My mom has always wanted to have a mother/son dance at my wedding ever since I was a little kid. My fiancé does not have a reliable father figure to dance with and her relationship with her mom has always been rocky and as of a few months ago they’re not in the best place rn. I told my fiancé about this dance years ago and how it meant a lot to my mom (let me just say here that I am not a mama’s boy, and my fiancé will be the first to admit that. I’m just very grateful to her as she’s been a great mom to me). About 2 months ago we had a meeting with the venue rep and my dance was brought up and put on the wedding itinerary. Nothing was said about it until About 2 weeks ago my mom signed us up for a dance lesson. Since then my fiancé said a couple things about how she’s sad I’m having a parent dance and she’s not. Now here’s where I know I’m an asshole and I’m 100% in the wrong but I made a bad joke about her dancing with her step dad (who she doesn’t really like) and that made her really upset. I immediately regretted it and apologized profusely. I think I said it bc I was a bit uncomfortable and just didn’t know what else to say. Fast forward to last night and she sat me down to say that going forward with the dance is the most I’ve ever hurt her in our 8 year relationship. I was really taken back as this was the first time she really said how much this has affected her. I explained that I told her many times that this dance was going to happen, we even told the wedding planner about it together. But she “didn’t think it was real bc I thought you would take my feelings into account and cancel it or just had the dance with other ppl on the floor” Now if I knew it was going to come to this I would have just listened and did the dance more lowkey to try to satisfy both but now my wedding is very soon and my fiancé is saying it’s too late to change it. I should also point out my mom is paying for about 20% of the wedding so I do feel obligated to make this one wish of her’s happen. What it really comes down to is my fiancé feels like I’m not putting her first on her wedding day and i completely get that, but i feel like she had countless opportunities to come to me earlier and we could have hashed this out. She’s using the “my friends are on my side” argument but I think I need a neutral prospective. And just to give her her fair chance, I want to hammer home that my fiancé is self conscious and thinks our guests will wonder why she isn’t having a parent dance and I am.
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My mom has always wanted to have a mother/son dance at my wedding ever since I was a little kid. My fiancé does not have a reliable father figure to dance with and her relationship with her mom has always been rocky and as of a few months ago they’re not in the best place rn. I told my fiancé about this dance years ago and how it meant a lot to my mom (let me just say here that I am not a mama’s boy, and my fiancé will be the first to admit that. I’m just very grateful to her as she’s been a great mom to me). About 2 months ago we had a meeting with the venue rep and my dance was brought up and put on the wedding itinerary. Nothing was said about it until About 2 weeks ago my mom signed us up for a dance lesson. Since then my fiancé said a couple things about how she’s sad I’m having a parent dance and she’s not. Now here’s where I know I’m an asshole and I’m 100% in the wrong but I made a bad joke about her dancing with her step dad (who she doesn’t really like) and that made her really upset. I immediately regretted it and apologized profusely. I think I said it bc I was a bit uncomfortable and just didn’t know what else to say. Fast forward to last night and she sat me down to say that going forward with the dance is the most I’ve ever hurt her in our 8 year relationship. I was really taken back as this was the first time she really said how much this has affected her. I explained that I told her many times that this dance was going to happen, we even told the wedding planner about it together. But she “didn’t think it was real bc I thought you would take my feelings into account and cancel it or just had the dance with other ppl on the floor” Now if I knew it was going to come to this I would have just listened and did the dance more lowkey to try to satisfy both but now my wedding is very soon and my fiancé is saying it’s too late to change it. I should also point out my mom is paying for about 20% of the wedding so I do feel obligated to make this one wish of her’s happen. What it really comes down to is my fiancé feels like I’m not putting her first on her wedding day and i completely get that, but i feel like she had countless opportunities to come to me earlier and we could have hashed this out. She’s using the “my friends are on my side” argument but I think I need a neutral prospective. And just to give her her fair chance, I want to hammer home that my fiancé is self conscious and thinks our guests will wonder why she isn’t having a parent dance and I am.
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> 1. Going through with a mother/son dance at my wedding 2. Bc my fiancé doesn’t want me to
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
YTA if you deny your mother this dance.
Highly probable the your fiancé’s friends and family know about her father situation and would understand.
It’s a shame she can’t be happy for the both of you.
NTA. What you want in your wedding matters too.
Mother/son dances are relatively new and it used to be only father/daughter at most weddings, and no one thought that was weird, and the opposite will be ok too.
Just don’t bring up the stepdad again! That sounds like bad news. Does she have a cool brother or uncle, by any chance?
Ugh, that’s tough all around. A lot of valid feelings. Definitely YTA for the joke you made about it, but I don’t really feel like you’re the asshole for wanting a special moment with your mom at your own wedding, that she is helping to pay for. It seems like there should be a way to adjust the plan so that your bride is less unhappy about it, whether it becomes part of a larger family dance or she dances with your dad or something. I feel very confident that your wedding planners can make changes to something like that at the last minute.
NAH
I can see both sides to this.
She 100% should have communicated with you more clearly. Perhaps she wasn’t even really all that aware of how much this would impact her. But speaking as someone whose partner is estranged from their parents, things like this can hit them in weird ways. And a mother son dance may really highlight how un-present her father figures are from her life.
From your side, it’s totally valid to want that moment with your mom, especially as you communicated it early on. And you know your joke was in terrible taste.
I think there is a compromise here, you just both need to be willing to talk it through 🙂
Would your dad dance with her? It’s a nice symbol of “you’re part of the family now.”
Edit to add judgement: NTA.
