My partner (M41) and I (F40) have been together for 2 years. We live together and have talked seriously about having a child. He has a 3-year-old daughter from his previous marriage, but I don’t have any children of my own.
I’ve always wanted kids, but I’ve struggled with infertility my whole life. Recently, after 20+ years of problems, I was officially diagnosed with endometriosis. I also found out that one ovary doesn’t work at all and the other has very few eggs left. It’s been a lot to process.
Last night we were talking about options, and surrogacy came up. Out of nowhere, he suggested his first wife could be our surrogate because she “owes him a life debt.” At first, I laughed because he and his (more recent) ex-wife don’t get along at all. But then he clarified: he wasn’t talking about his second wife (his daughter’s mom). He married someone when he was 19.
Apparently, he had a college friend from Nigeria whose visa was about to expire, and they got married so she could stay. He said it was just a business arrangement. He also mentioned that he did it because he wanted to do something nice for someone. They never lived together or slept together. Honestly, that part doesn’t bother me.
What does bother me is that when I asked him at the very beginning of our relationship how many times he had been married, he said once. We’ve been together for two years, live together, and share so many personal details. I was shocked to find out like this.
When I said I wasn’t sure how I felt about his ex-wife (transactional or not) carrying our baby, he got upset. He told me I should be grateful he’s even offering and accused me of being ungrateful for not “taking advantage of this nice thing.” I tried to explain that I’m not the bad guy here, and just need to process the fact that he lied about his marriage history, and that I don’t feel comfortable with this idea.
So… AITA for being upset he lied about being married twice and for not wanting his first ex-wife to be our surrogate?
Comments
NTA
That’s a pretty crazy thing to just drop out of nowhere after 2 years.
NTAH – I’m kinda bewildered why he is upset. If him being married twice before wasn’t such a big deal, then why not mention is sooner?
NTA. It sounds like your spouse is … um … a handful. Remind him that this is your life, not g’damn sitcom, and you won’t be having any children with his ex. And, no, it’s not a nice thing. NTA.
Why are you upset about not knowing about the previous marriage but not about him offering to use said marriage as a means of pressuring his “ex” to be a surrogate for the two of you?
He lied about being married only once before, but you believe his first marriage was celibate? Bells are ringing out a warning. You need time alone to clarify your thoughts. You’ve had a lot of disappointment and need time to process. I question how much you can trust this guy and having a child with him sounds disordered.
Definitely NTA. Your feelings are absolutely valid. In some way I can understand he’s not ‘counting’ the first marriage but if someone asks you, this should’ve come up. Additionally, you’re absolutely allowed to be uncomfortable with anyone he would suggest for a surrogate – of course, it’s a big thing to ask of someone and you should be grateful to whoever you choose to make this arrangement with but: you choose. The fact he got mad about you feeling uncomfortable and upset makes absolutely no sense.
HE’s offering up his FIRST wife that he didn’t tell you about
who he never actually fucked while they were married but he’s sure she’ll just get pregnant and pop out a kid to give him?
She’s so inconsequential that he knows where she is now and that she will do this for him?
uh huh.
I think you got yourself one of those habitual and pathological liars.
And of course you are wrong to be upset….
She owes him a life debt.
I’d not be able to trust this guy ever again.
The lies are always covering some deep bullshit.
NTA
NTA.
he lied to you and now wants to pressure (or rather force) someone else to carry a child for 9 months, with all the ups and downs and risks of a pregnancy, because “he wanted to do something nice for once” decades ago, if you are on board. That makes him TA and a very questionable person in general.
I didn’t even need to read past the title. It’s a preposterous suggestion. His behavior has been horrible and he is turning it around to look like you are in the wrong here. You don’t have to be grateful that an ex you didn’t know about offered to be a surrogate.
You’re supposed to be “grateful” that he has offered up the uterus and a year of life of a woman he didnt tell you about because she “owes” him for something he did to be “nice” 20 years ago? There’s a lot of problems here that he didn’t mention his “transactional” marriage is just one of many. I’d be really disgusted by how he talked about this woman and what he expected of her so flippantly.
I’d be upset he didn’t tell me he was married twice, but not as upset as him trying to use the circumstances of his first marriage as leverage to carry a baby. NTA.
Since your other post got locked, I’m posting here as well. NTA. Honestly, him turning your apprehension around on you, while dropping this bomb, and making it sound like this is something to be gracious for.
Also the fact that he thinks this woman, that you didn’t know about in the first place, owes her body and mental health (among others that comes from pregnancy).
