Hi all,
So I’ve known my boyfriend for over a year and due to financial reasons, we moved in together 2-3 months ago. So far, it’s not terrible. We try to share the housework and he does a lot of the cooking since he’s way better in that area (he also has more time). However, I’ve noticed that he doesn’t handle conflict well. We have argued about 3 times since living together and its mainly just me letting him know (gently) that he’s hurt my feelings in some way. When I do let him know that he hurt my feelings, I always let him know I know it’s unintentional, I appreciate everything he has done for me, and I always ask first before we talk.
However, I have noticed that when I do bring up my hurt feelings, his immediate reaction comes off very defensive. He always asks if I’m sure he did what he did, he said what he said, why didn’t I say anything at the time, etc. it does make me uncomfortable because it feels like I need an air tight case to discuss why my feelings are hurt the way they are. He also brings up things I did that hurt his feelings which makes me feel guilty and detracts from my own feelings.
He doesn’t really apologize (after I answer all his questions he considers my answers and then will usually say something like my bad). Then he always tells me that he didn’t know and that he’s trying.
This very last argument I snapped and told him I didn’t want to have an airtight argument every time I tell him he hurt my feelings. He again told me that makes sense and he didn’t know (for what it’s worth, it’s his first serious live in relationship and this isn’t my first). But then he said he was hurt by what I said and (AGAIN) with that he’s trying. He also said my standards feel so “different” for a partner than my friends/family. We did eventually talk it through but the whole thing is still leaving a bitter taste in my mouth.
The thing is I’ve been doing my best, I know I’m not perfect, I can be sensitive, but I’m starting to get very resentful. I understand it’s his first live in relationship but it doesn’t feel like he’s acknowledging my feelings or actually “trying”. Every time, we have an issue it feels like the burden is on me to try and fix it then I’m the only one actually doing the inner work to get better. The resentment is building and I’m not sure what to do. I’m thinking perhaps the problem lies in my own communication skills. What can I do to fix this/help my boyfriend get better at handling conflict?
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>We have argued about 3 times since living together and its mainly just me letting him know (gently) that he’s hurt my feelings in some way.
In what way and to what degree does he hurt your feelings? Is there any sort of pattern to it?
Hey it’s me. I’m you, but 16 years in the future. I married the man and had 3 children with him. He’s great, but it’s only in the last 2 years that I’ve seen him make any material improvement to this particular issue.
The thing about a highly defensive human is that they have an outer shell that feedback doesn’t easily penetrate. And the harder you push on that shell (through explaining, through talking) the more the shell resists.
I found myself so frustrated with him to the point of completely detaching from him 3 years ago. Just giving up on him, essentially.
And guess what? It….worked.
Backing off, detaching, letting him know I didn’t find a behavior acceptable and that if he wants positive, intimate connection with me (any type of intimacy, I’m not just talking about sexual intimacy) then he has to meet my needs when I discuss my feelings. I found that being less “nice” about it and using fewer words and then backing off produced positive results in our marriage. I’m a habitual over explainer myself. My words, though kind, overwhelmed him when he was already in a state of feeling attacked. (By the way, just because he feels attacked that doesn’t mean you attacked him. It took my husband a long time to realize this and to recognize that his defensive responses were automatic and habitual. Not usually a proportionate response to a stimuli, aka words that I spoke to him.)
What I’ve learned about my husband is that he was raised in a certain way that traumatized him. He created this defensive behavior as a way of protecting himself. He carries it into our relationship today. When I tell him something hurt me, or that I didn’t like something he did and would prefer something different instead, he automatically goes into “defend and dismantle” mode. He asks questions. I answer. He asks more. I answer. Eventually he explains himself, justifies his decision making, etc. And then I get a reluctant, insincere sounding apology. “Sorry it made you feel bad.”