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NTA
So… she made an assumption, turned out wrong, and now she wants to punish you (and your mom) for not reading her mind? She should’ve communicate her feelings like a proper adult. And she has the audacity to act like the victim because you’ve hurt her? That’s manipulative.
This is your wedding too. And if the wedding guests are friends & family who knows her, they likely know about her barely-existing relationship with her parents. No one’s gonna WONDER why she didn’t have a parent/child dance.
NTA
Do you have a father or a brother that can dance with her or does she have a brother or a unckr she really likes?
OP, your girlfriend’s emotions are what they are, no judgment on how she’s feels about not having a parent to dance with, but her attempts to control and shame you by projecting those feelings onto your dance with your mom are really unacceptable. You are going to hurt your mom if you cancel now. Full stop. That is cruel and mean. Yes, it’s your wedding, but that isn’t license to treat other people like shit. Do you want to dance with your mom? It’s YOUR wedding, not just hers, and she doesn’t seem to be putting you first here. Good for the goose and all that. I really hope that you don’t do this to your mom. And it’s not great that your fiancee doesn’t seem to care at all about your mom’s feelings. Like really not good. Maybe think about that.
Talk to your mom and explain then start the dance with your mom and as soon as you start, have the DJ ask everyone else to join. It is a nice tribute to your mom without making your fiancé uncomfortable for the entirety of the dance.
NTA but I can see why she’s upset
Especially since traditionally it would be a father daughter dance
Think you need to have some deeper conversations about it, just you two and let her just express her sadness and come to an understanding
There’s some things about my wedding that really upset me from years ago and it took several very open conversations with my husband for me to start to get over them – it’s a big day with a lot of emotions and expectations tied to it
She should be happy for you though and she needs to find a way to do that for you because it’s your wedding too
If her family and friends know her well enough then they will know why she isn’t having one and it’s only really going to be the topic of conversation for a day or two and then everyone will forget anyway
Think you need to keep reiterating that you understand her side completely but also equally from your side you still want to go ahead because you’ll never get that chance again
“My mom has always wanted to have a mother/son dance at my wedding ever since I was a little kid.”
How would you know this? Was she grooming you for some type of Emotional Incest victory dance?
This is messed up but I can see what you are going to do. By all means ignore your wife’s feelings in favor of your mother’s. What could be more helpful for the beginning of a marriage than that?
Some day in the future when she has the power she’s going to flagrantly ignore your wishes about some sensitive subject and when you start crying she will remind you of this.
NTA. This is your wedding too. Your fiance is basically saying you shouldn’t do something that is going to make you and your mother happy because she doesn’t get to do the same. It’s just selfish. How far will it go? What else will she deny when it comes to your family because she doesn’t have the same thing?
NTA Your wife is a selfish fuck who only thinks about herself and doesn’t consider this your wedding as well. She only cares about herself and not that this day is about you and your family as well
NTA. You’re right, it’s been on her to communicate much, much sooner. Like… what does this say about her ability to be vulnerable to you?
It’s not fair that she’s like ‘I didn’t think it was real’, and ‘you should’ve taken her feelings into consideration’. Excuse her but: why didn’t she trust you, AND why does she expect you to read her mind?
I’m someone who is direct and has a lot of indirect communicators around me. The deal is to together make a space where vulnerable feelings can exist and they know I’ll be gentle and encouraging. I can’t read their mind and they can’t expect me to act on incomplete info.
Tbh, you should proceed with the dance with your mum. She even said so. This isn’t about you not putting your bride first, you could argue that your bride isn’t putting you first either, as she didn’t give you the chance to put things right.
Talk it over. See if your dad wants to dance with her. Or your mom even! Or if you could make another ritual together. You’ve got this.
ESH. Your “bride” is being a manipulative person over her feelings. She KNEW she didnt want this and rather than talking it out like an adult shes using emotional tactics to change your mind. She was testing you to see if you would “put her first” when there’s NO need for that. And you would be one if you canceled on your mom because your “bride” decided the play games. You need to tell her “if we cancel this, we might as well cancel the whole wedding because you obviously can’t actually talk this out because you chose to be childish over something you’ve known about for a long time. And now that its happening, you want to pull this?” Whats next- denying your mom any part of your future because the bride doesnt have a good one with her parents? Hmmm… this is a big red flag before the wedding.
Rigjht now it’s NAH: both your feelings are valid. But you need to figure out a compromise where your new wife isn’t sitting at rhe sidelines whilst you dance a full choreography with your mom.
Options:
Does your mom know how your fiancee feels? What does she suggest, knowing her DIL is so sad?
Yes, dance with your wife not your mom you big baby
NTA, it’s not just her wedding.
Is your father around and a possibility, if they have a good relationship? Or somebody else close?
Otherwise have a bit of time with your mother and then everybody joins, change music style, get the party started.
FWIW, I didn’t have a father-daughter dance at our wedding. He was there, just refused to dance (although he had been promising to do it while planning) and literally left me standing and waiting at my own effing wedding. My FIL stepped in on the spot.
I think the wedding day is really about you and your fiancée, so involving family in this way feels a bit unnecessary. I also find it a little odd that your mom had the dance written into the program specifically — since during the reception you’ll naturally have chances to dance with her casually anyway.
Because it’s your shared wedding, both of your wishes matter equally, and it’s really important not to add extra stress for the bride on the big day. I also don’t think your fiancée’s strained relationship with her family is very relevant here — what matters most is how the two of you feel as a couple.
I don’t think you’re the asshole, but I do think finding a compromise with your fiancée is the best path forward.
NTA If her only objection is that you get to have a parent/child dance and she doesn’t, then she should be glad that at least one you gets to do what she admits she herself would want to do if she had the same chance you do.
