okay so I (21F) work at this small office job, it’s part time while I finish school. it’s super chill, no real dress code or whatever, just “business casual” but nobody actually follows that lol. most ppl wear jeans or leggings and like tshirts. I like to dress up a little more, like I do bold makeup (not crazy, just creative), fun hairstyles, vintage stuff, heels sometimes if I feel like it. it’s just my vibe, I’m into fashion, sue me.
anyway there’s this one woman who just started here, she’s older (idk like 30s? mid 30s maybe?) and since she came in she’s been kinda weird toward me. she makes passive comments like “oh wow you’re dressed up again” or “wish I had time to do all that.” like ok?? no one’s stopping you lol
so fast forward to last week, HR calls me in and says someone (they wouldn’t say who but I KNOW it’s her) complained that my “appearance is distracting” and “not in line with office norms.” but I asked like okay am I breaking the rules?? and they said no, they’re just “asking me to be more considerate” so that other ppl feel more comfortable.
ummm what?? like I’m not wearing anything inappropriate. I’m not showing cleavage or dressing sexy, it’s just stylish. sorry I don’t wanna look like I rolled out of bed in a beige potato sack lol. I literally just said no. if I’m not breaking rules why should I change?
anyway now she won’t talk to me and apparently she told someone else that I’m “attention-seeking” and “unprofessional” and I’m making the office feel “like a fashion show” 💀 like girl just say you’re insecure and move on??
some ppl at work are on my side and said it’s dumb but others are like “well maybe just dial it back a bit” but like… no? this is how I dress literally every day. why should I shrink myself bc someone else is uncomfortable with confidence? It kinda makes me uncomfortable in my own skin and at the same time mad…
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okay so I (21F) work at this small office job, it’s part time while I finish school. it’s super chill, no real dress code or whatever, just “business casual” but nobody actually follows that lol. most ppl wear jeans or leggings and like tshirts. I like to dress up a little more, like I do bold makeup (not crazy, just creative), fun hairstyles, vintage stuff, heels sometimes if I feel like it. it’s just my vibe, I’m into fashion, sue me.
anyway there’s this one woman who just started here, she’s older (idk like 30s? mid 30s maybe?) and since she came in she’s been kinda weird toward me. she makes passive comments like “oh wow you’re dressed up again” or “wish I had time to do all that.” like ok?? no one’s stopping you lol
so fast forward to last week, HR calls me in and says someone (they wouldn’t say who but I KNOW it’s her) complained that my “appearance is distracting” and “not in line with office norms.” but I asked like okay am I breaking the rules?? and they said no, they’re just “asking me to be more considerate” so that other ppl feel more comfortable.
ummm what?? like I’m not wearing anything inappropriate. I’m not showing cleavage or dressing sexy, it’s just stylish. sorry I don’t wanna look like I rolled out of bed in a beige potato sack lol. I literally just said no. if I’m not breaking rules why should I change?
anyway now she won’t talk to me and apparently she told someone else that I’m “attention-seeking” and “unprofessional” and I’m making the office feel “like a fashion show” 💀 like girl just say you’re insecure and move on??
some ppl at work are on my side and said it’s dumb but others are like “well maybe just dial it back a bit” but like… no? this is how I dress literally every day. why should I shrink myself bc someone else is uncomfortable with confidence? It kinda makes me uncomfortable in my own skin and at the same time mad…
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NTA, unless you’re doing this on purpose just to piss these people off which I don’t think is the case I’d say no. You can dress however you like within reason of course but since there isn’t a strict dress code and HR only complained about it once she said something. Meaning they didn’t see what would be the issue. This screams of jealousy from other side. Now if I were you I’d personally just listen to HR for convenience reasons but you are to do what is right for you so be comfortable all you like within reason
ESH, yes if you’re not breaking the rules it’s an ask to change but being defiant and obstinate makes you unnecessarily adversarial to hr (and colleagues) and the one more likely to be let go, over looked for opportunities, etc. why hamper your success for the sake of your “look”, particularly since you aren’t in fashion or pertinent industry.
Time for a report of your own. She’s creating a hostile environment and bad mouthing you to your colleagues.
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NTA, report her
NTA. Some people just feel very entitled to the way women dress for some reason. Remember in school when they used to tell us our shoulders were distracting? Unless you’re wearing something with literal bells and whistles, it’s only distracting her because she’s taking the time to care.
NTAH – HR said you are not breaking any rules so just continue dressing as you do at the moment.
