How did you build up confidence? I’m currently starting to focus on myself (37F). How do you build it up, especially if you’ve never had it?
**Edit: One thing I can never being myself around to do is ‘fake it till you make it’. It seems like I’m 1000% lying to myself.
Comments
People manage it by being men.
I think my self confidence really expanded when I joined a gym and could see very small incremental progress week to week. Focusing on those little wins helped me build confidence elsewhere and then suddenly you look band and see how far you came. I think this could be applied to many things like a new hobby or even just as basic as walking further and further distances in one go.
With me, by building it in different areas. I had overall a low opinion of myself from adolescence to young adulthood, but basically as soon as I started becoming independent I started building up different aspects of my personality or life that brought me confidence.
I don’t know if I really believe in fake it till you make it (though it IS a strategy) because if I feel like I’m lying to myself, the confidence or self-esteem doesn’t stick. So I needed tangible change to feel confident.
I found a career that I was really good at that brought me a sense of confidence and a moderate amount of success. I don’t make a ton of money but it’s kept me financially independent and it’s good work, so I throw a lot of energy at being good at it, advancing up, and developing my skills. Not for any company, but for myself. I want to be good, but never overwork myself.
I got into physical fitness to save myself from an eating disorder, so throughout my 20s I sought out to continue to take care of my body and become stronger. That gave me confidence and a sense of connection to my physique, and while there have been times I’ve gained weight or had to pause from whatever sport I’m doing (weight lifting, rock climbing, pole dancing), I still go back to it. As a bonus, I like how my body looks and feels, so I have confidence.
I learned to develop a sense of fashion and beauty I enjoyed. I dress in alternative fashion and dark makeup trends I like, so that brings me confidence too. I want to look interesting, so when I put effort into that kind of look, I feel confident.
And lastly, I work really hard to develop good friendships, so I have a lot of confidence and high self esteem just from having good friends. I value being a good friend so I feel rewarded in those efforts by being around people who enjoy my company.
I do have low self-esteem in some areas, but I’m still working on them. So it’s all just part of the process.
i say the Bring it On opening cheer to myself in the mirror
For me it started with keeping promises to myself. I told myself one day that I was going to start going on a walk everyday. Nothing major- just a walk. But for previously fully sedentary me, that was quite a promise to keep. I did, though, and after several weeks I built on it (walking before work, walking a little longer). It made me feel so good about myself to see myself getting stronger and able to do more AND continue showing up for myself.
That boost of confidence spilled over into every other area of my life. If I have the discipline to walk 5-10 miles a day, I also have the discipline to read before bed instead of going on my phone which always left me feeling doom-y and like I was wasting away. It led to me trying new things that I would have never dreamed of doing years ago. A friend asked me to go kayaking and I felt so confident in myself, I agreed. It all started with something so small- a 15 minute walk around the block.
For me,it all started when I didn’t care about what people (not on my priority list) talked about/thought of/gave their opinion without me asking/…Being a human pleaser almost my childhood and young adult age,it’s sure hard enough for me. But then it’s great.
You know the expression “self esteem comes from doing esteemable acts”? If you really want to feel good about yourself, consider doing more acts of service. It’ll get you out of your head and make you feel better about yourself.
Focus on your strongest points, not the weakest and give yourself credit.
This is not to say that you shouldn’t work on the areas where you feel deficient, but exclusively focusing on them often negatively influences our self-esteem.
The idea of ”fake it til you make it” definitely seems like something for imposters, but the reality is a lot of people don’t really know what they’re doing, but learn as they go and adapt and grow. It’s totally normal for you to feel like you’re lying to yourself, there was a Stanford study concluding that women were more likely to feel the affects of imposter syndrome (along with marginalized and minority groups).
I joke with my friends how sometimes I wish I had the arrogance and self righteousness of white men (I understand not all white men are like this, I’m married to one) but I’m glad I don’t because it allows me to have more empathy and understanding. There’s no entitlement (for good or bad) with anything in my life and that makes my accomplishments that much more worth and adds to my confidence because I know my hard work got me there.
Stop comparison. There’s no faster killjoy. And nothing more unrealistic and shallow than comparing yourself to a highlight reel. Focusing on yourself and want you want, where you want to go, and who you want to be takes up enough time and energy.