This is what it comes down to: she wants both of you to be sad rather than you being happy and her choosing to be happy for you.
Besides, unless she spells it out, how were you supposed to take a couple of comments about how she’s sad she won’t have her own parent/child dance and automatically extrapolate that out into her being so against you having your own dance that she’d consider you going forward with it the most hurtful thing you’ve ever done?
I don’t think she’s being reasonable. You couldn’t have just guessed it was this important to her — and one of the reasons why is because it is so unreasonable that she takes this attitude. It’s the dog in the manger howling because the cows can eat the hay.
I see her point. Traditionally, it’s the father daughter dance. But she doesn’t have that figure to have it with. So without your dance, it might have been hard on her anyway. But then add in a fiance who has been planning and mommy son dance since birth, and she is really feeling the sting.
Then comes you, the finace who is supposed to love her and care for her. You didn’t think of her feelings at all. In fact, at first convo, you hurt her with a joke. Now you’re saying your Mom’s 20% payment and her feelings and desires mean more than the woman who might become your wife.
I say might because this could be a deal breaker. I know I would step back after the joke and do a hard rethink. It seems to me you have failed to think of your partner, and when discussing it, never tried to see her perspective and find something that would make her happy too.
You need to gain some empathy quick. You need to learn to communicate better. You need to really hear her and how she feels. Only then can you discuss a compromise. How will you feel if you bulldoze your way into having that dance and when it’s done you can’t find your new bride because she’s in the bathroom crying and hurt and suddenly doesn’t really care about the reception anymore and just wants to go home and go to bed…alone? YTA
NTA… sounds a little like emotional manipulation to me. There is definitely something else she can do during that time. Dance with something who means just as much in her life (her Aunt, best friend, sister) or hand out roses to all the people in the ceremony who have helped to build you into the people you are today
You should open the dans with your mom and have the mother son dance after
NAH
YTA,
It doesn’t actually sound like you care all that much about your wife’s feelings at all. Listen I get that it would feel like a special moment for you and your mom, but your wife (i say wife because that’s what she will be at this moment) has made it abundantly clear that she will feel left and sad. I feel like there is clearly a way to honor your parents at your wedding that doesn’t make your wife feel self conscious and sad about her own family life. Why in gods name would you choose to make your wife sad on her own wedding day. You need to find a compromise with your mom not demand your wife suck up and deal. Also….it’s a dance they can make itinerary changes mid wedding why are you acting like weeks beforehand can’t be changed?
There is no way you can start a healthy marriage by making your wife feel sad about her family relationship on you wedding day.
The obvious solution is to dance with your mom on your wedding in a non highlighted way.
NTA
It’s also “your day”. It is about you and your mother not her at all. She has to also take your feelings into account and you’ve shared forever how meaningful this is for you. Don’t back down. This is one moment in a very busy and momentous day
Could you do a dance that is a mother/son dance and then you transition the music and switch to dancing with your wife? Like a choreographed hand over and finish the dance with your wife?
NTA, she flat out expected you to know she wanted you to cancel it without her communicating it to you. That’s NOT cool and you need to set some expectations about communication moving forward if something is truly bothering her.
If everyone already knows she doesn’t have a male role model figure to dance with her, it really will not be a big deal. No one is going to expect an explanation. I lost my dad when I was a kid and while my husband and I didn’t end up having a wedding, when we were originally planning it, the plan was to play my parents wedding song with an empty dance floor as a tribute because like your fiance I don’t have anyone else I can sub into the spot.
NTA but your fiancée and her friends are. Why should you have to miss out on this just because she is? That’s ridiculous. When my friend got married, she didn’t get to do her father-daughter dance because the groom’s mom didn’t want to do a mother-son dance and everyone at the wedding was talking about how horrible that was of him to do to her.
My dad is dead and if I got married after he died instead of before I would never tell my husband he can’t do the mother-son dance. It’s not your fault or your mom’s fault she doesn’t have someone to dance with.
NTA. It’s your wedding too. You’re not choosing your mom over her, you’re marrying her for Christ’s sake! You are keeping a promise you make to your mom long before she was even around. The way she’s acting is really manipulative and would give me pause. How is this behavior going to unfold in the future?
Sometimes we don’t get to have things in life, tough luck. But that doesn’t mean other people shouldn’t have it. She says you’re hurting her by doing this, has she considered that she is hurting you? Why do only her feelings matter?
It’s your wedding too.
NTA- Can your Dad dance with her?
Modern families are messy. Meghan Markle’s future father-in-law walked her down the aisle because her father was unreliable in a spectacle watched by the whole world. (Please – No comments on how that FIL/DIL relationship went.)
I mean you’ll need to put your wife above your mom for the rest of your life so probably best to explain the situation to your mom now and remove the dance. Try to save her a special dance at the wedding, though, even if others are on the dance floor!!
I’m going with NTA though because your finance is being TA for waiting way too long to guilt trip you about this. I’ve been to a couple of weddings where one member of the wedding couple had a parent dance and the other didn’t, no one cared.
YTA
If you haven’t been estranged from family you have no idea what that pain is like. She was hinting at you the whole time not to do it and you chose to ignore her. If you care about her feelings you shouldn’t do it, and if your mom pulls her funding it was conditional in the first place and she’s the shitty person, not you
As someone who’s been through this shit I would cancel the wedding over this, not exaggerating. So be careful.
NTA it’s also your day and if she tries to get in the way of something that’s been planned all along and using emotional manipulation I would reconsider the wedding, it’s not fair to you to miss that moment with your mom just cause she feels jealous cause she has no one.