You’re not breaking any rules and you’re just expressing yourself, bold outfits, makeup, whatever. The “distracting” thing? That’s on them, not you. People being insecure about their own choices shouldn’t dictate how you show up. Keep doing you, just don’t let passive-aggressive vibes make you feel bad
NTA I had something similar happen to me. People were gossiping about what I was wearing. My boss texted me and told me to be careful about what I wear. I texted her a picture and she says my outfit was cute. I guess more comments were made so I texted her photos again. This time she said my dresses were too short and that my dresses have to be below the knee now. And she told me I need to dress down and wear pants and sneakers though I later found out that sneakers are not allowed. I think people who complain about people’s outfits must have no lives!
Never, ever “tone down” your appearance because someone wants you to conform. You’re not being offensive in any way and fashion is a creative hobby for you. That’s good for your emotional and mental wellbeing.
Piece of advice, don’t lean in to the temptation to be petty or judgmental. However, you need to make your own HR report about your work environment becoming a bit hostile with this woman telling people your an attention seeker for having an appropriate dress style and being told what you can and cannot wear my a coworker.
It sounds like you’re dressing up beautifully! You go, girl!
Nta, story old as time, older women hating on younger women out of jelousy
Remember, it’s always better to overdress than to underdress. NTA.
NTA. How important is this job to you? HR is there to protect the company, not you, so just be mindful of that as you go forward.
If you want to be petty then sounds like this could be time for some malicious compliance… Think of something drab that technically fits the rules… Men’s coveralls? Paper bag? Scrubs? All black, every single day? Make your own uniform… Figure out a boring outfit (men’s khakis and polo?) and where it every single day.
NTA, and you make a report against her for hostile work environment.
I’d go back to HR and say, “I want to push back on this. Now **I** am uncomfortable here. I’m dressing appropriately, and if other people want to dress down, they’re allowed, and they shouldn’t be making it my problem. They need to have more confidence, and I think you shouldn’t have actually brought this to me as a complaint.”
Don’t dial it back.
I worked somewhere that a colleague dressed very uniquely, like it sounds you do. At first, we side-eyed her, but after we got to know her? I started to think it was kind of fun and something to look forward to seeing each day. After I got to know her a little, I found out that she was in school for fashion design, hence her dressing the way she did.
It never went as far as HR! She wasn’t doing anything wrong and neither are you. Shame on your co-worker to try and make an issue out of it with HR. I echo what others have said and I would file my own complaint–she is intentionally trying to make it hostile for you–and that far outweighs a unique fashion look, imho.
Welcome to the workforce chica, they will never stop telling you what to wear. Might as well keep this attitude since you conveniently already have it. F them. Complain about her complaints and keep on shining
NTA. How would she feel if she were told she was too dowdy and needed to dress up? If she doesn’t like it, she can look at and do her actual work. Her low self esteem and inability to focus are not on you. She’s responsible for her own feelings.
The fact that some people at work are on your side and some people think you should dial it back is probably a good way to read the room on it. It’s probably on the border and it might be worth getting more opinions from your co workers to see what they’re comfortable with.
NTA- as a fellow fashion girly, I feel this to my core. I don’t even dress crazy, but I am the only one who wears high heels and DRESSES. Luckily, I don’t get comments at the office (complements sometimes) but I have a very passive-aggressive person on the outskirts of my friend group who HAS TO say something anytime I walk in DRESSED. Her comments include: I didn’t know it was a fashion show, You are brave!, Wow look at that outfit, where do you buy this stuff?, etc. And I am not the type to ever think someone is jealous of me, but in this case… she is jealous. Your co worker is jealous.
The odd thing is, like you say, they CAN dress up and have fun- they just choose to wear their khakis and make snide comments. I applaud ANYONE who has a style and commits- even if its nothing I’d ever wear. So keep being you! Express yourself! Dress how you want! (as long as HR is cool with it) and never let anyones jealous comments determine what you put on in the morning.
NTA. Report her for creating a hostile work environment. You putting effort into your appearance is not a valid reason for HR to discuss this with you. I’d report that HR rep too. They have zero business talking to you about this when you have not broken any rules.
When I was a server, I once got a complaint about the amount of visible tattoos I had… Not that any of my tattoos were specifically offensive, just the sheer volume of visible tattoos I had was enough to offend someone…
Management made me cover ONE tattoo, because obviously I was at the threshold for offending strange old ladies. Both of my arms are sleeved. No neck, face or hand tats… I served for one year before getting fired for mouthing off…
A lot of these people are unfortunately wrong. You are NTA, does that mean that your company won’t fire you for being a distraction? Potentially no. You’re young and starting your career, my suggestion is not to make waves, and try to adjust your style so it’s more aligned with your colleagues.