What he was doing was basically taking something he feels is a huge threat, and making it smaller. What he didn’t realize is that there was no threat. That, in a normal relationship, someone giving you feedback isn’t a massive threat that could mess up your life if you don’t quickly diffuse the bomb. That’s how he was raised. Negative feedback = danger, pain, humiliation, loss. And the more I “came at him” with my feedback by over explaining, being “nice”, etc, the more threatened he felt.
Does it make sense to me? Not at all.
But I’ve learned to accept that this was his childhood, and that if I love this man then I have to understand him.
Understanding him doesn’t mean allowing him to ignore my boundaries, though.
The problem is that you cannot treat an intimate partner this way and expect continued intimacy. That’s not how an intimate relationship works. If you cannot share your hurt feelings and achieve a resolution that makes you feel safe and loved, you will eventually shut down around him because he’s essentially communicated to you that he does not care, that he doesn’t think your feelings have any validity or reasonable basis, and that if you choose to be vulnerable with him you can expect to be attacked and humiliated through his questioning and dismantling and invalidating. And nobody enjoys that. Nobody. He’s defending himself from a perceived threat…not realizing that he’s become, to you, a very hurtful person.
Also as an aside: your standards can be whatever you want them to be. They’re your standards. You don’t have to justify them to anyone. And of course they’re different for a partner than for friends and family. That’s a patently ridiculous statement on his part. His aim, I’m sure, was to dismantle the basis of your standards for him by pointing out the lack of uniformity. Well, does he fuck his friends and family members? Does he split expenses with them? Does he plan his life with them? No? Okay then. Toss that argument out the window, it’s irrelevant and stupid.
Learn the word “boundary.” Here’s a good boundary: in order for me to enter and stay in an intimate relationship with a person, I must feel safe around and valued by that person. Sincere apologies that demonstrate that a person prioritizes my feelings make me feel safe and valued.
Do not stay if he cannot make progress here. If that shell is completely impenetrable your resentment will just grow. If there’s hope, then by all means try to understand him and grow with him.
In the mean time I really recommend that you begin to back off rather than come closer when he puts up his defenses. Don’t blow up or get mad, just remember your boundaries. You said a good one: I don’t want to need an airtight argument every time you approach him. I’ve said the same thing to my husband and now I adopt a different metaphor: being put on the stand. I don’t want to be put on the stand and interrogated like the enemy. These days when my husband attempts to put me on the stand, I tell him “I feel like you’re interrogating me in bad faith right now. Do you think I would lie to you?” if it won’t stop, I tell him I think we need to cool off. This really confuses him when he thinks he is being the “calm logical one” and insists he’s not being emotional (he is, being defensive is being emotionally motivated in a discussion).
Something that goes a long way with my husband, is my recent attempts at a more stoic presence during arguments. Especially the early stage of an argument, aka the “let’s figure out exactly what happened” stage where we might be bickering over details. If I find myself becoming emotional, I take a deep breath and tell him I’m not able to continue without getting upset so I think we need to take a break. For the first half of our marriage, I didn’t do this. I felt like my husband was constantly invalidating me, so why should I have to hide my emotions from him? That’s what he wants, he wants to ignore my emotions! If I walk away every time I’m emotional, then I’ll DEFINITELY never get the emotional connection I’m starved for! But actually it was the opposite. My husband felt threatened by my emotions, the more I tried to communicate them, the more he ran away and defended and deflected. When I began to pull back? That’s when he felt less threatened and more curious and open minded. That’s when I got that emotional connection I wanted from him. He’d take me off the stand and stop questioning me like a vicious lawyer, and start asking softer questions and being accepting of my answers rather than nitpicking them and poking holes.
Ahhh anyway this is a novel. Congrats if you made it this far. Good luck. Make sure this man is worth it before you go to the trouble. Not every man is, but I think my husband is and he has come a long way (we both have).
It sounds like you’re carrying a lot of emotional weight here, and it’s understandable that you’d feel frustrated when your feelings aren’t being met with the recognition they deserve… maybe even how he processes emotions in those moments? How might setting clearer expectations help bridge that gap?