I (28M) have known my wife, let’s call her Avery, since grade 6. We were best friends in high school, though we were both in relationships at the time — she was dating her ex, let’s call him Liam, and I was dating someone else. Timing was never right for us, even though we both had feelings for each other.
In 2015, my relationship ended, shortly before Avery ended things with Liam. Around that time, Liam and I were still friends and hung out.
In September 2016, Avery and I started dating. Liam was very attached to Avery and would talk to her frequently, so over time we eased the distance with him (the intention wasn’t to cut him off completely, just set boundaries). Eventually, he disappeared — no social media, no phone number, so we didn’t hear from him for years. Liam has two kids from a previous abusive relationship, and he’s recently started reconnecting with people he knew, including Avery and I.
Here’s where things get tricky: Avery has been talking to Liam frequently, giving him bracelets, and even drawing with him through an app. I trust her. Avery is a kind and genuine person — she always wants to help people. My issue isn’t jealousy (I don’t think), it’s that it blurs a line for me and leaves me feeling uneasy. Yesterday, I got quiet because I needed time to process whether my feelings were fair or if I was overreacting, which caused some tension between Avery and I.
On one hand, I see that Liam has been through a lot and needs support, and I don’t want to stop Avery from being kind or helping him. On the other hand, he’s her ex, which makes the line feel blurry. My unease comes from trying to understand my own boundaries, not from mistrust.
I told Avery I need time to process my feelings, but I don’t want her to stop supporting Liam while I do. I’m just trying to sort through my emotions and communicate them without creating conflict.
So, AITA for feeling uneasy, or is it justified? Any advice on how I should approach this?
Comments
>My issue isn’t jealousy (I don’t think), it’s that it blurs a line for me and leaves me feeling uneasy.
If it’s not jealousy then what’s making you feeling uneasy?
Their relationship ended 10 years ago. I don’t think you have to worry about them rekindling
Reread what you wrote through someone else’s eyes, what would you tell them?
NTAH.
Plenty of partners dont want their current partners reconnecting with their exes. It could be insecurity but it could also be that they just dont trust the ex. Maybe the ex wants them back and tries to use the former connection to make the partner jealous. Some people will say just trust the partner in situations like that but at the end of the day, we’re all humans. That’s like saying all gamblers have to do is not gamble. Not everyone has the same level of willpower, so its just best to avoid situations like that all together.
Control the situations you can control and accept what you cannot. Dont throw yourself into avoidable situations and act like you had no control in the outcome when you had full control engaging in the situation to begin with.
What was her response to telling her this? Was she sympathetic and offered to cut back some of her time with him or was she defensive and lashed out at you? Her response would be a bit more telling of how she feels as well..
What happened yesterday? Why did you need time to process your feelings?
Updateme
are you kidding? She’s inviting a significant partner into her life. Nothing good comes from this. The communication path is simple: “Cut him off now, today, in front of me. It makes me uncomfortable and is a hard line”. From there only one of two things happen. If she respects and values your relationship above all else, as she should, she cuts him off. No text, no drawing, no social media. Or you walk.
The 3rd option is this festers and creates problems that become unrecoverable.
Updateme
NTA. Getting quiet to process your feelings is not something that should cause tension. You need to discuss with her how uncomfortable you are with this situation. He is her ex. He can lean on other friends, but is choosing to lean on her. I feel like his intentions are not good. Your partner should understand why you are uncomfortable because it is inappropriate to have a relationship with your ex and is disrespectful to her partner. How would she like it if you reconnected with your ex? I don’t think she would like it.
It’s not unreasonable to feel as you do. Why all of a sudden has he come out of the woodwork? You can trust your wife and still have boundaries. Like when you and Avery are spending time trogether, she can’t be talking to Liam something like that. I also think you would be justified in saying that the whole situation makes you uncomfortable. After all, more than just a couple of cheating stories start with EX coming back into their life…
Liam surely has more people in his life to support him than just Avery. It’s been how many years since he disappeared and then popped back up? Long enough to build other relationships, clearly, since he has a couple of kids, right?
And Avery giving him bracelets? Huh? Is she 12? Just home from summer camp? Bracelets?
NTA. I think you’re completely justified in feeling uneasy. Be open and honest with your wife. The original boundaries you had need to remain. She can still help him as a friend but things like bracelets and drawing together feel like they are getting more intimate (still friends but closer a d closer). That would bother me. I also think if you were connecting this way with a former lover your wife would be uneasy. Not necessarily jealous but exactly what you’re feeling. You are justified and your wife needs to relieve those feelings as your partner and put you first. Not him.
Avery sounds incredibly naive at best. You said Liam had feelings and was clinging to her post break up which led to a need to ease into distance with him.
Honestly this does not seem random at all. Liam likely still has feeling for your wife and every little thing she does to encourage him can be seen by him as much more than what she intends.
You need to have a frank conversation with her. Her reaction will tell you a lot. NTA and good luck.
NTA.
Your feelings are valid but from the surface details we know I don’t think there is a danger.