Being right doesn’t save you from being let go, unfortunately.
Just Ignore it and move on. sounds like you are also engaging in the drama.
If you were in my office, we’d be cheering you on. The women in my office don’t always dress up – some days you have a big deadline looming and need to focus – but when someone does, people notice and compliment them!
As for your resident sourpuss, I am reminded of something my therapist used to say: “How sad for her.”
Even though this is fake, if it were real, I would say simply based on how you write you act like a child who still thinks they’re in high school or their sorority and has the faintest grasp on the real world or how to act and dress professionally. YTA
If you are not breaking any rules, then why are you needing to change? Make sure you email HR to do a recap of the conversation and make sure they email you back acknowledging they received your email and confirm how it went down so you have a record because you’re gonna need that in the immediate future. You just encountered the office hater. Someone who is not in touch with herself (probably because no one will touch her) and rather than minding her own business, she chose you as a target of her inadequacy. Keep your shine and your chin up. Fuck that chick.
That’s not a hostile work environment
The old “I’m uncomfortable” tactic. Not good enough, describe it better. And keep dressing how it suits you!!
NTA – I had a similar situation but kinda reversed… I didn’t wear make up or do my hair super fancy at one of my jobs. I worked at a drs office so as soon as I got off work i would get out of my scrubs and just shower and feel refreshed…. I always showed up In clean (unwrinkled) scrubs, no make up, hair slick back in a bun and no heavy perfumes or body sprays…. More natural look. Well I got called into my managers office one day and got casually asked if I was so pretty outside of work why I didn’t bring that look into my work hours. I was livid because I knew some girls from office had mentioned they saw me outside of work with my now husband and I had hair done and some make up. I hate wearing make up daily and I don’t like hair in my face… it’s just not me. I laughed it off and said something like….man wouldn’t that be something if it was a requirement to be pretty to work here then half our staff would be gone…. And walked away. Unless it’s a hygiene thing or an inappropriate attire people need to mind their own business.
NTA.. you do you.
“She’s older (idk, like 30’s)” 😂
If “older” is 30’s, F*ck, I’m ancient. 🤷🏻♂️
NTA….So you are supposed to stop dressing as you are so as not to make others uncomfortable? But, HR does not see the problem with this person coming in and targeting you right off the bat? Creating a hostile work environment for you? Making you uncomfortable in what was once a great work environment?
I would put this back on HR and ask for their stance in writing before you do anything. And ask them why you are the one that has to be the adult? Aren’t we all adults? Like, how does one adult get to have their way over how others dress?
I’m thinking Y might be TA. I’m picturing your ridiculous outfits and makeup and how off putting they might be to clients. You’re at work not a costume party.
NTA, but you shouldn’t expect people to take you seriously if you dress in a way that is outside the norm of one’s office in a non business professional manner. I see it’s part time, so maybe you don’t particularly care, but if you’re looking to work there in the long term, might be an issue.
Also, the coworker you mention may just be the most vocal, it wouldn’t be surprising if others felt similarly, but just didn’t really say anything beforehand. In my industry, people wouldn’t really say anything to someone dressing outside the norm, but they’d be subconsciously viewed as less serious.
As an older 30-something who works in tech and has to look “presentable”…as long as I’m dressed business casual, no one cares about my tattoos, piercings, and dyed hair.
Honestly, if anyone made a comment I’d simply respond with “how does this impact the quality of my work?”. This would shut down the conversation immediately, especially if you do well at your job.
NTA. Let her be jealous and boring.
NTA OP. Others are correct. Go to HR and report a hostile work environment. Actually. Email them requesting a meeting concerning a hostile work environment. No other details, just that. In the meeting report her bad mouthing you to coworkers etc. Ask for them to email you summary of the meeting when you are done. When you receive that, forward it to your personal email not connected to work. Then if they cut your hours, fire you, anything… Report them to Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC). Termination in retaliation. Hopefully it won’t get to that, but you shouldn’t just roll over and take this.
I just lost a job because of exactly this. I don’t know when wearing a tie to an office job became abnormal, but it has and I already regret not just fitting in with everyone there. Where I’ve landed is a lot worse.
She’s just started and is already starting trouble? Your style has never been a problem, but now it is just because she doesn’t like it? Like we say in my country, she’s just arrived and already wants the window seat? lol. lmao. Just no. Stand your ground!
