We have been together 6 years – we have moved 3 times due to his work. We have just found out about the next move which is extremely remote and a huge change. I am really happy in my current job and am conflicted to start again once moved. I also have so many friends I would be leaving behind – his are moving to the same place.
I do love him but have been second guessing myself the last few months. I don’t always feel seen or heard – it feels like a competition when I have a work problem, he has to one up it. I can never be upset cause he will get more upset and I always am the one to apologise.
I don’t feel appreciated – he constantly points out the things I don’t do (cleaning or walking the dogs). He travels A LOT for work, leaving me home alone for weeks, sometimes months. I do everything and keep the house to his standards. I do also like to relax and sometimes prioritise sitting down after work and I feel guilty for this as he complains things aren’t done when he wants.
On the upside. He does do a lot for me, buys flowers for no reason, cooks dinner often, cleans the house, leaves me love notes, loves me and our dogs. But is it enough? Or am I being silly and focusing on the small amount of bad compared to the good?
I struggle expressing my feelings to him. I am about to start seeing a therapist to help me with this which he thinks is a “red flag” because I can talk to a therapist and not him.
I don’t know if I want to move and the pressure to decide is absolutely huge.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
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I would explain to him he will be getting all of the same information just in a better order right now your thoughts are jumbled and not in a format that will lead to a productive discussion. You need help putting those words in a better discussion with someone who has no steak in this move in this relationship
Yikes. Girl, run. He doesn’t get to dictate and control your emotional wellbeing.
Also a 30 year old who goes after a 19 year old? Double run. Fast.
He doesn’t want you to see a therapist because they may open your eyes to the inequity here. An inequity he fully intended when he decided as a 30YO to pursue a TEENAGER.
19 and 30? Yikes.
Wants you to move to a location with no support network? Yikes.
Criticises you for not doing things to his standard when he’s not there to carry his load of the housework? Yikes.
Sees therapy as a red flag? Yikes.
I think he chose to be with a child in the beginning because he wanted to be a daddy, maybe you accepted that role in the beginning but now that you’re a big girl it doesn’t fit your life anymore.
Of course he does. He doesn’t what you to be aware of the reality of your situation or have someone support you. There is always a reason men date much younger women. This man is controlling and manipulating you.
You said:
On the upside. He does do a lot for me, buys flowers for no reason, cooks dinner often, cleans the house, leaves me love notes, loves me and our dogs. But is it enough? Or am I being silly and focusing on the small amount of bad compared to the good?
I think you are doing the opposite here. You are focusing on the small amount of good compared to the large amount of bad and there really is a large amount of bad.
You mentioned that you are happy where you are and don’t want to leave your friends. Whereas, you’ve moved multiple times for him, and this time, he doesn’t have to leave his friends behind (you did not indicate if he did in the past).
I think you should talk to the therapist to sort out your feelings.
Personally, IMHO, you should break it off with him and find someone closer to your age who is more compatible with you.
your predator, I mean partner is a walking red flag 🚩
You called him a partner, but you sound more like his employee— made me think of “if you have time to lean, you have time to clean!” something my old manager at a restaurant would say. You said he helps at home, but does he get guilted into working more and not being able to relax, like you described how he treats you?
He thinks it a red flag to talk to a therapist because he KNOWS they will tell you this is an imbalanced relationship where the major focus is meeting his needs and wants…. It’s a huge red flag with him that you can’t express yourself without him being upset or making it about him. He very likely went for you because he could emotionally dominate you this way (19 and 30? Yikes!). Hope therapy helps you figure things out, sounds like you have a good life going where you are and could consider staying when he leaves. Good luck!
Anyone who would characterize you seeking help for yourself as a red flag is not able to love you the way you deserve.
The SUNK COST FALLACY in relationships refers to the tendency to stay in a relationship, not because it’s fulfilling or healthy, but because of the time, effort, and emotional investment already put into it. Essentially, individuals feel they’ve “come too far” to leave, even if the relationship is no longer enjoyable or beneficial.
You mean the man who decided at 30 to date a 19 year old wants to hold all the power in the relationship? Shocking.
Your post is full of red flags. Him not wanting you to see a therapist is the least of them all. You are in a controlling relationship. He purposefully went after you because you were young and inexperienced. You live how he wants to live. You can’t fully relax. He wants to move you away from your job, your friends- to isolate you. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s already isolated you, this is just the final step.
You don’t need his permission to do anything. Find a therapist. Make an appt.
Question, would you as a 25f date 19m right now if you were single?
Ummm ma’am it sounds like you’ve been groomed…
On the upside? That’s the bare minimum.
So the adult dude who hooked up with a teenager, doesn’t want that woman to see a therapist about her relationship with him?!?
Gee, I wonder why he thinks that’s a red flag???
Sounds like he’s afraid you might learn something in therapy that he doesn’t want you to know…