NTA. Your fiancée is very selfish. Why should you decline a dance that means so much to you and your mother? This isn’t about “not putting her first,” this is about honoring the woman that raised you to be the man your fiancée wants to marry. If she is going to try to guilt-trip you into giving up something that means this much to you and your mother, maybe you need to think twice about marrying her. Is she this selfish in other matters?
FWIW, it doesn’t remotely matter whether your mother paid for the entire wedding or none of it.
NTA. This isn’t just her wedding. I don’t understand people that don’t want their partners to enjoy something just because they don’t/can’t have it. She should be glad that you have a good relationship with your mum, but instead she’s making it all about her. That’s selfish in my opinion
NTA like you said she has had plenty of time to tell you how she felt about it and she didn’t now she has to suck it up. Tbf even if she had brought it up earlier I’d still say go ahead with the mother/son dance, this is your wedding day as well and this is something you’ve looked forward to since before you even knew her. Yes it’s sad that she’s not close to her parents but that’s not yours or your mom’s fault and why should you miss out just because her family is a mess. The only way this will ruin the wedding is if she let’s it and that will be on her not you.
NTA, It’s literally your wedding as much as hers. You’re not toddlers, it shouldn’t be a “well if this person cant, no one can” situation. Your mom and you have a bond, why not celebrate it. Again, it’s not just her wedding.
Nta. its your wedding too. its a shame your wife never learned that sometimes life is unfair.
NTA. I understand her feelings, but it is unfair to frame this as you hurting her. It’s also unfair to expect you to have done something that she never asked. And it would definitely be unfair to your mother to cancel this now. You should talk about how to help her feel more comfortable about this, not to cancel it.
I’m going to say that I’m coming at this from a perspective of someone who is beyond rocky with their parent. For me, I wouldn’t be OK with my partner having a dance with his mum and me not having a parent dance, because I would spend the entire thing thinking about how I didn’t have that bond he has, and it would absolutely ruin my wedding day. I have a lot of trauma there. It’s not being selfish – it’s a psychological issue; I have C-PTSD and I can’t control that or just switch it off.
Now, I don’t know your fiancée’s relationship with her family, but if there is trauma there, that might be where she’s coming from on feeling the most hurt she has in your 8 year relationship. Because personally, if the roles were reversed, I would never suggest a parent dance if I knew that the other person couldn’t have one, or that it would re-traumatise them.
Your language speaking about it suggests that this was never ever a subject for compromise, despite what you say – you say you have told her about this dance years ago and what it meant to your mum. That sounds very much like ‘this will happen on our wedding day’ and not a ‘can we do this on our wedding day’.
I would also find it very hard to have a conversation with someone about this, if they’re in a ‘this is happening’ mindset. Because it’s hard enough to have a conversation around even if the person is trying to help me have that conversation, let alone if it’s challenging something that someone is dead set on.
YTA for the joke, NAH for the way you both feel about it.
NTA. Yes, your joke was in bad taste. You were uncomfortable. Unless it was wildly inappropriate in a way you’re not describing, it still doesn’t outweigh everything else you’ve said.
You’re not a mind reader. The idea that you should have known how she felt when she completely failed to communicate about it is a red flag.
I’ve been in this situation from the other side. I didn’t plan on having a father-daughter dance, but my husband danced with his mom at the wedding, because we knew it would be her only chance to have that kind of experience. I helped plan it, and I told him I didn’t care if it looked different from other people’s weddings. I just wanted the two of them to have their moment.
As an aside, I had an unplanned dance with my mom to one of her favorite songs, and it made her happy, too. Even if it doesn’t look traditional, is there anything she can plan to make herself happy that doesn’t take away from your happiness?
This day is about both of you. You deserve a moment with your mom.
NTA. It’s your wedding too, and she should be happy for you.
My son married a woman whose dad passed a couple years prior to their wedding.
Instead of taking away a moment she knew she would miss, she helped us choose a song to dance to.
As the dance progressed, I called her out to the dance floor, and gave my son to her, and she finished the dance. She loved that. He loved that. And I loved that.
We are all super close. She honored her father by having charms with his picture attached to her shoes, so he, in essence, walked her down the aisle.
NTA
Mild ESH. Nobody is necessarily a bad person, but everyone has big, valid feelings that are making them act in ways they’re not necessarily proud of.
I think that this is meaningful to you, and your mum, and that it’s something you wanted on something that is ultimately your “big, special day” as well. You communicated it clearly from the beginning that this is something you wanted.
I don’t think you handled it appropriately though with the joke. It’s clearly an incredibly touchy subject for her, and I can fully understand how she’s probably feeling. I don’t think that means she should dictate how this goes for you though. You need to take accountability and apologise, and commit sincerely to NEVER doing that again. I think you need to express empathy, and create space where you can help her heal from all of that, providing safety and comfort because you’re her “person” that should not make her feel like the bar guys in her life did. But hold your boundaries as well. She is not automatically more important than you, her trauma can be real without you needing to dull your special family commitments either. It’s not fair to ask. Communicate why this is important to you, and crucially, find a way to figure out how she can embed some kind of special moment with an important figure in her life as well. She needs to be open minded and respectful of you as well, at least to hear you out.
My dad didn’t come to my wedding, he’s an abusive AH. My husband’s mother is sadly no longer with us. He mentioned her in the vows he wrote, and it was beautiful. Just a simple kiss & point to the sky and something to the effect of “I did it, mum, and you would have loved her”. It was an honour to see him find a way to share that with her in his own way. While it’s slightly different, there was no part of me that was thinking that it should be all about me up there or something, it was truly touching to see him so happy despite the sadness of her missing his/our special day.