Personally, my gf is still in contact with an ex and I know it’s platonic and there is no issue there. She knows my boundaries and where a line would be crossed. She’s, as far as I can tell, not the type to have any weird “but” things that would cross my deal breaker stuff.
You’re going to feel uneasy and communication with her will help a lot in this.
Maybe you feel a little left out? Maybe since Liam was previously a friend you can also rekindle to help him 1 on 1?
NTA. You’re allowed to say no if this makes you uncomfortable or even jealous. There is no reason to risk your relationship for someone else. Men need to be more open with saying when actions cause them to have these feelings. Trying to keep the peace is not always the best response
Ask her what she would think if the situation was turned around. a spouse
should be number 1 and nothing else,
you been relegated to side husband.
NTA
This is a very delicate situation. It has the possibility of going either way. I would watch everything very carefully.
There are 8 billion other people for Liam to get support through.
Do not overreact as that could push her to him. The best thing you could do is help Liam find a partner if he doesn’t already have one. That could provide some insulation.
This has the pitfalls of “Can men and women just be friends?”
Maintain boundaries and make sure there are hobbies that you and Avery enjoy as well. Perhaps jion in with what they are doing too. Keep your enemies (friends) close but your friends (wife) closer.
Stay vigilant and keep communicating with her. In the end, recognize that like poker, you can do everything right and still lose. This is really just up to the integrity of your wife. Hopefully, she has impeccable character.
Tread lightly.
NAH. Reddit will tell you that partners only talk to exes because they want to cheat and that’s just full on bullshit. After my wife and I opened our relationship, she started talking to her ex. When she went back home, she even hung out with him. Despite the fact that she was allowed to, she never tried to have sex with him.
They’re old friends who never officially ended their friendship, so it makes sense that they want to reconnect. If you trust your partner, then that means trusting them to keep this friendship platonic. It’s 100% fine to feel insecure about this but feeling insecure and acting insecure are two different things. Communicating your insecurity is fine and keeps the two of you on the same page. Controlling who she’s friends with, however, will breed resentment.
NAH
It sounds like she is just trying to be supportive of an old friend. Reading your post about the history of you three, it sounded like after you both started dating, you both remained at least distant friends with him? Regardless, it just seems that your wife is just trying to be there for someone who is coming out the other side of years of trauma.
In your shoes, I think I would also feel a little uneasy with how much they are communicating, given they are also ex’s. Taking time to yourself to sort out your thoughts and feelings is a good thing. I think, though, that you should be talking to your wife. Getting quiet and not communicating, has probably made her thoughts jump to conclusions, causing tension.
Tell her that you’re happy Liam has escaped his abuse, that you love how caring and supportive she is, but that you feel a little uneasy about the amount of time they are spending together. You understand what she’s trying to do, but there’s a blurred line between the past and present that’s making you wonder if at least Liam may still harbor feelings for her.
Reddit is filled with horror stories of cheating and deceit. It happens. But you can’t continue to focus on the “what ifs” because that WILL ruin your marriage. Just communicate. Maybe you both can come to an understanding of each persons thoughts and feelings, as well as a way to compromise on the amount of time is spent with Liam. Maybe you can also join in and re-establish your friendship with him.
If your wife is such a great person, why on earth your processing your feelings lead to tension?
i wanna say you are jealous, and there’s nothing wrong with that. you have the right to be, to me this is very inappropriate. yall are adults, though she is a genuine person, she knows on a certain level that this isn’t okay. you’re being too nice honestly, i wouldn’t say she’s going to cheat, but she’s pushing the boundaries and liam will happily let her.
Wha boundaries are set up around their friendship? How often do they talk and spend time together? Some couples have no contact with exes while others remain good, close friends. It’s whatever works for the both of you. My guess is that they are talking often and possibly on an intimate, deep level. Why not set up boundaries around how often(sporadic and occasional not every day or back and forth for hours at a time) and maybe put boundaries around how deep or personal the content can be?
I do not see the “complication” at all. Why are they reconnecting? It isn’t to benefit you.
Does anyone see a spine or backbone laying around? The Op is in desperate need.
NTA. Shes having an emotional affair. What’s next?
Id be getting ready for a divorce tbh… or looking up the top rated marriage counselors in my area lol
NAH for feeling uneasy, YAH for trying to be Mr. Super Supportive Husband while your wife is slowly slipping into an emotional affair with an ex-boyfriend.
This will eventually grow in the dark and it will not be a good thing, but you can say you were a new age man and supporting your wife.
>On one hand, I see that Liam has been through a lot and needs support, and I don’t want to stop Avery from being kind or helping him. On the other hand, he’s her ex, which makes the line feel blurry. My unease comes from trying to understand my own boundaries, not from mistrust.
It doesn’t sound like you’re trying to understand your boundaries, as much as it is you trying to justify ignoring them to be a “good 2020’s guy”.
If poor, sad little Liam needs a friend to hold his hand for him, you do it OP.
You are looking the other way while your “kind, genuine, always wants to help people” wife goes on this exciting, emotionally charged journey of healing and new beginnings with her ex-boyfriend. A person her body remembers from a glorious time of genuine innocence and experimentation that no boring married life can compete with. This is a recipe for disaster and the stupidity levels of everyone involved are off the charts.
