I (33F) have been with my boyfriend (33M) for over 6 years and we own a house together. His family lives about 4 hours away by car.
Later this year, his sister is getting married. She has 5 bridesmaids but sadly, one of her bridesmaids and best friends has been diagnosed with breast cancer. She doesn’t know yet whether she will be able to carry on her bridesmaids duties for my boyfriend’s sister.
As a result of this, last Thursday, my boyfriend’s sister called him and asked him to ask me, if I could be a stand-in bridesmaid for her big day. She all but said “I couldn’t think of anyone else to ask so I’m asking you”.
She and I get along well but are not close by any means. To be honest, I don’t really want to do this for her. My opinion of her is that she is a bit demanding, spoilt, rude and overall doesn’t treat my boyfriend the way he should be treated despite everything he does for her (she says jump, he says off what bridge).
I am still considering whether I want to do this for her or not. For the sake of my relationship I’m torn between doing it to keep the peace, or standing my ground and making my position known to her (I won’t jump if you ask me to). At the same time I feel so deeply sad for her friend who is sick. I think she would feel much better about not being able to continue as bridesmaid if she knew there was someone else there who could stand in.
WIBTA if I said no to this request out of principle?
EDIT: thanks so much to all of you helpful strangers of Reddit. I think I’ve made my final decision – swallow my pride and do it for the friend, my boyfriend, and myself. If I do this it will always be recognised as something I did but didn’t have to do, which is nice. I’ll have to manage some expectations and set out some conditions, so if I have any updates I’ll report back here!
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I (33F) have been with my boyfriend (33M) for over 6 years and we own a house together. His family lives about 4 hours away by car.
Later this year, his sister is getting married. She has 5 bridesmaids but sadly, one of her bridesmaids and best friends has been diagnosed with breast cancer. She doesn’t know yet whether she will be able to carry on her bridesmaids duties for my boyfriend’s sister.
As a result of this, last Thursday, my boyfriend’s sister called him and asked him to ask me, if I could be a stand-in bridesmaid for her big day. She all but said “I couldn’t think of anyone else to ask so I’m asking you”.
She and I get along well but are not close by any means. To be honest, I don’t really want to do this for her. My opinion of her is that she is a bit demanding, spoilt, rude and overall doesn’t treat my boyfriend the way he should be treated despite everything he does for her (she says jump, he says off what bridge).
I am still considering whether I want to do this for her or not. For the sake of my relationship I’m torn between doing it to keep the peace, or standing my ground and making my position known to her (I won’t jump if you ask me to). At the same time I feel so deeply sad for her friend who is sick. I think she would feel much better about not being able to continue as bridesmaid if she knew there was someone else there who could stand in.
WIBTA if I said no to this request out of principle?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I believe I might be an asshole for saying no to a request to be a stand-in bridesmaid for my boyfriend’s sister. One of her bridesmaids has been diagnosed with cancer and if I say no to being a stand-in, I could be seen as an asshole
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
YWNBTA
That does not mean your reasons for saying yes are not valid, of course. But your call.
It’s completely fine to say no. You’re not obligated to be part of her wedding party, especially if it doesn’t feel right for you.
A polite decline is better than forcing yourself into a something you know you’ll resent.
You would not be the asshole for saying no. While it’s a kind thought to help someone in a difficult situation, you aren’t obligated to step into this role, especially given your feelings about your boyfriend’s sister.
You’re Not a Last Resort
The way your boyfriend’s sister asked you to be a stand-in bridesmaid “I couldn’t think of anyone else to ask so I’m asking you” is rude and shows she sees you as a last resort, not a valued part of her wedding. A bridesmaid is typically someone with a close, meaningful relationship to the bride, and her comment makes it clear she doesn’t see you that way.
Your Feelings Are Valid
You’re a part of the family, but you aren’t her closest friend. Your feelings about her being “demanding, spoiled, and rude” are valid, and it’s not your job to put yourself in a situation where you feel disrespected just to “keep the peace.” Saying “yes” out of a sense of obligation could lead to resentment, and it wouldn’t be fair to you or your boyfriend.
Ultimately, your decision should be based on what’s best for you and your well-being. It’s okay to say no to a demanding request, even if it’s for a wedding. It’s a lot of work to be in a wedding, and it’s not something you should do begrudgingly. If you’re not fully invested in the role, you’re not going to be a good bridesmaid.
I don’t think you’d be the A, I also think she’s a bit rich calling your boyfriend and asking him to ask you to be her bridesmaid stand in. Is there any reason she didn’t feel like she could ask you directly? Seems odd to me, that’s all.
I think YWNBTA if you refused it, and it’s still in advance enough that you can do it elegantly.
Many reasons not to do, and very few possible rewards: doing it will not change how she is, means or behaves towards you.