TBH you sound like you have massive main character syndrome. NTA but it’s an office not a fashion show or your own personal domain. She wasn’t right, but neither are you. What you call confident hits me as distracting and an entitled attitude. I wouldn’t really want you in the office of either of the companies I run, based on what you wrote and how you express yourself. Maybe meeting you or seeing your work would change my mind, but your egocentrism strikes me as on par with her insecurity.
My spite button would be stuck. I would honestly go bigger.
In what world are leggings and jeans business casual?
For men, it’s usually no tie, maybe a polo shirt.
I think that HR probably had some prior concerns with your attire and waited for someone to bring it up. Naturally when we’re on the defense about something, we automatically think about who’s doing the reporting instead of what the actual issue is. If I were you, I’d at least take a look at how casual my appearance is and how often versus what everyone else’s appears to be and if you’re in line with the others, fine. If not…..
NTA in this scenario, but I can tell from the childish way you wrote this why you are not liked in a professional office environment.
Don’t dim your light for some beige fool
I do not think it is possible to make an opinion on this without knowing what you are wearing. Further, you do seem like you are stirring up drama by getting the other employees involved and choosing sides, so I would not be surprised if you get fired.
Well, the fact that HR called you in to talk to you, may indicate that maybe – just maybe, since we don’t know how you dress and you of course tell the story from your point of view – you are dressed in some kind of loud and pretentious way. When HR told you that you did nothing wrong they maybe had the idea that you could understand the situation and could change your way of dressing without denying who you are. If there is a chance to do that and keep your inner peace with the situation, this could make you the bigger person… 🤷♂️
NTA, you do you! I used to work at a law firm and had a really nice, expensive clothing then when I worked at an office with a more relaxed dress code, I still wore my regular clothes that I had from the firm. I’m not going to go out and buy new clothes or have them sit in a closet just because they are uncomfortable.
I would simply ignore it. You haven’t broken the dress code. They can’t give you a formal warning or fire you for wearing vintage clothes. If they try they’re opening themselves up to a lawsuit
Ridiculous!! Sounds like jealousy to me!
I once worked in a retail store. It was part-time. I was written up for being too nice to the customers. Apparently, customers appreciated my professionalism and would say I was way overqualified for the job. made my fellow employees feel bad. Smh. Sigh.
You do you. Unless your hair and makeup are styled for the runway, and not day to day. In which case, you might tone it down a bit. Otherwise, smile and be kind. People have their own problems, try not to absorb them.
Nta. But start making notes. If she’s rude,write it down unclude dates, times, and witnesses. If you hear her saying things to others, write that down too, including who was there and everything said. If HR calls you in again, ask them why they are harassing you and take your noyes with you.
That’s crazy.
My last manager (office job, government department) dressed in a similar way to hoe you describe your style. Gorgeous dresses, mostly Audrey Hepburn style. With very short, brightly coloured hair, fabulous make up and nails and awesome bags and shoes. She was in her fifties.
We all loved seeing what she was wearing.
NTA, she’s jealous of you. Don’t change who you are, it certainly doesn’t sound like you’re inappropriately dressed and I find it amazing that HR have even entertained this.
NTA. Your co-worker is toxic!!! I’m sorry you’re having to deal with that, but it seems like discrimination. You have a case for harassment. Are you in a union?
Real chic fashion sense is being an individual with style while also wearing the proper attire for the occasion. I think you might be TA here. There’s a way to be chic and professional.
There’s nothing illegal about the coworker being a dink.
A more professional response from you would be discussing with hr what appropriate attire would be with hr. Just because no one follows the dress code doesn’t mean they can’t or won’t leverage it to fire someone over it. Also if you want to keep working there starting a tit for tat will quickly become everyone’s problem.
I read what you wrote. Im skeptical there isn’t another side to this story. We had a front desk girl where I worked who argued she was just being stylish too but she wore short and tight clothes and revealing tops. You could see all her bits sometimes. It made the clients uncomfortable. And in the end that’s what mattered. She had to sacrifice what she viewed as style for our business purposes.
You said you don’t want to stans out but before then you said you have bold make-up. Aren’t those 2 statements mutually exclusive?
All that matters is if you can afford to lose this job, people get fired for going against the grain everyday.
NTA and I have mixed feelings about this situation. On the one hand, Koworker Karen is being petty and making the work environment miserable for no good reason, unless you’re wearing super tight or revealing clothing and evening makeup. On the other hand this is what people talk about when they discuss a company’s culture.