Just fast-forward to Liam bedding your wife while she tells you it’s all your fault for not understanding her the way Liam does.
same way you got her is the same way you lose her, I cant believe people wanna play with P that their buddies penis was in, it’s barbaric to me.
So let’s get some work done then OP. What are your feelings? SAY THEM OUT LOUD. I’ll help out : at least one is JEALOUSY. Yes, it is. And guess what IT’S OK. Being overly jealous and controlling is a whole other thing. Just like helping out a stranger or a freind vs helping out an EX are different. And your SO should take that into consideration. From your description of her she’s not ill intentioned and no one says she is doing this to cross any lines, but you know what they say about the road to hell.. we’re not afraid of a rekindling of the past relationship we simply worried about an OOPS SORRY WON’T HAPPEN AGAIN situation.
My wife and I agree that there is no privacy nor personal life in marriage. We are committed to each other completely and forever.
May sound silly, but when she says it it’s very romantic.
You are under reacting.
Big time.
This is a reasonable boundary to lay out that you don’t want her seeing the ex. If he’s had a rough time, he has other people in his life for support. It doesn’t have to be your ex giving it.
I’m sorry but giving him bracelets? That’s not what right.
Stop being a pushover.
NTA. So, Liam is using your wife as an emotional crutch for his issues. This is not a good thing, Liam needs to find his own partner, and not be borrowing yours for emotional support. This is where the lines get blurred, and maybe he’s even trying to rekindle their past relationship. This is really how affairs start, with the gentle emotional support that grows over time. Your wife may be naïve and think he’s just a friend, but he’s probably got other plans.
NTA. Your are not wrong for feeling uneasy you’re human, and you’re navigating a situation that touches on trust, emotional boundaries, and past relationships. That’s not jealousy, that’s self-awareness. You’ve made it clear that you trust Avery and that your discomfort isn’t about control it’s about clarity. Reconnecting with an ex, especially one who was emotionally attached and had trouble letting go, naturally stirs up complex feelings. Add in the fact that she’s now engaging with him frequently, exchanging gifts, and sharing creative time it’s understandable that you’re asking yourself, where’s the line between kindness and emotional intimacy? What makes your response mature is that you didn’t lash out or demand she stop. You paused, reflected, and communicated that you need time to process. That’s not being “too sensitive” that’s being emotionally responsible Avery may genuinely want to help Liam, and that’s admirable. But your feelings matter too. Emotional safety in a relationship isn’t just about trust it’s about feeling seen and heard when something doesn’t sit right. You’re not asking her to cut him off. You’re asking for space to understand your own boundaries, and that’s a healthy thing to do. If you want to approach this constructively, consider saying something like:
“I know your intentions are good, and I trust you. I just need to talk through what this dynamic brings up for me so I can understand it better. I’m not asking you to change anything right now — I just want us to be on the same page emotionally.”
You’re not the AH. You’re someone trying to protect the relationship by being honest and thoughtful. That’s something to be proud of.
NTAH. A very tricky situation. He is her ex so there is always a chance they could eventually develop feelings if they keep communicating and she is “supporting” him emotionally.
You need to communicate with your wife and explain what you feel are risks, and ensure any further support is with your involvement, no one on one texts calls or meetings
There was no communication for a number of years so he must have other friends who can provide a shoulder to lean on while he struggles thru his divorce
NTA. Your wife is disrespectful and trashy.
NTA. If your wife knows you are feeling uneasy and uncomfortable about reconnecting with her Ex, she should have no issue limiting contact. That’s what a respectable partner should do. Any other response is a red flag. Just communicate your feelings and don’t let her gaslight you.
Would she like you doing the same with an ex of yours!?
You’re feeling uneasy about this because deep down you feel like Liam is doing exactly what you did. Which is pretend to be his friend while waiting for the break up so he can make a move like you did
You need to remind her she’s your wife not his, and your comfort comes before his. Just like if she said she were uncomfortable about someone you were hanging out with would come before that other person!
>it’s that it blurs a line for me and leaves me feeling uneasy.
Why do you think this is? You said yourself that initially you all 3 remained friends even after you started dating Avery, and had no intention of cutting him off if he hadn’t just disappeared. So why does their renewed friendship make you uneasy? What line does it blur?
Updateme!
The giving bracelets thing needs some explanation.
“A mutual friend and ex-boyfriend of my wife who we had to cut off because he has problems letting go of their relationship has re-entered our lives and is in frequent contact with my wife, who isn’t turning away the contact.”
That really says it all. Everything else is window dressing.
NTA. If the roles were reversed and you were reconnecting with an ex in the same manner would you feel it wrong if Avery expressed she had a problem with the interaction? No, you would take her feelings seriously because she is your spouse and your priority. Liam hasn’t been in her life for years he doesn’t need to lean on an ex for emotional support that’s suspicious behavior on his part. If he’s that messed up he needs a therapist and not a former girlfriend that’s married, that’s messy and inviting an emotional affair as they reconnect to help him through his problems. Stand up for yourself and your family.