This has been an exhausting week for myself, my wife (30F), and our close group of friends that have been dealing with this directly (all males, between 30-34). I’m going to try my best to be as succinct/direct as possible with what’s going on.
1) One of my closest friends, “Joe” (31M) and his wife “Jane” (35F) have been together for nearly 10 years and married for less than 1 year. They have 4 kids (8F, 6F, 2M twins) together.
2) We have a group of guy friends that have been friends for a very long time, nearly 15 years. Jane was our mentor at one point early in our relationship, and we all became close friends over time (with friendship lengths varying between 12-14 years). 4 of us are actually godfathers to the 4 kids, with myself being the godfather to the oldest daughter.
3) Joe had an affair from Apr-Jul 2025 (felt very unfulfilled at home, felt like Jane wasn’t paying attention to him, the usual bullshit). Our group of friends confronted him and forced him to confess to us (he had already been caught by Jane before this). We were extremely angry.
4) Jane wanted to reconcile. We were all iffy about it but it was her choice, so we told both Joe and Jane that we would support them. All’s good, I guess? They’re working at it and going to individual therapy and couples’ therapy.
5) Joe has been diagnosed with Intermittent Explosive Disorder for several years (can’t pinpoint exact year). He has episodes of explosive anger where he will punch a wall, a punching bag, or just leave so he dosen’t hurt his wife or kids.
6) Despite their efforts to reconcile, Jul-Aug was been very rocky for Joe and Jane and it culminated in an alleged altercation last week where, during an IED episode, Joe punched Jane in the face. Joe has not been forthright with our group about this. We heard this all through Jane’s best friend “Becky” (34F), who told one of the members of our group because she needed help. So we do not have direct evidence of this.
7) Becky alleges that Jane has been covering up her bruises with makeup. Jane will not be direct about what happened, only indicating that “she has things under control” and significantly downplaying the alleged events to Becky and us.
8) Our friend group has been on several hours-long phone calls over the past week discussing the issue and what to do next. Joe has said he would send us a long message with an update but hasn’t yet. We are concerned about the kids but are stuck because Joe/Jane aren’t taking any action to protect them, and although we acknowledge Joe hasn’t been in his right mind for a while, it doesn’t take away from the fact that he has abused his wife and is a danger to her and their kids.
9) Becky has ceased contact with her main contact in our friend group. He has tried to reach out multiple times but has gotten no response. We think that Jane has asked her to stop talking to us.
10) Although we are 99.9% sure everything has transpired as it was alleged, we still don’t know for sure as we have no hard evidence or primary testimony. So we are struggling with what to do or how to move forward. I want to call the police but have very real fears about Joe attempting suicide by cop (he has had multiple suicidal ideations/attempts in the past). I am sad to say that I would not put it past him to attempt this (in front of his kids no less) if this were to happen.
TL;DR – One of my closest friends has allegedly beat his wife, but our friend group does not know what to do next. Never in our lives did we imagine that we would be dealing with this situation, much less having one of our closest friends being the perpetrator. Do we confront Joe and/or Jane intervention-style? Do we call the police/DCFS? Do we wait for Joe to reach out to us? Do we push for more specialized therapy that the family cannot afford?
Any unbiased third-party opinions would be great, as I have been deep in the shitshow of this family ever since the affair, and I think I’m experiencing severe decision paralysis. The affair was one thing, but this is a whole new level that none of us are qualified to deal with.
ETA – As far as we know, Joe does not know that we know about the alleged altercation. Jane also does not know for sure; she has only been communicating with one of the members of our group, and that member has not yet indicated to her that he told us. The rest of us have not reached out to her directly yet.
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I can only say what I would do – Joe would no longer be my friend. As for the rest of it, that is a very tough call. Jane needs as much support from friends as she can get, but if she continues to deny it I’m not sure what you can do.
In terms of his IED, has be been working with a therapist/counselor, and if they recommended it, taking meds? If he has not, he does not deserve to be with his family, and police might need to intervene. With not being 100% sure that this occurred, is there another friend of hers that one of your friends can reach out to for verification?
The thing that would 100% want me to get the police/DCFS involved is that you fear that he would try suicide by cop and is a danger to his children. For some individuals who take this route, they will take out their family before they take their own life. Also, if he makes a comment about taking his life or somebody else’s, if you are in the US, you can get him admitted to a psych ward for 72 hours, where they can evaluate him. If you decide to confront them, I would only confront her, since it could set him off and lead to the behavior that you fear.
I am so sorry that you and your friends are going through this, and hope that you can find the path that is best for her and their children.
I unfortunately have had friends that had abused their spouses. There was nothing I could do about it, so I did the only thing I could do. I dropped them as a friend. No conversations. No group discussions. Done.