WIBTA, Let me start out this post as Im a (40)that has returned to college to finish my degree. My sister (47)lied to our parents over 20 years ago that she graduated college. The reason why I know it was a lie she came to me when I was a senior in high school and told me that she had dropped out of college the year prior she was upset and she didn’t know what to do and I told her everything would be OK and that I wouldn’t tell mom and dad.
My parents pressed for a while to see her grades and to see her diploma, but she always was able to make up excuses or avoid answering questions eventually, they just quit asking. They were so excited she had graduated and would tell everyone.
Through the years , she’s had other issues and lied to my parents about those and me being the only one that knew the actual truth about them.
For many years, it didn’t bother me that she lied to my parents about it, especially since the last two years she was supposedly on scholarship. I also know that my parents were pushing her into a degree she did not want.
But I guess 20+ years of living in my sister shadow and always being told how great her degree is and how great she is. It’s finally just getting to me. My parents have made me feel like what I have accomplished in life is never good enough even now returning to college they make comments that my degree isn’t going to be as valuable as hers, even though she’s never worked in her “degree field”.
I’ve been contemplating for a while just letting the truth come out, but I think I would actually feel worse.
I guess I’m just looking to see what other people’s opinion are on the situation if I would be the asshole if I told my parents the whole truth.
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WIBTA, Let me start out this post as Im a (40)that has returned to college to finish my degree. My sister (47)lied to our parents over 20 years ago that she graduated college. The reason why I know it was a lie she came to me when I was a senior in high school and told me that she had dropped out of college the year prior she was upset and she didn’t know what to do and I told her everything would be OK and that I wouldn’t tell mom and dad.
My parents pressed for a while to see her grades and to see her diploma, but she always was able to make up excuses or avoid answering questions eventually, they just quit asking. They were so excited she had graduated and would tell everyone.
Through the years , she’s had other issues and lied to my parents about those and me being the only one that knew the actual truth about them.
For many years, it didn’t bother me that she lied to my parents about it, especially since the last two years she was supposedly on scholarship. I also know that my parents were pushing her into a degree she did not want.
But I guess 20+ years of living in my sister shadow and always being told how great her degree is and how great she is. It’s finally just getting to me. My parents have made me feel like what I have accomplished in life is never good enough even now returning to college they make comments that my degree isn’t going to be as valuable as hers, even though she’s never worked in her “degree field”.
I’ve been contemplating for a while just letting the truth come out, but I think I would actually feel worse.
I guess I’m just looking to see what other people’s opinion are on the situation if I would be the asshole if I told my parents the whole truth.
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> I have not taken any action on but am thinking about it. I might be the asshole because it would let out a 20 year old secret in my family
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
YWBTA: because the only reason you’ve given to “let the truth come out” is personal jealousy.
So, you wanna throw your sister under the bus because your parents are assholes?
Does your sister act superior or use her fake degree to make you feel less than, or is she just living her life?
If the latter, YWBTA.
NTA whatever you do. Probably better if you do not tell, because it would not be for any positive purpose. Just to make your sister look bad so your parents will love you more. Which won’t work! And you’ll then feel bad for hurting your sister, and even worse that you’re still not getting the love and appreciation you want from your parents.
You might also consider declining to carry any more of your sister’s secrets/lies. It doesn’t seem like doing so works very well for you. If she asks you to keep some new secret, just say that you won’t do it, and she can tell you or not.
It sounds like living in your sister’s shadow is miserable. To get out of it, you might need to distance from your family — which is where the shadow resides. Hopefully find people to spend time with who really care about you and appreciate you. Good luck.
YTA; there are other ways to get your parents to stop comparing the two of you without also betraying your sister’s trust in you. For starters, you might tell them that every time they compare you two, you’re either hanging up or leaving their presence – and then, you follow through with the threat.
Congratulations on finishing your college degree by the way.
What are you hoping to accomplish? Because if you think you’re going to come out smelling like a rose, everyone congratulating you on your wonderful accomplishment and sneering at your lying sister, I think sadly you’ll be disappointed.
YWBTA
Your beef is with your parents, not your sister.
You are also 40 years old.
You need to work through your relationship with your parents independent of whatever they feel towards your sister. Letting them know about your sisters degree isn’t going to materially change anything. They aren’t suddenly going to respect you more, they are just going to respect her less, and you are not in competition with your sister.
At 40 years old, I think its time to move past using your parents’ feelings about your accomplishments as a barometer for success. If they will never be satisfied, then they will just never be satisfied. Ultimately, the only person that needs to be happy with the direction of your life is you.
For sure, tell your parents that their golden child never graduated from college, even though she had a scholarship and she lied to them for all these years and they are touting her degree like a badge of honor and treating you like a second class citizen. Tell them. Burst your sister’s bubble, it’s about time.