Friends. Seriously, get urself some good ones. I’m talking people with actual interesting lives who u genuinely respect because if these amazing humans choose to hang out with u for 20+ years, u are clearly not the disaster ur brain says u are. They have options, yet they keep showing up.
I completely gave up trying to be this self-sufficient confidence machine. It’s exhausting and impossible. So when i am spiraling i text someone who’ll be like “remember when u did that thing that was actually pretty badass?” Because apparently i have selective amnesia when it comes to anything good i’ve ever done.
Look, we’re all just making it up as we go along. Some of us just have better hype people.
Fake it till you make it is the essence of dbt therapy. It works well.
My self esteem comes from the content of my character and not from arbitrary successes. I know my intentions and I follow through with action.
I value kindness, creativity, compassion, discipline, honesty, and intelligence. If I’m actively practicing those qualities I feel happy with myself.
I’ve been on a self-esteem journey too. Here’s what is working for me:
-mirror work. Look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself “I love you”. If you can’t yet, say “I like you” until you can.
-self talk in general. When you catch yourself disparaging yourself, remind yourself “I don’t talk to myself like that anymore.” Don’t tell yourself anything you wouldn’t tell your friend or your child.
-Do things that you enjoy, and that you’re good at. Actually tell yourself “X is a good job. I’m proud of myself for doing it”
-Act as if. It’s not exactly fake it until you make it. Act in a way that people who love themselves would act. This includes things like eating well, being active, taking time to rest, taking time for fun. It also includes not doing things that make you feel bad about yourself, and not being around people who make you feel bad about yourself.
Some of this sounds hokey or embarrassing, but it isn’t. It’s working for me and I’m so grateful. I have made some huge steps this year that would have been unthinkable 5 years ago, and I’m so grateful for these changes.
Well it’s really hard. But one thing they don’t tell you is that “fake it til you make it” is literally just doing things. Do things without confidence. It’s not required to accomplish things.
“Fake it ’til you make it” is a lot like wearing a costume, sort of the internal version of, “Dress for the job/life you want, not the one you have.” What it really does is change your mindset by changing what you project into the world, which eventually becomes less and less lies and more and more real. It usually does feel like lying to start, but it’s really about putting the best version of you out there even when you struggle to see that version. We all have a best and worst version of ourselves, you know? A whole range.
For me, though, the most important thing is always to quiet my negative self-talk. I tend to insult myself way too much, a little comedic self-deprecation is healthy, calling yourself nasty names is not. I have to actively work on that, when I have one of these thoughts I have to stop and counter it by remembering something I am good at, no matter how small.
Everyone is good at something. On my worst days, I remind myself that I fluff pillows at least as well as the best. Every night, my pillow feels awesome and that makes me sleep better, which makes this dumb thing important. And so it’s good I’m good at it.
On my good days I remember I have a ton going for me.
But that came from practice,.practice, practice.
Dig on your personality, your soul and heart quality and you will discover that you are a much better person than you think. Also, find only 1 thing that you are REALLY good at and let that make you feel very special and superior to others. Haha
Achieving goals, basically.
I’m a pretty confident person, and it’s because I consistently achieve my goals.
I had a full mental health breakdown, acknowledged that I had a problem with alcohol and ended up in a treatment center…
Jokes aside this is a really good question and I’m interested in the answers. I have been low in confidence and self esteem since I was a child. I have spent a year stepping back from my expectations of what I was chasing in life, gave up dating, drinking and have been learning to say no to situations I didn’t feel comfortable in. I have also watched my twin nieces grow up and see how confidence is built from youth. I guess I have been trying to recreate that for my myself now again, going to social events sober, getting on top of my weight and fitness, really trying to be the best I can be at my job.
I absolutely do NOT recommend the route I took but I am recently feeling quietly more confident in myself.