I’m not a fan of traditional gender roles, and I feel that if the situation was reversed and you were the one with the shit family and she wanted to do the “expected” father/daughter dance, you wouldn’t even get a say, even if you were feeling sad about not getting to do this with your mum.
Could you possibly find a way to include them both? Maybe have the choreo be you and your mum to start with, and then like… Symbolically adding in your new wife, to represent embracing her as part of the family?
I completely understand that weddings bring up stress and people acting really weird. It’s also a time where we do recognise where our family structure might be a little different or even painful for us. Please don’t mock her about that again, I promise you she is probably traumatised in her own way, especially for making a big deal out of this.
Present your case respectfully. Equally, she should hear you out and not put you in a position where doing this makes you the bad guy, that is also not fair. Yes, compromise is important in marriage, but there’s compromise and then there’s being manipulative. It’s not your fault your mum is a better parent than hers were. You don’t have to spend your life feeling guilty for that, and you would regret not doing it (especially when one day, your mum passes on).
Find a way to ensure she gets a special moment, or include her. Listen to her and show you care, maybe even help her get into therapy to process her feelings about her family. Don’t be like “ummm you need therapy!!!” lol, but suggest it thoughtfully. In the worst-case scenario, maybe arrange a little side quest for her to do while you’re doing the dance, if she’s really that affected by it. Like maybe arrange an extra 30 minutes with the photographer for her to have really cute and special photos with her besties. Idk, something that shows you can and do simultaneously care AND not want to give this up.
In marriage, it’s not just about what the issue is. It’s about how you communicate the issues. I get not wanting to start off on a bad foot, but it’s also SO unfair that the burden and pressure is on you to cave for this not to be a thing. It would also probably be a bad omen if you are constantly expected to be on tiptoes because she hasn’t processed her trauma properly. Good luck!
NTA. It’s your wedding too; why should you not be able to have a dance with the most important woman in your life? I’m sorry that your fiancee has noone to have a father/daughter dance with, but that’s not your problem.
Have her do a dance with your mum too, mum sounds like she wouldn’t mind and it could be your Mum’s and fiancé’s family bonding dance. Ask your Mum to ask her. Could be sweet 🤷♀️
NTA
Frankly, her attitude against your relationship with your mom seems very jealous and petty.
Yes, it sucks she doesn’t have a father to dance with, but she could also choose a close family or friend to substitute.
Honestly, this is something that needs a serious discussion NOW before you’re married. If she’s that resentful of your mom, this is only going to get worse
Your wedding isn’t the time to show your mom how grateful you are. It’s not about your mom. It’s about you and your fiancé. To me, it sounds like you’re doing it because your mom wants it. But, put yourself in your fiancé’s shoes. Is she meant to sit there and watch you have this moment that she can’t have? The memory of your wedding day will always be about that regardless of how good it turns out. I’d reconsider it.
Maybe have a dance with your mom the morning of and have your own little moment, so she’s still getting her dance. It doesn’t have to be at the actual party/venue and public. And if she insists it being at the venue and in front of everyone, then it was never about it being a special moment with her boy.
I’ve always thought that one of the ugliest things you can do to a partner is force them to have less, or be less, just because they have something that you don’t.
You have to forgo this beautiful moment with your mother just because her relationship with her parents isn’t good. How could you demand that of someone you supposedly love? How do you stick your hot little hand out to take someone’s money and then tell them they can’t have this moment with their son? It’s just so ugly.
NTA, and I hope this is the only thing she’s being like this about. If she does things like this in other areas of your lives you are about to make a truly colossal mistake.
YTA for the stepdad joke. You knew your fiance was very sensitive about this issue, and it seems she tried to get over it but then you decided to rub salt in the wound right when she was expressing her feelings. That was really cruel of you and now you’ve added even more negative context to this dance. You still don’t even seem to empathize with her perspective when you say you have to hammer home how self conscious she is. Of course she is! The father daughter dance is more common than a mother son dance and your guests will most definitely notice the omission. Honestly I don’t understand how you have the stomach to go through with making it a spectacle at this point. But you can’t even seem to validate your partner’s feelings so I guess that’s why you don’t give AF.
NTA. It’s your wedding too.
NTA.
You are not a mind reader and your wife should get used to speaking up of something bothers her instead of relying on you magically knowing how she feels about everything – especially if her feelings and actions don’t match. That’s an absolute disaster for a marriage.
Your wedding is a much a farewell to the life you had as it is a celebration for the life you’re stepping into. Saying goodbye to your mom like this – it’s a symbolic of becoming a man and “cleaving” from one’s parents. I truly don’t understand why your wife, who is already apparently “cleaved” needs this symbolism or wants to deny it to you.
Your wife being jealous of you having a family isn’t going to go away. You have got to address this, and your wife needs individual therapy to address the broken relationships with her parents. She wants equality where equality cannot exist and as a consolation prize she will accept your suffering/discomfort/unhappiness.
Hope you have a prenup because this history of divorced (or maybe never married) parents combined with her emotional immaturity doesn’t bode well for the health or longevity of your marriage.
I see a whole lot of NTAs and do not argue to the contrary. I also see, after that joke, that if the wedding even goes forward that there will be a dark cloud of your marriage and that it won’t be the same.
NTA and this is a major red flag. It’s BOTH of your wedding day, your FUTURE (potential) WIFE should WANT to support you and what makes you happy. You dancing one dance with your mother has NOTHING to do with the bride or her relationship with her dad/step-dad/family. Your comment about step dad wasn’t cool, and you seem to know that and apologized, so no bother speaking more to it. Seriously consider if you feel like your needs have space to be met in this relationship before walking down that aisle.
