to make a decision or participate in the decision-making process. Part of being an adult is choosing what you do and when you do it.
This might bring out the haters, but I have met far far more man children than any other kind of man, that I took a “guilty until proven innocent” approach. The onus should be on men to prove their quality.
All those sound like my Ex husband 😂 he is an EX for all those reasons lol
Lying.
If he gets physical in any way when angry. I don’t mean the few times in one’s life when rage takes over- when you find out your spouse is cheating on you, you total your car, your dog pisses on your brand new Xbox, etc. I mean, gets in an argument with his dad and punches a hole in his closet door or gets rejected from a job and throws his phone across the room. Real adults can have emotions without becoming aggressive.
Can’t work for a female supervisor.
-Constantly seeking attention and validation online
-Blaming and being hateful to other men, who get attention from women
-Still obsessing over exes and talking about them on social media
-The “I get so jealous when I see men who are more masculine than me” mentality.
Also, blaming women for not being attracted, wanting to date or even speak to them.
Dirty home.
Expecting his mum/partner to do all the cooking and cleaning. I will not judge anybody who still lives with their parents (I stay with my mum), but at least help out around the house ???
I get that he is the breadwinner (just him and his mum in an apartment), but his mum is almost 65 and a grown ass man of 41 should be able to help with laundry and simple cleaning? He often claimed that he would break the dishes if he did them/didn’t know how to use the washing machine etc.
If I really had married him, I would have been a maid.