I would have one last friendly and professional conversation with the HR rep and ask her what specific aspects of your dress is problematic so you can make the right changes. I would say something like “I will be happy to tone down my wardrobe a little to match the office vibe, while still maintaining my professionalism.”
Or if you want this in writing you could email it to HR, opening “I am following up our conversation of DATE to reassure you of my commitment to X Co …”
Sometimes offices have a definite culture, and a little compromise to fit in goes a long way towards success there. It doesn’t mean you compromised your values; you are just recognizing that collectively this group has found a way of being that works for them, and you are allowing yourself to have an open mind to making it work. After all, if they had a uniform or a highly specialized dress code, you would follow that to keep your job, wouldn’t you? This is just a less stringent version of that.
Also, I would say “I would like to express my concern with the level of hostility I am feeling with others’ gossip over my wardrobe choices, which to my understanding, do not violate the dress code.” Give specific dates, times and words overheard and don’t just make blanket negative statements. Reiterate that you like your job and want to have a smooth working relationship with everyone there.
NTA.
If your clothes are not visibly dirty/ripped and you’re not showing parts of the body that would make men faint (/s), I don’t see any issue with how people dress. I could see strong smells/odors/perfumes may be a thing, but that doesn’t seem to be the case.
The only time it truly matters is when there’s safety/PPE involved or you’re customer facing and need to give off a specific image.
Why do I get the feeling that you’re dressing like Cyndi Lauper in the 80s?
You have idiots running HR. If there’s no violation of the dress code they should have shut that shit down with her upon her reporting.
Why does everyone know about this and why are you collecting their opinions on it?
NTA
There is a certain decorum for “office attire” and it really depends on the office, eg a legal office would have a more stringent dress code than a start-up company. Basically, every office has different norms.
It seems like your office is quite relaxed – jeans, leggings and T-shirts are acceptable. From your perspective and HR’s, you are not breaking any dress codes but, they are still asking you to change? I assume you are not wearing revealing clothes or anything with offensive language.
I think you need to go back to HR and ask them to provide a dress code. It’s their job to figure this out… clothes are expensive and if they want to you modify what you are wearing to align with “office norms”, then they need to be clear what norms apply to your office. No dress code, no change.
Loool not this hater of a colleague making a formal complaint of her haterism!!
Start documenting everything that happens surrounding this incident. HR is out of line for asking you to consider other people’s taste when you are getting dressed in the morning. Especially if no one is considering yours!
NTA it could just be a sign your company is not aligned with you. I also dress up, in fact I dress alternative, and my SaaS company loves it. There are places that will appreciate you for you. If you can find somewhere that you can be fully yourself at work then it’s a huge way to not be miserable during the 8hrs/day you work there.
File a report with HR about a hostile work environment.
30’s=”older” hahahahahahaha
If HR wont give you written guidence don’t change a thing.
Idk hard to tell if you’re merely dressing up, or show up in full theatrical clothes and makeup.
The “bold makeup” sounds like you understating outrageous looks.
If other people are telling you to “dial it back’ (and not only this woman), then maybe you’re in fact being annoying with your outfit choices. Some people really get annoyed by bad fashion and styling. I’ve seen some folks at the workplace who dress eccentric, and always found it annoying attention seeking.
An incredible amount of boring and tiny minded people in these comments lmao
Uh, her complaints are making you uncomfortable, and you are the one that is doing nothing wrong. Report the now hostile work environment (with examples) to HR, and file.
Kind of TA. For reference, I am a woman in my 40’s who LOVES to not wear “office clothes” to work. I currently run my own business and am (as I’m typing this) wearing ripped jeans with my hair in a ponytail.
That said, when I was about your age (early 20’s) I had some temp jobs where I had to be a receptionist or front desk person at a company. They absolutely had a dress code (one reason I work for myself now).
So, I think you are learning the real-world rule that each office has a way to dress, and you can get in trouble if you violate the code. It’s stupid, but reality.
Can she just stare at you less? There’s a younger gal at my work who dresses eccentric, and I love it! She stays within the guidelines while still letting her personality shine through. I’ll bet the older gal in your case has some low self-esteem issues. To me (37 f) it is fabulous to see these younger women having the self-esteem they should. I didn’t get it til I was nearing 30 (and a lot of women I grew up with my age still don’t have any confidence in themselves).
‘Fun hairstyles” also sounds vague. Can you give an example?
If you sit by this lady, and your hair blocks her view from relevant happenings, I can understand her dislike.
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