NTA. She’s being extremely selfish. Just because she doesn’t have a great relationship with her parents, means that you have to suffer the consequences of that now?? It’s not just her wedding, and especially if your mom is covering 20% of it, you should be able to do a dance with your mom because you love her and she wants to do it. Tell your fiancé that she needs therapy not AH friends that are going to agree with her illogic.
NTA. None of this is a good look for her, or a good way to start a marriage. She basically was waiting around for you to magically read her mind, and when you didn’t she tried to change the rules. She also doesn’t want you to have a really nice thing because she can’t have it too, which is not really a great trait in a potential life partner.
I hope you aren’t planning multiple kids with this woman, because it seems like she doesn’t understand that fair and equal are not the same thing, and will try to take something away from one kid because the other kid didn’t have it too – like forcing the younger kids to go on the older ones playdates and making sure they aren’t invited to things again.
Look – this is your wedding day too. And stuff like this is meant to integrate your old family into your new family, not cutting ties but expanding and changing them. You announced this tradition was important to you a long time ago, as both people do early in the wedding planning process when they lay out the things that matter most to them. She’s now making this about ‘you are hurting me on our wedding day’ but won’t it hurt you to start dancing and know she said you could have this thing you wanted, then snatched it away at the last moment? If she keeps this pattern up your marriage is going to be really short or really unhappy. She needs to learn to communicate her real thoughts early on and compromise with you.
NTA. Let the guests wonder.
Granted, you shouldn’t have made that joke about get stepfather, that didn’t help you any.
But, at least from this post, you don’t sound like a groomzilla.
Maybe she’s simply envious she doesn’t have anyone on her side to dance with. That’s life though, and you shouldn’t be penalized for that; she should be an adult about it.
That said, does your fiancee have any other relative she can dance with? Or could your dad do it if he’s still around?
Every family is different, and if your guests are good people who care about you both, then they won’t make a big deal. Hell, they’ll forget about it on the drive home.
NTA
I never got a parent/child dance and I never will. My first wedding? It was short notice, out of state, none of my family was even there. My stepdad passed a few months later. My mom passed in 2019. My dad just passed a few months ago. If my current boyfriend wants a mom/son dance, I’ll let him have it. It’s not just my wedding. I get that she’s hurt, but where does the line end? She needs to process these emotions because you have a good relationship with your mom.
NTA.
She should have truly communicated much more clearly, and if you brought it up with the planner together, there’s no way you really could have known she did not truly want it.
But can she dance with a friend or brother/sister? I don’t know what type of dance you and your mother learned, but most dances with basic steps can be taught rather quickly, before the wedding.
I get she feels alone and vulnerable in that moment, but at this point it is on her to fix that.
NTA this is such a small molehill that your fiancée is making a mountain out of. You DO have a good relationship with your Mom and she should be happy for that instead of crying about it.
Call off the wedding.?
ESH. Y’all need to learn to communicate and problem-solve together. What is her relationship like with your parents? Would she be open to dancing with your mother or father? Or another close family member?
You know, some people just don’t dance. I’m one of them, and declined to do a dance at my daughter’s wedding. If anyone there noticed I sat that out, I don’t care. That ritual was meaningless to me. I doubt anyone will care if the groom has a dance but the bride doesn’t.
THINK. Think long and hard. Think long and hard about whether you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who thinks like this, having no problem denying you something just because they can’t equally have it, especially involving a parent. THINK!!
So my dad died a few years before I met my husband. I wanted him to have his mother/son dance, but we didn’t have the DJ announce it as such. However when they got up everyone left the dance floor anyway. The dj asked what he should do and I said it was okay to say something.
NTA why does everything have to be so complicated. So your wife doesn’t have anyone to dance with, that’s life. Why should you have to miss out on this dance with your mum. Your wife is being selfish.
NTA. Also, while i’m sure your fiancé has many positive attributes, thinking you’re responsible for reading her mind and pulling out the ‘my friends agree’ are not among them. Lack of responsibility for her own emotions and refusing to admit she contributed to this last minute problem is the bigger problem.
You can see how your marriage will be in the long run. If your wife is happy you better be happy. If something upsets her, you better be upset as well. There’s no room for your feelings or emotions.
I’d run unless this is the life you want. There are plenty of women who wouldn’t do this to their SO. Marriage is hard but worth it if you work together.
So what will happen than you both get a child? Will your mother be shunned because she would love also to have her mother involved as a grandparent? I see this as a huge red flag! Please speak with her about this specifically. Update me
I think your mom signing you up for dance lessons was way over the top. It’s like she’s trying to outshine the bride and groom dance. And the “joke” about her stepdad was mean.
NTA. It’s your wedding as well. She doesn’t have to have a father/daughter (or similar) dance if she doesn’t want to. But if a mother/son dance is important to you you should absolutely do it.
I’m just curious, but who’s paying for the other 80 percent?
ESH
You for your comment. It didn’t make anything better.
Her for the obvious, being controlling and manipulative. But also for her lack of communication. People aren’t mind readers, if something bothers you discuss it. Now I don’t think a discussion entitles her to getting her way but knowing about this for years and basically giving you an ultimatum right before the wedding is wrong on all levels. As you said, had this not sprung up on you like a jack in the box, maybe the dance could have been toned down.
She needs to understand she’s not happy for you and that’s a character trait she needs to come to terms with. Something in her life sucks, not being able to have a father daughter dance, but she is willing to rob your happiness to satisfy herself, to remove shame from herself..it’s a “if I can’t have it neither can you” mentality. Had she not been so wrapped up in her feelings, she would genuinely be happy at least you get this experience.