This situation is too complicated to put on your shoulders. She can have an uneven bridal party. I think it honors her friend more to know she isn’t replaceable. Her place could be empty if she can’t make it and it would honor her importance. I don’t know how to explain it. One of my best friends was going through a lot and couldn’t be in my wedding, but I didn’t want to replace her just because of numbers. She is too important. So I had one less bridesmaid.
you might be the asshole
What decision is true to your character? You can be a kind person who cares about other people despite her attitude or character flaws, as you see them.
What if you reframed it and did it for the person with cancer or for your boyfriend?
Also your post says backed out. If you already agreed then yes backing out would make you the asshole.
You could also offer to do it with stipulations, like say you don’t want to participate in the day of or pre-wedding plans with the rest of the bridesmaids.
If you’ve never asked or confronted the sister about those qualities she has that you do not like, it seems like kinda rude to not help now because of those things.
No, you wouldn’t. It’s horrible SIL friend is going through a major health condition. However, it’s not up to you to be the fill in if you don’t want to. SIL didn’t have the courtesy to call you directly. There is plenty of time for SIL to have another solution. Don’t go through your BF, call her directly.
YWNBTA to say no.
I think it would be best to still do it anyway, just for the sake of family peace and your own reputation in the family.
The wedding is soon, I assume, given that you say it’s later this year. So in a few months. There won’t be that much to put up with for long. You’ve presumably got to go to the wedding anyway, so that won’t be any different.
Being her bridesmaid isn’t an endorsement of her as a person. It’s just a family obligation.
Why does anyone need 5 bridesmaids? It used to be 1 or 2 and a best man, not whole hordes.
You always want to look like you’re a wonderful person to your in-laws. Technically you WNBTA if you refused, but if you refuse then they’ll always remember this. My answer would be that I would love to help, but I think if there was someone who lived closer it might be easier. If no one else can stand in then I surely will, but understand it will just be on the day of the wedding. I don’t have the time to do dress fittings, etc. You’ll need to send me the dress ahead of time so I can have it fitted.
Why does she need a “stand in”. Is it really that big of a deal if there is one more groomsmen than bridesmaids? It’s almost nicer to not to have a stand in as a gesture that the friend is not replaceable. Regardless, WNBTA
YWNBTA.
Here’s my reasoning:
I don’t like that she’s asking him instead of you directly. I think I have an idea of what you mean by “demanding.” It’s a bit like she’s ordering you, not asking you.
NTA
Maybe just decline politely by explaining it‘d be too much right now because you have a lot going on & you don‘t want to do a bad job as a bridesmaid 🙃
YWNBTA. That being said, this is one of those decisions that will probably have consequences and you’ll have to be OK with that. Your boyfriend might get some grief. His parents might be disappointed in you. There might be friction with the sister in the future. I don’t think you should make a decision simply to make a point that you won’t jump because she asked you to. But I also don’t think you should make a decision based on trying to avoid unpleasantness that may or may not happen.
NTA. It’s not her MoH – all she has to do is reduce the number of bridesmaids and if the number of groomsmen has to match , the groom can figure out what to do on his end.
You’re not “backing out” of something you weren’t originally participating in or haven’t agreed to, you’re declining and if she’s petty enough to make it an issue, it’ll explain why she doesn’t have any other friends to wrangle into the role. Hold your position. What happens with the wedding sets the precedent for her future expectations from you, and frankly just the thought of getting entangled in the coming dress drama as an outsider would be enough to make me politely decline the second hand request.
Thanks everyone for the very helpful insights! I think I posted because I really don’t know how to feel about everything. However I’ve gotten some really great advice and ideas on how to approach it. At the moment I’m thinking: say yes but don’t commit to the other jobs that being a bridesmaid entails. I want to make my boyfriend happy too and I know he thinks this is a nice thing for me to do. Still mulling it over so keep the advice coming!
You’re NTA and SIL wouldn’t die if she had 4 bridesmaids. Unfortunately, it’s not that simple. The first thing you need to do is have a serious conversation with your bf. Talk to him about this. Tell him what you’re thinking and how you feel about it. Tell him why you dont want to do it, and that you’re worried about it hurting your relationship with him as well as making issues with his family. Tell him how you feel about maybe helping the other bridesmaid feel better about taking care of herself. Just be honest about it all. Focus on your desire not to cause issues between the two of you, not to have issues with his family, as well as not wanting to cause issues between him and his family.
Next, you need to talk to SIL. When you talk to her, make it clear you haven’t decided yet. Ask her what she would expect of you, especially during this period where you dont know if you’re needed or not. Is she going to expect you to be part of all the bridesmaid activities or not? Does she expect you to buy a dress + whatever else ASAP, just in case? If not, how will it work if you end up needing to be a standin? Is this something that will be decided well before the wedding, or could it end up being the day of that you’re told to stand in? What financial contributions would she expect from you? Ask about all the logistics and everything that would affect this. If she doesn’t have answers or doesn’t want to answer or doesn’t even want to talk to you, tell her you absolutely won’t be able to do this unless she’s able to have this conversation.