A simple hack that seems to work well and is easy to focus on is posture. When you walk around with an erect yet relaxed posture it makes you feel good, and that starts to translate into confidence.
i dedicated myself with working with a therapist and DID THE WORK, not just use them to vent out all my problems. for me, this largely was centered around being better at not caring what other people thought of me and trusting my intuition and instincts more, no matter how that manifests. in the process, i started killing it at work, people in my social circles that thrived on making me feel terrible about myself realized i was growing less and less fazed and dropped me from their social calendars which only helped, and i started being healthier (not just going to the gym, but eating a lot better). through these incremental changes, i made so many really good friends who are so supportive, it helped me lay healthy boundaries with my family that only helped my self-esteem, and now i have a thriving career, wonderful friends, and my relationship with my family (a large source of all my issues) has never been better.
and an incredibly loving husband who has given me nothing but grace as i worked on things, and i do the same for him.
it really takes a litany of small incremental changes. i identified the one thing that destroyed me most and just kept cracking at it until it gave way.
I take art classes, dance classes, and work out. I also prioritize eating healthy foods. I don’t have an IG influencer body but I feel good about the choices I make for myself.
For me, it’s the result of the following:
Noticing that everyone is kind of fumbling around, making up shit as they go along, and hoping no one finds out. If they can laugh at themselves, so can I. If they can be loud and wrong in the staff meeting, so can I. If they can be ambitious and have big dreams, so can I.
Pushing myself to do scary, uncomfortable, seemingly impossible things. When you are able to do something that you didn’t think you’d be able to do, you realize there are other things you can do that you never thought you’d be able to do. You learn to not trust your anxiety-prone imagination so much.
Failing at some of these scary, uncomfortable, seemingly impossible things I’ve set out to do. Failure sucks, but it can help you develop a healthy sense of perspective. When you learn that the sky won’t fall if you bomb a job interview or if you have a brain fart while giving a presentation at work or someone finds a glaring error in one of your technical reports, it becomes easier to not sweat the small stuff.
I don’t think I ever went through a “fake it” stage. But I did stop denigrating myself in front of others when I realized how pathetic it made me seem. It’s one thing to make people wonder if you suffer from low self-esteem. It’s quite another to remove all doubt. So while I will occasionally preface a suggestion or question with, “This is probably going to sound dumb”, I don’t going around talking about how I’m as not smart as everyone else is. Maybe I’m not as smart, but I don’t know this. And it is irrelevant anyway. I don’t have to be the smartest person to contribute in a meaningful way.
Read the Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden. It was eye opening for me! Some outdated language but overall really good. The basics:
The Practice of Living Consciously: Being aware of and engaged with reality.
The Practice of Self-Acceptance: Accepting one’s thoughts, feelings, and actions without judgment.
The Practice of Self-Responsibility: Taking ownership of one’s choices and actions.
The Practice of Self-Assertiveness: Standing up for one’s needs and values.
The Practice of Living Purposefully: Setting and working toward meaningful goals.
The Practice of Personal Integrity: Living in alignment with one’s values and beliefs.
I think in my experience, there are choices that lower your self esteem. That is, living outside of what you know is best for yourself. Such as, a relationship, a job, a habit, a way of living—the more you put yourself in situations that are below you, the worse you feel. That usually happens out of fear. You’re afraid you’ll never find anyone else, you’re afraid of leaving that job, or quitting that habit—because who is that person? You get comfortable with the familiar hell over the unfamiliar possibilities. You have to choose something better for yourself. Which is hard to do if you don’t feel worthy of something better.
I think you cultivate worthiness by accepting yourself as you are, and recognizing that you are a person who deserves what all people do—happiness. Contentment. Health. Stability. Love.
For me, the biggest wake up call was when I took a job that was so below my ability and skill level. It made me angry at myself for accepting that as something that was right for me. I started applying for jobs that I thought I was underqualified for. Turns out, I wasn’t unqualified—I got one. That changed my whole life.
So I would say, you have to believe that you’re at least worth taking a risk on. Whether it’s talking to a guy you think is out of your league, or applying to a job you think is beyond your pay grade, or buying the outfit you think your can’t pull off, or taking a trip to a city you’ve always wondered about, or pursuing an interest you’ve told yourself is silly. Making those little choices in the direction that is beyond your current opinion of yourself will help you to change your opinion of yourself. It will also teach you that rejection is not so bad, and you’ll gain pride in yourself for trying, even if it doesn’t work out great. You have to believe in your ability to try—that’s it. The more you try, the more you learn about yourself. The more you trust yourself. The more confident you become.
It’s not “faking it” til you make it, but it’s taking tiny steps towards things you’re a little afraid of. It’s choosing to be curious over fearful.
I built a relationship with God