If she’s worried about shame or embarrassment, there’s other compromises she can do to satisfy this dance, I’m sure the option of another important male figure has passed her mind, she could also do it with her mother, her FIL, a grandparent, but if she just doesn’t want to do it, she doesn’t get to dictate you don’t get to do it.
What a bad way to celebrate the start of your joint life partnership together, by trying to enforce unilateral decisions with zero appropriate communication.
You are making a whole show from your son-mother dance, you made a bad joke about your fiance dancing, that’s the result you made with your own hands.
Since your “joke” this wedding became about your mother’s dance that she bought with her 20% wedding payment.
Congratulations, mamas boy.
NTA… I think this is a weird situation for your fiance to want to be picked. I can’t understand why she can’t be happy for you and the fact that you have a good relationship with your mother. People who love people want the best for them. They don’t try to make them feel bad and bring them down. It’s your wedding too. Your fiance is acting really childish here.
ETA… this will most likely be a regular occurrence in your marriage. Where she only thinks about herself and pulls your relationship apart with your mom piece by piece because she only thinks about herself.
NTA, and I’d consider this a red flag for general personality. She wants to take away a happy moment from you and your mother to soothe her sad feelings about her own relationship with her parents? No, that’s selfish. If this is the “worst” thing you did to her in your entire relationship, she should consider herself very lucky and act accordingly.
“Fiancée.” “Fiancé” is masculine.
You’re not an asshole for your feelings. ESH.
If you both have parents there and only one of you has an official parent-child dance, that would be very weird. It would draw attention, create questioning from guests, and shine a light on family drama. Yuck.
So either fiancée needs to be kind and accommodate you by having the dance with her parent, or you and your parent need to be kind and choose to not subject her to that.
NTA-Weddings are about “We” and not “I”, and if you start the wedding with fiancée calling all the shots because they don’t have a parent to dance with, take it as a sign of how the future will look like. I think it is great you have a mother/son dance! What you want at your wedding is just as important as what your fiancée wants. You have been trying to put her first, but she is making this all about her and what she wants. How would your fiancée feel about dancing with your mom after your dance? There is plenty of room for compromise without giving up your mother and son dance. Fiancée needs to learn that it is not 100% about her and what she wants. PS, guests will not wonder why she doesn’t have a parent to dance with. What they will wonder is why is she having a major attitude while you dance with your mother and how rude it is to you and your mother. If possible, both of you go to counseling before nuptials take place. A non-biased opinion will help you both sort this out and start your newlywed life on good Karma!
YTA for the joke. Even if you immediately took it back you can’t take back the impact it had on her and it is going to stay with her.
Personally, I wouldn’t involve parents if my partners parents weren’t going to be involved in doing something similar in the wedding. But that’s because I’d be worried about how they’d feel about the fact that they didn’t get to have that experience on a day, which is supposed to be about us. I know my parents themselves wouldn’t have allowed me to have them do something if my partners parents couldn’t do it too.
Making something that’s not about her (your dance with your mom) is a massive red flag. This screams manipulation. NTA but I’d rethink the wedding if this is how she approaches things.
As a mother of a groom..not the groom. YTA. This is your and YOUR wife’s wedding. Yes, Mommy would be sad, but if you talk to her, if she’s a good Mom, she would rather not have that dance if your wife will be sad on HER wedding day too. I would never consent to upsetting my child’s bride by highlighting how horrible her family is/was on my child and my new child’s wedding day.
Pair your wife off with your Dad and have the unannounced with your Mom then.
This is when you learn to prioritize your wife and future children over others, even Mommy. By doing so you show your Mom that sole raised you to be a gentleman.
Nta. My parents were getting divorced during my wedding and my dad was being a bit crazy. He didn’t get invited to my wedding so I didn’t have a father daughter dance. I wouldn’t in a million years try and take my husband and MILs dance away from them bc of that. That’s a once in a lifetime moment she wants ruin bc she is either worried about what people think or wants you to suffer along w her. Either way its selfish and a big red flag.
when I got married in 2021 I wasn’t going to have the father daughter dance. My father and I were semi estranged and him showing up was unlikely. I have no living male relatives I was close with.
He has a challenging relationship with his mom.
So we chose to forgo all of that and we even blamed me. Which was fine.
I was a great deal in my emotions when I was realizing my Dad once again wasn’t going to show up for me. I am not sure how I would have felt if he had done a dance but i would have supported him.
It’s not about if you are an asshole or not at all.
Your fiancé has unresolved family issues and this dance would likely ruin the wedding for her, and potentially will derail your relationships, as it’s not a small thing sadly.
If you will cancel the dance your mum will be really upset and it may ruin wedding for her and your relationships with her.
Still, for many men there comes a dreadful day when they are set in front of choosing between their mother and their wife. This day came for you, but I can’t see how you will have a successful marriage if you choose mom now.
I’m not saying you are wrong here. I’m not even saying if marrying is good idea or not if it comes to this. Just be very well aware of what choice you are facing and the consequences of this choice.
If you want this marriage your only option here is consider wife first of course.
Did you take dance lessons with your fiance?
Why are you taking dance lessons with your Mom? A mother son dance is a nice MOMENT in the wedding. It should in no way upstage your first dance with your wife.
You need to talk with your wife about how you both envision this going. Do you expect your new wife to sit and watch you waltz your mom around the floor for 4 minutes? If your wife doesn’t have a parent to dance with is there a special moment with her wedding party? A friend? Something she can do during this time? Also your guests will be ready to party and don’t want to watch an elaborate mother son dance.