Why was she the first person he thought of in the first place? They got married 20+ years ago. I assume they got divorced soon after (maybe)? When did they get divorced? Have they been in touch over the 2 decades?
Also, when did he divorce his second wife? You guys got together when his daughter was 1. Whats the story here. A lot of divorces take a long time to be done. I don’t know how I feel about you either.
I wouldn’t be with this man let alone have a child with him. He’s toxic and gross.
I’m sorry you have fertility problems, truly. However, is this someone you actually want to have be your child’s father? How is he with his 3 year old?
YTA. Why are you with this lying liar who lies?
He thinks he can use someone’s body as an incubator and you’re upset he lied about a marriage??? What the helly
I shudder to think the other ways he must be gaslighting you to make you think this is even a question.
What else has he not told you OP? Honestly I’d be questioning this whole relationship with the attitude about women that he has.
I think this relationship is over
You should be “grateful he is even offering.” Did he get the uterus in the divorce? I don’t get how he thinks he can offer you the use of someone else’s time, health and body.
That s a huge red flag…what other things is he hiding from you? I would seriously reconsider.
Kinda gross that he just assumes he can make this woman a host for your kid because he did her a favor in the past.
That plus the obvious lying and his reaction would make me very cautious
NTA. We can all see who the asshole is and I wouldn’t procreate with him. You might end up owing him a life of debt. Seriously, has he even talked to this woman? Or does he just think he can strong arm her into it because of this “debt”. BTW- she can’t owe him a life of debt if he just wanted to do something nice. That’s not how that works.
NTA. Yikes. How much of yourself and common sense are you going to give up to a dream that is very unlikely to ever happen?
He got all upset to distract you from his lie. How many other wife’s does he have? Sounds weird but got an uncle that had a few ex wives his family knew nothing about. He married for money or any other leg up he could get. Who knows how many kids he really has. Family including his mom and sisters don’t
NTA – he lied. But also he puts a life debt on someone and that’s ok? And he didn’t tell you about her but he knows where she lives now? They obviously keep in touch and you never knew of her. How many other deceitful things has he hidden from you?
And don’t forget if he does something nice for you you’ll owe him a life debt. Don’t have a child with him. Go it alone.
Surrogacy is not a good idea. Like his ex, the woman are all under some pressure.
NTA but I think you want a baby so bad you’re letting stuff slide. This guy is weird.
NTA. You’re not just reacting to the surrogacy suggestion you’re responding to a breach of trust and a deeply personal situation that deserves empathy, not guilt-tripping. You asked your partner directly how many times he’d been married, and he said once. That’s not a forgotten detail, that’s a lie. Even if the first marriage was “just paperwork,” it was still a legal marriage, and omitting that is misleading. Surrogacy isn’t a casual favor someone “owes” it’s a massive emotional, physical, and legal commitment. Suggesting his ex-wife, whom you didn’t even know existed, as a surrogate is jarring and insensitive. On top of that, you’ve just been diagnosed with endometriosis and are facing infertility that’s already a lot to process. Being told to “just accept” a solution involving someone from his past, whom he lied about, adds emotional weight. His framing — that you should be grateful is manipulative and dismisses your valid concerns. You’re not rejecting help; you’re asking for respect, clarity, and time to process. You’re not the bad guy for needing emotional safety around something as intimate as surrogacy. If anything, he needs to reflect on why he withheld information and why he’s pushing a solution that clearly makes you uncomfortable.
This is whacky! Why would he EVER think you would be ok with that after he lied about it? Let’s not get it convoluted ! He may not be the right choice?
Yeah, there are red flags popping up all over the place here. I’d cut my losses and flee. You are def NTA
NTAH This guy is a ‘partner’ not a ‘spouse’ as in you’re not married, right?
Seems to me like he’s causing some serious trust issues, and I’m not sure I would want to stay in a relationship with somebody like that, let alone raise a child together.
The question in the back of my mind would always be., “What ELSE is he hiding? Debt? Another spouse somewhere?”
The possibilities are endless….
Nta. Listen, I was divorce once and I’m remarried.
When dating my husband, I had a choice of him and another gentleman. He had been married twice and I would be his third wife.
I didn’t like this. He wasn’t any good at being married.
Ok, there’s always exceptions.
Girl, do yourself a favor. Divorce him.
I’m not happy about what he said to you.
YOU should be grateful to him? For lying your whole relationship?
Your “partner” just admitted to immigration fraud.