Hi I’m 29 F and my partner (now husband) is 30 M. We’ve been dating for over 4 years and been married of 6 months. He was struggling to find a job for the first 3 years of our relationship and that cause a lot of strain on the money situation. I live away from my home country and he lives in the home country. Out of love, I took serveral trips back to go see him, because he couldn’t come to me. Once I also funded his entire trip to come visit me for 3 months because he was not doing well mentally dude to being unemployed. Now he has a steady job but earns less than me. We did a civil marriage but now throwing a big wedding (mostly for our parents) in January.
He’s been complaining about his money situation all the time, and I understand. So I do pitch in for trips, and when I’m with him. I also offered to pay for his visa situation to the country I live in to help us be together. But I feel like ‘us’ being together is not a priority.
All this complain and now he’s considering going on a boys’ trip “because he really feels like it”. And I’m not sure how to feel about it? If he’d had the money, why doesn’t he pitch in our future? With me, I’ve started to feel like he feels entitled to my money and complains because he knows I’ll pay up (I could be wrong). But I’m starting to feel a little resentful. I’ve paid for the major chunk of our relationship but turns out when it comes to himself, he finds the money.
I told him that he’s been concerned about the money, and it’s not practical? But at the same time I feel like he should get to do what he wants. But if I encourage this now and offer to pay for this (even upfront where he can pay me back), I don’t want to start a precedent where he thinks I’ll pay for his stuff.
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> . And I’m not sure how to feel about it? If he’d had the money, why doesn’t he pitch in our future? With me, I’ve started to feel like he feels entitled to my money and complains because he knows I’ll pay up (I could be wrong). But I’m starting to feel a little resentful. I’ve paid for the major chunk of our relationship but turns out when it comes to himself, he finds the money.
Put the wedding on hold, be upfront with him about why you are resentful.
> I feel like he should get to do what he wants
If he can afford this trip, he should be able to afford a visa, a flight to see you, and X% of the wedding.
> . But if I encourage this now and offer to pay for this (even upfront where he can pay me back), I don’t want to start a precedent where he thinks I’ll pay for his stuff.
You’ve enabled him for 4 years….
>I don’t want to start a precedent where he thinks I’ll pay for his stuff
Way too late. He married you because you paid for all his stuff.
You know you’ve enabled his behaviour. He’s getting away with too much and doesn’t want to grow up.
I’m concerned he may have no money to his name and collected debt to do fun stuff.
Don’t marry this man until you feel 100% comfortable about your life together. Right now he’s using you and your money.
He knows he can get away with it so he will continually use your kindness.
It’s pretty clear where his priorities are, and I am sorry but it’s not with you. You’re a convenience, a bang with money, and a visa path. He doesn’t care about you. And you think it’s bad now, you would hate to see what your life would be with this gold digger.
PS given his behaviour, is this really a boys’ trip? Not that it would matter at this point cause he has shown what he is. Let the loser go.
I read somewhere that if a man really wants to be with you, it won’t matter whether he’s meeting the Pope or the POTUS, he’ll find a way to do it.
PPS please do not get pregnant and make sure that your birth control is tamper proof. He sounds like the sort to baby trap you.
You are the mommy.
Don’t give him your money. If he wants to go away, he’ll figure it out. Also, if you own credit cards or/and have a shared bank account, lock down your card and move your money into another bank account. He’s using you.
You shouldn’t pay for his trips that’s ridiculous when he is struggling and you have been funding him for your entire relationship.
You’ve helped him have opportunities he would never have had without you. What does he do? He complains bitterly, doesn’t try to tip the scales and help provide for even contribute equally. Who is doing the majority of household chores? I bet it’s you.
He isn’t a partner, he is a user like a bucket with a hole in it nothing you do will ever be enough for him.
I recommend anulling the certificate if you still can and moving on. You are going places, this man is a weight around your neck.
This is what most men in the world go through, and we don’t leave we pay almost all, if not all, of the bills. Many women, when they work, keep their money for themselves and don’t contribute, expecting the man to cover everything. You’re one of the few who actually pays more. Now, imagine all the women in the world complaining about this, while almost all men never complain about it at all we just pay, and that’s it. But we do it because we truly love and care about our family. This is a clear example that many women are not willing to do the same. It’s not a complaint, just a clear example of what millions of men in the world experience, without receiving any thanks.
Now, in your case, I think you should sit down with your husband and clear things up, try to understand his perspective, and speak openly. Another problem is that women often assume we should know, but that’s not true we don’t understand hints. Things have to be clear. It’s as simple as saying: “I don’t like this, I want us to do that.” Or: “I don’t want you to go on a trip with your friends because of this reason, but afterwards you can.” You should also set a savings goal, for example, a specific amount, and then plan for something else later. Also, ask him how much he plans to spend on his trip it might be reasonable, and maybe you’re just upset. Because just like you might think he’s taking advantage since you provide more, he might think you’re trying to control him, and that because you earn a bit more, you don’t want him to do anything or have his own free time.
It’s really just a matter of perspective yours versus his. But without good communication, you won’t be able to solve things in a healthy way. Many times our partners build up resentment against us simply because they think their perspective is the only correct one but it turns out it’s not. That’s why communication is extremely important.
If you’re not happy with your husband’s job, then help him find another one where he can earn more than he currently does. Don’t get stuck on the idea that you make more than him. A relationship is not a battlefield where we make comparisons and throw in each other’s faces who contributes more or who does less. A marriage is a team that must support one another and row together toward the goal. If you don’t have that, then work together to build it. And if you believe it won’t be possible, then why keep wasting time with each other?
I wish you the best, and I hope you can resolve your situation in the best possible way.
You’ve already started it, you give him money every time he complains. Sounds like you’re an ATM for this guy.