I was with you right up until your mommy signed you up for dance classes. Did you sign up for dance classes with your fiancee? If not this is so over the top.
NTA one of the worst things you can do to the important people in your life is make them feel like they need to have less just to be equal with you and make them feel like they must dull down their own wants and ambitions if they don’t align with you which is exactly what she’s doing. This is a toxic trait that will only get worse as time goes on as she will likely end up resenting you and your mother’s relationship as it is better than her own relationship with either of her parents. This is a big reg flag and I’d have a serious conversation with her about how concerning this is coming across.
Info do you have a dad she could dance with
“I’m not a Mamma’s boy” that’s the first thing a Mamma’s boy will say.
YTA.
NTA. I actually had the same exact situation at my wedding but I was in your wife’s shoes. I wasn’t close to my dad but knew asking my step dad would start drama, I asked my mom and she declined hoping I would chose my step dad vs not having a dance at all. None of them got along. This same debacle happened for who would walk me down the aisle and let’s just say I walked down alone. Now where we differ is I completely understood that my husband and MIL wanted to have a special moment and I was the one with the complicated situation so here was our solution. We each picked out meaningful songs for the people we wanted to dance with and instead of an announcement, the song was our queue to head to the dance floor. Our ushers cleared for the floor for us as well. (It kind of clears on its own for a slow song in the beginning anyways so this was not difficult) This worked for us both because there wasn’t a big announcement about mother/groom father/bride dance that caused confusion and drama on my end but my husband and his mother got to dance to their song and get some lovely pictures and I got to sneak in a dance with my step dad and dad without “picking favorites”. Having blended families CAN be a beautiful blessing but that is not the case for the majority of us and it honestly ends up shadowing what should be your most beautiful life moments. You and your mom 100% should share a dance!!! Your fiancé is reacting emotionally from trauma but I do understand it. Speak kindly and hold your boundaries. Best of luck to you both and congratulations! Promise you’ll laugh about it all one day.
Edit spelling
NAH, I guess? I can’t imagine doing something at a large public event that just rubs my husband’s poor relationship with his parents in his face and highlights it for the entire room. Traditionally, if a parent dance is happening, both members of the couple get one. It would be incredibly obvious that only one of you is doing it.
That being said, you’re not the asshole for wanting something so important to you and your mom. But you just have to decide, without reference at all to your mom, whether you will be more unhappy not to do it or she will be more unhappy to be reminded that her parents suck.
I’d lean to not doing the dance, and finding another special way to honor your mom that’s not right in your fiancee’s face, but that’s just me.
NTA. It’s a wedding for both of you. She needs to remember that the day is about both of you. She’s not getting married alone.
You’re not handling it the greatest, but neither is she. Have whatever “special” dances you want, none of them are obligated. She may feel a way about not having one, but that’s hers to deal with, not you foregoing a special moment with your mom.
My husband had no desire to dance with his mom, she was fine with it, so I danced with my dad, and my husband just didn’t have a “special” dance. Honestly, I wish I had had a dance with my mom, too, since she has since passed away and that would have been a lovely memory to have with her.
Does she have a brother, cousin, uncle who she is close that could be the dance she has? Either way NTA.
NTA have your dance with your mom, just don’t announce it. Your mom will know and if it’s in the beginning, eyes will be on you both.
Your wife can mingle with her guests for two minutes, or dance with a groomsman.
NTA. It’s a shame that your fiancée had such disappointing parents, but she needs to grow up a bit and appreciate that your mom would like one special moment at her (only?) son’s wedding. Presumably the guests all know you both and won’t “wonder” why she isn’t dancing with a parent too, and if they do, who cares?
The real problem is your fiancée being hung up on this and failing to communicate until the eleventh hour. WTF is up with “she didn’t think it was real”? Is this going to be a pattern for the rest of your life, her ignoring things that bother her until she explodes on you that “you should’ve known” and “my friends think you’re wrong”?
If you’re sure you want to marry this woman, try asking her to think of a future where HER son is getting married. She’d want that special dance, wouldn’t she? If worse come to worst, do not let her ruin your relationship with your mom, who sounds like a good, undemanding, sort.
I really hope you’re not the partner of the girl who’s mother in law wanted to have the actual first dance be the mother son dance. Saw that post like 3 days ago. As long as you’re not that guy NTA
NTA
My cousin (my uncle married her mom when she was a little girl) chose to dance with her mother’s brother, rather than her biological father. My uncle was unable to dance at that time with temporary disability. There is a solution. Any valued male member of your fiancés family would be fine. Or someone special in your family.
You should not have made the comment, but you also shouldn’t have to give up the mother son dance. Especially when mom is paying a large portion of the wedding.
Nta she’s really selfish for making an issue she has now your issue. Can’t she ask your dad to dance with her if she really wants to be involved? Or just let you have your moment. I do think it’s a red flag that she drive a wedge between you and your mom. Idk she seems insecure and selfish. You might want to
Talk
To her before you guys walk down the aisle
NTA.
Don’t miss out on the mother/son dance.
NTA (except for the joke but you already know that).
Is this a pattern OP, or is it wedding stress looking for an outlet? Could (would?) your family give her reassurance that they’ve got her back where (part of) hers doesn’t?
This wedding is about BOTH of you. Your fiance needs to stop being selfish. As long as its not the first dance you deserve a moment with your mother.
NTA
But how about your fiancé and her mom do a dance (at the same time as you and your mom)? Or separately. It’s 2025, there’s no reason that only opposite gender dances have to be had at your wedding.
Could you have your dad dance with the fiancee?