YWBTA If you don’t feel like your parents appreciate the life you’ve lived, or your return to college, just spend less time with them, you are an adult, you don’t need to be praised by your parents anymore. Praise yourself.
Move on from the past and, remember, the comparison your parents make between you and your sister is based on a lie, so don’t take it so much to heart.
If you hear them belitting you again, for any reason, just stop them and ask “Why is it that you never praise me? Do you enjoy saying hurtful things to/about me? Is that how your parents raised you? By telling you how you always disappointed them?” And do it every time they start up with the unkind comments.
YWBTA
Your reason seems to be jealousy. You made a promise and you should keep your word, not let pettiness or shitty parents convince you otherwise.
You are 40, it’s time to work on letting your parents’ snide comments get to you. “Mom, I don’t appreciate you comparing me to my sister or talking to me that way. If you don’t stop, I’m ending the conversation.”
Eventually, they’ll get the picture. Once you have your own stuff going on, the sting of their disapproval will lessen.
YTA for agreeing to lie to your parents in the first place. Also you said she lied about more things after the fact. You are not responsible for aiding your sister in her deceptions and lies. But you have. So your an a##hole for doing that in the first place and not caring for years
YWBTA. But your parents are the true AH here. Just tell them that you’re sorry they are not proud of you for continuing to improve your life and advance your skills. Let them know it is disappointing. But don’t trash your sister. If they bring her up, just tell them that you hate the way they always compare you and move on. Don’t tattle. You’re too old for that.
INFO: Is your sister working? Did she have to defraud her employer and is she working in a field where her not having a degree or the necessary training would hurt others or put them in danger?
On an interpersonal level, what, if any, is your sister’s reaction to the way your parents treat you? Does she know? Does she defend you?
I just don’t think it makes sense to potentially destroy her life just to get back at your parents. Get them to stop some other way if she hasn’t hurt you.
She shouldn’t have lied to them, that’s absolutely true but you wanting to tell them because they aren’t getting the treatment you want from them is childish. You wouldn’t be hurting them or getting back at them. You’d be making the deliberate choice to hurt her. YTA
Yeah, YWBTA. You helped her cover it up for 20 years…so at this point you’re fully complicit in the deceit.
YWBTA.
You made a promise, you keep it.
I’m also going to say that you’re not going to suddenly become the golden child just because you tarnish your sister’s halo. They may even blame you (and not her) for lying all this time.
And you are way too old to be allowing your parents’ opinion of you or your career matter. It should matter to you and no one else’s opinion counts at all.
Don’t do it…..
Your motivation for spilling the beans is basically that your parents don’t respect you, but this would not gain you respect, merely remove it from another child/adult.
YWBTA simply because this isn’t going to play out the way you think it is.
It’s not going to make your parents think any better of you. They’re just going to be mad that you were on the lie the whole time.
ESH. Your sister for lying. Your parents for treating you like dirt on account of that lie. And you for not only abetting your sister’s lie, but for now wanting to expose it for your own benefit.
Here’s the thing: if you told.then, would they treat you any differently? If yes, in what way?
There’s a high probability that answer is that they would initially be mad at you, right?
At any point would it improve your relationship with them? Im betting this answer is no.
I disagree with the other commenters here; I don’t think you’re motivated by jealousy. I think you’re motivated by revenge.
Just think deeply about these things first. And if you really feel that need, confront your sister. Ask her why she doesn’t defend you when all her praise is based on a lie, and she knows the truth: that you are doing something she couldn’t do
What are you 12? You issue is with your parents but you are going to punish your sister? You are the AH
Yes you would be the AH because you are willing to throw you sister under the bus for your own gain.
This is for your sister to tell her parents. I think it’s shitty what she did, but in the end of the day that is her story to tell not yours.
As fo ryou and your parents, they will always look down on it becaus that is just their mindset, knowing about your sister is not going to change htier minds.
YWBTA, and yes, you would ruin all your connections with the family – parents will be dissapointed in both of you, and sister would be, of course, mad at you. Nothing good can come out of it, for none of you! Let the ghosts of the past rest in peace, don’t disturb them after 20 years!
I am pretty sure they know.
Why do you suddenly hate her so much to hurt her this way? However wrong it was, it was hers to make, not your business.
Keep your own nose clean.
I don’t think you have any obligation to hide your sister’s secret. It was her choice to do this, and one of the problems with lying is you have to lie over and over and over to maintain it.
At the same time, if you value your relationship with your sister, you shouldn’t.
Why does this bother you at 40? Just how are you seeing your parents so often that this is a problem?
Don’t. Just don’t.