My husband and I met at 18 when we were just kids the summer before college. We were from different towns and had both been in prior relationships. We hit it off the moment we met and have basically been inseparable since. We have been together for 11 years now.
About a year in, we were just finishing our freshman year in college (long distance) and long story short – shit hit the fan. An unsaved number texts him when we were together and asks if he is in town. I start digging and I find out that in the first year, he had seen an ex 5-6 times. This was a girl he dated before we met who wanted to be with him, but he didn’t see a future with her and only saw her when he wanted to hook up. He did this off and on with her the year before we ever met, and then at the one year mark I found out that in the first 6-9 months of us being together, he saw her a handful of times and then stopped (she told me they stopped). I talked to the girl and she admitted to reaching out to him and that she liked him a lot so she would ask to see him and that eventually they stopped. One time she even showed up unprompted and knocked on his window late at night. Before I met him, I was in a 5 year relationship and still not fully over my ex emotionally and still reached out to him sometimes in that first few months. Even seeing him once. So I looked at this as “we both still talked to our exes for the first year”.
Anyways, 18 year old me chose to stay. My (now) husband went to therapy and still goes. We moved to the same town and built a life together. We are best friends. He is a typical “golden retriever husband” and seemingly really really loves me. The problem is – we are thinking of having our first kid soon as we are approaching 30 and I’ve been constantly thinking of this that happened 10 years ago. I’m so mad about it you would think it happened yesterday. I ask myself why I stayed. I feel like I disrespected myself. But then I look at who he is today and it’s different. He’s not the 18 year old boy anymore. But I still can’t get it out of my head. The thought of leaving now feels just as bad since he is a good man now and there aren’t a ton of good men out there. Like I said – he’s my best friend. But then I feel like a fool. I want to have a family and he would be a great dad but idk if my brain can handle this stress. He says he was immature and just a horny 18 year old kid and that it would never happen again and I believe that but I feel so disrespected.
Anyone else ever been in a similar situation?
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If you’ve been staying with him all this time with it still on your mind, then its clear you need therapy too. Just because you didn’t do anything bad doesn’t mean you aren’t punishing yourself in some other way. Maybe you have self-worth issues and are trying to use the relationship to cover up for it or maybe part of you feels you dont deserve better so you stay. Therapy can help you figure out what’s going on and how you really want to move forward.
Are you expecting him to change his behavior? If so, don’t.
After building a loving, happy life together for the past ten years, you are willing to throw it away over something that happened when the two of you were, in your words, horny 18 year olds? Doesn’t time and the connection the two of you built outweigh anything that happened back then? If the two of you have remained faithful throughout your marriage, I think looking back on this and being upset about it is really about something else going on with you and not about him.
Fixate on this and ruin your marriage – so be careful.
I tend to judge teenagers differently than adults because, well, you were still kids who do stupid kids things.
Has he given you reason to suspect anything uncouth in the last nine years? I find a person as a teenager is much different than who they are as an adult, so unless he has given you reason since not to believe he is a great and loyal partner, you have to find a way to let this go.
What is a golden retriever husband lol
Sounds like you need some therapy to to get over this finally. If you leave now you just wasted 10 years of your life and his.
I think you guys need to get into couple’s counseling. These feelings aren’t going to go away, BUT you chose to forgive him and stay with him, so I can’t see just throwing it all away, unless you’re sure. Get into counseling and work through it.
Girl, I suggest you get counceling. I’ve had issues in my relationship that happened many years ago and I got triggered years later, feeling like it happened yesterday.
Counceling has helped me immensely (it will take effort and time but it helped me).
It seems as if you both did cheat. Are you sure it’s only the cheating that bothers you. If he’s a loving husband now and you love him let the past go. It’s unhealthy to worry and stress. You need to think more positive about your relationship. If you bring up the past it may trigger your husband’s desire to cheat. I know this will help.
so you also seeing your ex doesn’t count either?
something something mental gymnastics
you need to get help for your insecurities. they are valid, yes. but they are also intrusive and destructive
only you can decide if it’s worth throwing away 10 years of your lives for something you’ve also done, but for some reason, hold his against him. it’s a double standard from my pov
You have to make it right within yourself, to why you stayed. He knows why he cheated and hurt you. you need couples therapy to come to terms with why you stayed back then, discuss why it still hurts that you’re looking back at it with different lens. He needs to know just because you forgave then, doesn’t just make that hurt disappear.
Forgive yourself for being young, naive and putting the fantasy of “happily ever after” before self respect. Only you can decide if you feel that you’re still doing this by staying.
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You might what to talk to a professional about this! It is more than 10 years ago – it is time to let it go!!
You’re still judging him for a mistake he made while 19 years old
Hate to tell you this, but I feel like you need to get over it
Like others have said. You need the therapy. He was a kid. You were not married. It seems you keep laying a guilt trip on him. If I were him, I’d probably leave you
“just a horny kid” is a terrible excuse for willingly hooking up half -a-dozen times with the same person behind your back. Oh poor guy, his libido is so high it requires multiple women to satisfy his “needs” 🙄. I know it was a long time ago, and he obviously isn’t interested in anyone else anymore, so I’m not holding his past against him or implying that he would do the same things in the future… but each of those encounters was a choice, and he should never have been with someone else if he wasn’t ready to give her up yet. That was more than just “missing his ex” and “seeing her”. He was getting the best of both worlds at the cost of your forgiving nature.
Let it go. He’s been with you for 10 years.
This is now a you problem, not a him problem (unless he went to her recently)
OP, you sound like a lovely person. Therapy for you to clear this issue up would be something that you could do before you overthink and self-sabotage your happy relationship.
Neither of you are the same or think the same as when you were teens. Get it figured out why you have this insecurity and if it can be overcome. You both deserve every happiness, especially if there are children in the foreseeable future.