After you have talked to SIL, talk to your bf again. Talk to him about how you feel about everything she said and what her expectations are. Again, talk to him about any worry of creating any issue between the two of you as well as his family. If at any point he says it won’t be an issue, talk deeper on that. Tell him you need him to be absolutely honest on how he feels about this and how his view of you would be affected if you said no. You dont want him to say he’s fine if you say no if he isn’t, and he will just quietly resent you for it. Be prepared for him to tell you that it’s important to him for you to say yes. Know what you will do and say if this is the case before having the conversation. It may or may not be the right time, but talking about how you do not like the way his sister treats him may be something to bring up. Talking about how he actually feels about it would be good. Really, it’s would be another way to ask him how he would actually feel if you said no. If he doesnt like the way she treats him but he doesnt know how to change it, or doesnt want to rock the boat to do so, it could turn into a conversation if how to set boundaries and change this dynamic.
After you have had these conversations, take some time to yourself to think about it. Think about what your requirements are if you say yes. What are you willing to do, at least before knowing if you’re officially needed or not. Once you have come to your decision and figured out whatever you need to figure out, talk with your bf again. This talk is more to just let him know what conclusion you have come to and, if you’re saying yes, what your conditions are. After that, then you let her know what you’ve decided. If she refuses your conditions, talk about them. Know beforehand where you’re willing to wiggle and negotiate and what you’re willing to do or not. If she still refuses and has a “its what I want and only what I want so fall in line” response, tell her no (let your bf know during that final talk with him that you will be doing this if needed).
This is a bit of work, going back and forth with conversations, but it’s probably the best way to handle it, given all the factors surrounding this request. Hopefully, the friend will be able to keep her role, and it won’t end up being an issue.
That’s a tough one. On one hand you could tell her you don’t know if you can commit to the expectations due to the location. If she pushes back you can easily agree to rehearsal dinner and wedding day stuff only, and just suck it up and do it. Perhaps do it for her friend to relieve her sadness for missing out, yourself so you look like the hero to your bf parents (brownie points lol?)…
I honestly don’t know what I’d do in your situation. I guess it would depend on your long term goals with integrating into the family vs not, etc.
YWNBTA, however, I thought my SIL was going to have a lot of demands and be disappointed (her typical state), and she was actually pretty great. It was a good moment for us and I got to know her a lot better despite seriously dreading it.
Just do it. For family peace, for your boyfriend.
What does this entail? Will you need a dress right away? I was a bridesmaid for one of my best friends but moved out of state before the wedding. I didn’t attend anything but the rehearsal dinner and wedding. I didn’t go to the Bachelorette or anything
“Bf mentioned that you were thinking of asking me to stand in for your friend as bridesmaid. Thanks for thinking of me, I’ve been checking my schedule & unfortunatley I wouldn’t be able to commit to bridesmaid duties & I wouldn’t want to let you down. I hope you find someone to stand in for your friend. Thanks again”.
Super polite. And a subtle dig that she didn’t even ask you herself. Just make sure you screenshot your reply.
No you most certainly wouldn’t. Your bf’s sister is only thinking of herself not even her friend. If her friend has to back out she’s thinking ‘I won’t have enough bridesmaids, my wedding aesthetics will be ruined’. Shame on her.
Also how would the friend feel if she knew there was a back up for her? How to tell your ill friend- ‘you’re not that important! My wedding aesthetics is more important than you or your health!’
I’d be polite and say no. You could just leave it at that. OR you could say you don’t think it would be fair to the friend; it would be like telling her to back down.
Your bf’s sister is making me feel angry. Good Luck, I have a feeling you’ll need it.
Simply say “No, we are 4 hours away and I won’t be able to commit to any of the duties required ” . End of discussion
YWNBTA but to keep the peace just text her in a polite manner thanking her for the offer but stating that you cannot commit to the amount of responsibilities that come with being a bridesmaid and therefore will not be assuming the role however you will still be happy to attend as a plus one for your partner and you wish her success in her continued search for a replacement.
NTA and her friend’s illness is sad but that has nothing to do with you agreeing to be a just in case I need you stand in bridesmaid. Tell her you live too far away to be involved as a bridesmaid but look forward to watching her walk down the aisle as a guest.
What principle would that be? Either take one for the team and do it. Or don’t. But don’t make this about your feelings for her. Not an AH, but it’s pointless
NTA, it’s better to say no now than to accept and back out later.
Do it for the friend if need be, but keep your boundaries up.
INFO Are you sure you don’t resent your husband’s weak boundaries in his relationship with his sister?
You might not be the AH. However, this person is going to be in your life for a long time. You could do it just to keep the peace. You might become closer down the line. I had my SIL do a reading at my wedding even though I barely knew her because I knew we’d be “family” for a long time.
“ last Thursday, my boyfriend’s sister called him and asked him to ask me, if I could be a stand-in bridesmaid for her big day.”. The girl didn’t even call OP herself! 🤦♀️